our new friend, phyllis

her name tag said phyllis.

but i didn't notice that at first. when you're at the supermarket and a woman steps from behind the deli counter and approaches you ... her name tag isn't the first thing you notice.

but phyllis was headed directly for me.

let me back up a minute. just prior to the advance of this deli counter-woman named phyllis, bella was running out ahead of my cart. i hadn't quite cleared the produce aisle and little miss had already turned the corner, camping out in front of a beanie babies display. a display which just happened to be across from the deli counter.

think grocery store layout ... you get it.

anyway, bella was rummaging through the beanie babies at the speed of an obsessed five year old. she was picking out one after another and clutching them closely to her chest.  and before i even reached her she was already begging.

"puuullleeeasseee mama... puuullleeeasssee, mom, can i get one. puuullleeeasssee!"

begging doesn't even begin to explain the full court press my kindergartner was laying on me.

beginning my hunt in the cheese section for the right sized wheel of brie, i barely glanced up, "no bella. no stuffed animals today."

"puuullleeeeaaase mama!"

"i said no bella. we have too many stuffed animals at our house as it is.  you don't need another one honey. now please go put it back."

"but mama ..."

"---no, bella. that's final." 

you know the scene. you've probably witnessed it a a couple hundred times yourself. it happens every day in grocery stores all across america, right? kids whining for candy bars and packs of gum and beanie babies. beanie babies??? what are beanie babies doing in the grocery store anyway???

she stomped back toward the beanie baby display with her stuffed ladybug swinging at her side. her chin at her chest, her arms crossed in dismay, and her shoulders slumped in complete disappointment -- her mama had said no.

that was when i saw phyllis heading my way.

"excuse me," she said approaching, "but would you let me buy her the stuffed animal?"

honestly, i just stared at her. it took a good minute or so to comprehend what she was asking.

was the lunchmeat lady from behind the counter really asking me if she could purchase a stuffed ladybug for my daughter? i felt confused. muddled. unsure.

why was she offering?

"you see," she went on to say, "i have $5 in my pocket and i would really like to buy that  for her. it would bring me joy to get that stuffed animal for your little girl. i like to do this from time to time..." she faltered for a second, "it ... it... blesses me."

i was speechless.

i kind of wanted to say no -- just for the fact that  bella was doing her very best to continue her almighty pout and protest over at that rack of stuffed critters. i shouldn't give in. she didn't deserve this nice lady's offer.

not to mention this sweet woman who worked at the deli didn't need to be spending that $5 in her pocket. i wanted to encourage her to save it for her break. buy herself a coffee or a soda or an ice cream. she didn't need to do this for my little girl with a bedroom full of beanie babies ... my little girl who from the level of her pout clearly hadn't been told "no" enough.

but phyllis looked me right in the eyes and said, "please. would you please allow me? it would bring me joy."

and looking into the eyes of this woman, there was nothing i could say except --- "yes."

" yes, that is very kind of you. yes, you don't have to do this for her, but yes, we accept your gift. it is very sweet. very generous."

i stumbled over my words.

i was overwhelmed with her kindness.

i was awkward in my gratitude.

i did my best to make sure bella knew that this lady that we didn't even really know was doing something exceptionally nice for her. and we hadn't even ordered one slice of lunchmeat!

i'm sure i asked bella to say thank you to miss phyllis no less than 15 times.

i just didn't know how to graciously accept this unexpected, undeserved, unmerited gift.

because sometimes we don't.

we just don't know how to accept something which is freely given.

kind of like with Christ.

He has this amazing gift of grace for us ... eternal life, in fact ...and we dance around awkwardly thinking, "i don't need it ... everything's pretty okay here ... i can purchase it myself ... i don't need any help ... i don't deserve it ... why me? ... nothing is for free ... what's the catch?"

that's kind of how we feel about God's gifts sometimes, isn't it? because grace is exactly that -- unexpected. undeserved and absolutely 100% unmerited.

that's what makes it grace! beautiful catch-me-off-guard-at-the-deli-counter-grace!

