a bella-rina birthday: tutu cute!

honestly, i had no idea it was national tutu day.  somehow i stumbled into that perfect coincidence this past saturday.  i'd like to tell you i planned it. i'd like to claim that i schemed and organized and adjusted all for the perfect party package,  but i'd be lying.  i didn't.  i chose the date for bella's ballerina birthday party because it was the weekend which worked best for our family.  february 2nd, 2013...or 2-2-13...national tutu day.  get it?  and, come on now, isn't that the cutest thing ever?  i didn't even know it existed until i posted some pictures of bella's party and some friends made a comment on facebook.  they were impressed with my managing to make that all happen.  well, the day was magical, but the fact that we had her ballet birthday on national tutu day was just dumb luck.  (i, by the way, take any luck that comes my way...dumb, brilliant or otherwise).

that said...i just HAVE to share with y'all a few pictures from this precious party. because national tutu day or not, the day was just tutu sweet.  i am pretty sure i was more excited than the birthday ballerina.  this party allowed me to really channel my inner girly-girl -- oh, and do i ever have one!  i wouldn't be caught dead in a tutu today, but i had so much fun making the tutus and creating the pink and tulle explosion.  as my older kids saw things come together last week they made comments like, "wow, mom... you're really into this, aren't you?" that's their way of saying, "mom, you've kind of gone off the deep end."  what can i say...it was the first week of february in minnesota and it wasn't like i was going to be busy gardening or taking leisurely walks around the lake.  i sat fireside last week and made tutus.  ten of them, in fact. and it was thrilling.  (yes, yes it was).

so we had a ballet party to celebrate bella turning 5! and though i couldn't invite y'all, my TU-TU TALENTED friend, diana, took a zillion pictures.  i am including a few.  well, actually, i am including a lot.  but seriously, i could probably post 200.   her work is incredible and i hope you enjoy the beautiful result!

and the little ballerina crashed when her party guests said goodbye ....so did her mommy!

birthdays

i love celebrating the birthdays of our children.  i love everything about it.  especially the chance to highlight them for the day.  with five kids, it is hard to focus on any one child in the messy day to day.  not that our kids are lacking for anything.  i don't have to assure you, they get plenty of attention, recognition and love.  BUT they also have to fit into the fabric of five.  all too often, i am aware of how we don't listen or stop or celebrate when we are in the hurry of our busy living.  BUT ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS...i have to say, we do a pretty good job of CELEBRATING.  i'll never regret that.  i think we all love everything from the singing over birthday cake and candles to the receiving of gifts and good wishes.

yesterday was a birthday day in our house...and the coolest thing about february 5th is that we have TWO who share that day:  emily and bella, the oldest and youngest --  our two beautiful bookends!  God chose february 5th for both of them to be born.  WE ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT.  it's special, unique, and a part of me even considers it rather efficient.  (yes, i just wrote that).

yesterday emily turned 17 and bella, 5.  i find both milestones hard to believe.  on the kids' birthdays i like to think about the day they were born.  for the kids, birthdays are about being queen or king for the day... opening up cool gifts...eating some cake...having a special dinner...that kind of thing.  but for us mamas, birthdays mean something more.  we might use this day to stop and remember the unique moments of that day of birth years ago.  these moments would be some of the greatest in my life. with each child, i found the whole birth thing incredible. extraordinary. amazing. completely God-filled. (okay... and i suppose, a tad painful).

but each year on this day,  i am also drawn to thoughts about bella's birth mother.  i am sure this woman, wherever she is in china, thinks about the little girl she gave birth to five years ago. some of you know that bella's biological parents cared for her for about five months. when they did choose to leave her it was out of desperation. they realized bella was very sick and they had no resources to care for their baby girl.  we know this because they attached to her blanket a note of explanation. this note is an absolute treasure and one we will, someday, share with bella. and from this note, i have no doubt, they loved her greatly and only wanted what was best for her.  i'll attach the link of our guide, simon, reading it out loud to us when he found it in her file.


