it is almost time. we are getting closer. i officially lost count of the hours somewhere between the 8th and 9th hour of this flight. for a while i kept grabbing rick’s arm to check out the time. i am sure he wished he would have remembered to pack a watch for me. it hasn’t much mattered though. every time we even mention The Time we have to clarify whether we are talking atlanta, west coast or china time. but as we soar high above the blackness of the pacific ocean, for the moment, Time seems to have stood still. somehow we left atlanta at 7pm on friday night and will arrive in guangzhou city early sunday morning. i’ll say nothing more on the matter except…it is, indeed, time.
the butterflies have only grown stronger since leaving atlanta. the airplane’s regular lurching hasn’t helped much. i can’t complain though, this aircraft is amazing. we really are quite comfortable and ridiculously well attended. we are flying china southern airlines and it is top notch. we were greeted with orange juice and warm towels. no, we are not in our hotel, but on a plane. everyone has been lovely. as a mother and constant care-taker, i just eat up these kinds of little niceties. oh, thank you, yes, i’d love a steaming towel for my travel-weary finger tips. can y’all just come home with me in a couple of weeks? trip taking has taken on a whole new level these days. i certainly never experienced anything close to this as a child. many of you know the story of my family’s most memorable and prolific road trip to the grand canyon one christmas in the early 1980s. we piled all four kids into the van and if that wasn’t enough, decided to bring along grandma and grandpa for the scenic drive from ohio to arizona. there weren’t enough seats to accommodate all 8 of us, so dad, in his resourceful way, simply strapped down a couple of aluminum lawn chairs. i think i was given a book, a pencil, some paper and maybe a sleeve of ritz crackers and was told to keep myself busy for the next few days. it was surely on that trip when i fell in love with nancy drew and read the entire series from cleveland to phoenix while rolling around in the back of that seatless grey van.
tonight, rick and i are sitting in comfy seats with footstools and armrests. we have between us no shortage of technology: two laptops, two ipods, a blackberry, an iphone and two tvs attached to our seats. funny thing though, all i can seem to do is sit and stare out the window. i could very well be in the back of that grey van heading to arizona. i could close my eyes as easily there as i can on this 24 hour trek to china. the amenities wouldn’t matter much. i would still see the same sweet little face of a girl in china. i would still be picturing the moment when she is brought into the room where we sit waiting. i would still be dreaming of the day when we walk out into the sunshine and know she is ours. finally ours. almost ours. we are almost there.
** oh and that watch? …by the end of the flight rick had removed it from his wrist and fastened it to my own.
"EVEN THE SPARROW has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young-- a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King and my God." ~ psalm 84:3
Saturday, July 17, 2010
flying across the world and singing hallelujah
tonight we are flying halfway across the world in pursuit of our daughter. we are hot on the trail of a little girl in a big orphanage in even a bigger country, foreign and far. and we are officially on our way - right now we seem to be somewhere between georgia and california. we fly into the sunset…i am watching it from my tiny window. it is pink and it is golden and it is promising. i cannot keep the tears from my eyes as i drink in the beautiful magnificence outside this sliver of an opening. we are flying into the night and there is so much promise. though this year has not always been washed in a golden pink haze, we have clung to the promise we claimed last summer. some days we marched strongly to the beat of great hope. and some days all we could do was cling. tonight we sit here amazed that all those some days have added up to This Day. to the day we fly full speed into the sunset and full throttle toward our tiny girl. rick and i are more confident than ever that we are headed in the right direction. we have sensed God’s hand on this from the beginning…but tonight, we feel His hand holding ours like never before. it is the only reason we can do this. and i would be lying if i didn’t tell you our hearts are pounding, our minds are racing and we have butterflies in every inch of our bodies. we don’t know what these next two weeks will hold…but isn’t that the beauty of living? can the unknown be both terrifying and wonderful? absolutely! if we’ve learned nothing else from this year, we have learned this. last week on the way home from the beach i had a chance to speak with the kids about what all this could look like as we bring home bella. we tackled some pretty tough stuff…i didn’t want to scare the kids, but i wanted to prepare them for some of the things that might be challenging in the next few months. in that conversation our oldest, emily, said she just felt bad for people who didn’t have the chance to do something like this. in her 14 year old way she said she couldn’t imagine not having something in life which “you had to trust God greatly for.” it was a really cool comment coming from her. we don’t mean that in a self righteous or prideful way…but it is true…we are meant for big things. we are all designed to take chances …to take risks…to fly into sunsets in pursuit of something. not all of us are called to adopt, but all of us are called to something. if there is one thing i hope my writing has encouraged It is that. pursue something. pursue it hard. pursue it faithfully. pursue it tenaciously. pursue it crazily. pursue it passionately. pursue something. go ahead and let God lead you into the sunset. i promise you it won’t always be golden and pink…and it won’t always be easy…but if our Great God is in it, it will always be good. if i had to pick a favorite song…like my very favorite song ever…it would be amazing grace. and if in that song i had to pick a favorite line…like my very favorite line ever…it would be, “the Lord has promised good to me.” He has! i don’t mean He has promised ease or comfort or everlasting sweetness…no, He has promised Good. His good. not my good. His good. His wonderful, beautiful, extraordinary good.
after approximately 24 hours of traveling we will land in china. we will have crossed a continent and an ocean. we have packed up suitcases and dreams and much hope in order to get here. we bid our four other children goodbye in the driveway of our safe and comfortable home for two weeks. oh, that was hard - bittersweet beyond belief. i didn’t want to let them go. how we treasure those four kids. i tried to be strong for them. i failed miserably. but we know they are in an amazing community of care. we are blown away by the number of people caring for our brood and loving them well. i am so humbled even thinking about it all. but in 24 hours we will step foot into china. we will meet this little girl for whom we have prayed, for whom we have longed. we will meet this little girl who was literally laid on our hearts last summer. we don’t know what it will look like. writing just now, i was listening to my ipod and bethany dillion’s song “hallelujah” just played. another one of my very favorites. if you get a chance listen to it. (bethany dillon’s “hallelujah” acoustic session). i would add it to my playlist, but for some crazy reason the playlist service for blog doesn’t recognize it. anyway, here are some of the lyrics:
hallelujah, hallelujah
whatever’s in front of me,
help me to sing hallelujah.
the same sun rises over castles and welcomes that day
spills over buildings to the streets where orphans play
and only you can see the good in broken things
you took my heart of stone and made it whole
set this prisoner free.
