when the answer is "no."

i've never been especially good at being told, "no."
you can ask my mother.
never.

in fact, if i'm being honest, i'd probably have to admit that when i hear "no" it kind of makes me want whatever it is even more.

i'm not saying this is exactly an admirable quality, just that it's true.

so, i've been a little quiet over here on the blog this month.
two reasons:
1. it's pretty busy around our house these days. (i'll save that for another post).
2. deep in my heart, i've been processing one of those unwanted "no's."

i've been dealing with a "no" ... and i haven't been dealing with it very well.

a couple of months ago, i shared that we were beginning the adoption process for another little girl over in changsha, china. (meet lu). there were some obvious logistical challenges and we knew it would take a lot for us to be allowed to adopt her. maybe even a miracle. but that was okay, because i happen to know a God who is in exactly that business -- miracles.

i was ready to trust. we all were.

in my enthusiasm i posted about little lu on her 5th birthday -- february 10th. probably a bit early in the process, but it caused many of you to pray for her. and though it might look like a spilled the beans before it was "safe," i don't regret asking for your prayers for this adoption. for us. for her.

in my enthusiasm i placed copies of this verse all over our house. every bathroom mirror. the refrigerator door. my dashboard. etc...
i was claiming these words for our adoption and for little lu over in china.







and so we began the paperwork and started the process and everything in me said "go!"
do this.
fight.
push.
persist.
march forward.
plow ahead.
make a way.
reach.
run.

trust.

in my mind, this was the right path for our family. the perfect fit. a no-brainer. an obvious next step. even an answer to prayer.

of course i began picturing little lu and bella playing in our home ... walking hand in hand ... giggling at the breakfast table ... sharing bedtime stories and hair bows and secrets.

but a few weeks ago, we were told "no."
through several emails and phone calls, the director of the asia program for our adoption agency, spelled it out for me: this adoption wasn't going to happen. it really wasn't a possibility. the CCWA would never allow it. we had a combination of things going which turned our hope into a "no."

i'll try to explain:
little lu is too healthy, she's not "special focus." special focus means the child has a higher level of special needs. it's a classification system china uses for its orphans. basically, there are three categories: healthy, special needs and special focus.  lu, praise God, is healthy with a slight developmental delay. though they could maybe classify her as special needs, there's no way she would be deemed "special focus."

so, the bottom line is lu is too healthy and i, according to china, am not healthy enough.

because of my little wrangle with cancer 3 years ago, china will only approve us to adopt a child who is on the special focus list -- and even that isn't guaranteed. in addition, in order to write a medical waiver on my behalf, they'd really like me to be closer to 8 years cancer free. three years isn't much to boast about by china standards.

it doesn't matter that my oncologist and other doctors have written glowing health reports and given me an exceptional prognosis. it doesn't matter that i am fully functioning (all things considered, that is). it doesn't matter that we've moved on from the cancer chapter. it doesn't matter that i'm carefully monitored every few months. it doesn't even matter that we have medical testing which places me back in the normal or average range of risk-recurrence.

it doesn't matter that we have the resources available to adopt her.
it doesn't matter that we have the room in our home and in our hearts.
it doesn't matter that our family is ready and willing.
it doesn't matter that we long to embrace another little girl from china.
it doesn't matter that we have fallen in love with her sweet face.

it doesn't matter that in china, every single day, children are being abandoned on street corners and in stairwells and around cities and  throughout villages.

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT THERE ARE OVER 70 MILLION ORPHANS IN ASIA ALONE WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE THEM, CHOOSE THEM, BRING THEM HOME.

it doesn't matter that there is an overwhelming shortage of people saying "yes!" to adoption.

china will not approve this adoption.

and, for a woman who doesn't like to hear the word "no," i haven't been handling that news very well.  knowing that this was a stretch from the beginning, i promised my husband and family and friends that i would "hold this adoption loosely." that i wouldn't get too attached or go too far down that emotional path. and in some ways, i've been good ... careful ... guarded. but, folks, the truth is, i'm not a very guarded, careful or cautious kind of woman. i'm just not.

and though i was polite in our final phone conversation. i haven't been quite so polite in my feelings since as i try to figure out how to make sense of this "no."

i've argued a little bit with God, telling Him this could have been a really cool opportunity for Him to work. this was a situation right there in His wheelhouse. it could have been a total win-win for everyone involved. (yes, i explained that to God. i did).

i'm mad at china and their rules and reasons and red tape.

the way it's set up in china adoptions is that if you are over age 50 or have a medical history, you can only qualify to adopt kids who are "special focus" -- kids with a greater level of need. seriously, does that make sense to you?

and, let's be real here, it's not like this is a supply and demand issue. i assure you, there is no shortage in china of children needing families.

and yes, i'm mad at the cancer.

i didn't even realize how mad until i was driving home from (yet another) appointment last week.  don't get me wrong, i'm so thankful for the great medical care i've had over these past three years, but yesterday's doctor, being very thorough with me, wanted to discuss multiple facets of my health, the cancer and further testing.  she was only doing her job, but by the time i drove away, i just wanted to scream, "enough already!"

i'm done fitting cancer into my life. i'm done hearing about it. talking about it. every single night when i pop my tamoxifen into my mouth i swallow the word cancer. i'm done. it took some things away from me a few years ago ... and the truth is i'm mad that it is taking this adoption from me right now.