(by the way, in order to listen to a video on my blog...first scroll down to the very bottom of my blog and "pause" the song playlist).

so i can't help but think of bella's parents on this day.  these people who in their note wrote, "we are not willing to see her stay in pain...we had to abandon her...it's hard to tell how painful i (we) are." i am sure these people who grieved over the leaving of their baby girl...these people remember february 5th.  i am sure they wonder about where she is and how she is and who she is. as a mother, i can't imagine not knowing where one of my children is on her birthday.  i just cannot fathom what that might be like. heck, i remember being sad when emily had to go to kindergarten on her birthday.  i wanted her home with me on that special day!  over the years since bella came home, i have so wished that her biological parents could know how well she is doing.  how happy, how healthy, how whole her life is. i wish they could know how much we treasure and love our bella.  and who knows...maybe someday in God's grand design that would be possible.  one never knows.  what i do know, is that God has given us two incredibly special gifts on this same day, february 5th. they may have arrived in different ways...but our love for them is the same -- deep and dear.

 * * * * *

my birthday girls.  
oldest and youngest.  treasured daughters.  divinely designed.  princesses of the one true King.  cherished.  loved.  adored.  chosen.  blessings.

okay...check back tomorrow for a post on bella's ballerina birthday party!  no time to write more today, but i promise to post some pictures from that special day.  

minnows and tutus

my last post was about boys and ice fishing.  power augers and adventure.

but this post is dedicated to little girls and dancing.  tutus and twirling.  

i love that life gives me both.  the boys.  the girls.  grand, messy adventures and soft glimpses of beauty.

i love that God, in His wisdom and grace and goodness,  has stretched me wide between oohing and awing over the the aerator my son hooked up in his bucket of minnows yesterday (bate)...and oohing and awing over the leap and spin of my little lass in her new tutu today. (compliments of grandma)!

i have to admit, sometimes i feel overwhelmed in this stretching:  boys who handle fish and girls who twirl in tutus.  (okay, truth be told, i have girls who handle fish too)...but seriously?  the gender gap feels gargantuan sometimes.  and the age thing can be a stretch as well.  the discussions in our home right now range from kindergarten to college.  whew!  one moment we are planning prospective college visits with emily and the next moment we are praying about sending bella to kindergarten next year.  and then there's everything in between.  

yes, the gap is great. 

but...it's all good.  it's all grace.  it's definitely God's design.  and i have to remember, if He is allowing this stretching then He's also designed me to stretch.  

so, back to that little ballerina. i snapped these one morning last week while she was just hanging around the house.  everyone else gone to school. i love these quiet moments when the house empties and the tiny girl enters her sweet world of pretend. i hang back.  watch. listen. and sometimes grab the camera.  this was one of those days.

* * *

tyler's minnows.  and the aerator.  in my kitchen.  i oohed.  i awed. 

thick and thin ice

there was a time when i worried about leaving him alone in his high chair.  a time when i had to buckle him into his car seat.  a time when i had to help him with his math facts and tuck in his covers. there was a time when i worried about him climbing too high in the oak tree or swimming too far in the deep end or staying up too late at a friend's house.

there was a time.

when we become mothers we are given not only children, but we're also given this extra dose of worry.  it kind of goes with the territory.  and though i would never consider myself to be an extreme worrier, i am not immune. no mother is.  it's just part of the deal.  we worry.  whether it is wondering if he is getting enough green vegetables in his diet or stressing over if he's studying enough for his final exams...as his mom, i am kind of along for the ride.

but there's this fine line...this delicate balance.  sometimes as parents, we are sort of skating on thin ice with our kids.  we know they need a little wiggle room...a dose of adventure and a good taste of independence...but we also know too much can send them crashing right through the thin ice of life.  we have to know our kids and know what they can handle and that, my friends, takes a lot of work and even more energy.  i want my boys (and my girls, for that matter) to have my support and encouragement along the way.  i want them to know i am there to cheer them on from the sidelines or even run with them in the game, but i am also still the one who has to sometimes put on the breaks or tighten the reins.

this mothering thing isn't always easy.  (can i get an a-men?)

since moving to minnesota last summer, we have had a 14,528 acre lake right in our backyard.  it is breathtaking to see...amazing to look at...inspiring to consider...but it is also a bit of a pain in the backside of this mother.  it, at the very least, provides some potentially dangerous issues we need to deal with.