whatever’s in front of me
help me to sing hallelujah.
hallelujah, hallelujah
whatever’s in front of me,
help me to sing hallelujah.
the same sun rises over castles and welcomes that day
spills over buildings to the streets where orphans play
and only you can see the good in broken things
you took my heart of stone and made it whole
set this prisoner free.
whatever’s in front of me
help me to sing hallelujah.
we really don’t know what is in front of us. we really don’t. but, we know Who Goes Before Us…and in that knowledge we fly into a golden sunset (actually in the time I’ve been writing the sun has completely set). so, no matter, we fly into a dark sky and we sing hallelujah.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
schedules and suitcases
we've had so many of you ask about our schedule while in china...so i thought it best to post at least some of the highlights from our two weeks in guangzhou city.
friday july 16th - we leave atlanta at 6:55pm and fly to los angeles. in LA we connect with china southern airlines and leave at about midnight for our 13 hour flight to china. we arrive sunday morning, the 18th (saturday night your time) in guanzhou city.
sunday the 18th - we will meet with our guides nikko and simon and prepare for our gotcha day...more paperwork and some details. hopefully some rest...though i kind of doubt it.
monday the 19th - gotcha day! we will meet our bella...most likely in the morning and then bring her back to the hotel with us...she is with us from this point forward. oh my...i can hardly write that without tears.
tuesday the 20th - we will go back to the CA office and will finalize her adoption - this is the actual adoption date.
* the next few days will be a mixture between bonding with bella, doing our own thing, and attending some scheduled excursions. our agent said some people were more comfortable staying close by the hotel and doing little...he said we didn't strike him as that kind of couple. =) told us as long as we stayed in the province we had the freedom to explore as much as we liked and as much as bella could handle. good answer.
saturday the 24th - we will head to a US consulate medical clinic. they will test bella for infectious diseases, etc.... this is a big deal...if we are going to have a hiccup in these two weeks, this would be the most likely place. she must enter the US as an immigrant. so that means her visa would not be approved if she tests positive with something. please pray for this...it is not common, but there have been problems with our orphanage in the past. because of immigration law, bella is considered an immigrant until she touches american soil. interesting fact: her plane ticket from china to LAX is in her chinese name xue zhu zhang. from LA to atlanta her name changes to bella grace xue mcnatt. we are not so worried about her name...we just want to call her "ours."
monday the 26th - we will head back to the medical clinic to have test results read.
wednesday the 28th - this is the date of our consulate appointment. all of bella's files...medical/legal are handed over to the US consulate for their approval.
thursday the 29th - we head back to the consulate office and when everything is approved we will have a "swearing in" ceremony.
friday the 30th - we leave china - i think we'll be more than ready.
saturday the 31st - we arrive in atlanta at 6:15 am....and introduce bella to her new brothers and sisters!
so those are the highlights of our journey to bella. it seems impossible to be at this point. we have literally been able to only put one foot in front of the other this year. there was no point in this journey when we understood the whole thing....we never really "got it" completely. we just kept taking the next step. we are amazed to finally be at a place where we can look back. we can now look back...but friends, i assure you our greatest joy is to look forward. this is truly only the beginning. often in life we long for the next great thing. it is the anticipation which can cause our hearts to stir...our pulse to race. i am sure there is a little of that in all of this. but as a mother of four, i know this longing won't compare with the living. i know this anticipation is not about the getting...it is about the having.
you may have noticed there are days in our schedule with nothing listed. can you imagine? rick and i will be just hanging out with a two year old! when is the last time we did that? i am sure it will be a little on the funny side. we have been living in this constant whirlwind of four busy older kids....now we'll be on the floor playing blocks and dolls and puzzles and sharing cheerios...
i could go on and on tonight. i have spent the day washing and folding and packing little girl items into a cavernous suitcase. it feels make believe to me. like when i was a little girl and i would pack up my doll clothes for a great journey. i have felt the need to pinch myself throughout the afternoon. this is real! this is real! we are really leaving in less than 48 hours. i have to keep checking my list...i can't see past the image of her in the brown and whte sundress. i look at the folded monkey pajamas and i can only think about tucking her in for bed. it is real. it is real. it is real. there is a suitcase on my bedroom floor and it is packed with things for our daughter. mind blowing, yes. but it is real.
friday july 16th - we leave atlanta at 6:55pm and fly to los angeles. in LA we connect with china southern airlines and leave at about midnight for our 13 hour flight to china. we arrive sunday morning, the 18th (saturday night your time) in guanzhou city.
sunday the 18th - we will meet with our guides nikko and simon and prepare for our gotcha day...more paperwork and some details. hopefully some rest...though i kind of doubt it.
monday the 19th - gotcha day! we will meet our bella...most likely in the morning and then bring her back to the hotel with us...she is with us from this point forward. oh my...i can hardly write that without tears.
tuesday the 20th - we will go back to the CA office and will finalize her adoption - this is the actual adoption date.
* the next few days will be a mixture between bonding with bella, doing our own thing, and attending some scheduled excursions. our agent said some people were more comfortable staying close by the hotel and doing little...he said we didn't strike him as that kind of couple. =) told us as long as we stayed in the province we had the freedom to explore as much as we liked and as much as bella could handle. good answer.
saturday the 24th - we will head to a US consulate medical clinic. they will test bella for infectious diseases, etc.... this is a big deal...if we are going to have a hiccup in these two weeks, this would be the most likely place. she must enter the US as an immigrant. so that means her visa would not be approved if she tests positive with something. please pray for this...it is not common, but there have been problems with our orphanage in the past. because of immigration law, bella is considered an immigrant until she touches american soil. interesting fact: her plane ticket from china to LAX is in her chinese name xue zhu zhang. from LA to atlanta her name changes to bella grace xue mcnatt. we are not so worried about her name...we just want to call her "ours."
monday the 26th - we will head back to the medical clinic to have test results read.
wednesday the 28th - this is the date of our consulate appointment. all of bella's files...medical/legal are handed over to the US consulate for their approval.
thursday the 29th - we head back to the consulate office and when everything is approved we will have a "swearing in" ceremony.
friday the 30th - we leave china - i think we'll be more than ready.
saturday the 31st - we arrive in atlanta at 6:15 am....and introduce bella to her new brothers and sisters!
