only a few things

i will be 42 years old this fall.  today i registered at babies r us for our 5th child.  when i sat down at the registry desk a young, cheerful associate handed  me a few forms to fill out.  i almost stood right back up and left the store.  NO!  no more paperwork.  (this has been my instinctual reaction to any and all forms since going through the adoption process). i didn't leave, but i am certain she noticed me both flinch and gulp.  i am sure she saw the sag in my shoulders and probably wondered.  i quickly blurted out that i just needed to mark down a few things.  this is our 5th.  she is already 2 and a half! ...i don't need much.  i have other errands to run.  it was like she didn't hear me.  smiling brightly, she continued to shove the papers in front of me and direct me to page 7 which listed all the things i would need for "bringing home a new baby."  no. no. no.  i didn't need a breast pump or formula.  i wasn't in the market for a bouncy seat or a baby swing.  i was registering for a toddler.  i ONLY NEED A FEW THINGS.  this was getting weird.  she looked up at one point and asked if had made a decision on the formula.  geesh!  again, i almost got up and walked out.  but then something came over me.  i was here to get things for bella.  my friends were planning a shower in her honor and they had asked me to register.  and i would.  this wasn't weird.  this was wonderful.  it is wonderful to be almost 42 years old and registering for my 5th child.  a child for which we have waited over a year.  a child for whom we will travel to the other side of globe. a child for whom an army of friends and family have prayed.    i grabbed the scanner from the registry associate, held my head up high, sucked in my (somewhat) flat belly and marched off to aisle number one.  i was registering for bella!


when i came back to the desk with my scanner and forms there was a young couple sitting nearby - babies r they! i thought.  they had their heads together and he kept rubbing her shoulder. she was quite large with child and this was clearly "their first"  - (you can usually tell).  i was in no way attempting to listen in on their conversation, but i couldn't help but overhear the continuous debate on the graco versus mcclaren stroller.  i couldn't help but overhear when their discussion turned to the color of the highchair and whether it would match their kitchen decor.  the young husband had all sorts of opinions.  he had obviously been doing his research.  i caught them glancing at me a couple of times as i continued to fill out my remaining bubbles and blanks.  me.  42 year old me. no large tummy me.  i looked up and smiled.  i wanted to tell them that i wasn't sure why i was here.  i had four kids at home.  we are way past babies r us.  we are in the big kids section at toys r us nowdays.  but here i was.  debating with myself over stroller styles.  i tried to remember back to when i registered for my first born, emily.  was rick with me? did we pour over our form and our choices like these two?  probably.  perhaps.  all i could think while i sat there was, where has the time gone? my first born starts high school in just a matter of weeks.  i remember so well standing in the sherwin williams in solon ohio and ordering the pink swiss dot wallpaper for emily's nursery. settling on that pattern for her walls seemed paramount.   it had to be perfect.  and it was...until we moved 3 months later.  i remember the creeping quiet fear of what if it is wrong? what if i it just doesn't work?  well, after almost 15 years of parenting, i can say today, that we've made many wrong decisions.  there has been plenty that hasn't worked.  the pink swiss dot wallpaper was just the beginning. but then we move.  then we move on.  that is what i have learned.  without doubt,  it is a sweet time to plan for a child.  there is nothing like it.  expecting bella has been different in many ways from expecting emily.  there are many similarities bewteen adoption and pregnancy.  but it has more to do with birth order.  it is the difference between expecting the first child and  expecting the fifth.  we change.  even if i was registering for a newborn today, i am pretty certain i wouldn't sign up for a baby wipes warmer or a diaper genie.  life just looks different by the 5th.   for instance,  one of my criterion for choosing a carseat was the dark color.  it had to be dark enough to hide the stains of the four other children clambering over it in soccer cleats holding blue slushies..  oh my.  yes, life looks different alright.
so all in all, it was one of those errands that caught me by surprise.  i had planned to rush in and quickly select a few necessities.  i had planned to be quick and efficient - a well seasoned and professional mom.  instead, i spent over an hour roaming aisle after aisle.  i looked at everything.  everything.  do you know that they now sell pacifier cases and special wipes for pacifiers?  what happened to the 5 second rule?   i scanned some pretty cool stuff for bella today....and my ankles weren't swollen, my back didn't ache and i could see my feet...but my heart, well, it was really, really full.

right up to the moon -- and back

dear bella ~

we are on our way.  

today was the day for which we have waited...prayed...hoped and dreamed.   

today we received official travel approval. we are cleared. we are coming.  

july 16th we will leave atlanta georgia and july 19th we will hold you in our arms.  i can't believe we finally have a day. a date. a plan. but we do, oh bella, we do!

july 19th - our gotcha day - is the day for which we now long. it will be a day which will forever hold deep significance for the mcnatt family. we won't ever again hear that date mentioned without attaching it to YOU.  