tyler's a smart boy, but he has this incredible zest for the outdoors and big adventure.  his favorite show: man vs. wild.  what can i say, my boy is wired for this stuff.  i can remember him as a small kid whittling sticks in our woods...making forts and weapons and shelter.  i've watched him dig up grubs and catch crawfish in the creek.  the boy loves to fish and explore and i'm sure, at some level (though he'd never admit it) he loves to pretend.  he's a lot like his mama. (except i'm not all that much into digging up grubs).

and living on this lake has been no different.  we traded in our wooded acres and trails back in georgia for this massive lake minnetonka.  ("minne" means water and "tonka" means big).  i'm pretty sure there hasn't been a day since moving, that i haven't watched him meander down to the "big water" out back.  sometimes i find him standing before the great window at the rear of the house just watching the lake.  standing and staring.  i understand that, i stand and stare quite a bit, too.

the summer was filled with kayaking and jet skiing and late night fishing.  i, of course, worried about him being out on the water.  i didn't want him down there alone.  i wanted his kayak to stay within sight. i insisted on life jackets and certain obvious (at least to me) precautions.  when he balked or argued i calmly explained, "sorry, it's part of my job."

oh, no...this mothering thing isn't always easy.   (another a-men, please.)

i waited for winter to come and kind of breathed a sigh of relief when everything turned cold and frozen.  surely now he was safe.    the open water was gone and in it's place a gigantic, 2 feet thick glacier had arrived.  except that ice has it's own issues as well.  what was i thinking?  he wasn't safe.  not safe at all.  if that basic knowledge isn't enough there's this huge flashing sign just outside of our neighborhood which says, "sheriff's advisory -- ice is never safe." i drive by it at least 5 times a day.  i have to be honest, i'm getting a bit annoyed with it.  "stop reminding me!" i want to yell. "i know the ice isn't safe...i know my kids aren't really safe. ever. anywhere. i get it already!"

this might not surprise you, but my 15 year old son isn't thinking about safe.

the gas powered auger from the carlins
which shaves a hole through the ice.
i think, if he's not careful,
he could end up shaving all the
 way to china with it!

no, tyler isn't thinking about safety, but he is thinking about all the ice has to offer.  he had two items at the top of his christmas list this year:  an ice auger and an ice fishing rod.  some friends offered to let him borrow their ice house/tent and some of their gear, as well. (a shout out to the carlin family -- thank you!)  all he's missing is the 6 pack of beer and an unshaven face. NO! NO! NO!  ice house, ice fishing rod, auger, space heater ... and all of a sudden my southern raised boy has transformed into a minnesota man.  (he would really hate that i just wrote that -- we'll see if he reads my blog).

today the temperatures were as low as negative 14 degrees with a windchill at minus 35.  but after a half day of school, guess where i found tyler this afternoon.  yep, you guessed it, out on the ice.  and he literally spent the rest of the day out there. after a couple of hours, i decided it was time to check on him (and take a few pictures).  so with a thermos of hot chocolate (my excuse) in one hand and my camera in the other, i headed down to the 14, 583 acre glacier.  in case you were wondering what a camera toting, hot chocolate bringing mother wears in negative 14 degree weather when visiting her son in his ice house, i made sure to have sarah snap a picture.  nice, huh?
can you say e s -  k i -  m o !

so, here's what i found when i got down there...

that would be his breath, he may be ice fishing, 

but he hasn't taken up smoking cigarettes. =) 

there's even a seat in the pop up tent!

his spear! what every boy needs.

kind of freaky to see the ice...but if you look, you can see it is about 2 feet thick.

the hole continues to freeze over (because it's THAT cold) so he uses this ladle to remove the icy layer.

things like space heaters really do help!

before seeing "the hole" i was worried that he could fall in. i assure you, not possible.

"see ya later, mom." and back in he goes.

these characters are right next door...we've decided they don't have jobs.  they (and their truck) are ALWAYS out on the ice. we think they sleep there.

i got to the top of the hill,  looked back out...and thought to myself, 

"there once was day when i wouldn't leave him alone in his high chair..."

so that's it folks.  just another tiny slice of our minnesota life.  and maybe a reminder or two, that we, moms and dads, are often walking a little bit on thin ice ourselves.  it is not always easy to get good footing or to find that perfect balance while watching our kids grow up.  it's a grand adventure for sure -- one i wouldn't trade for anything.  this parenting thing keeps us humbled and, if we're following the lead of Jesus, it keeps us on our knees.   whether strapped into their high chairs or let loose on the ice, these precious kiddos belong first to God...and we have to trust Him, both, in their safety and in their adventures.

solid ground or solid ice...this parenting thing isn't ever easy.
and all together now, the people say...  A-MEN!