so those are the highlights of our journey to bella. it seems impossible to be at this point. we have literally been able to only put one foot in front of the other this year. there was no point in this journey when we understood the whole thing....we never really "got it" completely. we just kept taking the next step. we are amazed to finally be at a place where we can look back. we can now look back...but friends, i assure you our greatest joy is to look forward. this is truly only the beginning. often in life we long for the next great thing. it is the anticipation which can cause our hearts to stir...our pulse to race. i am sure there is a little of that in all of this. but as a mother of four, i know this longing won't compare with the living. i know this anticipation is not about the getting...it is about the having.
you may have noticed there are days in our schedule with nothing listed. can you imagine? rick and i will be just hanging out with a two year old! when is the last time we did that? i am sure it will be a little on the funny side. we have been living in this constant whirlwind of four busy older kids....now we'll be on the floor playing blocks and dolls and puzzles and sharing cheerios...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
when two or more are gathered...
i am pretty sure i have never sent an invite to over 100 people without some hefty party planning first taking place. i am absolutely positive i have never opened my front door to an unknown number of guests with nothing in the oven, on the buffet, or in the works. nothing. there wasn't a party plate or snazzy napkin to be found. i had no pastry puffs warming or brie cooling. i had nothing. about 5 minutes before our first guest arrived i did ask rick to grab a glass pitcher and fill it with water...just in case. rick and i love to entertain. okay...i love to entertain. rick has learned to love (i.e., tolerate) it. i seriously think it was one of our first major hurdles when we married 20 years ago. i remember our first new year's eve together. i had plans to invite 50, he had plans for two. i remember him just staring at me. looking at me as if i came from another planet. i can still hear the disbelief in his voice when he asked me why in the world i would want to have that many people in our tiny house. i had never thought about it like that. i just did. i always had. we hadn't discussed the topic of entertaining in our pre-marital counseling. and so like any good, newly married woman, i immediately began working on a plan to change his thinking. twenty years later he would tell you i had (for the most part) succeeded. we, just this past christmas, threw a spontaneous bonfire party and invited over 140 people...most of which were children. (we did have a little discussion about the number of invites though...apparently he didn't believe 140 qualified as a "small-ish get together.") but anyway, we opened our home and like with any party, i took great delight in planning every detail right down to the last smore. tonight, however, we had nothing but a pitcher of water sitting on our counter and i know for a fact, this was a first. i was completely fine with it though. i didn't have one second thought...not one doubt, not one hesitation. i didn't feel even the slightest urge to dice an onion or stuff a mushroom. i knew these friends were not coming to sample my dips or pour my wine....these friends were coming to pray.
it was an eclectic mix of our friends. people from different sides of our circle. i didn't worry once about how we would all connect or relate or mingle. we were coming together to talk with our God. we had Him in common and He was the only connection needed. all day i had been feeling sort of strung out. i had only just gotten home the day before from a quick trip to the beach with family. last night the girls and i got to attend the most wonderful baby shower thrown in honor of bella. it was magical. but today i woke to an incredibly long list of items needing my attention. there were amazing presents stacked everywhere...it looked like a pink christmas had come. there were suitcases wide open and waiting for me to command their contents. and of course the overripe beach laundry was still beckoning impatiently for my attention. by 7:30 pm i was thinking bed sounded pretty good to my sleep-needy body, but i had guests arriving. and i was serving only water.
just before people started coming i turned on my computer. there were countless emails and facebook messages from friends all over the world telling us that at 8pm they would be joining with us in prayer. in thailand...in america...at the beach...on a lake...in pennsylvania...in colorado...in ohio...in a minivan. even my sister on an airplane heading for kenya! the list went on. i read message after message from friends and family members letting us know they would be praying right alongside us. it was incredible. such a blessing to read these words. and then our doorbell rang and friends came. i never even had a chance to offer my water. we just headed into the family room and people of all ages and sizes and stages took turns praying over the specific needs of our bella, her adoption and our family. i wish you could have all been there. every last one of you. i don't know where we would have put you....but i wish you could have had just a taste of what we had. the night before sarah, emily and i had opened up over 50 gifts from our sweet friends. that was an incredible and overwhelming and wonderful experience. but tonight to sit with a smattering of friends and pray for bella's heart...to pray over the adoption details, safety, our children, our travels, the logistics. oh friends, i cannot tell you. it was opening up another most magnificent package. this blessing was just as tangible as the precious outfits and toddler toys we held in our hands the night before. peeking into the box i could see treasures untold. hearing the words of our friends lifting up our family, our children, our bella was a thing of great beauty...a thing of great value. this evening will impact our children for years to come. in the midst of this prayer time i thought of our four kids being washed in the words of these prayers. they can't even know right now how this will effect them. but it will. tonight as i was putting sarah elizabeth to bed she prayed again, "dear God, thank you that we have such wonderful families to come to our house and pray with us. thank you that we have people who believe in Jesus in our lives." this gift will not tarnish or spoil or break or get lost. this gift will grow in my children. it will grow in rick and me. it was exactly what was needed on this day of little sleep and long list. adults prayed on and off...but even our children jumped in. i am pretty sure i will always remember connor's prayer, asking God to help bella not scream on the airplane too much...or when she gets home. i sit here tonight energized knowing that in just a few short days we leave for china and we will be ready. we will be ready not because i have an exorbitant amount of energy or strength or an incredibly detailed mind right now. oooh no...far from the case. i have nothing. but tonight we had a family room full of friends kneeling on our behalf before the Father. we had friends around the world in their different corners carving out time to lay our needs before His throne. amazing. and we had a plain pitcher of water on our counter. and it was all more than enough.
it was an eclectic mix of our friends. people from different sides of our circle. i didn't worry once about how we would all connect or relate or mingle. we were coming together to talk with our God. we had Him in common and He was the only connection needed. all day i had been feeling sort of strung out. i had only just gotten home the day before from a quick trip to the beach with family. last night the girls and i got to attend the most wonderful baby shower thrown in honor of bella. it was magical. but today i woke to an incredibly long list of items needing my attention. there were amazing presents stacked everywhere...it looked like a pink christmas had come. there were suitcases wide open and waiting for me to command their contents. and of course the overripe beach laundry was still beckoning impatiently for my attention. by 7:30 pm i was thinking bed sounded pretty good to my sleep-needy body, but i had guests arriving. and i was serving only water.