it is your day. it is our day. it is the day. after all this waiting. we are coming little one.

we found you july 7th, one year ago. God has in His most amazing way orchestrated every detail about this journey and He is faithfully bringing us together. finally.  finally together. we are thrilled. amazed. petrified. humbled.  we are thankful!
  
i came home tonight from a trip out of town and i walked into the room which is also waiting for you.  i sat on the bed which soon will be yours and i looked around your pretty little room. looked at your things --ready and waiting. it's almost overwhelming to think you'll be dancing around in there soon. 

oh, bella,  we are so close.  i can picture your head on the pillow.  your arms around the stuffed cow. your hand upon your daddy's neck. your head upon his shoulder. your hand in mine. we are so close. we are coming little one.

this year we have learned to wait. and it hasn't been easy ... or very pretty. we have not always waited well. at times i have looked at the piles of paperwork and sighed heavily. we have printed copies and signed at X's and posted packages with a deep sense of urgency. i have woken in the middle of the night paniced something was done incorrectly or incompletely or missed entirely. i have even layed my head on the table and wept.  

your brothers and sisters have asked repeatedly,  "when are we going to get her? when is is going to happen? are we there yet?" like antsy children on a long car ride. it has indeed, at times, felt like a long ride. but we have never once doubted the beautiful destination. at the end of this journey was YOU. little you. our sweet bella.   

we are coming little one.

every time i imagine your tiny self in the orphanage,  i imagine Jesus right there with you...holding you. i am not sure i have adequate words to describe what loving a child across oceans feels like. only that it has given me the immeasurable gift of knowing my dependence on the power of God's great holding. i am more certain of it than ever before. He holds you in His hand. He holds even the oceans between us in His hand. they are nothing for Him -- mere drops of water. He holds all. the whole world. as a child i sang, "He has the whole world in His hands, He has the whole wide world in His hands...."  today, i understand these words. we will someday sing this song together. little one, we are coming.

there is this book called guess how much i love you.  i am certain i have read it over a gazillion times to your brothers and sisters when they were small. Little Nutbrown Hare tells Big Nutbrown Hare how much he loves him.  he tells him in his own small and unfathomable terms.   "'i love you right up to the MOON,' he said, and closed his eyes.  'Oh, that's far,' said Big Nutbrown Hare.  'That is very far'...Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, 'I love you right up to the moon -- and back.'"  bella, we love you right up to the moon -- and back.  and soon, very soon, we will whisper those words in your tiny ear. i am leaving this book by your bed.  it will be there when you come home and we will read it a gazillion more times.  together.  

we are coming little one. we are coming.

love ~ your mom

nourishment

it is not everyday we find a brightly wrapped gift on our front porch.  but this evening in the middle of watering  plants along the front walk (pretty much a lost cause in atlanta's heat) i looked up and spotted a package. bringing the box inside,  i opened the attached card while the two younger kids, in christmas morning fashion, tore into the wrapping.  as i was lost in the words of the note, i heard connor's voice read aloud, "elec-tron-ic rice coo-ker...WE GOT AN ELECTRONIC RICE COOKER!"   it sort of reminded me of the scene from a christmas story movie when the leg lamp arrives.  such excitement.  such thrill.  such delight over a package.  it didn't matter that a rice cooker wasn't at the top of the kids' wish list...we got one! ... and it came wrapped and it was at our door and we were surprised and presents are good!  and there it was sitting on our kitchen counter...our very own electronic rice cooker! we were all smiling and nodding and admiring it.  but it was the note... it was the note attached that elevated this gift from a nice surprise to a priceless treasure.

           Dear Bella Grace,  It's time for you to come home!  There is a wonderful family awaiting your arrival with anticipation and joy.  You will just love them. They have been preparing a place for you. This family loves you -- just because you are you!  The Lord has given this family a love for you because He values you and has ordained your life to bring Him glory before the creation of the world.   This Lord will provide for all your needs, Bella, for He is the Bread of Life.  Just as rice nourishes your little body, He and He alone will nourish your soul into eternity.  There's a whole family/community behind this beautiful family also anticipating meeting you, encouraging you and watching you grow.  Be blessed little one!  With Love from ~ The Michael Family
 