* p.s.    tyler sent this picture to his sister...he caught 9 fish that day.

and like any good fisherman, he'd want to make sure i included that fact in this story! 

10, 000 reasons

 the laundry was strewn colorfully across the white down comforter of my bed --  piles of it.  it seemed there were 10,000 items in this mountain of folding. and i was standing in front of at least 100 grey t-shirts (i have boys) when i heard her:  little miss began singing in the bathtub just a few feet away and her tiny voice echoed into my laundry loaded bedroom.  it mixed with the grey t-shirts and mis-matched socks and the countless pair of yoga pants (teenage daughter).

she sang and i listened.

my cell phone just happened to be siting on the nightstand.  

and though i rarely remember to use the video option,  i quickly pushed record:

(click on video)

"bless the Lord, o my soul

o my soul

worship His holy name

sing like never before

o my soul

i'll worship your holy name..."

i know her words aren't exactly crystal clear.  but her message is.  and i just had to share it with you this morning.  maybe, today, you are in need of a little soul-blessing. if so, this is the perfect message for you.

it was for me.

it always is for me.

the name of this song is 10,000 reasons (matt redman).  10,000 reasons to bless the Lord. oh surely, yes! it's true, we all have so many reasons to offer blessing.  but let's face it, there are days when we aren't in the mood to list 10 reasons, let alone 10,000.  unfortunately, we all have days like that.  times when we feel flat and frustrated.  dead and defeated. burnt out and burdened.  

but, i want to let you in on a little secret:  that's exactly the time when we most need to sit down with some paper and pencil and begin our listing.  a few years ago, i journeyed through ann voskamp's book, one thousand gifts.  it challenged me to keep a journal and write down the "gifts" i found each day -- the gifts along the way. both, the extraordinary and the very, very ordinary.

children loud and giggly in our backyard
spring sun, hot on my hair
writing with a good ink pen
fresh lemons in blue bowl
new ivy growing lime green on red brick
books stacked bedside...so much to read
friendly daffodils laughing in small groups roadside
a sleeping dog
clean countertops (indeed, quite rare)
my girls stirring chocolate chips into cookie dough...
                                                                                   ~ (an excerpt from april 2011)

that was easy in the springtime of atlanta two years ago.  harder when i was diagnosed a month later with cancer.  but i continued to trudge through the exercise of listing. there were some days when it felt laborious and pointless.  days when i had to dig a little bit deeper to find something to add to my list.  but it was one of the things which helped me through that tough time.  there is something so wonderful...so powerful...so healing when you can continue to count blessings in the midst of something miserable.  i suppose that is why, two years later, and i am still writing and still talking about it.

when we are going through the deserts or discouraging places of life, that is exactly the time when we need to begin recording our reasons and listing our gifts.  as i challenged you a couple of years ago, i'll do so again today: physically write them out.  it is one thing to just "think about them" in the mushy places of our minds...another thing, entirely, to scratch them out with ink and paper...to record them.  to come back to them. sometimes the greater blessing is in the returning.

that was two years ago.  but i am still recording.  it has become somewhat of a habit.  and i have to tell you, minnesota has taken my list to another level of gratitude.  today as i write this post, the windchill is -30.  (yes, you read that correctly).  and though it's unbelievably cold, i am finding it easy to write down the blessings:

the crackle and heat from our fireplace.
the invention of smart wool socks.
a puppy at my feet.
oatmeal simmering on stovetop.

a day off from school and children still sleeping in their beds.
no place to go.
hot coffee in my favorite blue glazed mug.
a teenage son to fetch firewood  (when he wakes up).
a well insulated home.
the winter sunrise over an utterly silent lake.
a breakfast bagel in front of the fire...

oh, and here's another one for the list...

...an ice house out on the lake...which no one will ever expect me to step foot in! just look at how horribly cold and desolate that looks...brrr....

now that's something worthy of gratitude! 

here's the rest of the song...you can also hear it on my blog playlist -- IF it is working (sometimes not) and IF your computer volume is turned on.