just before people started coming i turned on my computer. there were countless emails and facebook messages from friends all over the world telling us that at 8pm they would be joining with us in prayer. in thailand...in america...at the beach...on a lake...in pennsylvania...in colorado...in ohio...in a minivan. even my sister on an airplane heading for kenya! the list went on. i read message after message from friends and family members letting us know they would be praying right alongside us. it was incredible. such a blessing to read these words. and then our doorbell rang and friends came. i never even had a chance to offer my water. we just headed into the family room and people of all ages and sizes and stages took turns praying over the specific needs of our bella, her adoption and our family. i wish you could have all been there. every last one of you. i don't know where we would have put you....but i wish you could have had just a taste of what we had. the night before sarah, emily and i had opened up over 50 gifts from our sweet friends. that was an incredible and overwhelming and wonderful experience. but tonight to sit with a smattering of friends and pray for bella's heart...to pray over the adoption details, safety, our children, our travels, the logistics. oh friends, i cannot tell you. it was opening up another most magnificent package. this blessing was just as tangible as the precious outfits and toddler toys we held in our hands the night before. peeking into the box i could see treasures untold. hearing the words of our friends lifting up our family, our children, our bella was a thing of great beauty...a thing of great value. this evening will impact our children for years to come. in the midst of this prayer time i thought of our four kids being washed in the words of these prayers. they can't even know right now how this will effect them. but it will. tonight as i was putting sarah elizabeth to bed she prayed again, "dear God, thank you that we have such wonderful families to come to our house and pray with us. thank you that we have people who believe in Jesus in our lives." this gift will not tarnish or spoil or break or get lost. this gift will grow in my children. it will grow in rick and me. it was exactly what was needed on this day of little sleep and long list. adults prayed on and off...but even our children jumped in. i am pretty sure i will always remember connor's prayer, asking God to help bella not scream on the airplane too much...or when she gets home. i sit here tonight energized knowing that in just a few short days we leave for china and we will be ready. we will be ready not because i have an exorbitant amount of energy or strength or an incredibly detailed mind right now. oooh no...far from the case. i have nothing. but tonight we had a family room full of friends kneeling on our behalf before the Father. we had friends around the world in their different corners carving out time to lay our needs before His throne. amazing. and we had a plain pitcher of water on our counter. and it was all more than enough.
Monday, July 5, 2010
july 16th ~ it's perfect
we have this little joke in our house which includes sarah elizabeth. one morning, when she was three, i handed her a waffle for breakfast. "it's perfect!" she exclaimed. "and i like perfect." we laughed. sarah elizabeth has always liked things "just so." takes after someone else i believe. anyway, we repeat that phrase every now and then. "it's perfect and i like perfect."
i had written, long ago, in a post that mid july would be the perfect time for us to travel to china. it is (embarrassingly enough) the only time of the year when we don't seem to be running in a million directions. i had had my heart set on the middle of july for quite a while. always in my prayers though i made sure to agree with God that this story was about HIS timing, not my own. i had learned my lesson early on. i felt it necessary to acknowledge that fact. it was important He know i was in total agreement with Him - no matter what. ha! as if He needed my agreement or acknowledgement. but i was just being sure. covering my spiritual bases and all...wanting to assure Him i was a real team player and i was happy to be on His Team.
God, well, He has always known the timing and the script. He has over and over again declared, "walk this way." He doesn't always allow us to see clearly where He is leading. but He must know how weak and scared and overwhelmed we are in this journey. He, as a tender Father, must know our great need for great encouragement. i really do think that is why He continues to give us these glimpses of his Perfect Plan....of His Sovereignty..of His Timing. He must know that we are absolutely desperate for this. so last night, He provided another cool and affirming and encouraging connection.
late last night i decided to reprint all of bella's medical records. we needed to drop them off at the pediatrician's this week. i also had to email her referral file and her surgery update to our cardiologist at sibley heart center. i sat in my office buried in the papers which we had poured over last july when first deciding to adopt bella. i hadn't looked at this file in quite some time, however. it was mostly medical stuff...not my forte - at all. i do much better with words and pictures and, of course, birds. anyway i came across the paragraph which described her abandonment. i have never been able to read this description without tears. i think i included it in my very first post in this blog a year ago. anyway, there i was with the paragraph, once again, before me. i started to read. i had never before noticed the date on her abandonment. it read:
i had written, long ago, in a post that mid july would be the perfect time for us to travel to china. it is (embarrassingly enough) the only time of the year when we don't seem to be running in a million directions. i had had my heart set on the middle of july for quite a while. always in my prayers though i made sure to agree with God that this story was about HIS timing, not my own. i had learned my lesson early on. i felt it necessary to acknowledge that fact. it was important He know i was in total agreement with Him - no matter what. ha! as if He needed my agreement or acknowledgement. but i was just being sure. covering my spiritual bases and all...wanting to assure Him i was a real team player and i was happy to be on His Team.
God, well, He has always known the timing and the script. He has over and over again declared, "walk this way." He doesn't always allow us to see clearly where He is leading. but He must know how weak and scared and overwhelmed we are in this journey. He, as a tender Father, must know our great need for great encouragement. i really do think that is why He continues to give us these glimpses of his Perfect Plan....of His Sovereignty..of His Timing. He must know that we are absolutely desperate for this. so last night, He provided another cool and affirming and encouraging connection.
late last night i decided to reprint all of bella's medical records. we needed to drop them off at the pediatrician's this week. i also had to email her referral file and her surgery update to our cardiologist at sibley heart center. i sat in my office buried in the papers which we had poured over last july when first deciding to adopt bella. i hadn't looked at this file in quite some time, however. it was mostly medical stuff...not my forte - at all. i do much better with words and pictures and, of course, birds. anyway i came across the paragraph which described her abandonment. i have never been able to read this description without tears. i think i included it in my very first post in this blog a year ago. anyway, there i was with the paragraph, once again, before me. i started to read. i had never before noticed the date on her abandonment. it read:
"Zhang Xue Zhu, female, was picked up by common people
at the second floor of clinic service Zhongshan Hospital of
No. 58 in Zhongshan er road on July 16, 2008."
at the second floor of clinic service Zhongshan Hospital of
No. 58 in Zhongshan er road on July 16, 2008."
i stopped reading. july 16th. she had been left by her parents and placed in a hospital hallway on july 16th. the tears came pouring out. oh my. oh my. friends, we booked our plane tickets this weekend. do you know the date that we, xue zhu zhang's, new parents leave for china? yes. july 16th. we get on a plane heading to china july 16th. her biological parents left her two years ago on this same date. we will probably never really know why they made this choice to leave their daughter. but we know with absolute assurance why her new parents will board a plane that day and reclaim her as daughter. we know.
