praise for His plan : 15 days

a couple of days ago, i shared with you a piece of the heartache we've felt since learning we wouldn't qualify to adopt lu. and let me just say how encouraged i was by your comments and messages. thank you!

many of you wrote and told me your own "no" stories.  you also told me about how many of these "no's" became a different kind of "yes!"

several of you reminded me of how God works behind the scenes; planning, shaping, preparing and purposing us in ways we can't even begin to imagine.

the verse we posted around our house and have been praying for lu is still the verse in this story. still the verse for her story ... for our story ... for your story, too!

"now to Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us ... to Him be the glory."  ~ ephesians 3:20

because God is God over all of our stories. no one is exempt from His authorship. some of us find freedom in that and some of us fight that. regardless of how we feel, there's no argument, He is most definitely doing the writing!

this morning, i woke prompted to turn this latest struggle into something positive. i've been sort of wallowing in the frustration and disappointment this month. maybe not on the outside so much, but, i know what's been brewing within. i can see how i've been holding close this "no" and tending to it with some self-pity and even a little bit of bitterness.

i also know when we choose to let these kinds of seeds take root, the end result is often something ugly.

and as i wake on this beautiful spring morning, i am encouraged to pull out the weeds within and ask God to shape even this into something new. something better. something more beautiful.

any of this resonate with you?
anyone else holding some kind of sad or frustrated or bitter seed too close?
anyone else unsure of God's plan or timing or direction?

if so, then i'd love to invite you to join me.
in the next 15 days i'm going to carve out an intentional path: giving God PRAISE for His PLAN.

as spring (finally) unfolds here in minnesota, i will post on my sparrow facebook page scripture and some spring pictures ... reminding us that God does, indeed, absolutely, 100% have a plan.

a plan, perfect and good.

i'm not sure how eloquent the words will be or how captivating the pictures. spring is limping along and we have a busy next two weeks at our house entering into those final days of school. and, as every mother knows, this is the month which rivals all other months for the crazy-busy-nutso title. in addition, we have three graduation ceremonies back to back. yep, all three daughters graduate from something: kindergarten, 8th grade and high school. and each of these milestones bring along a whole lot of "other stuff."

BUT FRIENDS ...

i've got to fit this in.
i just have to.
i must.
i have to take the time to praise Him for His plan.
i don't know about you, but i need that kind of healing.

and that's the desire and direction stirring in my heart this morning. sometimes, even when the calendar is packed and the days are full, we need to carve out a path in obedience.

i need y'all to keep me accountable.

hearing from many of you yesterday reminded me that we all face our disappointments and crushed dreams. we all have heard a "no" which didn't make sense. many of us have made plans only to see them  fall apart at our feet. we've held hopes which have slipped, like sand, through our fingers.

we all know what it feels like to be reeling down a road only to be detoured, diverted, dead-ended.

we all know what it feels like to wonder at the direction.

we all know what it feels like to be unsure of God's plan.

BUT this is exactly where our FAITH must dig deep.
and our MINDS must claim truth.
and our EYES must seek Him.
and our TRUST must hold tight.

it is with these crushed dreams and disappointments that we must come to His cross and surrender. (easier said than done).

and sometimes it requires a physical laying down of what we have been clutching so closely.

a bending back of stiff fingers and a turning up of resistant palms.

so that we can ...
             ask HIM for the next plan, the next step, the next morsel, the next minute ...

so that we can trust and obey.

that age-old hymn runs through my mind this morning ...
trust and obey
for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus
but to trust and obey.

so, 15 days of giving praise for His plan.  not in boredom (heavens no!), but in obedience, i will be posting what God's word says about His ways, His plans, His purpose and His perfect love.

need a reminder? then join me.

in these next two weeks we aren't going to figure out everything about God or what He's doing in each of our lives. but we are going to figure out (or at least be encouraged) how to give Him praise for who He is and what He's doing.

and that's the best way i know to weed out whatever it is which is growing bitter within.

because ...

it's not in knowing the plan, but in knowing the Planner.
it's not in knowing the direction, but in knowing the Director.
it's not in knowing the story, but in knowing the Author.

i'll be posting these next 15 days at:  eventhesparrow Facebook page ...
you can click on the above link and then LIKE the page for the daily posts.