       "For the bread of God is He who comes down from heaven
       and gives life to the world....
      I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry
      and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."  ~   John 6: 33-25 

i've seen bottle warming devices and diaper genies given with the addition of a new child, but never a rice cooker.  i love that.  i absolutely love that one of bella's first gifts is this rice cooker.  priscilla's beautiful note says it all.   it is the perfect gift.   i also love the complete practicality of it.  whereas emily and i have been snatching up cute clothing with wild fashion abandon....filling bella's waiting closet and drawers with the latest must haves, i haven't thought much about my cooking methodology for a child coming from china. i mean we weren't going to start her right away on chic-fil-a...but i am pretty certain at some point she will have her first waffle fry and nugget while riding in the backseat to some older sibling's game or lesson or appointment. my sweet friend priscilla, however, has filled in this gap.  God amazes us with the way He continually uses our friends to be His Body and His Hands to our family.  long before hillary ever started talking about villages and children...God had it all figured out.  He knows what it takes.  He has always known what it takes to raise babies, adopt children and expand families.  He has it covered. completely.  the beauty of this completeness never, never ceases to amaze me.  i bet you didn't know a rice cooker could be associated with such rich symbolism.  but...this one, THIS rice cooker, THIS electronic rice cooker sitting on our counter IS.  and even on the days when the rice is sticky or burned (hoping this will help my rice cooking) i will remember this gift of nourishment and this continual and beautiful gift of community. 

for every bird a nest

For every bird a nest --
Wherefore in timid quest

Some little Wren goes seeking round --

Wherefore when boughs are free --

Households in every tree --

Pilgrim be found?

Perhaps a home too high --

Ah Aristocracy!

The little Wren desires --

Perhaps of twig so fine --

Of twine e'en superfine,

Her pride aspires --

The Lark is not ashamed

To build upon the ground
Her modest house --

Yet who of all the throng

Dancing around the sun

Does so rejoice?

      ~ emily dickinson

  
  a treasure i found while working in the yard this morning. 

 simple.  beautiful. wonderful. 

what is there about a nest which speaks of God's provision...

His design...His beauty...even His plans?

   
 "the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it." 

                      ~ psalm 24:1

serendipity

serendipity.  i first heard that word as a young girl.  i remember thinking, "i will add this to my list of favorite words."  it sits in the same category as the beautiful words, "bubble, loquacious, gossamer, effervescent, giggle and hippopotamus."  come on, agree with me,  these are words worth remembering.  words worth pronouncing.  you simply cannot say the word "hippopotamus" and not smile.  go ahead...try.  see, i am right on this.  serendipty. definition: "surprised by joy." i love that.  who doesn't like being surprised....especially by joy? serendipity is the act of discovering something delightful when not looking.  today was a serendipitous day.  i had been out in the yard transplanting grass.  yes, grass.   i was actually grumbling under my breath about the fact that grass can grow like gangbusters in places you don't want....but then is downright obstinate about thriving in those places you DO want it.  i came in from the yard sweaty and hot, dirt caked under my nails and in my shoes. while i was getting something to drink (and still muttering about grass) i remembered an email i was supposed to send.  i turned on the computer and... BAM! serendipity! there it was, this email and these pictures.  there SHE was...this face....this smile.  there on the screen her little pink shoes and her tiny rosebud lips and her enormous dark eyes.  and yes, even her sideburns (note to self:  pick up a good pair of hair cutting sheers before leaving for china).  oh my.  surprised by joy!  i sat and just soaked it in. soaked and soaked and soaked.  i drank in her little hand holding the rail.  i drank in the curve of her chin, the glimmer in her eye, the thickness of her hair.   my only thought:  THIS is the child we are going to get soon.  THIS is the tiny girl we will have running through the hallways of our home.  THIS is the child for which we have prayed.  THIS is our daughter, our sister, our girl.  oh friends, i cannot tell you.  i may love the word serendipity...but it is not nearly enough.  on my long list of beautiful words, i cannot come up with any combination that can do justice to the song in my heart.  though we have tried repeatedly to get information on bella, we've had nothing.  no reports.  no pictures.  nothing since last november.  getting these photos on a monday morning, dirty nails and all, is just a most precious gift. 

rick and i were so encouraged by how healthy she looks.  just to see her outdoors is an amazing thing.  the last picture we have of her shows her behind the bars of a crib, bundled up in a coat four times her size.  there was a puddle of water underneath her crib.  today we saw sunshine on her face.   these pictures are filled with firsts.  we've never seen her stand.  we've never seen her smile. we've never seen her outdoors.  i know these are little things...but when your child is on the other side of the world these little things grow enormous.  and enormous is the gift of these pictures.  enormous is the song in my heart. enormous is my gratitude....and enormous is our anticipation in bringing her home soon. 