i know that's not a very spiritual mindset.

i know i sound self-pitying and ungrateful.

and i know of many others who are, right now, in the midst of this ugly battle and only wish they could forget about cancer for a few minutes. my cancer situation pales in comparison.

i really am so incredibly grateful for my health and for how God carried us through that crisis a few years back. i'm grateful for how He continues to provide. i'm even grateful for that little, white pill i take each night to keep the cancer at bay.  i really am.

oh gosh, i have so much for which to rejoice in and so little for which to complain about. shame on me for even the smallest of grumbles.

but, being honest here, i still get kind of mangled up inside when it comes to hearing this particular "no" and knowing that it has a lot to do with that ugly cancer which i'd prefer to, instead, leave far behind in the dust.

maybe you've got something like this in your life?

it doesn't have to be cancer. but maybe you've got something which feels a little bit like an albatross hanging around your neck. something that keeps popping up. something which continues to rear its ugly head or remind you of an issue or a limitation.

maybe you've also heard a "no" recently and you just aren't sure how to handle it.

maybe you get it. maybe you understand.

and maybe you, like me, can mostly feel pretty grateful for all God's given and the work He has done, but sometimes ... sometimes ... you still want to kick the cancer or the red tape over in china or the whatever it is which needles your soul.

i'm writing this to give you an update on this adoption and little lu ... and, also, to give you a little glimpse into some feelings which aren't always admirable or inspiring, but which are just plain, old real and raw.

sometimes, dear friends, the answer is "no."

"for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD." ~ isaiah 55:8

a few days ago, i shared mother's day with my five kiddos. i don't need a holiday to tell me how blessed i am and how much God has given. even in the crazies, i can see, touch, taste, feel that every single day.  life is good. the days are full. His gifts are great. the blessings are many. God's timing is perfect. His answers complete. His way is straight. His grace amazing.

and though we won't be adopting little lu, we are sponsoring her through pearl river outreach (more about PRO below), and we'll get to see how things unfold for her. and more than that, we'll get to watch how God's perfect plan unfolds. we trust He has the right family already picked out for this little girl. we are sad that she won't be ours, but she will be somebody else's "yes!"

and for that, we trust Him and we praise Him.

and we continue to pray for little lu.  join us! let's watch God work something great in her life.

so, will the mcnatt family adopt again? very likely. there are other options and we'd be honored if God calls us to pursue a child on the special focus list. that list might matter to china, but it doesn't matter to us ... all these kids are special ... all of them belong to Him.

may God use even this little story for greater good and for His glory.


a few endnotes:
if you'd like more information about sponsoring a child through pearl river outreach you can click on their website: http://www.pearlriveroutreach.blogspot.com  (you'll communicate with my dear friend, diana rouse)!
pearl river is not an adoption agency, but an incredible organization which provides training for care givers in china. they work closely with the foster mothers and they help find sponsors for the waiting children. contact diana!

or maybe God's been working in your heart and stirring up thoughts of adoption. do you need someone to encourage you? though we've been disappointed with this outcome for our family, we believe passionately in the process of adoption. you don't have to read very far in my blog to know the tremendous blessing adoption has played in the mcnatt family. as my daughter posted on instagram the other day, "adoption rox!" 
need encouragement, direction or a big push?  you can email me at emmyandty@aol.com.  

love and prayers: meet lu

we had decided to wait a little bit.
we weren't going to share this news quite so soon.
but i never do things all smart and prudent and practical like that. i just don't.
and tonight i went to rick and i said, "i think it's a good day to share." and he agreed.

because what we want is not your attention or your applause or your approval.

what we want is your prayers.

see, there's this little girl again. she's on the other side of the world without a family.

and today she turned five. five.

i think back last year to bella's 5th birthday party -- the ballerinas and the beauty and the pink mulit-layered birthday cake -- and my heart just breaks for a little girl on the other side of the world who doesn't have a mama to make her a tutu or tell her she's too-too cute. that's she's precious. loved. wanted. a little girl who has a birthday today, but no family to share it with.

yep. that breaks me a little. a lot, really.

her name is lu.
and she's beautiful.

and, oh boy, how she is wanted!

today we mailed off the paperwork to an agency to begin our home study and start the process of adopting this little lu.

but here's the deal: we need your prayers. oh my do we need your prayers.

lu is pretty healthy and that's good -- that's great! but, because i have a not so healthy medical history involving cancer, china might turn us away. they could very well say no. and we can't know that right now.
we can only wait ... and pray.
wait and pray.
we know how to do that. and that is exactly what we will do.
but all of us -- rick, jody, emily, tyler, sarah, connor and bella -- we want to ask you to pray with us. pray for us.

... to pray for lu.

tonight. today. tomorrow.

we need to ask God for big things. huge things. we know that if this little lu is meant to be in our home, God can do it. He can move mountains, He can make miracles and He can, very well, change some things around in china. He can bring this little lu smack dab in the middle of our crazy family.

so it might be kind of early to share this news.
but today is her birthday.
and, somehow, it seemed the perfect time to share a slice of celebration.

will you pray for little lu? whatever God has planned for her life.
the mcnatt family wants her ... but we trust and believe God has her.

will you join us in praying for little lu?

we can't give her a pretty birthday present wrapped up with a bow tonight --- but perhaps asking our friends to pray is a pretty good present after all.

 this is the confidence we have in approaching God: 

that if we ask anything according to His will, 

He hears us.  and if we know that He hears us—

whatever we ask—we know 

that we have what we asked of Him.    