starting tomorrow!

a study in black and white

decisions --- don't you wish they were as black and white as these woods?

the other night, i drove up my driveway which is flanked with this small, stark, winter forest and i wished for exactly that.
i wished for everything we have on our plates right now to be as clear as this colorless landscape -- black and white and easy to read.

i don't know what's wrong with me, but i've never been especially good at decisions. as a child, my mom would have told you that's because i wanted it all. i didn't know which slice of cake to choose because there was this little part of me which just basically wanted the entire cake -- the whole kit and caboodle!

i guess the problem is,  i'm still a whole cake kind of gal.

we don't exactly have cake, but we do have some pretty big decisions on the table right now ... and those big decisions break down into lots and lots of little decisions. and there are these little people (and not so little people) in our house staring at us and wondering what we're doing. wondering what we're going to do.

the options are good, but in need of some shape, structure, some direction. a clear design. a plan to read. a path to follow. a purpose to embrace.


"and your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “this is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." ~ isaiah 30:21

i want that isaiah kind of clarity. i want that clear word behind me. i want that audible voice which says WALK THIS WAY.

turn here.
take a left.
go right.
u turn ahead.
-- whatever!

is it so wrong to ask for road signs or an audible voice?

last summer, on a walk with the dog, i was heading out into these same woods when i actually did hear a voice behind me. but it was only my 10 year old calling out after me, "what's for dinner, mom?"

well, that's not exactly what i was looking for.
and, by the way, that question in our house is often a mystery, too!

but i look at this white snow and these dark trees and i wonder, why it has to be so hard ... so confusing ... so, NOT black and white. why can't God just send me a text or an email or even leave me a comment here on my blog and let me know what He wants. i guess what i really want is God to show up with his snow plow (like this wonderful, wonderful guy who takes care of our driveway) and plow me right through my deep confusion ... our deep decisions.

maybe you've been there?

maybe you are there?

maybe today you're looking out your window or looking at some woods with the same longing as me. maybe you, too, are asking God to not only show you His perfect plan, but to also make it really, really perfectly clear.

if that's your prayer today, then know, you have a friend who lives back a bit in some minnesota woods and is praying that same prayer with you today.

and take a walk with me not just in praying, but also in knowing and trusting that we have a God who isn't going to leave us lost in the woods or alone in our confusion.

He does have a design.
He does have a decision.
He does have a direction.

i believe in a God who works with a plan. He isn't haphazard or random. He isn't trying to string us along or confuse us in our conundrums.

He is a designer. a director. a creator. a conductor. an architect. an arranger. 

He is God.

and what's more ...
He is not surprised by any move we make. 

He is not surprised by any path we take.

and though i believe that with everything in me, i know He is allowing us to wrestle with some things which cause us to draw closer to Him. some things which make me not want to rely on the process of myself, but to rest on the plan of my Maker.

if this resonates with you in something small or something big, then join me today in trusting Him for the answers of tomorrow.

have a big decision ahead? a little bit in fear of the future? worried you might make a wrong move? 
meditate on the black and white truth of His word.

"trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." ~ proverbs 3:5-6

"for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." ~ jeremiah 29:11

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ philippians 4:6-7

"and this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will He hears us." ~ 1 john 5:14

"and your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “this is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." ~ isaiah 30:21

the truth about turtles

rarely do we get to see the full circle of something. 

i mean, i do see (often, in fact) the full circle of hungry children scrounging around in our pantry -- leaving the door wide open, leaving the light on, leaving the empty box out on the counter. i find the wrapper abandoned on coffee table and a sticky chunk of granola bar affixed to the couch cushion. sometimes, i even see some crumbs on the face. yes, i suppose the full circle of that is pretty commonplace. at least in this home.

but then there are other things. special things. rare things.

like the turtles which showed up on our driveway last week on wednesday. in the middle of a rainy evening.

baby snapping turtles. everywhere.

thirty, maybe forty. 

cute little guys.

 all of us tickled. delighted. curious. what were they doing here?

we slept that night with a turtle migration taking place just outside our front door. 

the next morning, we woke to find even more -- the party had grown.

clearly, they had hatched in our yard and were now heading for the creek. it's what baby turtles do.