"my heart LEAPS FOR JOY and i will give

 thanks to Him in song!"  ~ psalm 28:7

connor's list

it was just a normal, busy day.  i was in the yard planting flowers when connor walked out of the house with this list in hand.  he wouldn't let me read it, but insisted that he read it to me.  he is 7 and just at the end of first grade.  his penmanship and spelling aren't perfect.  but this list had nothing to do with academics.  this list was an outpouring of his heart.  it made me laugh.  it made me cry.  it was completely from his perspective.  i had never once thought about bella and jello....or bella on jet skis.  but these were the things connor thought of...this is a little part of the way he is already connected to her. i don't know how exactly all that happens.  i can't explain how our family already has this deep connection to a child we haven't seen.  it's a God thing.  that's it.  there's absolutey no other possibility.  it's a God thing...and it's very much a good thing. 
....and i can't wait to watch connor introduce his new baby sister to mac and cheese and "gumyse." 

nesting

i spent the day moving things from here to there. 

important stuff like placing random crayons back into the crayon box. separating pencils and pens from the general fray of the junk drawer.  closets were emptied and reorganized.  papers were shuffled and tossed.  puzzle pieces reunited with their correct boxes.  that kind of thing.

there are now piles heading to goodwill and piles heading to the growing garbage heap.  cushions were removed. couches were cleaned. clothes were sorted.  i've seen this kind of behavior before.  four times to be exact.   

i am nesting.  

i am readying the nest for a new addition. it's what we mamas just do when the time draws close. it is our instinct.  and i do my very best to use this extra, innate energy to the fullest.

the nest is definitely more in need of readying as we add the fifth than it was adding the first child.   truth be told, the nest has gotten a little out of hand lately.   i still can't get over how similar adoption is to a pregnancy. i am officially in my third trimester, i suppose.  i have arrived at that scary place where my husband just shakes his head and answers, "yes, dear... sure, honey...whatever you say, sweetheart." (i really like this part of the deal).  i keep reminding him i've asked for no late night cheeseburgers or cartons of mint chocolate chip. but we have clearly entered that final month of waiting.  her room is ready. and i am in the process of getting everything else ready.  i am making lists of items we need.  i am making lists of things to be done.  i am making lists.  

i guess somewhere in the back of my mind, i believe that everything will be smoother if EVERYthing is in place.  come on jody, i tell myself, when is EVERYthing ever in place in a family of six?  impossible.  we live in a constant state of movement. we are always in search of that elusive roll of scotch tape...always on the hunt for shoes...always hunting for socks which match and finding spoons buried in the garden.  

that is life with four children.  

this is not a magazine layout, folks -- nowhere close! but, nonetheless, i spend countless hours preparing. i find myself up in her closet touching her clothing...rearranging toddler items...imagining her in the bath tub.  recently i had a vision of her on our driveway.  not really a vision.  (at least not in the preternatural sense -- thankfully).  just a picture of her.  a picture of bella drawing with sidewalk chalk.  

can you see it?  

i can.  

i see a sibling or two around her showing her, demonstrating, modeling.  i am pretty certain she has never drawn on a driveway.  i am pretty certain even a driveway is a completely foreign idea.  some of you stop me in the hallways of our church or in the aisles of the market to tell me you are getting so excited about her near arrival.  i ran into my friend, allison, at school this morning and she hugged me saying she she can't believe we are getting so close.  "i have chill bumps on my arms!" she said and showed them to me.  indeed, there they were.  

chill bumps or goosebumps for a little girl in china - oh, how wonderful.  

last night at a school meeting, my friend, beverly, brought me a few more sweet dresses she is passing down from her daughter, lilia.  dresses for bella.  she had been carrying them around and wanted to make sure i got them.  they are now hanging in bella's closet.  ready for wearing.  we both think the yellow gingham will be perfect on her.  oh, we know there is much ahead that is hard and challenging and demanding, but i am so thankful that God provides these tender moments to linger in a closet or hug a friend or picture a little girl on a driveway with a fistful of pink chalk.   

God is allowing me these rose-colored pictures as encouragement.   He knows i know enough to be more than intimidated by bringing home a child with a heart condition.  but, He is not allowing me to set down too long in that overwhelming place.  He is encouraging the sunlight.  He is encouraging the sweetness.  He is encouraging the beauty that will be ours -- regardless.  i am so very thankful.  

isn't it amazing how He has created that little something in women that causes us to prepare for a new child? that is simply and truly a thing of beauty.  of course it is also rather practical.  i'd hate it if i was steeped in lethargy right now.  i am in need of this little boost of energy and, by golly, i'm making the most of it.

my friend, kelly, stopped over unexpectedly one night this week.  she handed me a box.  inside was of all things A NEST.   it is just the sweetest thing.  placed within this nest are 5 sort of egg shaped rocks.  on each rock is engraved the names of our children -- including bella!  oh my, i could just cry!  it is downright breathtaking.  i have it in the kitchen right now and look at it often.   i know my children think this bird thing is getting out of hand.  they probably wonder if i am slowly replacing them all with bird paraphenalia.  one day emily counted "bird items" around the house.  in protection of my children's privacy, i won't publish the number.  they probably think i am headed for the crazy-cat-lady-house.  maybe.  but for a woman who loves a theme -- well, i'm kind of tickled.   just for the record, i realize this story isn't about THE NEST.  no, not one bit.  bella will come home and i guarantee there will be dishes in the sink and laundry on the floor.  the nest will most likely have unidentifiable smudges on windows and soap scum in the showers.  because that's our life, no matter how hard we work to get it all ready, our nest is a bit of a mess.  