~ 1 john 5: 14-15

a mess

it's sunday evening and i'm on a plane.
heading west while staring out at the setting sun through a tiny oval opening.

just like with praise music in church, i get teary eyed on planes. almost always. i don't know why exactly. something about being completely out of control and held up and helpless and vulnerable. that stuff. i'm not scared, i'm just in awe. i'm a little more than overwhelmed by something i don't get and can't understand, but still want to trust.

aerodynamics make no sense to me. none.

like that sun setting off the wing of this aircraft -- not sure why it is so incredibly beautiful. and not exactly sure how it happens to be suspended out there. dangling in the almost dark. i don't get it. except i trust ... God holds it. i trust God has it.

you're getting the picture, aren't you?
weepy woman on a plane heading home.

a mess.

you see, you can't spend a weekend with 450 mamas who have adopted from every country possible and have encountered every story imaginable and walk away untouched. unmoved. unmessed.

it just doesn't happen.

God's power and His very presence resides in rooms with women-warriors like these. these ladies know what it means to be flat out on their faces, surrendered and vulnerable; torn open to the tenderness God has placed in their hearts.
they know the meaning of out-of-control.
they know the meaning of  dependence.
just like this airplane -- when it doesn't always make sense.
they know what it means to wonder and to want and to wish ...

most of all, they know what it means to wait on God.

and, friends, y'all know -- that's not always exactly easy for women -- warriors or otherwise!

it's not easy to wait on God and wonder what He has planned or how He's going to hold it all together. it's hard sometimes to see what He has in store and what in the world He is doing with us ... with our families ... with that precious child a million miles away.

so, spending a couple of days with ladies like this leaves a girl a little bit messy. it stirs up all kinds of stuff. it encourages and energizes. it prompts and it pierces.

i had the chance to speak at this weekend's conference and share a little bit of our journey: adoption and cancer. we talked about how Jesus walks on water even in the midst of life's messiest, most frightening, most out of control storms. we talked about how Jesus holds out His hand and holds the boat and holds the child in the storm. sharing that message with these women opened up opportunities for me to hear their stories.

and oh.my.goodness -- what a privilege to listen to the journey Jesus has many of them on! women told me stories of joyful homecomings and tearful endings. i heard about miracles occurring and mountains moving. i heard amazing story after amazing story. i also heard about heartbreak -- about disrupted adoptions and hurting children and unexpected illness. i heard about great love and i heard about great loss. and what i heard most, was women who gave God great glory and praise in all of it. all of it.

i had a chance to talk with these women, to pray with a few, to cry with a couple.

that's messy, broken and incredibly beautiful stuff.

you see, these are women who want to be stirred. these are women willing to sit at the feet of Jesus, hold onto the hem of His garment and listen for the whispers of their Lord. they didn't ask for easy. they aren't signing up for smooth. they don't pretend to hold it all together makng it all look picture perfect. no, these women are ready to let go and let God do what He wants to do with them, with their families, with their futures ... even with their frailty. 

i applaud the talented and passionate team of girls who put on this created for care conference. they came with hands to serve and hearts to minister.

i showed up early on friday for a speaker's meeting. the director, andrea, wanted to meet with those of us who would spend the weekend speaking. i knew i was in the right place when almost the very first thing out of andrea's mouth went something like this: "thank you for coming to speak, but ladies i want to remind you, you are here to serve. i want you to be in the hallways and between the breakout sessions connecting with these women. i want you to be searching for that woman in need, that gal who seems lost or overwhelmed. look into her eyes, take the time to stop and hear her story, get her name and, if it's not you, connect her with someone who can help."

isn't that awesome?
i mean doesn't that just rock your socks off?

that's real ministry, people!

andrea didn't want her speakers to show up and stand on a pedestal and preach ... she wanted us to come and wash the feet of the women who came to listen. she wanted our own hands and feet to be louder and lovelier than any of our voices ever could be.

she wanted us to get messy and messed up.

she wanted us to be part of the plane ride -- the out of control, vulnerable place of i-can't-do-this-on-my-own-oh-Lord-Jesus-help-me!

the place where God shows up.

because this gal, andrea, is directing this ministry under the direction of her Jesus and here's the deal --- that's how Jesus does it. that's how He did it when He walked the earth and it's how His church is to do it now. He came not just to preach, but to pursue. He came not just to save, but to serve. Jesus who didn't discriminate between the very religious and the most rotten. Jesus who saw worth and value and victory in all of it -- in all of us.

Jesus who always made time for the least and the lost and the little.

Jesus who had a heart for the hurting, for the helpless, for the orphan.

