and there's not a darn thing you can do about it ...

many moons ago, before there were kids running around our house, rick and i had dogs. two, to be exact. two big dogs, to be even more exact.  -- no surprise there, i'm sure.

meet bailey and her pup, madison.

madison                                                       bailey

adorable, right?

and oh how i loved them.
and oh how i loved photographing them.

then emily came along ... and guess what? i loved her too! and, what's more, i loved photographing her! a baby, i assure you, was even more fun to dress up and photograph than my dogs ... imagine that.

(clearly, we liked hats).

i even photographed all three of them together!

keep in mind this was long before digital photography. long before i had the ability to evaluate what my camera had captured. this meant after somewhat-blindly shooting a roll of film, i would drop off my little black canisters and be forced to wait a week before knowing what kind of pictures i actually had. each picture counted. because each picture cost money. you paid for every photo in that paper envelope regardless of how good or how bad the quality. and let me tell you, there were always more bad than good.

because sometimes you have to wait a little to see how things turn out.

kind of like parenting.

i guess that appears incredibly archaic to me now ... now we take a gazillion pictures and it costs virtually nothing --- well, sort of nothing. (let's pretend we aren't including the cost of our snazzy digital cameras). now when i snap a picture my littlest one hurries over to me, tugs on my arm and asks me to show her the LCD screen on my camera. she knows she can view the image immediately. she even knows how to push the correct buttons to scroll through the photos.

things have changed.

it seems excruciating to my girls (my boys never seem to care very much) to have to wait even five minutes while i go load the photos onto my macbook. i can't hardly explain to them how it "used to be." they look at me blankly when i tell them i once used film.

"film? what's film?" 

film which required me to stop into a store, fill out an envelope and wait several days for processing. film which required not only processing, but a good dose of patience.

like parenting.

my girls can't quite process that concept. they're like, "mom, but why didn't you just use your iphone then?" perhaps i am exaggerating a wee bit, but you get the idea.

times have changed.

i mean, we still have two big dogs and i still take a gazillion pictures, but other things ...

like that first born girl ... she's changed. a lot. and that thought, my friends, seems even harder for this mama to process than those old vials of film. the little girl who i used to dress up and prop up and photograph (like it was the only thing i had to do in the world) ... well, i blinked, and that first born is now a senior in high school.

and it doesn't much matter if i'm taking her picture with film or with digital photography ... because i don't need pictures to tell me she's grown up.

last weekend it really hit me. my dear friend, diana, emily and i headed for downtown minneapolis to shoot her senior pictures. emily wanted "something different." (of course she did). we all liked the idea of a cool, urban setting. three peas in a pod we were traipsing around in 95 degree heat. all of us enthusiastic though and up for the adventure ... even at one point climbing into an abandoned warehouse just because it had a cool fire escape! and it was fun. not stressful at all. we laughed and joked our way through the hot-as-blazes-day. we were all in our element. diana is amazing behind the camera and em was amazing in front of the camera. i, like a good mother, did my job pretty well too,  holding outfit changes, lipgloss, powder and water bottles ... while cheering them both on! i also had to work at holding back a few tears when i watched my girl getting her picture taken. she was wearing the wedding pearls rick gave me 23 years ago.

when your husband gives you pearls on your wedding day, you just can't imagine your teenage daughter asking to borrow them for her senior photos one day. i mean, you just can't....

but there she was in her jean jacket, cowgirl boots and my wedding pearls ... and at one point i couldn't bare to watch, so i counted cars passing by. really, i did. i was determined not to cry onto the blue silk blouse of her next wardrobe change...

more has changed than how we process film. and i am no closer to wrapping my brain around this passage of time than my girls are in understanding archaic photography.

it just happens.

even when you're looking, it happens.

i never looked away. really, i didn't. Lord knows i've kept my girl right in front of that camera lens for the past 17 years. right in the center of my viewfinder ... right in the middle of my mama-beating heart.

but somehow ... she grew up anyway.

and there's not a darn thing i can do about it except embrace the change,  embrace the moments, and, more than anything, embrace the girl.