a mess, yes.  but blessed. 

and when she comes home our nest will be full.

caution! bird's worms - do not eat!

baby birds were literally dropping from the sky.  it was a windy day, storms were quickly approaching.  while rick and the children worked in the yard, the trees blew hard.  large branches, leaves, and twigs pelted our lawn.  unfortunately,  baby birds were tossed down as well. what exactly do you do with itty bitty birds fallen from high nests?  of course we knew not to handle them much...i repeated the warning i had heard as a child, "a mother bird will not return if a human hand touches her baby."  as a little girl, i remember thinking, "are you kidding me?  what kind of mother is that?"  i have always had sort of a tender nook in my heart for needy wildlife.  my mother tells stories of me hiding sick rabbits in shoe boxes deep in my closet, with the hope of nursing them back to health. as a child,  i walked each day a few blocks to school with my friend and classmate, larry bocci.  in our early elementary days we were known to drag home a variety of injured or distressed animals ( i.e, roadkill).  we also were the ones to bring home broken beer bottles (because they were pretty) and even one january a discarded and dried out christmas tree (because i couldn't fathom anyone wanting to throw away their christmas tree).
    so here we were with some baby birds placed in bushes around our yard.  we hoped they would make it back into their nests if we just left them alone.  we hoped if we kept the cats indoors these little creatures might have a chance.  monday morning dawned and the rain came hard and fierce.  before school tyler and i realized one of the baby birds was still on the front grass, not well protected from the driving rain.   in his school uniform he ran out and moved it underneath a bush.  this bush could only provide so much protection, however. between our cats and the neighbor cats, it was only a matter of time before this baby would be discovered.  so yesterday we came to the conclusion that we would have to start providing for it ourselves.  my children needed no convincing.  worms were dug up.  water was brought out, and eventually a little bed was created in a protected cage.  sarah elizabeth begged me to consider allowing it to live in her room in the decorative white wooden cage on her dresser.   she reminded me of another little girl from long ago.   we finally settled on a corner of the deck.  i knew she'd be in good hands with my third child.  this is the same child that announced as a tiny girl, "don't read me that bird book again, mama!"  you know the one.  p.d. eastman's "are you my mother?"  yes, the one where the baby bird is left alone and has to travel around town in search of his mother.   the mother does return...she was only gone in search of food for her birdie...but, nonetheless, whether 4 or 40 it is a tear jerker.

   last night i returned from a school meeting to find holes in my yard and flower beds. i had a moment of frustration - that was newly planted grass...and those flowers hadn't been there very long either.  but i had to laugh when i walked into the kitchen and found this note taped to the backsplash above a plastic container, "caution! bird's worms - do not eat!"  apparently sarah is well aware that her siblings eat everything and anything in the kitchen and could, perhaps, be tempted by the clear container of dirt and wiggling worms.   the children are now hand feeding this sweet baby.  it eagerly opens its little mouth waiting for its dinner.  this morning tyler and i were up quite early.  we sat at the kitchen window and watched as the mother returned with a mouth full of worms. she hadn't forgotten her baby!  human hands had been all over this little feathered gal and yet the mama returned.  i just knew it had always been an old wives tale...something i was told in order to keep the chaos level (and pet level) under control.  tyler and i sat and watched in great wonder.  this mother now sits on a limb off to the side of our deck and has been there ever since.  we are going to have to release this little friend soon.  we know that.  she doesn't belong with us, but we are so glad she's been here to visit. we also know how this might end.  we have cats.  we have had more than our share of nature and its sometimes brutal endings. and yes, i even have holes in my yard and worms on my counter, but i am certain they are worth the sweet memories in our hearts.