her biological parents walked away from her on july 16th. i don't, for one minute, believe that was easy. my heart has grieved for that broken man and woman. grieved. and friends, i have to tell you, it hasn't always been easy walking toward bella. i am being honest here. i want to encourage you all to jump on the bandwagon and go out and adopt one of these 147 million orphans. i want to. oh, i want to! but, i will never paint this as an easy road. a tremendously blessed road, yes, but not, necessarily, easy. and just for the record, we are picking up a two year old with some serious medical needs...this road, may very well, get a lot harder.
but let's go back again to me sitting at my desk with these papers in hand. let's go again to my eyes scanning the paragraph where it stated she was left on july 16th. how amazing. how absolutely amazing is God. i could only sit there and feel washed in His Glory. rick and the younger two kids came in the room to find me in tears. i shared my findings with them. it was sarah elizabeth who, without further thought, blurted out, "but mommy, that is totally a God thing!" is there any road too hard to take the pleasure from hearing your child make that connection? it's a God thing and it's perfect....and we like perfect!
*** after writing this piece i received a message from a friend telling me to go back and look at the date on the first letter we sent announcing to our friends and family the fact that we were going to pursue a little girl in china. it was one year ago....guess the date on the letter....yep, july 16th. go back in my blog to last year. read the post on july 17th...look at the date of the actual letter. umm...yeah. july 16th. perfect.
her biological parents walked away from her on july 16th. i don't, for one minute, believe that was easy. my heart has grieved for that broken man and woman. grieved. and friends, i have to tell you, it hasn't always been easy walking toward bella. i am being honest here. i want to encourage you all to jump on the bandwagon and go out and adopt one of these 147 million orphans. i want to. oh, i want to! but, i will never paint this as an easy road. a tremendously blessed road, yes, but not, necessarily, easy. and just for the record, we are picking up a two year old with some serious medical needs...this road, may very well, get a lot harder.
but let's go back again to me sitting at my desk with these papers in hand. let's go again to my eyes scanning the paragraph where it stated she was left on july 16th. how amazing. how absolutely amazing is God. i could only sit there and feel washed in His Glory. rick and the younger two kids came in the room to find me in tears. i shared my findings with them. it was sarah elizabeth who, without further thought, blurted out, "but mommy, that is totally a God thing!" is there any road too hard to take the pleasure from hearing your child make that connection? it's a God thing and it's perfect....and we like perfect!
*** after writing this piece i received a message from a friend telling me to go back and look at the date on the first letter we sent announcing to our friends and family the fact that we were going to pursue a little girl in china. it was one year ago....guess the date on the letter....yep, july 16th. go back in my blog to last year. read the post on july 17th...look at the date of the actual letter. umm...yeah. july 16th. perfect.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
only a few things
i will be 42 years old this fall. today i registered at babies r us for our 5th child. when i sat down at the registry desk a young, cheerful associate handed me a few forms to fill out. i almost stood right back up and left the store. NO! no more paperwork. (this has been my instinctual reaction to any and all forms since going through the adoption process). i didn't leave, but i am certain she noticed me both flinch and gulp. i am sure she saw the sag in my shoulders and probably wondered. i quickly blurted out that i just needed to mark down a few things. this is our 5th. she is already 2 and a half! ...i don't need much. i have other errands to run. it was like she didn't hear me. smiling brightly, she continued to shove the papers in front of me and direct me to page 7 which listed all the things i would need for "bringing home a new baby." no. no. no. i didn't need a breast pump or formula. i wasn't in the market for a bouncy seat or a baby swing. i was registering for a toddler. i ONLY NEED A FEW THINGS. this was getting weird. she looked up at one point and asked if had made a decision on the formula. geesh! again, i almost got up and walked out. but then something came over me. i was here to get things for bella. my friends were planning a shower in her honor and they had asked me to register. and i would. this wasn't weird. this was wonderful. it is wonderful to be almost 42 years old and registering for my 5th child. a child for which we have waited over a year. a child for whom we will travel to the other side of globe. a child for whom an army of friends and family have prayed. i grabbed the scanner from the registry associate, held my head up high, sucked in my (somewhat) flat belly and marched off to aisle number one. i was registering for bella!
when i came back to the desk with my scanner and forms there was a young couple sitting nearby - babies r they! i thought. they had their heads together and he kept rubbing her shoulder. she was quite large with child and this was clearly "their first" - (you can usually tell). i was in no way attempting to listen in on their conversation, but i couldn't help but overhear the continuous debate on the graco versus mcclaren stroller. i couldn't help but overhear when their discussion turned to the color of the highchair and whether it would match their kitchen decor. the young husband had all sorts of opinions. he had obviously been doing his research. i caught them glancing at me a couple of times as i continued to fill out my remaining bubbles and blanks. me. 42 year old me. no large tummy me. i looked up and smiled. i wanted to tell them that i wasn't sure why i was here. i had four kids at home. we are way past babies r us. we are in the big kids section at toys r us nowdays. but here i was. debating with myself over stroller styles. i tried to remember back to when i registered for my first born, emily. was rick with me? did we pour over our form and our choices like these two? probably. perhaps. all i could think while i sat there was, where has the time gone? my first born starts high school in just a matter of weeks. i remember so well standing in the sherwin williams in solon ohio and ordering the pink swiss dot wallpaper for emily's nursery. settling on that pattern for her walls seemed paramount. it had to be perfect. and it was...until we moved 3 months later. i remember the creeping quiet fear of what if it is wrong? what if i it just doesn't work? well, after almost 15 years of parenting, i can say today, that we've made many wrong decisions. there has been plenty that hasn't worked. the pink swiss dot wallpaper was just the beginning. but then we move. then we move on. that is what i have learned. without doubt, it is a sweet time to plan for a child. there is nothing like it. expecting bella has been different in many ways from expecting emily. there are many similarities bewteen adoption and pregnancy. but it has more to do with birth order. it is the difference between expecting the first child and expecting the fifth. we change. even if i was registering for a newborn today, i am pretty certain i wouldn't sign up for a baby wipes warmer or a diaper genie. life just looks different by the 5th. for instance, one of my criterion for choosing a carseat was the dark color. it had to be dark enough to hide the stains of the four other children clambering over it in soccer cleats holding blue slushies.. oh my. yes, life looks different alright.