10,000 reasons 

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger

Your name is great, and Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing

Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

And on that day when my strength is failing

The end draws near and my time has come

Still my soul will sing Your praise unending

Ten thousand years and then forevermore

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name

Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name

I'll worship Your holy name.



 "Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
 Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
 Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
 Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."
~ Psalm 103

conversation hearts

it had been a quiet ride home from morning carpool.  music played in the background of my thoughts and the littlest one sat unusually silent in the backseat of my yukon.  we were almost to our final turn when she, out of the blue, asked,

"mama, is Jesus in ivy joy's heart?"

oh, what a question for a mama with only one cup of coffee in her.  we had talked quite a bit last night about ivy's heart. the girls were making cards to send to her hospital room and in the middle of stickers and markers, bella wanted to know more about ivy's heart.  is it getting better?  why did she have to have surgery? why is she sick?  what does her heart look like? bella was especially fascinated when i explained how they had used some pig tissue in ivy's heart.  bella has a little bit of a cow's pericardium in her own heart.  we joked about how she and ivy would be really good at their "moos" and "oinks"... she laughed, thinking that was so, so funny.  i suppose in many ways it is absolutely not funny, but we have to take what God gives us and go with it sometimes. and this was one of those times.

but this morning her question came from no where.
a quiet car and we were almost home.
but she asked again.

"mama, is Jesus in ivy joy's heart?"

it reminded me of our conversation back in november, when we were on the way to bella's appointment at the mayo clinic.  again in the car, bella and i were talking about her heart and what the doctors were going to do at this appointment.

"why do they have to look at my heart, mama?"
"they want to see how it's working, sweetie," i explained.
"but, what will they see in there?" she continued to press.
"they will see your heart beating and humming and doing just what it should be doing."
bella sat quietly for a second and i watched her in my rearview mirror, the wheels clearly and rapidly turning.
"mama!" she exclaimed, with a giggle,"they might see Jesus in my heart!" 

oh, how that made me want to laugh and cry and sing for joy all at once. what a comment!  what a beautiful, beautiful comment! words only possible from the lips of a child.

"yes bella! Jesus is in your heart...though, honey, i'm not sure if the doctors will actually see Him, but He is absolutely there."
"they will see Him, mama." she said shaking her head with complete confidence. "they will see Him."

and i had to quietly agree.  how could they not?

                                                    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

and then this morning, another car conversation about hearts.

after talking a little bit more about ivy and her heart, bella continued to press further in her questions.  (i am sure by this point, you are wishing you were sitting in my passenger seat, watching me attempt to navigate the minnesota roads and the little miss inquistive's questions -- and again, with minimal coffee in me).

"mom, does everyone have Jesus in their heart?"
i paused for a moment, thinking: she is only four, where do these questions come from?
"well, no bella.  not everyone has Jesus in their heart."
"REALLY???" bella gasped in great disbelief and complete childhood shock.
"but why, mama?  why don't people have Jesus in their hearts?"
and then one more time, "why wouldn't people want Jesus in their hearts?"

diana took this picture last september.
it perfectly captures that "look" of bella's!

i wish you could have seen her face.  i sat at the stoplight watching her reaction to my answer. she has this way of opening up her eyes super wide -- it is the perfect picture of incredulity.  and that was the look she gave me.  "why mama?  why don't people have Jesus in their hearts?"  it was as if i had told her that blue and pink polka dotted elephants were coming to our house for dinner tonight.

it was the first time she had ever heard such a thing...

and, so today, i leave you with bella's little girl question.  why don't people have Jesus in their heart?

we know this.

but when was the last time we were startled to the point of wide-eyed wonder and total disbelief?

as usual, i love how God uses little ones to make us think about big things...

and, "yes, bella.  Jesus is definitely in ivy joy's heart.  He is written all over this precious girl."  as her own mama said below (check comments) "Of course Ivy has Jesus in her heart, He is and always will be the owner of her heart, her first love, the only one who will never break her heart!"  a-men.

"do you hear what these children are saying?" 

they asked him. "yes," replied Jesus, "have you never read, 

"'from the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise'?"

~matthew 21:16