unhealthy hearts

today i scheduled bella's cardiac consult appointment.  this is the second time i have had to schedule this.  last august i made the call thinking we would possibly have her by january 2010.  i had to cancel that one.  the day i called and told them we just wouldn't have her that early, my voice cracked. they were pleasant and sweet and told me to reschedule when we were closer to getting her.  so now with our LOA in hand,  i called.  i've never been particularly good at scheduling appointments for the four, healthy kids living in our home.  scheduling one for a daughter i have not yet held, was unbelievably strange.  we have a date though:  friday morning, july 16th.  it may be cutting it close...there's a chance i'll have to push it back again.  but not months...maybe just a week or two...not months.  i am sure.  i hung up the phone and prayed, "Lord, let this one be right."  let us walk into that cardiologist's office on a sunny, summer, friday morning.  let us Lord.  please, let us.  let this be the day when we finally have some information on our little girl.  right now we know so little.  sometimes i just cannot wrap my brain around the fact that we have a tiny girl waiting on the other side of the world.  a tiny girl who had open heart surgery last july.  a tiny girl with a serious medical condition but in an orphanage which hasn't allowed us even the most scant update.  all we know is "she hasn't had to go back to the doctor."  she wouldn't be taken unless there was something blatantly wrong.  well, that's a blessing....but in our country where well visits and specialists and preventive medicine is the norm...i realize how far apart our worlds really are. the nurse asked me to list the problems with her heart.  i started to recite words and terms which are now a part of my vocabulary.  i listed the three different conditions with her heart and when i asked her if she wanted more information, she paused and then answered, "umm...no...i've run out of room to write."  i faltered for a moment.  this IS a lot.  i looked at the file on the kitchen counter and at all the long, hard to pronounce names and i felt my own heart skip a beat.  i felt that breathlessness which sometimes hits me in small waves of anxiety.  we've had people ask us if we "really know what adopting a child from another country with special needs will look like."  our answer:  no.  we don't.   we've read articles and books. we've been counseled. we've done the coursework and  the videos and the etc... but truth be told,  we really don't know. we can't possibly know.  we've also had numerous people remark how eager we must be to get her to america so that she can have good medical care.  so that her heart can be monitored ...fixed...repaired...healed.   oh yes. of course we are eager.  of course we will want to seek out the best care available.  of course we are thrilled to be living in a city like atlanta which has all sorts of tremendous options.  but....i have to tell you, there's more to this picture.  bringing bella to america to fix her broken heart is part of it.  yes.   but here's the deal...if you ask us what really is most exciting about adopting this child and bringing her home, it is the chance she will have to hear someday about the eternal healing of her heart.   are you following?  yes, she will come and receive good medical care for her physical, earthly, temporary heart.  but even more so,  this child will come and hear about Jesus, the lover of her heart.  she will hear about Jesus, the healer of broken hearts.  she will hear about Jesus and have the chance to know Him and His eternal healing.  i have tried to put words to this in the past.  it is almost impossible.  adoption is such the picture of our relationship with Christ.  He adopts us into His kingdom.  we are absolutely helpless and hopeless without Him. we have no advocate, no means, nothing to bring, no thing to offer.  but He chooses us and brings us home.  as broken people, we are all in need of some good heart-fixing.  we are all in need of some major restoration and repair whether we live in china or america.   i am amazed that God chose for us this little girl with an unhealthy heart.   really these words are not sufficient to express the joy i feel when i think about the way our God works to show His great love and His great glory.  i have written about this passage - isaiah 61- in other posts, but it just keeps coming back to me.  it is the very picture of rescue....it is the picture of how God rescues us and tenderly places upon our heads a Crown of Beauty....how He covers our sad situations with the Oil of Gladness and a Garment of Praise....how he binds up our brokenness...and proclaims freedom and release....

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners....

to comfort all who mourn...

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair." 

~ isaiah 61

an early LOA and a little humble pie

my phone rang.  i recognized our adoption agent's number.  it must be josh.  why would he be calling?  uh-oh, what is wrong? i thought...
  "jody, i have great news!" he said immediately.  "great news...i can't even believe this, but your LOA is back early.  much earlier than expected." 
  "what? are you kidding me?" i was stunned.  we had just this past week come to terms with the fact that we were still possibly a month away from receiving this LOA.   i, too, couldn't believe it.
   "that's awesome, great, unbelievable...wow..." i stumbled through my excitement, not really knowing what to say.  i could feel the smile stretch across my face.  i could feel the increased beat of my heart and the joy spreading to the tips of my toes. this was big.  and i knew it.
   josh continued, "average wait time on this is typically 60+ days...yours came back in 29 days.  i don't know why. i am not sure we've ever had one come back this early.  it's crazy.  this actually puts you a month ahead of where we thought you'd be."
   "josh, i know.  i can't believe it...but in a way i can.   do you know the hundreds of people praying for bella right now?" i replied.
just last week josh had told me because of the timing, we probably wouldn't be getting bella until end of summer or early fall.  we had been hoping all along for early summer, convinced that bringing her home before we were into another busy school year would be best.  i grew panicy at the thought of leaving our crazy household in august as emily started high school and the other three resumed their hectic schedules.  i asked people to pray specifically that this would speed up.  the very night before the phone call, while tyler was praying at bedtime, he asked God to move things along more quickly.   only a few days ago in my last blog entry (just the facts mam), i wrote about how our dates added up to a later travel time but declared we would pray "earnestly and expectantly" for an earlier date.  crazy.  i would like to say that this was our faith. i would like to write that we prayed with complete faith God would indeed move things along....that  we prayed expectantly as we are instructed to do.  but i would be lying.  i typed that phrase, yes.  i said those words, yes.  but i can tell you it was probably more just a plea than it was a statement of my strong belief.  i am sure on the inside i was thinking more along the lines of, "well...we'll pray this way, but we know nothing goes quickly in the world of adoption.  we know that smooth is not usually the descriptive adjective used...we know most things come back late, not early."  i typed "earnestly and expectantly", but truthfully, i felt half hearted and doubtful.
when i got the call this week from josh i experienced disbelief and great joy.  soon after though,  i had an intense moment of embarrassment.  i had doubted God.   deep in my heart i had doubted God, the Savior and Father of bella grace.   i doubted the God who has been delivering people from darkness and imprisonment for thousands of years. God who parted the red sea.  God who provided manna in the wilderness. God who protected daniel in the lions' den.  God who walked on water. God who multiplied fish and bread. God who has rescued me from great darkness.   what could i say?  once again, completely humbled that He would choose to work through this adoption teaching me even more Great is His Faithfulness.  our children recognized it immediately.  they knew prayers had been answered.  there didn't have to be a reason for our LOA to come back so quickly.  it came back quickly because God heard their prayers. God hears their prayers.  their faith is simple.  my thoughts were centering on china and the government and the system and all of its miles of red tape.  i hadn't factored in a our miraculous and all powerful God.   i hadn't factored in that for a God who moves moutains this piece of paper was nothing.
so with that lesson learned, we go forward.  we now have about 60 days until we will receive our TA (travel approval).  if things continue to move along, we will most likely be heading to china sometime at the end of june or early july. we are thrilled.   not because we convinced God of our timing...but because we are convinvced that His timing is perfect.   as i stated in the last entry, "He knows the very day we will walk in that orphanage and hold our bella for the first time."  we will continue to pray earnestly and expectantly....and we will.

