sweet sixteen

i was informed recently that boys don't have sweet sixteens.

i beg to differ.

i mean i know all that stuff about girls being "sugar and spice and everything nice ..."  and boys being made of "frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails." i get that. i, too, am familiar with the old, 19th century nursery rhyme, and perhaps there's an argument here -- depends, i'm sure, on the day you ask me. because let's be clear, though i love my girls, the "sugar and spice and everything nice," thing doesn't always perfectly fit the females in our house either.

but this past weekend, our boy had a birthday. he turned 16. and i have to tell you, it was sweet.

his dad and i couldn't be more proud of him. i don't care if he's rough and tumble and even sometimes smells like fish, this boy is sweet. sinful, for sure, but he really does have a tender heart.

of course he has some ugly moments -- we all do. but on this weekend, we are celebrating one of God's richest gifts -- a child who is growing into a young man pursuing the things of Christ.

nothing, and i mean nothing --- not even a pair of super cute shoes -- brings me greater joy.

not when he gets an A on a test or scores a goal in his soccer game.

not even when he says "yes mam" or takes out the trash without being asked.

i love this kid's heart. it's something pretty special.

when Jesus lives there, the sweet fragrance of His love covers even the stinkiest kid ... even the boy with fish guts under his fingernails. that's what He's doing for tyler ... that's what He does for all of us when we invite Him in.

"walk in love, even as Christ also loved you, and gave himself up for us,

 an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling fragrance." ephesians 5:2

i have captured his quick 16 years of childhood in a a short (one song, i promise) video. honestly, though, i am just as excited to see what God's going to do with him, in him, and through him in these next 16 years.

happy sweet 16 ty! you are a blessing and we love you!

double digits and driving

he gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and a good night, mom all in about 3 seconds flat.  "i'll be up in minute to tuck you in, connor,"  i said with hands buried in the hot water of dinner dishes.  "no, it's okay, mom.  you don't have to come up.  i can put myself down."

tomorrow my boy turns 10.

it is his last night being 9 and i will tuck him into his bed whether he needs me to, or not.

i know he's no longer the baby.  he gave up that long standing status when bella came home a couple years ago,  but tell that to my mama's heart.  he's always been my little guy, but now he's growing inches each week and tomorrow will hit double digits.  that feels big for him.  that, perhaps, feels bigger for me as i watch this little guy grow right before my eyes.

and even though he was the youngest for so long, he isn't a typical youngest.  there's nothing about him that seems babied or coddled or helpless.  from the time he was tiny, he liked to pretend he was big; in charge, strong and independent; in the driver's seat -- literally, in the driver's seat. before he was barely walking, he loved nothing more than to climb into my car and sit behind the steering wheel.  he still does that. i think it is the place where he dreams best: behind the wheel.

he is a boy who drives things. and as he hits double digits this week, i have to wonder what does that mean for this little guy's future?  where will he go?  what will he do? driving typically takes you places -- that is, unless you're a little dude pretending.  on second thought, maybe it is exactly in our pretending that we travel the furthest.  there is this long road before him. waiting. wild and wonderful. terrible and terrific.  but as his mom, i am in no hurry for him to travel out on it.  i am in no hurry for this child to grow up any faster than he already is.  i wonder to myself, what will i do when he is no longer riding his bike in the driveway, through the yard, around the house, down the street?  someday he'll trade in that worn out bicycle for a car and that car will have wheels and an engine and will go places unseen from my kitchen window.  places which cannot hear my dinnertime call from the back door.  places which are beyond me.  places beyond.

my boy who drives things turns 10 tomorrow.

one of our family traditions is to take a special 10th birthday trip.  the older three had their adventures and this weekend connor will get his.  he and rick are heading up to northern minnesota for some father-son time.  when rick and connor began talking about what they would do for this trip, the only thing connor cared about was that it included (you guessed it) "driving something."  so off they will go this saturday to drive snow mobiles up north...i think there's talk of some dog-sledding as well.  not that we couldn't do that in our own backyard, mind you, but there's something special in going away. just a boy and his dad.  a few days ago he said to me, "i can't believe it's finally my turn, mom."  my answer:  "i can't believe it either."

yep, my boy turns 10 tomorrow.

 connor rides his bike everyday -- even in the snow.  

 he doesn't mind driving people places either!

 guess what he was going to do with this?  yep, drive it. 