so all in all, it was one of those errands that caught me by surprise. i had planned to rush in and quickly select a few necessities. i had planned to be quick and efficient - a well seasoned and professional mom. instead, i spent over an hour roaming aisle after aisle. i looked at everything. everything. do you know that they now sell pacifier cases and special wipes for pacifiers? what happened to the 5 second rule? i scanned some pretty cool stuff for bella today....and my ankles weren't swollen, my back didn't ache and i could see my feet...but my heart, well, it was really, really full.
when i came back to the desk with my scanner and forms there was a young couple sitting nearby - babies r they! i thought. they had their heads together and he kept rubbing her shoulder. she was quite large with child and this was clearly "their first" - (you can usually tell). i was in no way attempting to listen in on their conversation, but i couldn't help but overhear the continuous debate on the graco versus mcclaren stroller. i couldn't help but overhear when their discussion turned to the color of the highchair and whether it would match their kitchen decor. the young husband had all sorts of opinions. he had obviously been doing his research. i caught them glancing at me a couple of times as i continued to fill out my remaining bubbles and blanks. me. 42 year old me. no large tummy me. i looked up and smiled. i wanted to tell them that i wasn't sure why i was here. i had four kids at home. we are way past babies r us. we are in the big kids section at toys r us nowdays. but here i was. debating with myself over stroller styles. i tried to remember back to when i registered for my first born, emily. was rick with me? did we pour over our form and our choices like these two? probably. perhaps. all i could think while i sat there was, where has the time gone? my first born starts high school in just a matter of weeks. i remember so well standing in the sherwin williams in solon ohio and ordering the pink swiss dot wallpaper for emily's nursery. settling on that pattern for her walls seemed paramount. it had to be perfect. and it was...until we moved 3 months later. i remember the creeping quiet fear of what if it is wrong? what if i it just doesn't work? well, after almost 15 years of parenting, i can say today, that we've made many wrong decisions. there has been plenty that hasn't worked. the pink swiss dot wallpaper was just the beginning. but then we move. then we move on. that is what i have learned. without doubt, it is a sweet time to plan for a child. there is nothing like it. expecting bella has been different in many ways from expecting emily. there are many similarities bewteen adoption and pregnancy. but it has more to do with birth order. it is the difference between expecting the first child and expecting the fifth. we change. even if i was registering for a newborn today, i am pretty certain i wouldn't sign up for a baby wipes warmer or a diaper genie. life just looks different by the 5th. for instance, one of my criterion for choosing a carseat was the dark color. it had to be dark enough to hide the stains of the four other children clambering over it in soccer cleats holding blue slushies.. oh my. yes, life looks different alright.
so all in all, it was one of those errands that caught me by surprise. i had planned to rush in and quickly select a few necessities. i had planned to be quick and efficient - a well seasoned and professional mom. instead, i spent over an hour roaming aisle after aisle. i looked at everything. everything. do you know that they now sell pacifier cases and special wipes for pacifiers? what happened to the 5 second rule? i scanned some pretty cool stuff for bella today....and my ankles weren't swollen, my back didn't ache and i could see my feet...but my heart, well, it was really, really full.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
right up to the moon -- and back
dear bella ~
we are on our way.
today was the day for which we have waited...prayed...hoped and dreamed.
today we received official travel approval. we are cleared. we are coming.
july 16th we will leave atlanta georgia and july 19th we will hold you in our arms. i can't believe we finally have a day. a date. a plan. but we do, oh bella, we do!
july 19th - our gotcha day - is the day for which we now long. it will be a day which will forever hold deep significance for the mcnatt family. we won't ever again hear that date mentioned without attaching it to YOU.
it is your day. it is our day. it is the day. after all this waiting. we are coming little one.
we found you july 7th, one year ago. God has in His most amazing way orchestrated every detail about this journey and He is faithfully bringing us together. finally. finally together. we are thrilled. amazed. petrified. humbled. we are thankful!
i came home tonight from a trip out of town and i walked into the room which is also waiting for you. i sat on the bed which soon will be yours and i looked around your pretty little room. looked at your things --ready and waiting. it's almost overwhelming to think you'll be dancing around in there soon.
oh, bella, we are so close. i can picture your head on the pillow. your arms around the stuffed cow. your hand upon your daddy's neck. your head upon his shoulder. your hand in mine. we are so close. we are coming little one.
this year we have learned to wait. and it hasn't been easy ... or very pretty. we have not always waited well. at times i have looked at the piles of paperwork and sighed heavily. we have printed copies and signed at X's and posted packages with a deep sense of urgency. i have woken in the middle of the night paniced something was done incorrectly or incompletely or missed entirely. i have even layed my head on the table and wept.
your brothers and sisters have asked repeatedly, "when are we going to get her? when is is going to happen? are we there yet?" like antsy children on a long car ride. it has indeed, at times, felt like a long ride. but we have never once doubted the beautiful destination. at the end of this journey was YOU. little you. our sweet bella.
we are coming little one.
every time i imagine your tiny self in the orphanage, i imagine Jesus right there with you...holding you. i am not sure i have adequate words to describe what loving a child across oceans feels like. only that it has given me the immeasurable gift of knowing my dependence on the power of God's great holding. i am more certain of it than ever before. He holds you in His hand. He holds even the oceans between us in His hand. they are nothing for Him -- mere drops of water. He holds all. the whole world. as a child i sang, "He has the whole world in His hands, He has the whole wide world in His hands...." today, i understand these words. we will someday sing this song together. little one, we are coming.
there is this book called guess how much i love you. i am certain i have read it over a gazillion times to your brothers and sisters when they were small. Little Nutbrown Hare tells Big Nutbrown Hare how much he loves him. he tells him in his own small and unfathomable terms. "'i love you right up to the MOON,' he said, and closed his eyes. 'Oh, that's far,' said Big Nutbrown Hare. 'That is very far'...Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, 'I love you right up to the moon -- and back.'" bella, we love you right up to the moon -- and back. and soon, very soon, we will whisper those words in your tiny ear. i am leaving this book by your bed. it will be there when you come home and we will read it a gazillion more times. together.
we are coming little one. we are coming.
love ~ your mom
we are on our way.
today was the day for which we have waited...prayed...hoped and dreamed.
today we received official travel approval. we are cleared. we are coming.