just the facts mam!

my original intention with this blog was to keep everyone updated on the very latest concerning our adoption of bella grace.  but as is usual with me, words get in the way.  why say something short and sweet when i can elaborate, elongate and extenuate. why skip down a succint path when i can travel a more circuitous route. even my 12 year old son recently told me, "mom, you could turn anything into a story."  i am pretty sure he wasn't paying me a compliment.  if you've been reading my blog for very long you are, by now, quite certain i was the student who always ran over in her essays and long in her explanations.  i was constantly told in red slashing marks to condense and cut and curtail.  when i finally stood in front of my own english students, i formed a new appreciation for the direct writer.  it took only grading my first batch of essays from my 125 students before i realized that words were perhaps a bit overrated. as my weekends were filled with piles of papers and containers of red pens, i secretly began to dread those students who suffered from my own disease: excessive-wordiness.  they were inadvertently keeping me buried in piles of paperwork.   in my years as a high school teacher i had countless opportunities to write in bold red letters the authoritative phrases, "be more concise"...."get to the point"...."too wordy!"  recently, i even had a former student of mine remind me of this fact on facebook.  but perhaps i've been out of the classroom too long,  because here we are in the ninth month of our adoption journey and though i have expelled thousands of words on the subject of bella and her adoption i realize it is not always clear where exactly we are in the process. if you are a person who prefers bullet points to paragraphs then you will appreciate this admission and my renewed effort to every once in a while produce only the facts (mam).  

 the facts, definitions and timeline:
* DOSSIER - (a large and comprehensive file that contains everything possible about our adoption and our family...i am certain they have included the fact that the mcnatt family prefers jif to skippy...seriously.) the dossier was sent at the end of february to the CCAA (children's center for adoption affairs) in china.


* LID - (Log in Date):  march 17, 2010 - this is the date that the dossier was officially logged into china's adoption system.


* LOA - (Letter of Approval):  we are waiting for this date when we will be officially approved by china and officially matched to bella grace.  as of today, april 13, we were told that we are still probably 3 weeks away. we were "pre-approved" last july...but that has little to do with our actual approval.


* Final Immigration - once that LOA arrives we will apply once more to the CIS for immigration with the US government.  this time around we are applying for bella grace to be granted approval to come to the US.  that process typically takes 2-3 months for approval.


* TA (Travel Approval) - once final immigration is finished we will receive our TA.  at this point we will have a specific timeframe of when we will be heading to china to get our bella.
 
though these dates seem to add up to an early fall travel time....we are praying earnestly and expectantly that summer is a possibility.  our adoption agent still believes that a late july or early august timeframe is within reach. 


we know God has this all figured out.  we trust that He knows the very date... the very hour that rick and i will walk into that orphanage and hold bella in our arms for the very first time.  He planned it long ago.  He planned it before we even knew about bella...before we even knew we were going to adopt.  isn't that amazing?
but...because i am human and struggle a bit with issues of control...   i have made sure He knows how strongly i believe summer to be our best option.   i have explained countless times to Him that the fall would be a little more challenging.  i have pointed out how crazy our august could be with emily starting high school and volleyball and the other children preparing for a new school year, not to mention this is our child and each day apart feels stolen.   i have made it pretty clear what i think is perfect timing.   i have done my very best to be persuasive.   i know...pathetic.  i am just being honest here. will i ever learn to walk fully behind Him with arms wide open and the plans and schemes of my own heart put aside.   i don't know.  i am trying.  i am really trying.  but even my trying amounts to nothing much without Him.   