because she's not only grown, but she's going to be gone in less than a year. and those of you with kids who have already flown the coop, you know... you know what i'm about to face. you know the emotional current running underneath everything she does in this final year of high school -- every bowl of cereal at my kitchen counter, every volleyball match, every late night talk on the porch, every prayer whispered by her bed, every hug, every time i hear her singing in her room, every time she asks my opinion on a hairstyle or outfit, even every load of her laundry ... you know the bittersweet mixture of pride and joy and fear and excitement and grief.

you know the heaviness of my heart and the sound of my sighs ...

she says to me all the time, "mom, don't cry. you know i don't like it when you or dad cry."  of course she doesn't.  and of course, i am careful. and of course some times when i'm in the middle of watching her, i have to turn away and count cars ... you know it.

and so we do our best to capture, to embrace and to begin letting go ...

i've heard it said that motherhood is a continual letting go. from the time our babies leave our bodies we are required to release. we pray for that to be gentle ... and sometimes it is. when we walk our child into their kindergarten classroom and the sweet teacher is waiting with open arms and a big smile, we know she's in good hands and she's going to be just fine.

but sometimes it isn't. like the times when we drop off our child and we're not quite sure. like when we just have to wait and see how things will turn out.

last year, when we moved to minnesota, i had a moment like that with emily. our plane landed and 3 hours later she had to walk into an unknown gym, meet an unknown team and perform in a pre-season scrimmage for an unknown coach. she didn't know a soul. she was 16 and she had just stepped foot into minnesota.

she played in the scrimmage that night like a deer in the headlights. i stood off to the side of the gym with a lump in my throat, knowing this was one of those hard "letting go" moments of motherhood.

i'll never forget that hot night in the gym knowing i couldn't do a thing for her. she was on her own. she would have to sink or swim and all i could do was be there.

we don't know where emily will end up for college next year, but i am pretty sure, that lump in my throat will be there the day we leave her in her dorm room and hug her good-bye ... i'm pretty sure i'll have to look away and count cars or count something ...

but i'm also pretty sure, this is all a part of the motherhood-blessing.  the holding, the releasing ... the providing, the pushing ... the savoring and the surrendering.

and though we might do our best to capture a million moments with our cameras, we must ultimately learn to let go.

processing...patience...prayer ... and then, letting go.

i will wave when they look back

12th, 10th, 8th, 5th and kindergarten!

and there they go.

all five of them out the door and off to school and into the next new year -- the next new thing. the next season of their quick-as-a-wink childhoods.

summer things put away. bare feet covered in school shoes. bathing suits swapped out for new digs. goggles, towels, and pool bags left hanging -- the remnants of summer abandoned on hooks in our mud room.

a seasonal changing of the guard.

backpacks and book bags and lunch boxes now strewn across the kitchen ... staking claim for what is rightfully, once again, theirs.

no need for sun screen this morning.

emily asks me to braid her hair.

i can barely stand for the mixture of emotions tangling around my feet, threatening to topple me over as i crouch before them in the their cleaned-up state, snapping pictures and capturing a moment and trying my best to remain calm. the quick click of shutter matches the beat of my mama-heart. it's the rhythm of right now. the staccato sound of click.beat.click.beat. tapping out the message of this morning: one.moment.in.time. 

because this day will never happen again. today all five of them head off to school. same day. same morning. same hour. same direction.

somehow, we have been handed this precious gift of perfect coordination.

it's a first, and it will be a last. 

today, our little bella begins kindergarten. and today, our almost grown up emily begins her senior year of high school. the other three spaced across the in-between-years, like glue holding together these two wildly far apart places. 

and it's all this mother can do to keep from dropping to her knees and clinging to the feet of these children, weeping, "stop! don't move. don't change. don't leave. don't grow up!"

except that that would be so entirely weird i'm sure all five of them, including the cute kindergartner, would race right out of the house forgetting their lunches and backpacks and brand new-first-day-of-school-shoes.  

so, i will calmly take a few pictures.

i will capture this sweet moment as they pause in one place ... under one roof ... for one purpose ... at one time.

i will remind them to grab their random first day of school things from the counter. i will hurry them along and try not to fuss too much. i will smile and put mama kisses on their cheeks ... even on the cheek of the boy who is now shaving. i will smile hard and hug tightly and let go appropriately.

i will wave when they look back. 

i will not think about the fact that, next year, on this day, emily will already be moved into her college dorm. next year, she will not ask me to braid her hair. woman pauses in her typing. should she delete that last sentence? delete such a thought? why go there? right?

but i will be brave:  leave the sentence. let the children go. capture the moment. embrace the change.

wipe the tears.

wash the breakfast dishes.

rejoice in the day.

and give thanks for it all.

kindergarten with mrs. paine!