Jesus who said, "let the little children come to me." ~ matthew 19:14

these women this weekend represented almost 600 adopted kids with over 1200 children total. these 450 women will walk back into homes tonight refreshed and filled up because they experienced real ministry -- they experienced love. they will take it back to their homes and love even better the little children of the world ... all the children of the world ... red and yellow, black and white.

and sitting on this plane, heading home tonight, i love that.

i love that i could get away for weekend and get messy in some real ministry and refueled for what God has in store.

i even love sitting on my airplane ride home with a few tears trickling down my cheeks. (the guy next to me is probably not loving that part so much). i'm pretty sure i'm making him a little nervous, but i don't care. i think i'm going to stop writing now and try to tell him about how much Jesus loves him too!

out of the corner

"religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." james 1:27

why does this picture immediately warm our hearts?

what is it, exactly, that catches our eye or captures our emotion?

is it the gold setting of beautiful fall?

is it the arms of a child around her daddy's neck?

the cute backside of my husband? (okay, just had to throw that one in for some fun).

is it her eyes?

or maybe the smile on her face?

what is it?

i think, for me, it's all of that. and more. it's knowing how corrupt and ugly our world is and how sweet and safe this picture is -- how serene. we don't typically live in gold-leafed kinds of places. sometimes we struggle to feel the warmth of our Father's arms or the safety of His embrace. we all know what the longing feels like to be held close ... comforted ... picked up.

but we live in a world, as james said, "polluted." polluted with every kind of evil and abuse which man in his sinful state can think up or imagine. there's no limit to the darkness which pervades our culture. no end to the twisting of God's truth or the corruption of people. and we don't have to look far to find it.

and maybe that's why this picture mostly gets me.

i mean, sure it's my husband holding our daughter. that probably has something to do with it. but, truly, it's more than that.

it's everything which is opposite. it's all things antithetical to this photo.

i look at this and i don't see what we did for bella in adopting her, i see what God's done for us in our adoption.

"to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. and because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” so you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. ~ galatians 4:5-7 

compare that picture above with this one. this is the corner in which bella was found at five months of age.

quite a contrast, right?

there's nothing golden about it.

do you see the filth, the dirt, the cigarette butt? do you see the loneliness? the hopelessness? the desperation?

that's where we come from, friends. that corner, right there, well, that's pretty much life without Jesus. we can dress it up and make it look nicer. we can paint it pretty and make it a little more lovely. we can tidy it up in the spirit of human goodness or man's acts of kindness. but behind it all ... is still ... a dirty corner and a desperate life.

only when Jesus comes in and removes us from this place, this pit, are we able to shed the filth. it will cling to us until the day we find Him and His saving embrace. it will cling to us when we don't even realize it's clinging. and maybe that's the most desperate place of all -- the corner which has been covered up enough to think it's okay. to think it's clean enough ... to think it's kind enough ... to even think it's happy enough. but really, underneath all the distraction and decoration is still ... that desperate, dirty corner.

bella was a helpless baby left in that corner. she was sick. she was alone and she had nothing to offer, nothing to give. as her mother, i can barely type out those words. but as hard as that is to think about, it's the truth i know. it's the truth her life has shown us ... not just about her, but about all of us.

      “whoever receives one such child in my name receives me..." ~  matthew 18:5

every one of us is alone in a filthy corner until Jesus comes.

i can think of no other word picture so powerful.

our adoption of bella doesn't put us on a higher plane or any kind of super spiritual power trip. not at all. in fact, if anything, it reminds us of how alone and orphaned we all are without Jesus. adopting bella has been the most humbling thing we've ever done as a family, because it so clearly wasn't about us. only through our own desperate adoptions were we able to fully rely on Him for the strength to go get bella. bella is in our arms today, because of Christ's arms around us. her adoption was never about our ability or our good works or even about our loving kindness. it was and is, only about what He can do through us when we stay close to Him.

do you know the love of your Father's arms today? or are you still trying to clean up your own little corner?

today, all across this country, we celebrated orphan sunday. i love this day. but, this is not a day only for families who have adopted or will adopt, this is for all of us who have been adopted into the family of God.

dear one, do you feel alone? abandoned? rejected? afraid?

do not give up hope -- Jesus is near.

Jesus, the one, who wants to meet you in your corner.

Jesus, the only one, who can rescue, redeem and remove.

"but to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, 

He gave the right to become children of God." ~ john 1:12 

"I waited patiently for the Lord;

    he turned to me and heard my cry.

 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

    out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

    and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

    a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

    and put their trust in him.

 Blessed is the one

    who trusts in the Lord,

who does not look to the proud,

    to those who turn aside to false gods.

 Many, Lord my God,

    are the wonders you have done,

    the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

    they would be too many to declare."

~ psalm 40:1-5

an adoption story

every now and then i come across a story which tugs at my heart.

i bet that happens to you also.

i know we can't contribute to every fundraiser and every financial situation and every friend in need ... i mean, i wish we could. because heaven knows there are lots of opportunities to come alongside someone -- there are lots of people in need.

heaven knows, many of us have been that family in need. sometimes it's about money. sometimes it's about more.

mark and mindy's story is like that.

mark and mindy had plans for a family. dreams.  but after many years of infertility and various treatments their desire for biological children seemed more an impossibility than a dream.

they began to look into adoption, something which mindy always had a heart for.

they made a decision to be done with the infertility treatments and move on to the adoption process. after saving diligently, mark and mindy were able to completely pay for their son's adoption in 2009.  they joyfully brought isaac home at three days old.

and they rejoiced!

this couple with dreams for children soon became even more convinced that adoption was God's intended plan for their family. some believe that for couples dealing with infertility issues adoption is a "plan b" approach or a lesser opportunity to become parents. like, "well, if this doesn't work, you can always adopt, right?" believe it or not, i've heard that a time or two.

but that wasn't the case with mindy and mark. it might be different in method, but it was just as much a part of God's perfect provision as having them the old fashioned way. and really, truly adopted children are just as much our children as biological children. i know some people have a hard time believing that ... trust me, though, it's true.