july 16th we will leave atlanta georgia and july 19th we will hold you in our arms. i can't believe we finally have a day. a date. a plan. but we do, oh bella, we do!
july 19th - our gotcha day - is the day for which we now long. it will be a day which will forever hold deep significance for the mcnatt family. we won't ever again hear that date mentioned without attaching it to YOU.
it is your day. it is our day. it is the day. after all this waiting. we are coming little one.
we found you july 7th, one year ago. God has in His most amazing way orchestrated every detail about this journey and He is faithfully bringing us together. finally. finally together. we are thrilled. amazed. petrified. humbled. we are thankful!
i came home tonight from a trip out of town and i walked into the room which is also waiting for you. i sat on the bed which soon will be yours and i looked around your pretty little room. looked at your things --ready and waiting. it's almost overwhelming to think you'll be dancing around in there soon.
oh, bella, we are so close. i can picture your head on the pillow. your arms around the stuffed cow. your hand upon your daddy's neck. your head upon his shoulder. your hand in mine. we are so close. we are coming little one.
this year we have learned to wait. and it hasn't been easy ... or very pretty. we have not always waited well. at times i have looked at the piles of paperwork and sighed heavily. we have printed copies and signed at X's and posted packages with a deep sense of urgency. i have woken in the middle of the night paniced something was done incorrectly or incompletely or missed entirely. i have even layed my head on the table and wept.
your brothers and sisters have asked repeatedly, "when are we going to get her? when is is going to happen? are we there yet?" like antsy children on a long car ride. it has indeed, at times, felt like a long ride. but we have never once doubted the beautiful destination. at the end of this journey was YOU. little you. our sweet bella.
we are coming little one.
every time i imagine your tiny self in the orphanage, i imagine Jesus right there with you...holding you. i am not sure i have adequate words to describe what loving a child across oceans feels like. only that it has given me the immeasurable gift of knowing my dependence on the power of God's great holding. i am more certain of it than ever before. He holds you in His hand. He holds even the oceans between us in His hand. they are nothing for Him -- mere drops of water. He holds all. the whole world. as a child i sang, "He has the whole world in His hands, He has the whole wide world in His hands...." today, i understand these words. we will someday sing this song together. little one, we are coming.
there is this book called guess how much i love you. i am certain i have read it over a gazillion times to your brothers and sisters when they were small. Little Nutbrown Hare tells Big Nutbrown Hare how much he loves him. he tells him in his own small and unfathomable terms. "'i love you right up to the MOON,' he said, and closed his eyes. 'Oh, that's far,' said Big Nutbrown Hare. 'That is very far'...Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, 'I love you right up to the moon -- and back.'" bella, we love you right up to the moon -- and back. and soon, very soon, we will whisper those words in your tiny ear. i am leaving this book by your bed. it will be there when you come home and we will read it a gazillion more times. together.
we are coming little one. we are coming.
love ~ your mom
Friday, June 25, 2010
nourishment
it is not everyday we find a brightly wrapped gift on our front porch. but this evening in the middle of watering plants along the front walk (pretty much a lost cause in atlanta's heat) i looked up and spotted a package. bringing the box inside, i opened the attached card while the two younger kids, in christmas morning fashion, tore into the wrapping. as i was lost in the words of the note, i heard connor's voice read aloud, "elec-tron-ic rice coo-ker...WE GOT AN ELECTRONIC RICE COOKER!" it sort of reminded me of the scene from a christmas story movie when the leg lamp arrives. such excitement. such thrill. such delight over a package. it didn't matter that a rice cooker wasn't at the top of the kids' wish list...we got one! ... and it came wrapped and it was at our door and we were surprised and presents are good! and there it was sitting on our kitchen counter...our very own electronic rice cooker! we were all smiling and nodding and admiring it. but it was the note... it was the note attached that elevated this gift from a nice surprise to a priceless treasure.
Dear Bella Grace, It's time for you to come home! There is a wonderful family awaiting your arrival with anticipation and joy. You will just love them. They have been preparing a place for you. This family loves you -- just because you are you! The Lord has given this family a love for you because He values you and has ordained your life to bring Him glory before the creation of the world. This Lord will provide for all your needs, Bella, for He is the Bread of Life. Just as rice nourishes your little body, He and He alone will nourish your soul into eternity. There's a whole family/community behind this beautiful family also anticipating meeting you, encouraging you and watching you grow. Be blessed little one! With Love from ~ The Michael Family
"For the bread of God is He who comes down from heaven
and gives life to the world....
I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry
and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." ~ John 6: 33-25
i've seen bottle warming devices and diaper genies given with the addition of a new child, but never a rice cooker. i love that. i absolutely love that one of bella's first gifts is this rice cooker. priscilla's beautiful note says it all. it is the perfect gift. i also love the complete practicality of it. whereas emily and i have been snatching up cute clothing with wild fashion abandon....filling bella's waiting closet and drawers with the latest must haves, i haven't thought much about my cooking methodology for a child coming from china. i mean we weren't going to start her right away on chic-fil-a...but i am pretty certain at some point she will have her first waffle fry and nugget while riding in the backseat to some older sibling's game or lesson or appointment. my sweet friend priscilla, however, has filled in this gap. God amazes us with the way He continually uses our friends to be His Body and His Hands to our family. long before hillary ever started talking about villages and children...God had it all figured out. He knows what it takes. He has always known what it takes to raise babies, adopt children and expand families. He has it covered. completely. the beauty of this completeness never, never ceases to amaze me. i bet you didn't know a rice cooker could be associated with such rich symbolism. but...this one, THIS rice cooker, THIS electronic rice cooker sitting on our counter IS. and even on the days when the rice is sticky or burned (hoping this will help my rice cooking) i will remember this gift of nourishment and this continual and beautiful gift of community. 
Saturday, June 19, 2010
for every bird a nest
For every bird a nest --
Wherefore in timid quest
Some little Wren goes seeking round --
Wherefore when boughs are free --
Households in every tree --
Pilgrim be found?
Perhaps a home too high --
Ah Aristocracy!
The little Wren desires --
Perhaps of twig so fine --
Of twine e'en superfine,
Her pride aspires --
The Lark is not ashamed
To build upon the ground
Her modest house --
Her modest house --
Yet who of all the throng
Dancing around the sun
Does so rejoice?
~ emily dickinson
a treasure i found while working in the yard this morning.
simple. beautiful. wonderful.
what is there about a nest which speaks of God's provision...