5th grade with mrs. houston!

after bella's half day, we had lunch at the minnesota arboretum with our buddies,

 "little emme" and miss di.  (thanks for great pictures diana)!

THAT woman

i don't want to be THAT woman.

you know the one: the lady who is always too busy to talk. the gal who is in a rush and running out the door. the neighbor who is known only by the tail lights of her departing SUV. the friend always on her way some where ... to some place ... to some thing ... with some one.

i don't want to be known as the woman who breezes in and breezes out all the time.

but that's what i feel like lately -- a lot.

a woman with her hair on fire. that's me.

last week i attended a coffee in a neighbor's home where i am pretty sure, in under ten minutes, i let every other woman present know i had somewhere else i had to be. we were supposed to run from the meet and greet coffee to a meet and greet kindergarten class play date for bella.

both were scheduled from 10-12 am.  that's do-able, right?

in my world, i seem to think it is.

but i'm struggling in my world lately -- a lot.

i don't want to be the mom who can't seem to string together three cohesive sentences because she has a child interrupting or another engagement pending or some ridiculous fire in need of extinguishing.

i certainly don't want to be guilty of half-listening because my mind is jumping ahead to the thing i have to do next. ouch! i type that sentence knowing full-well it happens.

there i was last friday morning, meeting with these delightful new ladies and what i wanted most was to go find a corner, sit down and talk more, hear their stories, tell them mine. i wanted to connect! but instead i was stuffing a muffin into my mouth, gulping coffee and wrangling in bella from the pool (yes, the pool).  all the while i was nodding my head and trying my best to bond a little with these nice, new neighbors.

because a woman can do some bang up bonding when she's in the midst of stuffing, gulping and wrangling, right?

wrong!

as we were leaving (early), my sweet friend, colleen, who hosted the coffee, walked me to the door. i was sweating profusely trying to get bella out of her swimsuit, back into her shoes and out the door -- all the while balancing her plate of goodies, a wet towel and my bag. as we headed down the front walk, colleen called after me, "i'm so glad you were able to fit this into your busy morning!"

she didn't say it sarcastically. colleen, one of the most genuinely kind ladies i know, doesn't have a sarcastic bone in her body. but i walked to my car thinking ... "fit this in ... fit. this. in ..."  yuck! i don't want to be the lady who fits people in. i don't want to be THAT woman.

except that sometimes, i am.

the fact is though, as much as that idea leaves an unpleasant taste, i'm sitting here a few days later not entirely sure what to do about it.

should i say no?

i promise you -- we say no. we decline to the point of being rude. sometimes that's the answer, but not always.

i have a hunch that it has something to do with five kids. it has something to do especially with having five kids all still at home -- all with school and activities and schedules. we've really enjoyed this summer, but i have to tell you, we've never been stretched in so many different directions. recently, i described our family to a friend as seven ships passing in the night. i am not sure that's a very flattering or healthy description, but it is accurate. and good golly, someone remind me, isn't this summer?

i know this season of life is the busy run just before the imminent slow empty of our nest ... but most days it leaves me feeling a little scattered ... a bit scarce ... a tad frantic, in fact. i physically long for the slow and simple. i have been known to crawl under the covers of my bed at 4:00 in the afternoon and shout, "let's pretend mommy's not here for a while!" that works for about five minutes. instead i have high schoolers gulping smoothies at 7:30 am on their way out the door to varsity practices ... middle schoolers racing off on bikes to meet up with friends ... and even a kindergartner last friday morning with two places to be.

i am THAT WOMAN driving down the street in the middle of a summer afternoon who realizes that one of her children was supposed to be at a birthday party two hours earlier. yep ...

i believe this is the time when women like me crack up and move out to the country ...
or begin homeschooling everyone ... (not that that sounds like a solution)!
or start exercising for hours every day...

just between you and me, i would probably be more prone to over-eat or over-shop before i would ever (like, in-a-million-years-ever) over-exercise (or homeschool).  you understand, right? ...