recently when i was writing about our own family i made the comment that we had four children naturally and one supernaturally.  i think that fits perfectly! and there's just nothing secondary or "lesser" about that.

so mark and mindy decided to move forward one more time. another domestic adoption was on the horizon. after waiting for over two years, they were finally chosen by a birth mom. the situation was complicated and there were some concerns, but nonetheless, they went forward with the adoption. and on december 18th, mindy was in the delivery room when their baby girl, ava rose, was born. they brought her home in time for christmas and they rejoiced in the gifts of these two beautiful children. mark and mindy and isaac welcomed this little dark haired beauty into their arms and they became a precious family of four.

except that four months later, the birth father dramatically disrupted the adoption. ava rose was taken from them and returned to the birth mother.

can you imagine? can you imagine this family's devastation?

mark's sister, lynne, (my dear friend), wrote this:

 "The heartbreak was crazy... like a death.  We were all reeling when it ended the way it did. That was in April.  Since then M and M have been so faithful to trust the Lord to bring good out of this incredibly painful situation. They have really been grieving, but through their grief wondered when they would be ready to have their profile shown again by their agency. Just when they had decided maybe they would call and tell the agency to go ahead, they got a call saying they had been chosen.  It's much quicker than they were thinking... but sometimes God's timing is that way!" 

mark and mindy were surprised when the agency called them this summer and said another birth mother had chosen them. would they consider? YES! they are thrilled to be matched again and confident God is leading them back down this path. though vulnerable and a little fearful, they are trusting in the perfect timing of their heavenly Father. they trusted God's plan in their infertility, in their first adoption, in the loss of ava rose, and now they are stepping boldly into that humble place of complete trust once again.

here's the deal though, friends: adopting babies takes money. we all know the natural way is much less expensive. but adoptions require big funds. and for this sweet family, they had already used the money saved on the adoption of ava rose -- the adoption which didn't happen.

now, this new baby is due in october and that doesn't give them much time to come up with the money needed.

mark, mindy and isaac would love to move forward in this new adoption, but they are in need of support. i don't know how much or how little you could give ... but, as a friend to this family, i would love to ask you to pray about it and consider. 

i write a lot in this blog about children. sometimes i write about the inconvenience of children and the weariness of motherhood. yes, that's reality, but stories like this one make me ashamed of those feelings.

children are a precious gift from God.

i can't explain why He chooses for some of us to have them easily and uneventfully, while others have to struggle financially and physically to become parents.  i don't get that. it doesn't make sense to me, but, i assure you,  it is one of the questions on my when-i-get-to-heaven list! 

mark and mindy desperately want this baby. they need some help to quickly come up with the funds for this adoption. would you take a look at the fundraising page and prayerfully consider? some of us are called to adopt children. some of us are called to pray. some of us are called to help provide the funds. all of us are called to something.

 please take a minute and click on:  erdmann adoption

behold, 

children are a gift 

of the Lord ~ psalm 127:3

waiting to dance

i think it's when she dances that i notice it most. whether's she up on a big, serious stage, like she was this weekend or dancing between the refrigerator and stove in my kitchen.

there's this little extra pinch of transformation which takes place.

like a butterfly with new wings.

there's something in her eyes.  something about her face.  something in how she holds her delicate hands and moves her slim shoulders.

there's something in the twirl and leap and spin which grabs hold of my heart when i watch her.  she is so natural. and i wonder, if still in china, would she be dancing? do children in orphanages of 3000 even dance?

i don't mean do they wear sparkly costumes and have perfect ballet buns or glossy curls -- that's ridiculous to think.  but do they have anything in them which wants to twirl and dip?  it's big fun to slip bell into her dance dresses, curl her hair and giggle as we attempt to add some eyeliner (the directions said to apply to the crease of the eyelid --- these directions weren't written for mother's with chinese daughters -- there is no crease)! though that's kind of exciting once a year at recital time, i have to tell you, there's no need for all the sparkly trappings to see bella's joy as she dances.  it's all over her face whether she's spinning on the stage, in the classroom or across the dirty floor of my kitchen.  she dances with joy.

this weekend, bella took part in a large recital.  she and her best pal, emme rouse, have been in classes at the prairie school of dance every thursday. though sometimes getting to class each week is hard for their busy mamas (am i right, diana rouse)?  the girls never want to miss.  they always want to go.  they blow into class each thursday afternoon like two tiny chinese hurricanes. some days we remember ballet shoes and hair buns and some days we barely make it in time with bare feet and messy ponytails.  it doesn't matter.  it doesn't matter one bit how clean they are after quick lunches in the car.  it doesn't matter how tired they are from a lack of nap.  it doesn't matter how cold or wet or wild the weather ...or even how crabby the mommy.  when they enter that classroom they are ALL IN.  there's no hesitation.  no glance back over the shoulder.  no timid turn of the head. nope! they grab hands and push themselves past miss carrie waiting for them at the door. they love to dance.  they dance in puddles of joy, these two.  and when i watch, i find myself dripping wet with the splashes of their liquid love.  it's transformation for them and it's transformation for us.