the boy has owned more remote control things than i can count.

this particular purchase was the bribe needed to get him to stop sucking his thumb. 

it worked!

 connor can even pick his nose while driving -- the kid's got talent!

sometimes, a little help is a good thing, too. 

birthdays

i love celebrating the birthdays of our children.  i love everything about it.  especially the chance to highlight them for the day.  with five kids, it is hard to focus on any one child in the messy day to day.  not that our kids are lacking for anything.  i don't have to assure you, they get plenty of attention, recognition and love.  BUT they also have to fit into the fabric of five.  all too often, i am aware of how we don't listen or stop or celebrate when we are in the hurry of our busy living.  BUT ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS...i have to say, we do a pretty good job of CELEBRATING.  i'll never regret that.  i think we all love everything from the singing over birthday cake and candles to the receiving of gifts and good wishes.

yesterday was a birthday day in our house...and the coolest thing about february 5th is that we have TWO who share that day:  emily and bella, the oldest and youngest --  our two beautiful bookends!  God chose february 5th for both of them to be born.  WE ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT.  it's special, unique, and a part of me even considers it rather efficient.  (yes, i just wrote that).

yesterday emily turned 17 and bella, 5.  i find both milestones hard to believe.  on the kids' birthdays i like to think about the day they were born.  for the kids, birthdays are about being queen or king for the day... opening up cool gifts...eating some cake...having a special dinner...that kind of thing.  but for us mamas, birthdays mean something more.  we might use this day to stop and remember the unique moments of that day of birth years ago.  these moments would be some of the greatest in my life. with each child, i found the whole birth thing incredible. extraordinary. amazing. completely God-filled. (okay... and i suppose, a tad painful).

but each year on this day,  i am also drawn to thoughts about bella's birth mother.  i am sure this woman, wherever she is in china, thinks about the little girl she gave birth to five years ago. some of you know that bella's biological parents cared for her for about five months. when they did choose to leave her it was out of desperation. they realized bella was very sick and they had no resources to care for their baby girl.  we know this because they attached to her blanket a note of explanation. this note is an absolute treasure and one we will, someday, share with bella. and from this note, i have no doubt, they loved her greatly and only wanted what was best for her.  i'll attach the link of our guide, simon, reading it out loud to us when he found it in her file.


(by the way, in order to listen to a video on my blog...first scroll down to the very bottom of my blog and "pause" the song playlist).

so i can't help but think of bella's parents on this day.  these people who in their note wrote, "we are not willing to see her stay in pain...we had to abandon her...it's hard to tell how painful i (we) are." i am sure these people who grieved over the leaving of their baby girl...these people remember february 5th.  i am sure they wonder about where she is and how she is and who she is. as a mother, i can't imagine not knowing where one of my children is on her birthday.  i just cannot fathom what that might be like. heck, i remember being sad when emily had to go to kindergarten on her birthday.  i wanted her home with me on that special day!  over the years since bella came home, i have so wished that her biological parents could know how well she is doing.  how happy, how healthy, how whole her life is. i wish they could know how much we treasure and love our bella.  and who knows...maybe someday in God's grand design that would be possible.  one never knows.  what i do know, is that God has given us two incredibly special gifts on this same day, february 5th. they may have arrived in different ways...but our love for them is the same -- deep and dear.

 * * * * *

my birthday girls.  
oldest and youngest.  treasured daughters.  divinely designed.  princesses of the one true King.  cherished.  loved.  adored.  chosen.  blessings.

okay...check back tomorrow for a post on bella's ballerina birthday party!  no time to write more today, but i promise to post some pictures from that special day.  

a princess heart

three daughters.  some days that feels like a lot.  three girls. make up and hair bows and ballet flats everywhere.  three girls ranging from awfully small to rather tall...and all ours.  and just this past weekend 2 of them with birthdays.  i wish you could hear bella tell you herself, she is four and she is bigger and she is proud.  there must be a notable difference between 3 and 4 ...at least in bella's mind it is vast.  and the oldest, emily, 16 now.  a sweet sixteen surprise party and a driver's license all in the same week.  what are we to do? how did all this happen? i look at her --look up to her these days -- and am left feeling a little wild.  wild-eyed and amazed.  amazed at the young woman she is becoming.  has become.  she'll hate that i wrote that, but that's okay, because this mother is absolutely, undeniably and irretrievably amazed.  it was, i swear, only yesterday when she was starting kindergarten, learning to ride a bike, snuggling on my lap, blowing bubbles, sounding out her words and scraping up her knees. she, all big brown eyes and a thick mop of dark hair and small.  so small. where has that smallness gone? 