i am fully aware this has something to do with control.

or should i write, lack of control.

i can't control the number of things we have to do or the places we have to be. and it's kind of driving me crazy. i used to be able to do that when they were little. pick and choose. i can remember not telling my little people about a play date or a birthday party or a park opportunity, simply because i knew it would be too much for our family (for me) to say yes. simply because i could. because i held the cards. i called the shots. i was the one in control of the master family schedule.

these days ... well, it just doesn't work quite that same way.

i'm not a flimsy parent. i have no problem saying "no" to my kids. they would probably even tell you i say it a lot. we do have some pretty good boundaries in place. but still ...

the mcnatts are living life at full throttle.

and that's not really a bad thing. we should live life with gusto ... live life with great zest! hooray for life! i get that. i want that. Lord, help us all the day this woman feels slightly bored. but i believe in all this craziness, there's got to be some line of balance. i want my kids to have enough to do, just not too much. i want the same for my husband and the same for me.

enough to do, but not too much to do. i'll be honest that line feels rather thin lately. one mis-step and we find ourselves fallen into either idleness or insanity.

oh dear Jesus, i want that elusive, imponderable, catch-the-butterfly-kind-of balance!

the proverbs 31 girl seems to be a woman always held in high esteem. so let's talk about her for a minute.

would she understand my dilemma? did she have balance? did she feel the same stress when walking the line between "eating the bread of idleness" and "planting her vineyard?"

i really want to know!

in proverbs it says: "her children rise up and call her blessed;  her husband also praises her..." 

so, i'm thinking this woman without a name who dresses her family all in scarlet and still finds time to laugh, plant vineyards, and shop in faraway places has figured out how to be busy enough, but not too busy.

so, what's her secret?

i just spent a little time in this passage today and i pulled out all the verbs which describe her. (fascinating former english teacher stuff -- i know).

SHE: seeks, works, brings, rises, provides,
considers, plants, dresses, makes, perceives,
puts, opens, reaches, clothes, sells, delivers,
laughs, teaches, surpasses, looks.

whew!

okay, seriously, is it just me or is anyone else completely exhausted reading that list???

she does all of that? really? without a high efficiency washing machine or a microwave or even a mini-van?

vineyard in santa barbara -- didn't plant it,
but did have a lovely glass of wine!

maybe there was a proverbs 32 woman working quietly behind her: an assistant, an apprentice, an adjunct ... at the very least an ally!  i think i might be on to something here friends. there's just no way this esteemed woman could do all of this completely on her own, right?  i mean i'd plant that vineyard and consider myself done for the day ... maybe done for the year! i am just so utterly impressed and in awe of this gal's energy!

... and so very thankful she is not my immediate neighbor.

she's making her own clothes and the clothes of her kiddos and i can barely make it to the gap for a sale. what's going on here people? how is she doing it?

but, you know what? i love her. really, i do. i have connected with this passage since my teenage years, knowing that she was a fabulous role model. but i if i was being honest here, (and i do try to be honest most of the time), i also want to sit down and pick her brain a bit. i'd like y'all to know right now, that come heaven-time, i will be blowing right by peter and gabriel and on the hunt for the proverbs 31 woman.  i have a few questions for this proverbially wonder woman. like: how did she do all of that stuff ... all of those VERBS ... and still find time to work the ny times crossword puzzle on saturday mornings with her husband or dangle her feet in the lake with her little ones or enjoy a leisurely walk in the park without a list of stuff rattling around in her head. exhausted women want to know!

here's my big question: how did she do all of that AND still manage to be available to those around her?

this passage doesn't mention friends or neighbors.  did she have them? did they know her by the tail lights of her cart or by the backside of her donkey? did they watch her spinning her scarlet clothes or on her way out to her vineyard and say to themselves, "well, there goes, that always-busy-and-productive-proverbs-31-mama --- who does she think she is anyway?"

this chapter in proverbs doesn't say much about her relationships outside her family, but somehow, i think she found time to visit with other women and encourage them along the way. "she opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." i don't think she spent a lot of time on facebook or hanging out in the cul-de-sac gossiping. but i do think she had wise words and kind gestures readily available for those in her circle.