just before we went to get bella (2 years ago next month)! we were sent this picture of her on the playground at her orphanage.  i have to tell you, i cried over this photo.  yes, i was thankful to finally see her sweet face (we had received very little while we were waiting for her), but this picture kind of broke my heart.  that look in her eyes seemed so detached, so void of childhood, so absent of joy.  i know (now) how easy it is to get bella to smile for the camera, couldn't they have coaxed even a tiny grin out of her? at least for her mama waiting across the ocean?  she seemed so sad.  i probably was reading waaaaay too much into it, but i can tell you, it made me want to highjack the nearest plane and head for china right then and there! this little girl clearly needed to be tickled on her belly and swung high in the air. she needed brothers to piggy back her around the backyard and big sisters to paint her nails and sing songs with.  this little girl, like every little girl and boy, needed a mama and a daddy to squeeze her tight and tuck her into her bed with a thousand "we love you's" each night.

transformation

because that's what happens when we love children well. when they are brought home and held close to the heart.  through our adoption of bella, we've met so, so many kids now with their forever families.  even those children with things like spina bifida and other more obvious special needs, seem to dance in joy.  what is it exactly?  i'll never quite know, but i don't think it's got much to do with us. i am just humbled to be a part of it.  humbled to watch my little girl dance wherever she is.  

when bella and emme were finished with their dance on stage sunday, i was walking them back to their seats in the auditorium.  as we were wiggling our way through the audience, people were giving the girls high-fives, huge smiles, little pats and way to go's!  who isn't a fan of child who dances with joy? 

i adore this photo of emme!  that look!  oh my...talk about JOY!

 bella was clearly caught up in the moment -- 

notice the other ballerinas already up on their feet!

 brothers to piggy back and sisters to paint nails...lots of joy found in these five! 

(by the way, connor's not really angry -- he just didn't like the sun in his eyes).  =)

sweet and so proud...

my favorite shot of the weekend was at the dress rehearsal on saturday.  the mom's had to be back stage for a few minutes helping get the girls situated before their dance.

i caught bella in this sweet moment...

waiting in the wings...

waiting to dance.

and of course you know what i'm going to say next...
this picture only reminds us that in our world today, there are over 200 million other children waiting.

waiting for a chance to dance in joy.

"let them praise His name with dancing..."      ~ psalm 149:3

one little lamb

it's raining in minnesota tonight.  that's so odd.  how can a january day in minnesota be warm enough for rain? but it is.  and i sit and listen to the soft rat a tat tat of raindrops hitting windows.  i hear it  along the chimney brick -- a bare whisper joining the cacophonous sounds of busy children around our house.  couch time and cartoons down the hallway for a tired ballerina...puppy barking playful in the kitchen...music from my almost-teen daughter's bedroom.  the pantry door opens. closes. opens again.  and this is our thursday afternoon.  and i only want to bundle it all up in my arms and hold it tight.  i want to push pause. i want to sit in the sound of raindrops... and feel the mix of my tears.

i've just come from hugging my friend diana in the parking lot.  she has been in contact with mary today.  we all know ivy isn't doing well. they made it to boston last night, they've made it through so much already.  but there's more.  we all know that, too. much more. please go on to mary's blog (click here) to read her latest update.  only a couple of hours or so ago, she wrote.  her words are amazing.  inspiring. incredibly beautiful...and raw. so raw.

i have been pondering all week why ivy's story has hit so close to home.  yes, my sweet friend, diana, is wrapped up in this as one of mary's very dearest friends...but there's more.  perhaps it's that mary is walking the story that we were warned of three years ago when trying to decide on bella's file in the summer of 2009.  i'll never forget the cardiologist who reviewed bella's information for us.  we talked long distance on a sunny, hot july day in georgia and she told me, "jody, i cannot recommend you pursue this little girl...her condition is too serious. there's too much risk.  you have no idea. there's a likely chance you'll bring her home, only to lose her.  you could potentially have surgery after surgery with this child.  you have other, healthy children...think of how this could effect them. think of your other children, jody.  do you really want to put your family through this?"  i assure you, she did not relay these words in a cold, collected, sterile manner.  no, this professional...this medically astute doctor...this woman's words were tearful. emotional. full of great empathy. but still, at the end of the day, she recommended we decline bella's file.

i am so glad we didn't do what the doctor ordered that day. (understatement of the year).

somehow, even against the advice of medical professionals, we went on to follow our heart... to listen to God's voice.  not because we were that strong, but perhaps, more so,  because we were that naive...we were that medically in the dark...and perhaps a tad bit stubborn. i, specifically, never like to be told "no."  i am not sure how it all happened, but, we pursued bella...and you know the rest of the story.

but there was a time when we were very concerned our first year with bella might look like what the sammon's family has gone through with ivy this year.  it woke me up at night throughout that time of waiting.   i had people question us.  wonder about us.  we had friends go to great lengths to raise money because we were all certain her medical bills would be staggering. and, if you were reading along back then, you might remember me saying this:  "i am not the most medically equipped mother, i am a woman who struggles with bandaids and tylenol."  i didn't have the skill set needed for a serious heart baby --  heck, i don't have the skill set needed for a scraped knee! i assure you.  but God let us know in the way He let's us know...that it didn't matter.  I will equip those whom I call.  that is what we heard over and over again.  we didn't have to be perfect parents or professional-anythings...we just had to be willing.

i write this tonight so burdened, because i am sure that is what mary would want you to know as well.  read her blog.  that is exactly what she says.  YES this has been HARD.  incredibly hard...incredibly tiring...incredibly challenging.  but she wouldn't change it.  YES she wants to change what is going on tonight with ivy...but she wouldn't change saying YES to ivy. not ever.  this amazing mama has fought -- and is fighting -- a brilliant battle for her tiny girl.  no, it hasn't been easy, but it's been good.  that's where we go wrong in our thinking...that easy must = good.  if there's one message i have wanted to hammer hard into my blog writing over these years, it is this:  don't believe the world's lie that for something to be good it must also be easy. convenient.  comfortable. safe. sensible.