it is hard not to feel the weight of mothering three females.  i count it a privilege, a gift, a treasure, a tremendous ride. i wouldn't trade this title or task for anything---they know that,  you probably know that too.  but oh my, there are days.  oh yes, there are days.  if you are parent to a girl, you know exactly of what i write.  you know the battle for their beautiful hearts...you know the tremor of their tears and the passion in the possibilities.  you know the high heights and the low lows.  oh, you know the frightening sweetness of it all.

we celebrated this past weekend with a princess party for bella.  bella's ball.  one prince and several princesses were in attendance twirling with a small girl turning four.  it was complete with pink carpet, tiaras and some dancing.  a royal celebration to be sure.  and right in the middle of it all, right in the middle of the chaos and cake and crafts, i remembered a post i had written years ago....a post about bella before she was ours, before we had even met her.  december 22, 2009 " a princess on the other side of the world" (millions of words ago in this blog)...it was the christmas after we had begun her adoption.  we were only a few months into the journey and several close friends threw a party in bella's honor.  it was one of the loveliest things i have ever attended and it was all for her, a girl on the other side of the world, with absolutely no idea she was the honored guest of that evening.  the party provided a chance for rick and i to tell her story and to celebrate what God was weaving together in our family.  i was so overwhelmed with the beauty and hope of that night i came home and wrote about the princess on the other side of the world.  the one we hadn't yet met.   the one for whom we would someday throw a ball.  and we did.  just this past weekend, in fact.  life happens like that.  one day a dream and the next day a checklist of details and decisions. i can hardly keep up.



something else struck me this weekend in the midst of all this girl celebration.  in the midst of all this princess-y stuff i started thinking about how we desire to raise our girls as daughters of the King.  i tell my girls, each one, emily, sarah and bella:  you are a princess...a daughter of the Living King.   i want them to believe that... to embrace it.  but in this skewed and screwed up world, this is not always an easy message to teach.   as a mother, i battle the "it's all about me" attitude and the "take care of number one"  talk coming from every direction.  that is not what i want my daughters to embrace.   not just because it is ugly and worldly, but because it is not the real princess way.  in fact, it is exactly opposite of a true princess.


a real princess is regal and righteous and respected, but the goal is not self-focused, as it sometimes seems.  instead a true princess is surrender-focused...servant-focused.  oh, what a battle we fight! everything of this world seems to shout messages of entitlement and self-centered living.  i am not sure i was fully prepared for the bombardment and battle around raising girls.  it makes a mother want to scoop up her females and head for high land...or for some pure and simple country living.  i've even been tempted by deserted islands and remote, non-english speaking villages. however,  those aren't options at this point,  but staying on my knees is.  staying on my knees and staying in His Word, that is where i find the weapons and words necessary to fight for my girls' hearts.  when the whole world demands, "me first!"  Jesus is quietly and clearly speaking of a different way: "the last shall be first, and the first shall be last."  ~ matthew 20:16  could that message be more opposite to the words of the world? though Jesus came as King and Ruler, He modeled perfectly the Servant-King.  "for even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."  ~ mark 10:4.


Jesus came with every right to a crown and a palace and some jewels, but had none of it. demanded none of it.  needed none of it.  it is easy for us girls to get misguided about the things we think which give us our worth.  (boys and men, you are by no means exempt, i just happen to be speaking to the females here).  our true worth, however, comes not from our possessions, but from our position. it comes from being sons and daughters of the Living King.  psalm 45 explains,  "listen, o daughter, consider and give ear:...the King is enthralled with your beauty...all glorious is the princess within her chamber."  God is enthralled with us.  we don't have to fight for our rights or demand our desires.  He, as Ruler and King and Sovereign Father, has given us our worth and deemed us all glorious...and He, by His example, has shown us the glorious way of real royalty...the one who surrenders...the one who chooses to serve.  the one with a princess heart.