His design...His beauty...even His plans?
"the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it."
~ psalm 24:1
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
serendipity
serendipity. i first heard that word as a young girl. i remember thinking, "i will add this to my list of favorite words." it sits in the same category as the beautiful words, "bubble, loquacious, gossamer, effervescent, giggle and hippopotamus." come on, agree with me, these are words worth remembering. words worth pronouncing. you simply cannot say the word "hippopotamus" and not smile. go ahead...try. see, i am right on this. serendipty. definition: "surprised by joy." i love that. who doesn't like being surprised....especially by joy? serendipity is the act of discovering something delightful when not looking. today was a serendipitous day. i had been out in the yard transplanting grass. yes, grass. i was actually grumbling under my breath about the fact that grass can grow like gangbusters in places you don't want....but then is downright obstinate about thriving in those places you DO want it. i came in from the yard sweaty and hot, dirt caked under my nails and in my shoes. while i was getting something to drink (and still muttering about grass) i remembered an email i was supposed to send. i turned on the computer and... BAM! serendipity! there it was, this email and these pictures. there SHE was...this face....this smile. there on the screen her little pink shoes and her tiny rosebud lips and her enormous dark eyes. and yes, even her sideburns (note to self: pick up a good pair of hair cutting sheers before leaving for china). oh my. surprised by joy! i sat and just soaked it in. soaked and soaked and soaked. i drank in her little hand holding the rail. i drank in the curve of her chin, the glimmer in her eye, the thickness of her hair. my only thought: THIS is the child we are going to get soon. THIS is the tiny girl we will have running through the hallways of our home. THIS is the child for which we have prayed. THIS is our daughter, our sister, our girl. oh friends, i cannot tell you. i may love the word serendipity...but it is not nearly enough. on my long list of beautiful words, i cannot come up with any combination that can do justice to the song in my heart. though we have tried repeatedly to get information on bella, we've had nothing. no reports. no pictures. nothing since last november. getting these photos on a monday morning, dirty nails and all, is just a most precious gift.
rick and i were so encouraged by how healthy she looks. just to see her outdoors is an amazing thing. the last picture we have of her shows her behind the bars of a crib, bundled up in a coat four times her size. there was a puddle of water underneath her crib. today we saw sunshine on her face. these pictures are filled with firsts. we've never seen her stand. we've never seen her smile. we've never seen her outdoors. i know these are little things...but when your child is on the other side of the world these little things grow enormous. and enormous is the gift of these pictures. enormous is the song in my heart. enormous is my gratitude....and enormous is our anticipation in bringing her home soon.
"my heart LEAPS FOR JOY and i will give
thanks to Him in song!" ~ psalm 28:7
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
connor's list
....and i can't wait to watch connor introduce his new baby sister to mac and cheese and "gumyse."
Friday, May 21, 2010
nesting
i spent the day moving things from here to there.
important stuff like placing random crayons back into the crayon box. separating pencils and pens from the general fray of the junk drawer. closets were emptied and reorganized. papers were shuffled and tossed. puzzle pieces reunited with their correct boxes. that kind of thing.
there are now piles heading to goodwill and piles heading to the growing garbage heap. cushions were removed. couches were cleaned. clothes were sorted. i've seen this kind of behavior before. four times to be exact.
i am nesting.
i am readying the nest for a new addition. it's what we mamas just do when the time draws close. it is our instinct. and i do my very best to use this extra, innate energy to the fullest.
the nest is definitely more in need of readying as we add the fifth than it was adding the first child. truth be told, the nest has gotten a little out of hand lately. i still can't get over how similar adoption is to a pregnancy. i am officially in my third trimester, i suppose. i have arrived at that scary place where my husband just shakes his head and answers, "yes, dear... sure, honey...whatever you say, sweetheart." (i really like this part of the deal). i keep reminding him i've asked for no late night cheeseburgers or cartons of mint chocolate chip. but we have clearly entered that final month of waiting. her room is ready. and i am in the process of getting everything else ready. i am making lists of items we need. i am making lists of things to be done. i am making lists.
i guess somewhere in the back of my mind, i believe that everything will be smoother if EVERYthing is in place. come on jody, i tell myself, when is EVERYthing ever in place in a family of six? impossible. we live in a constant state of movement. we are always in search of that elusive roll of scotch tape...always on the hunt for shoes...always hunting for socks which match and finding spoons buried in the garden.
that is life with four children.
this is not a magazine layout, folks -- nowhere close! but, nonetheless, i spend countless hours preparing. i find myself up in her closet touching her clothing...rearranging toddler items...imagining her in the bath tub. recently i had a vision of her on our driveway. not really a vision. (at least not in the preternatural sense -- thankfully). just a picture of her. a picture of bella drawing with sidewalk chalk.
can you see it?
i can.
i see a sibling or two around her showing her, demonstrating, modeling. i am pretty certain she has never drawn on a driveway. i am pretty certain even a driveway is a completely foreign idea. some of you stop me in the hallways of our church or in the aisles of the market to tell me you are getting so excited about her near arrival. i ran into my friend, allison, at school this morning and she hugged me saying she she can't believe we are getting so close. "i have chill bumps on my arms!" she said and showed them to me. indeed, there they were.
chill bumps or goosebumps for a little girl in china - oh, how wonderful.
last night at a school meeting, my friend, beverly, brought me a few more sweet dresses she is passing down from her daughter, lilia. dresses for bella. she had been carrying them around and wanted to make sure i got them. they are now hanging in bella's closet. ready for wearing. we both think the yellow gingham will be perfect on her. oh, we know there is much ahead that is hard and challenging and demanding, but i am so thankful that God provides these tender moments to linger in a closet or hug a friend or picture a little girl on a driveway with a fistful of pink chalk.
God is allowing me these rose-colored pictures as encouragement. He knows i know enough to be more than intimidated by bringing home a child with a heart condition. but, He is not allowing me to set down too long in that overwhelming place. He is encouraging the sunlight. He is encouraging the sweetness. He is encouraging the beauty that will be ours -- regardless. i am so very thankful.
isn't it amazing how He has created that little something in women that causes us to prepare for a new child? that is simply and truly a thing of beauty. of course it is also rather practical. i'd hate it if i was steeped in lethargy right now. i am in need of this little boost of energy and, by golly, i'm making the most of it.
a mess, yes. but blessed.
and when she comes home our nest will be full.
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