"the struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. it makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike. it teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."  ~ helen keller

i won't pretend to compare what we've been through with what the sammons family is going through.  but we know this a little.  we've shared those lessons here in this blog...and we know, without a doubt, there will be more lessons to learn. (sigh).

but here's the deal, when we can come to that place of acceptance, it changes everything about how we live. that's what i want for my family...for my children.  we didn't pursue bella for the drama, but for the difference we'd make in her life and the difference she'd make in our lives. we did it out of obedience to what God's word says.  there is no gray area here. "pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." (james 1:27).  we are called to do something.  SOMETHING.  there just weren't enough reasons to say no. a medical diagnosis wasn't enough. a lack of finances or time or bedrooms...those aren't reasons enough. those of you who have adopted special needs children, you understand.  sure, we got the extra blessing of bella surprising us all and being in better health than we could have even hoped.  the incredible surgery performed on her in china was bold and brilliant. it was life saving and life sustaining.   oh, how i thank my heavenly father every single day for what He orchestrated in her heart in 2009.  three years later, and it still takes my breath away to consider His mercy on my girl.

what mary sammons and her family have done for ivy is exactly what Jesus has done for us.  they went for one child. just one. one little girl who had nothing to bring,  nothing obvious to offer.  but they loved her completely and unconditionally.   just as Jesus considers us, just as He loves us -- completely and unconditionally. we come to Him as empty handed orphans, but He wants us so much, He is willing to leave the ninety-nine and go after His one lost sheep. that is the picture of adoption.  that is the picture of our adoption in Christ. not abandoned, but pursued. wanted. chosen. even chased.

"then Jesus told them this parable: “suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? and when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘rejoice with me; i have found my lost sheep.' i tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."  ~ luke 15


he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home...
he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home...
he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home...

joyfully.

when we began our adoption of bella, we heard from several people who said things like, "but there are millions of orphans..."  um.. yeah? as if that was reason to not adopt. the crisis is so huge, that we do nothing? just because there are over 150 million orphaned children in this world, we are to do nothing? really?  is that what we truly believe?  NO!  you do what you can.  you listen to what God places on your heart...and you follow THAT, not what the bank account tells you isn't possible or what the doctors tell you isn't a good risk...

i love the words of mother teresa, "if you can't feed a hundred people, than feed just one." that's it.  just one. one. one.  okay, well, maybe two or three or ten...but we start with one.

ivy joy is so sick.  we don't know what her future holds.  none of us have that answer right now.  but we all are absolutely certain that ivy joy has felt the love and the embrace of a tender mother and father's arms. and no matter what, that is worth every bit of this journey, no matter how hard the struggle.

we don't love our children because they are a good investment or because we deem them a good risk...we love them because that's what we are called to do.  love them.  one by one by one by one.

one little lamb at a time.

"he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home..."

the holidays on hold

diana's christmas tree had fallen over twice the night before.  jen's husband was back in louisiana watching their five children and busily wrapping the front columns of their home with red ribbon (think candy cane effect).  paige's husband was also at home in memphis.  paige and hank have six children - need i say more.  and we mcnatts, well, we were supposed to be getting the house ready to entertain a group of 80 + guests this coming week and i had a "joseph" costume to finish for connor by monday morning.

but the holidays were on hold --  at least for this weekend.

instead of attending to the christmas and chaos back at our homes, the four of us were holed up and nestled down in a minnesota log cabin  -- WAY up north!  twenty children total between us and we were, at least for this weekend, unfathomably and gloriously ALONE.  four blogging mamas, our laptops, a little chick food, some wine and a whole lot of chit chat.  but not a soul to be found under the age of 40.  no kids. no husbands. no christmas. no concerns.

i have to tell you a little bit about the story because it's rather remarkable.  it speaks to the powerful connection of women.  it speaks to the even more powerful connection of those who adopt. and it speaks to the most powerful connection of those who believe in Jesus.

i've already mentioned we have 20 children between us, and 8 of them have been adopted from china.  do you think we had some things to talk about or do you think we had some things to talk about?  at one point, diana's husband, jeff, texted (around midnight) and asked if we had run out of things to discuss.  "nope!" it was well after 1:30 am when we finally dragged our silly, sleepy selves to bed.  we had covered every topic from our photography to our frustrations...from our blogposts to our blond highlights. the girls had even helped me redesign the header to my blog (pretty nice, huh?) it is a true friend who will sit at her computer (post-midnight) adding shades of saphire blue to the jeans of your children's photo. from the moment we had arrived until the moment the girls got back on their airplanes, we never stopped talking.  we hardly took time to breath.