every birthday grace

another birthday has come and gone.  it was not  supposed to be a momentous one, nor a milestone.  i imagine anything past 40 is, at best, only tolerable.  i certainly wasn't giddy like when turning 13 or 16 or 21.  i don't feel like i did at 30.  not even like i did at 40.  i'm not sure exactly what 43 is supposed to feel like.  43 just seems to be 43.  not much to talk about,  except that i think this year it is different. i think, from this year forward,  any and every birthday must count more.   i am just not sure i can ever again take one for granted.  i am not sure i can only tolerate the coming and going of this day.  not after my past year.  this year, i have to believe, has taught me to treasure things.  to treasure each birthday -- to treasure each day.  i'll be honest,  that doesn't always happen -- not even with cancer under my belt.  i still live life some days forgetting it is a gift.  forgetting to give thanks.  forgetting to marvel at the miracle of mere breathing.  like an old testament israelite, i am.  always forgetting. always forgetful. too often flippant and frivolous and foolish.


a year ago i turned 42, and i'm fairly certain at some point on that november day in 2010 i did a little wondering.  i wondered what the year ahead might bring.  i am kind of like that.  i don't mean i had deep, deep dramatic contemplation --  just simple, casual considering - wondering.  i can tell you this, i would never have guessed cancer.  there wasn't any room for it in our home, no room for it on the calendar.  but in my 42nd year, it arrived just the same.  ready or not here i come, it cackled in my ear.  i found out immediately that 42 was pretty young in the cancer arena.  my age wasn't a plus factor. it wasn't something to brag about.  the younger a person is when getting this ugly awfulness, the more agressive it tends to be -- the more serious the situation.  not that we are any more prepared for cancer after our 65th birthday, but it seems at least a little more in line with the body's natural decline.  but at 42 there is a whole lot of life ahead..a few extra decades of good health needed.  at 42 it seemed appalling.  at 42 i still had a bunch of kids at my breakfast table every morning.  not one of them ready to head out on their own.  not one of them close to independence.  i mean, sure most of them are able to handle their own homework assignments and lunch box packing and bed making.  they can find their own shoes and socks and toothbrushes -- even bella!  i've always kind of prided myself on raising capable kids.  even though i am a stay-at-home mom, i am careful not to cater.  but the bottom line was~is, they needed me.  they need me.  they need me to keep having birthdays.


i sit in the oncologist office every few months now, and notice how young i am.  i guess i should probably try to turn that into something good -- glory in it a bit. let my ego be fed by being the most spry...wearing the cutest shoes...having the longest hair...dialing the coolest phone.  but so far that hasn't exactly worked.  when i walk through the cancer building and into the oncologist office it feels like a place of the old, the sick, the disappearing.  it is contemporary in design: lots of glass and chrome and great lighting.  big windows.  everything clean and pleasing and sharp.  but i haven't walked through its great lobby without sensing decay.  there is a certain hush to its hallways. is this too morbid to write?  perhaps. but it's true.


in those first weeks of my diagnosis, i had some pretty fearful thoughts about my future...about the birthdays i'd see...or miss.  initially, i didn't know much about my prognosis.  all i knew is i was seriously scared.  i'd wake in the middle of the night begging God to make my body healthy again.  begging Him to allow me to continue as wife and mother and me. healthy and whole.  i promised all kinds of things --even crazy things-- if He'd guarantee that i'd someday see my children graduate from college and get married and have babies and be happy.


one afternoon early in the diagnosis, a few friends gathered together to pray.  one of those friends was beverly.  beverly was diagnosed with breast cancer the month before me.  here we were two women, both with breast cancer, surrounded by a group of friends in the family room of bev's home..all of us on our knees before our God. praying. pleading. petitioning.  when it came beverly's time to pray, she literally choked out her words.  "Lord, let jody and i be around to see and know our grandchildren....to hold them."  i hadn't ever thought much about my grandchildren before this.  (let's be clear, i am in absolutely no rush).  but the words of her prayer seared themselves into the tender places of my heart.  yes, that is exactly what i wanted.  to grow old. to grow grey.  to hold the children of my children.  the blessing of it all seemed suddenly so enormous and wonderful and precious. incredibly precious.   i didn't want to be thinner or faster or richer...i just wanted to be around to (someday) hold my grand babies.    there was no guarantee.  there never is.  cancer or no cancer,  not one of us knows what the future holds.  not one of us truly knows if we'll be around for the party or pain or plans of the future.   "we are all terminal, just some of us happen to know it."  i don't know who actually said that, but a friend shared it with me not too long ago.  i had to laugh.  it is true.  like it or not, it is truth.