"for the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.  ~ romans 6:23

"for by grace you have been saved through faith. and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God."  ~ ephesians 2:8

pretty amazing, huh?

so, i just had to share this story tonight.

nothing better than meeting a new friend at the meat counter ...

nothing better than being reminded of beanie babies ... free gifts ... and grace.

the little and big things

sometimes it's the small things.  over this past year i've clearly been in need of some pretty big stuff -- some pretty big physical healing, emotional healing...let's face it, mental healing.  you don't hear the diagnosis "cancer" and bounce back quickly.  no... that set the stage for a road.  a long road of hurt and then even a longer road of healing.  but in all of that big diagnosis and big hurt and big need...i found so often it was the little things which helped the most.


this month, though, we aren't dealing with cancer.  we aren't dealing with disease...but with some disappointment.  some sadness. perhaps even some depression.  with the decision to leave our home and our friends and our church and our school...all these things come into play.  i'd like to tell you that i am 100% on board and ready to go.  but i'm not.  i am doing better this week. better each week actually -- and i am working through it.  but it is still what it is. and the bottom line is, it is hard.  maybe you've been in my place before.  walked in my shoes.  i've heard from so many of you who have told me so.  who have confirmed my suspicions that i am honestly not the very first woman ever to have to pick up and pack up and load up and leave.  


i had the same thing happen after the cancer.  story after story after story shared.   the outpouring of your own struggles and sacrifices and sad things came crashing at me.  sometimes it was a little overwhelming, but mostly it was helpful and part of the healing.  healing to hear that others have walked hard roads...others have battled this same ugliness at all different levels.  i printed out almost every response.  every letter.  every note. email. inbox.  i have them all in an album underneath my bed.  my beautiful friend, karen, put together a book for me where each of my girlfriends took a page and wrote me something of blessing and encouragement.  this book is teeming with the words and handwriting of my lovely, loving friends.  some included a swatch of ribbon or a dried flower or a beautiful picture.  some wrote scripture and some wrote prayers.  karen brought me this book just days before my surgery. for weeks, i couldn't pull it out and read through it without crying over the sweet pages of its friendship.  that book is a treasure.  big thing or little thing, i'm not exactly sure, but absolutely a huge piece of my healing.


now with this move i am beginning to notice how, again, little stuff helps.  the funniest thing made a difference last week.  connor came home from school and pulled a spelling test out of his wild and unruly 3rd grade backpack.  he wasn't half in the door before he began to tell me about what had happened.  his teacher, mrs. pinkston, had put a minnesota vikings sticker at the top of his paper.  and that was it.  that sticker.  that little itty bitty circle of a sticker helped me.  something about it...something about her deliberately choosing that sticker for him, encouraged me.  mind you, i am not even remotely a fan of the minnesota vikings or of any vikings, for that matter.  it is the craziest thing, isn't it? mrs. pinkston is like this though.  she is a woman who listens to the whispers of God in the big things and in even the very small things -- like stickers.


this most remarkable woman has blessed my 8 year old in his 3rd grade year more than i can explain.  every year that we've had a 3rd grader at pcs i wanted this sparkly kind of lady to be their teacher.  but this was the very first time we "got her."  and i knew God was saving her just for my tender son, connor.  he hasn't been all that sure he actually liked this school thing...honestly, my boy would prefer to stay home in his filthy blue jeans and play in the woods.  he'd choose his bike or atv over mathematics any old day, counting miles per hour...not minutes until the bell rings.  and then on top of his anti-school attitude, his little world got rocked when i got cancer...and it was at that time, this summer, that we found out connor would spend 3rd grade with mrs. pinkston.  i remember being propped up in bed not too long after the surgery and just giving thanks for that very thing. small thing? big thing?  it was a huge thing for me.  it gave me such confidence to know if there was a teacher to encourage my connor, it would be without a doubt, phyllis pinkston.


and now this week my son comes home and can't wait to show me his sticker and somehow it just reminds me that it will be okay.  that it will and can be good.  i am pretty certain mrs. pinkston didn't pray over which sticker to put on connor's spelling test this week. she didn't need to go seek counsel from the church elders on the matter...  she just did what seemed natural.  perhaps she had to scrounge around or even shop for that exact sticker...i don't know.  maybe it was on a sheet tucked away in a drawer from 5 years ago...maybe mrs. pinkston is secretly a big fan of the minnesota vikings....but she found it and she placed it on his paper and she added a smile to his face and a little bit of encouragement to this mama's heart.  and i can't even explain exactly why...but it's true and it's there and it helped.  and i'm saving that spelling test.


and if you ever hear a little whisper in your ear or a little prompting in your heart to do something small for someone...do it.  would you just do it? don't shove it away and think it unimportant and too trivial.  maybe it is something big like this album my friend karen poured herself into....maybe it is just attaching a minnesota vikings sticker to a 3rd grader's spelling test.  doesn't much matter...but it matters much to the person receiving the gift...receiving the gesture.  big or little.. listen to the whisper of God's nudging...it matters.