but here's what's truly unique:  none of us had grown up together.  there were no sorority sisters or college roommates in the group.  only diana and i live in the same city -- and that's been just recent.  jen's from louisiana.  paige from tennessee.  and diana from minneapolis.  these three girls have never lived in the same city, same state or same anything.  but they connected years ago via their blogs and through the world of adoption.  diana has three darling girls from china.  paige and jen both have two cuties a piece from china.  i was sort of the new, tag along friend this weekend.  the friend who got to come because diana and i have become great pals since my move to minnesota and she wanted to introduce me to her long distance buddies.

seriously though...you would have thought these women had played hop scotch as kids...you would have been sure these girls had once shared teenage secrets, favorite sweaters, wedding days and baby showers.

but no.  that's not the case.  God did, though, knit them together through their journeys to china.  that's how they found each other -- blogging!  blogging about their adoption journeys.   it's been God and their love for children which has grown the deep seed of their friendship.  incredible. and incredibly deep.

i was the lucky one. the one who got to come along for the ride.  the one who was warmly welcomed into this terrific trio.  i got to hear their stories.  the stories of how they had gone to china...how they brought home their different children...how they were dealing with the special needs of their girls today.  amazing stories.  God stories. beautiful stories.  i was so inspired to hear from these three women.  sacrifice, perseverance and passion course through their veins.  they are normal and nice and super cute -- but, most of all, they have huge hearts for the children of china.  all three of them had biological children, but went to china ANYWAY.  they went to china and brought home kids with issues which i hadn't heard of and cannot even pronounce. but these kids are living perfectly average and incredibly beautiful lives.  and these mothers fight for their kids daily.  surgery isn't an odd word.  specialists aren't out of their realm.   they are completely normal (whatever THAT is) families who mess and bicker and text and tease.  but they are families who had some room under their roofs and even more room deep in their hearts.

even the sparrow friends...it's my pleasure to introduce you to diana, jen and paige!

diana's blog: http://1diamond1ruby1pearl.blogspot.com/
jen's blog:  http://baseballstobows.blogspot.com/
paige's blog: http://paige-foriknowtheplansihaveforyou.blogspot.com/

"I wanted to take a minute to share with you why we are adopting. We are NOT adopting as a way to add more children to our family. We are NOT adopting because this is a nice thing to do or because we are good people. Our choice to take in orphans is motivated by something much deeper... 

Deep down in our hearts and souls it has resonated in us that by His Son’s death, God has in fact freely adopted us - disobedient rebels who once didn’t even care to give Him the time of day, let alone regard His majesty and power. (Romans 5:6-11). He told us that we are loved, and proved it when He gave us the right to be called His children. How then could we possibly look the other way when he asks us to offer a teeny tiny glimmer of that same redemption to an orphan? Once you fully realize what Jesus has done for you, how kind God has been to you, how amazing His love is for you, you can’t help but respond. It changes the way you think and the way you live. We have put our faith in Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and we are urged by our King to not neglect the deep needs of the people around us – whether that is across the oceans or a few doors down in our neighborhood. We are willing to roll up our sleeves and walk into people’s messy situations and people’s messy lives. Because that’s what Jesus did for us. He intervened in our broken lives and changed our course. He extended love to us when we weren’t looking for it and didn’t deserve it. Adoption is simply our family’s response in offering just a tiny glimpse of the same grace and mercy that was extended to us. Jesus, because you DIED for me, now I will LIVE my life for you. I’m all in."  
~ beautifully said by Janel Sullivan -- another mother who adopts...

fabulous find on the way home from "up north!"

p.s. you might have noticed my font size is now a bit larger.  this was another thing we addressed this weekend.  apparently the font wasn't working so well for the over forty crowd! lol.  thanks girls.

these three girls...free

the 4th of july ... and i really wish y'all could have seen these three last night  -- three 4 year olds wildly enjoying the red, white and blue. 

pony rides and jumpy things and silly dancing --- and of course the fireworks! 

bella jumped up and down at every colorful explosion in the sky, "ooh, i love that one...i love that color... my favorite color is purple (or red or green or orange or pink)."  

at one point, maggie leaned back into meritt and said, "i've never seen this before, mama." 

and she hasn't

this was her first july 4th home. same with her sister, mary henley. bella was the veteran last night, this being her second.

before leaving for the club yesterday, i explained to bella what we were celebrating. when i told her it was a big birthday party for our country, she enthusiastically exclaimed, (you know she did) "oh, i loooooove birthday parties, mom!" i think she kind of got it. 

boy, do these girls love a birthday party. heck, they love any party. 

and for them last night was no different, but for me it was.  

for me to see them together at the birthday celebration of our country was incredibly special. the freedom we celebrate in our beloved USA is the same freedom which brought these precious little girls home. and it is the same freedom which has allowed them to be accepted into this great country. it will be the same freedom which will make sure they have opportunities and dreams and a chance ...

and most importantly, it is the same freedom which will provide the link to learn about Jesus and the perfect freedom which is found in knowing Him.

 "for freedom Christ has set us free..." ~ galatians 5:1

these are girls, who, not too many months ago, were orphans in a place with few freedoms; girls, who were each abandoned because they were born in a country which sends the message that special needs children and females aren't valued; these girls. 

but last night these girls -- these beautiful girls -- danced on green grass, ate cotton candy and oohed and aahed over the brilliant display above them.  these three girls celebrated the birthday of a wonderful country which allows them to be accepted, valued, loved and, most of all, free. there are no sparklers or sky rockets bright and big enough to compare to the brilliance of that birthday gift. 

God bless america.