"show me, o Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life.  You have made my days a mere handbreath; the span of my years is nothing before you. each man's life is but a breath."   (psalm 39:4-5).  


really?  do we truly want to know "how fleeting is my life?"  i have always wondered about that verse.  i would have told you, "no!"  no, i don't want to know how fleeting.  i kind of liked my numb, busy, hustle and bustle.  i was really comfortable in my kind bubble of happily ever after.  i didn't think much about it -- that is before cancer.   but in this psalm, david doesn't just stumble across the information, he asks God for it.  he asks God to tell him how fleeting is his life.  is it possible david knows if he got it...if we get it...it might actually mean something.  if we truly, truly know our days are a mere handbreath  might we make something of them.  make them count.  now.  today.  would we live this day different if we knew tomorrow might not be ours?  would we be kinder, slower, softer?  would we hold more and harp less.  would we give more and grumble less?  might we sit longer, sing louder, love harder? might we?


a few weeks ago my friend, kelly, asked if she could plan a birthday luncheon for me.  her words were, "we have so much to celebrate this year."  she sent an invitation and gathered some girlfriends together and we met today at a place called grace.  my favorite place.  and we celebrated another year.  some might look at my last six months and ask how i could possibly celebrate all of that awfulness.  i would tell them,  i have more to celebrate today, more than ever before.  walking through these past painful months has shown me, in abundance, how much there is to celebrate.  so many of these women sitting around the table today have had their own challenges this year.  a couple of us have battled cancer, some of us have battled kids, anxiety, depression, fear, finances, failures...that is only the short list. but at the end of it all is grace.  grace to face another day.  grace to get another birthday. grace.   there's this old hymn which i sang as a young girl and still sing as an aging woman.  it means so much more now.

grace, grace, God’s grace,

                                       grace that will pardon and cleanse within;

grace, grace, God’s grace

 grace that is greater than all our sin.

                      ~ grace that is greater than sin

pictures from our lunch today.  do you see the window behind the table?  
where true grace is truly found...for all of us.

happy birthday!

dearest bella,  today you turned three.  it was a special day.  it was your day.  three years ago  you entered the world.  you were born to a woman in a land far away.  in a small village?  in a big city?  in the tiny backroom of a house?  or behind the sterile curtain of a hospital?  i have no way of knowing. i wasn't there.  i didn't hear your first cry.  i never gazed into your newborn eyes. i wasn't there.  but i can imagine.  and bella, my darling girl,  i am here now.  i am here always.  i wasn't there for your arrival, but i am here for your journey and i will never stop telling you there was no mistake in it.  God planned you from before time.  God wrote the story of your birth, your abandonment, your adoption and your life with us.  He didn't leave out one detail.  He didn't mess up any part.  it is the story He composed for you before you were even you.   and we celebrate it today.  we celebrate the beauty and the goodness and grace that God has bestowed so richly on you...on us.  we celebrate the block towers you build, the pages you color and the juice you spill.  we celebrate the bubbles you blow and the babydolls you carry and even the tantrums you throw. we celebrate the tight hugs you give, the sloppy kisses you offer and the way you reach for our hands to hold.  we celebrate the light in your eyes and the joy in your step and the sound of your laugh.   we celebrate you bella.  this is your day.

funny thing though...it is not entirely your own day.  because like any fifth child in a big family, as special as you are, you are, indeed, one of many.  and you must learn to share.  you must learn to share even your birthday.  how funny it is to me that you and your oldest sister have the same birthday.  i think that is perfect.   i am not saying it has been perfectly easy to plan.  celebrating a 15 year old and and a 3 year old on the same day has required a little creativity.  but nonetheless, it has been a day large with celebration.    both of you girls are such lovely gifts.  emily's birth 15 years ago marked the beginning of our journey into parenthood.  i could never have guessed what these 15 years would hold:  three more births and your adoption...and here you all are!  some days i am breathless with it all.  some days i am overwhelmed with it all...but every day i am thankful.  so thankful.  i know that with each of your arrivals has come both great responsibility and great blessing.   my mother's prayer is to be fully aware and fully faithful to both.

so today we celebrate.  we celebrate our two dark eyed beauties...our teen and our toddler....our first and our last (?).  we celebrate the gift of life and the giver of life and you two joyful livers of life.  we celebrate your births - as different as they were.  we celebrate your lives.  happy birthday emily and bella!