i am pretty sure she delivered a casserole or two in her time.

i'm kind of poking fun at her today. but you know, the truth is, i want to be a woman whose children (and husband) rise up and call her blessed. i want to be a woman known for her wisdom and kindness. and i want to be a woman who strikes the right balance for her family ... and even for her friends.

i do want to be THAT woman, i absolutely want to be THE woman God designed me to be.

sometimes it's hard to figure out who she is, what she looks like, and how in the world she's ever going to get it all done!

but God knows.  He designed each one of us in an unique and purposeful way. and on those days when i can't seem to control the pace or the plan, i need to remember:
God does have a plan and only He can put pEace in the pace.

"for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you

and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ jeremiah 29:11

"LORD, you establish peace for us; 
all that we have accomplished you have done for us." ~ Isaiah 26:12

july 16th: coincidence or Christ?

i was going to let the day pass without pointing out that it's special.

but that's hard.

(okay, it's hard for me).

because special days are special days. and i can't help but think, they are worth mentioning. at least a little. at least to someone.

it's july 16th...

and our bella woke this morning in silky blue pjs with bright pink flowers. barely awake, she curled up in my lap and smelled like sunshine from last night's bath. 

she ate raisin bran and apple slices for breakfast.

she watched cartoons.

she played with her dolls.

i painted her toenails pink.

she had swim lessons with her pal, emme.

she picked strawberries from "her bush."

normal things. all of it good and beautiful, but nothing special about this day so far.

looking at today it's not a day that looks too differently than any other summer day. but it is. 

it's one of the days that we celebrate. even kind of quietly.

i whole-heartedly believe God is at work every day. He doesn't take a break on mondays or fridays or holidays. He's always behind the scene orchestrating and ordaining our lives. each and every day.

but on july 16th i have to think God was especially inspired.

it was on july 16th, 5 years ago, bella was found in a stairwell. it was her finding day. attached to bella was a letter from her biological parents who clearly said they loved her, but couldn't care for her medical needs and were leaving her in the hope that someone "with loving arms" would help her. can you imagine this day for those dear ones? even now ... all these years later, i can't help but stop and think about them. think about the sacrifice they made for their daughter. they left her so someone could find her. not because they wanted to, but because they needed to do. 

it was on july 16th, 4 years ago, our family had made the final decision and written a letter to friends asking them to pray for a little girl in china whom we had fallen in love with and had plans to pursue. we, like her biological parents, also humbly asked for help knowing we couldn't do this on our own either. we felt overwhelmed, unsure, ill-equipped. we knew we needed our community to come alongside us and walk with us. 

and...

it was on july 16th--3 years ago--rick and i boarded a plane in atlanta and headed for china to meet our new daughter. we didn't orchestrate that travel date.  not even the plane ticket -- that was set by china approving us for adoption and the adoption agency determining our flight time and day.  i'll never forget the feeling when i connected all those dots a couple of years ago.  i wrote about it then, but felt today, like i just had to tell y'all again.

because it doesn't just speak to the awesomeness of bella's adoption.  it speaks to the awesomeness of our God. it speaks to His incredibly perfect plan.

why is it sometimes easier to believe in coincidences than it is to believe in Christ?

maybe that's why i'm writing today. you guys know bella's story.  y'all think it's pretty cool. i don't have to convince you of that. but maybe today, you need a reminder of how good God is and how grand are his plans. even when we can't see just how He's working.  He is. oh, He is.  and friend, if you're ever tempted to doubt your Creator's concern for the details of your life...

think about bella and think about july 16th.

it wasn't a coincidence.

it wasn't a cool occurrence.

it was Christ.