a few months earlier -- june, i believe, i watched a big mama turtle amble into the flower bed outside our family room window. her massive body digging deep in the mulch -- laying her eggs. i snapped a quick picture on my phone to show the kids who were away at school. i knew she'd be gone by the time they came home. 

and though she soon traveled back to the creek on the edge of our yard, those eggs stayed all summer long. they stayed buried in a flower bed filled with black-eyed susans and purple coneflower -- at the corner of our house, just outside our window. growing. ripening. readying for the hatch-jubilee and triumphant turtle parade across our busy driveway. 

when the younger kids came home from school, it was all forces combined for the great turtle rescue event of 2013. teen girl, 10 year old boy and the five year old all working together to help these tiny turtles along. my youngest three children on a wildlife mission. one by one, each straggling turtle was carried to the creek bed. whether looking for a ride or not, they got one. it was a perfect, rainy day adventure. the creek was low, the mud was deep and the children determined.

later, with red cheeks and dirty everything, the threesome traipsed back into my kitchen telling stories of how they created a new home for the turtles -- "turtle cove." how they added branches and twigs and leaves. telling stories of how they worked together in the muck and played their part in this grand migratory moment.

when the oldest boy arrived home from soccer a couple of hours later, he too, threw on some creek boots and headed out into our version of the wilderness. he wanted to check things out. oversee the situation. approve. he's like that.

i found him awhile later on the driveway. soccer socks soaking.

boots muddy.

dog soaking too. muddy and in the middle of it all. ridiculously happy.

yes, that's a smile.

an event. a big mess. a wonderful taste of adventure. a slice of something extraordinary.

i watch my kids, and even myself, get all riled up at this kind of thing and it makes my mama-heart sing. i love the mess and the mud and the little bit of wednesday afternoon mayhem. it's unexpected and a tiny bit on the edge. it's different. it's almost like playing pretend. for them. for me.

because, the truth is, i like to be just a little bit on the edge of adventure. i like, now and then, to dip my toe in the water of something that feels just a wee bit wild.

but the truth {also} is ... i'm not sure i want to live there. stay there. camp out here.

i am pretty sure, this was fabulous for one wednesday afternoon ... but really wouldn't want to be dealing with the muddy mess everyday. and though it's fine for my kids, on occasion, to be handling baby snapping turtles on our suburban driveway, what if it's my kids wanting to someday wrestle alligators in the outback or move as missionaries to guatemala city or, even worse, head off with friends on a college road trip? do you know what i mean?

i don't mind the pretend risky living.

but how do i feel when it's a little more real?

because just like this mama turtle, i want to keep my kids in safe shells, nestled away somewhere nice. i want to control my level of adventure. and even more so, i want to control their level of adventure.

i like a little bit of drama ... a tiny bit of something ... as long as i'm the one running the show. as long as i get to pick out the props and set up the stage and dictate the script.

but what happens when we move from migratory turtles in the creek bed to something bigger? larger? wilder?

where am i in that kind of adventure?

when God says be bold, be brave, be outside your comfort zone ... what happens then?

because, we all know, sometimes he asks us to be someplace more than just on our driveway in wet soccer socks.

He has plans for us.

grand plans.

plans for adventure.

and like these tiny turtles bursting forth from their summer shells, i know my kids are all on the verge of bursting forth into a life filled with its share of wilderness ...

i won't be able to control it. and i might not even see the full circle of what it is. i'll get glimpses ... muddy footprints across my heart as i watch them explore, discover, travel, grow, expand, live.

because God didn't create us to stay safely nestled in nice shells or summer gardens ... He created us to head out into the unknown...to break free...to burst forth ... to be bold ... to become.

“remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. ~ isaiah 43:18-19

i know we're talking about turtles, not ships, but i have always loved this quote ... and think it applies!

"a ship in a harbour is safe, 

but that is not what ships are built for."