february fifth...

we have this special birthday plate in our house. i made it many years ago for the kids.  the birthday child eats breakfast, lunch and dinner from this handpainted plate. it is quite unremarkable, but the children were all very excited about it when they were younger.  my oldest, emily, turns 14 tomorrow.  i am not sure it holds for her quite the same allure as it once did.  in fact, i am not sure she will eat even one of the three meals at our table tomorrow.  breakfast will most likely be a protein bar on the way out the door. the ritzy school cafeteria will host her birthday lunch.  and i am certain she will opt to eat dinner with the basketball team after her big playoff game.  the birthday plate will sit in its cupboard unattended this year.
there is hope for this ceramic tradition though.  tomorrow is also baby zuzu's birthday.  she turns two.  i am pretty sure she will be excited to eat from the mcnatt family birthday plate someday, but not this year. we thought we'd have her by now....but not yet.  we had dreams of pink party balloons and buttercream frosting.  we had visions of slipping her into a ruffled party dress and tiny buckled shoes.  what joy it will be introducing her to cheerfully wrapped gifts and a cake with her name in pale pink icing. but not this year.  there is much to do about birthdays in our home.  like most things in life, it is probably more about the anticipation than it is about the actual event.  this year for bella i imagine there was no one to build up her expectations or stir up her excitement.  no one to convince her, "this is your day!"   in an orphanage of hundreds of children, can she have her own day? i would think not.  she will wake tomorrow in a room with 35 or so children.  is anyone even aware that tomorrow she turns two?  i almost cannot bear writing that question just now.

last night i fell asleep thinking about the children who have turned two in our home.  emily.  tyler.  sarah elizabeth. connor.  i can remember (for the most part) their second birthdays. if i was honest, i'd have to tell you  things get a little fuzzy with the 3rd and 4th children.  but you get the idea.  they had 2nd birthdays.  they had parties. they had family to sing happy birthday and smother them with birthday kisses and wishes.  they ran in circles of wild delight.  probably not realizing much except that they belonged.  they were special.  they were loved.  it had little to do with the number of presents or party guests. it had much to do with the warmth and joy. they knew innately this was their day.  someday zuzu will dance in our arms and squeal in delight as she celebrates the day she was born. as she celebrates the day she was fearfully and wonderfully made. someday we will celebrate wildly with her.  someday we will sing happy birthday and we will serve her as much cake as any toddler can hold...on the birthday plate of course.

i think it is delightful having two daughters share the same birthday.  what an incredible thing.  i've heard a couple people remark about how that might be "tricky" or "hard"....i have to tell you there is nothing hard about it.  hard is having zuzu still in china on her birthday.  if my 14 year old has to share her day with a new sister at some point, that will only be good for her.  for us.  i gave up worrying about tricky long ago.  most things with a family our size are tricky.  i think it is beautiful that they share this date.  emily and zuzu are 12 years apart.  that is quite a gap.  when zuzu begins 1st grade, emily will begin college.  (i haven't told rick that quite yet).  perhaps this is one tiny added connection for these sisters. emily was zuzu's biggest advocate right from the start....before she new that they shared a birthday, in fact.  when we talked about the doctor's warning that she might not have a full, long or healthy life, emily was the first one to speak up and insist, "then that is all the more reason she needs to have a mom and a dad right now....even if it is only for a while....everyone deserves a mom and dad."  she put it in such simple terms.  rick and i could not begin to argue.  she was right.  it was all the more reason we needed to begin this journey.  emily has heard me tell that story several times this year, but i am not sure she is completely aware of the conviction behind her words.  children rarely know the depths they are capable of touching in their parents.  i suppose in some ways this is a good thing.

so tomorrow we will celebrate emily.  we will celebrate 14 years with a daughter who brings us incredible joy. we will celebrate a daughter we grow to love more each day.   but this celebration will be laced with some sense of the bittersweet.  though we cannot include bella in our birthday celebration today, we will celebrate because of her.  we will celebrate that God has placed our family on a journey toward her. there will come a day when she will be placed into our arms, just as our four other children were on the day of their births. that day is coming.  we imagine it.  we dream of it.  we sometimes even fear it.  that day we may not have any balloons or buttercream frosting on hand,  but we will have bella in our arms...and it will be a grand celebration....a true birthday party.