"and we know that in all things God works for the 
good of those who love him,
 who have been called according to his purpose." 
 ~ romans 8:28

preschool to prom

i mentioned in my last post that we've been a little busy this month with activities ranging from a preschool graduation to a high school prom.  and that was no exaggeration.  i can pretend it's all really hard...or i can tell you the truth -- it's all really good. sure it might be challenging at times to switch gears from polka dotted preschool dresses to elegant prom night apparel.  but it is also a lot of fun.  i love that God has given me such a stretch.  i don't know if i'd go so far as to say it keeps me young...but it certainly keeps me on my knees. it keeps things in perspective.  and most of all,  it keeps me grateful.

and let me tell you, a good bit of gratitude and a healthy dose of perspective is greatly needed when your daughter starts talking prom -- or "formal" as emily's school calls it.  it is easy to get swept away with all the hoop-a-la of hair and makeup and jewelry and shoes and the dress -- oh the dress!  this dress she is wearing required us to stand in line at a store in the mall for almost an hour waiting for a changing room.  i kid you not.  apparently the weekend we went shopping was open season on prom dresses. and every 17 and 18 year old girl in minnesota was out hunting.  i have never, and i mean never, waited an hour for a dressing room for anything.  but what's a girl (and her mother) supposed to do when (because of a busy volleyball tournament schedule) they have exactly one weekend to figure it all out?  we spent an entire saturday going from place to place.  keep in mind we are new in town.  we didn't exactly know the best places to find formal dresses.  i was doing everything in my power to avoid the awful mall of america.  but at the end of the day, that's exactly where we were.

last october i posted a piece about my first trip to the mall of america. and you might remember though it ended with a great moment, it wasn't exactly the most stellar mall experience starting out. the mall of america and the mcnatt family does not have a terrific track record. (mall of america post).

so here we were in this insane mall with a gagillion other girls clawing and clamoring for the perfect prom dress.  girls with their girlfriends and girls with their boyfriends and girls dragging dazed and desperate looking mothers behind them.  we waited an hour in line to try on this dress and thankfully (i mean THANKFULLY) em and i both agreed it was "the one."  when your 17 year old daughter says yes to the dress (especially after waiting an hour for it) the heavens open wide, angelic voices sing in jubilation and the light suddenly shines softer -- at least for mother.  all we needed was a starbucks to refuel and we were out of there!  em started to doubt her choice and i cut her off quickly, "no. no. no. it's lovely.  it's perfect. we're done. get in the car. let's go!" i felt my foot leaning hard into the gas pedal as we flew out of the monster of america's parking garage.

now all we had left to figure out was her hairstyle and makeup and nails and shoes and jewelry and clutch and boutineer....

okay, so that was the prom dress.  the dress bella is wearing i happened to pick up at nordstrom rack on sale while i was making a return. i saw it.  i grabbed it.  and i was gone in less than 5 minutes.  there was no deliberation. there was no big decision. there was no hour wait for a dressing room.  there was nothing but a polka dotted dress in a bag and a satisfied and calm customer.

see what i mean about perspective?

i think both girls looked lovely.  i wouldn't trade the preschool thing and i wouldn't trade the prom thing.  i am thankful i get to do both.  and as much as i might loathe the mall of america, i wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else than by emily's side while she was trying on dresses. sometimes i think about that.  i think about when i was diagnosed with cancer and i had those hard nights of not knowing how serious it was.  i remember the incredible fear while wondering if i might miss these kinds of moments. that kind of fear changes you. i am not saying i embrace every big and little thing perfectly now, but i am at least more aware of how fleeting time is...how fleeting life can be -- how precious. and truly, we don't need cancer to spell it out.  i look at my oldest daughter and i can't believe how quickly she went from her preschool years to her prom date.  she looks too grown up, doesn't she?  it's what happens. people warned me of this way back when.  but you don't really believe it until it's your daughter or your son.  your child standing taller and more elegant than you ever were at that same age.  and it's one more reminder to grab hold of life right where we are.  in the sweetness of preschool or the drama of prom-a...it's all good. it's all a gift.

and whether our girls wear patent leather mary janes or gold, high heeled sandals, it's a parents' privilege to walk right alongside them.  to sometimes hold their dresses, to sometimes hold their hands, and always, to love them through the small and big steps of their journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

those two events also kept my camera busy.  i'm including a few photos.  we had the pre-formal pictures for eight couples (and their parents) in our yard...also did the preschool photo shoot there with bella. same setting, different day. i deliberately alternated the pictures below...because that's exactly how i feel most days!

emily and some of her guy friends -- before the other girls arrived!

our bella mouse!

em and her date, kevin. clearly having some fun!

the whole gang!

pleased as punch!

em and her good friend, camille -- beautiful!

bella insisted on including minne in some of her pictures.

these girls didn't seem quite so interested in including minne!