 ~ william shedd

plan c

friday june 10th.  this day already feels like a strange one.  it is one of those days which had all kinds of plans penciled in.   plans which have changed - more than once.  if you looked on my calendar it would tell you today i was supposed to board a plane for guatemala. this was Plan A.  emily and i were joining with a medical mission's team from our church.  we had both been wanting to go on this particular journey for quite some time.   but then cancer came along and i found myself in the middle of a different mission.  my son, tyler, took my place.  i was thrilled to know he could.  he will be a wonderful asset to this team.  he is a kid who can contribute beautifully.  and my mother-heart feels calmer knowing my kids will have each other in this land foreign and far.  they left this morning.  all suitcases and smiles and eager spirit.  i wanted to grab them both close.  i did the best i could to hold them tightly, considering my present condition.  it wasn't tight enough, however,  for this mama.  my tears came after the car doors closed.  i will miss them.  but it is only a week, and i am filled with the thrill of what this week holds.  my oldest children going to a place full with need.  my children with open hands and open hearts and open eyes.   i cannot wait to see what God will pour into all this openness.  for surely He will.   this was His plan all along.  these two young teens to travel without parent, but with great enthusiasm for the things of God.  i wanted to be there to drink in and dig deep and capture it all with them.   i wanted to work, side by side, with my tall girl.  i longed for the chance to pull guatemalan children onto my lap and sing songs and tell stories and hug tight and smile into their sweet, brown faces.   i wanted to help them find shoes in a bin for their bare feet and food on a plate for their hungry tummies and comfort in a touch for their little hearts.    i wanted to hold hands with women and pray while they waited for medicine or a meal or, maybe even,  a miracle.  oh, how i wanted.  but plans have changed and i am home, still in pajamas, although almost noon.   i cannot kneel before a guatemalan child, but i can kneel, this week, before my God.  and i will. that i can do.


underneath my crossed out guatemala trip you will find another appointment on this friday,  june 10th.  this appointment read's oncologist 9:15 am.   Plan B for today was my first meeting with the oncologist, dr. ballard.  we had serious plans to discuss my oncotype dx results.  my post surgery treatment:  medication.  chemotherapy.  the next step.  whatever.  but this appointment also has a line drawn through it.   though we were expecting the results from the oncotype test to be back yesterday,  that didn't happen.  we found out there was a delay and we will not have the information until next tuesday.  it made no sense to go to an appointment without the results.  we could only make guesses about the treatment plan.  so my appointment was also cancelled and rescheduled.  i found myself disappointed again.  it's crazy:  i want these results and yet,  i don't want them.  if you've been following along in my blog,  you know this score will help decide if chemotherapy is necessary.  i'd like to avoid that discussion altogether, but know i cannot.  i cannot duck out of this one and so with that i am at the point of just wanting to know.  regardless of result, i have to move on mentally.  the waiting has been hard.  we've cleared more than a few hurdles.  but in my mind, the largest one still looms out ahead.  and now i am facing another weekend of waiting.  why does everything seem to come back to that word:  waiting.  it may very well be the entire theme of this almost two year old blog.  is that it Lord?  is that what you really want me to get? is this the lesson i can't seem to grasp completely?  considering how i am feeling this morning, i suppose it is.  my life has been marked by impatience....maybe even scarred a bit by it.


so those were my plans.  from a medical mission's trip to a medical oncologist appointment.  those are a couple of the things which i thought might be happening on this summer day.  instead, my younger children are off at a park with our babysitter and i am in a strangely quiet house.  a few minutes ago my mother-in-law, marilyn,  left me a phone message.  her words were so kind.  she said she was thinking of me and praying for me because she knew today would be bittersweet.  she is right.  her words were encouraging because she understands the pain of other plans.  she understood how mixed up and out of sorts i might feel on this Plan C kind of day.   this day with no real plan. 


i fear this post sounds like a pity party.  i sure hope not.  it wasn't my intention. i am just rambling from my Plan C heart.  the day is beautiful.  the children are gone.  the house is quiet.  i have a book and some sunshine and every need met.  i have children flying across the sky, this very minute, rushing headlong into an experience which will soften their hearts and grow their character and weed out their wants.  i have other, smaller children, healthy and playing wildly in a park.   i have cancer, but i have treatment.  i have a day, and that, alone, is a gift.   i have an impatient heart, but i have a God who hasn't given up on me. and most of all, i have a God, and my God has a plan.  

"for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans
 to prosper you and not to harm you,
 plans to give you hope and a future." ~ jeremiah 29:11