okay, so that's it.  that was the best i can do.  i realize that i probably have still exceeded the word limit and that those bullet points are surrounded with lengthy paragraphs...
but...well...i tried.   what can i say?

smooshed squirrels and sunday afternoons

 it was a sunday afternoon and we were heading home from church.  instead of bickering about who sat in which seat...instead of debating who would eat the last slice of pizza for lunch....instead of poking our sibling or sassing our mother....we were actually having a nice, calm, and even tender, conversation about our adoption of bella.  but then it happened. we were speeding along the quiet road just minutes from our street when that poor, unfortunate squirrel froze a few feet ahead of our suv.  we all screamed. we all winced.  we all cringed.   we all looked behind our car to see nothing more than a wisp of fluffy tail fluttering in the breeze of our yukon.   rick, the guilty driver, quickly pleaded his case.  "he zigged when he should have zagged!" was the best he could come up with.  not good enough for our car load of children.  actually, our 12 year old son was very much on his dad's side, agreeing that the squirrel, lacking poor judgment, was clearly the one at fault.  connor, age 7, though, was not to be easily consoled.  he immediately listed all dad's other atrocities against small animals in the road which he has apparently had opportunity to witness - some of which i wasn't even aware.   so much for our sweet and tender conversation.  this was real life:  running over squirrels and arguing over the last slices of pizza.  these are some of the things that just make our family normal and real.  these are things that remind us of who we are even in the sweet story of our adoption.
      you see, it is particularly amusing to me because just that very morning at church a video was shown during the sermon. this video portrayed a family which seemed to be fully relying on God...fully in pursuit of His will for their lives....fully trusting...fully faithful...fully together.   funny what a little bit of editing can do.  the children were smiling brightly as the video began.  the parents seemed somewhat poised and spoke calmly and with conviction.  this family told the story of God's calling them to the adoption of a two year old girl in China.  but what the video didn't show was that just prior to filming the children were aruging over breakfast cereals...the mother was barking orders while in a cleaning frenzy (you just never know what corners they might catch on tape)...the father was attempting to keep peace and wondering when he might be able to get to his saturday "to do" list.  the video didn't show how i pondered deeply over the great issues of my hairstyle and outfit.  the video didn't show how just a few nights prior i was up in the early hours of morning asking...begging... God for greater peace. it didn't mention that sometimes i find myself wondering how in the world we will add one more child into an already ridiculously bustling household.  the video didn't show the moments when i can't catch my breath or feel that icy grip of panic run down my arms.   that family in the video was us. sitting in the balcony at church it was sort of strange watching the six of us up on the screen...larger than life. to be honest, it was a bit unsettling.  i recognized us, but, somehow, it all looked very polished. we are not a polished kind of family.  just like that smooshed squirrel behind us on the road, we have these intensely messy moments in our lives and in this story.  there was not one word we spoke in that taped video which wasn't true.  we meant everything we said.   but we would be remiss if we didn't share how much struggle and challenge and chaos also plays along behind the scenes.  doing a video was easy (well, sort of).   just before they started filming on that saturday morning a month ago, i remember thinking, they will just edit out anything i mess up on...any place i stumble or stutter.  i knew that with just the touch of a button they could easily gloss over any mistakes made or words misspoken.  even as the camera crew was packing up and saying goodbye, matthew, the producer reminded me that he would edit it down to only about 4 to 6 minutes.  they had taken about 25 minutes of tape...certainly there had to be something they could use.
      so in comparison to real life,  video stories are pretty easy.  i'm glad we did it.  we were honored to have a small part in such a powerful message given that morning. we are thrilled God might use our story to bring awareness to the epidemic issues of the lonely.  we did a video and will do whatever it takes to help spread this message of great need.  and because there are always squirrels crossing in front of us, we will be reminded that this is a messy business.  raising our biological children or adopting from china...all of it comes with struggle and challenge and panic.  we can't always press a button and erase the times we blunder terribly. we cannot gloss over much of it.  but, regardless of our mess, God continues to write the story and He continues to walk with us.  He isn't asking us to be perfectly poised or calm or even ready.  He doesn't care one bit about which hairstyle or outfit we choose. He isn't asking for all our ducks (or children, for that matter) to be lined up in straight and strategic rows.  He is only asking us to be willing.  just willing. only willing.

made in china

"made in china," connor read out loud from the backseat.  he had just torn open his dollar store gun and handcuff set. "mom, everything seems to be made in china, doesn't it?" 
"yes buddy," i replied.  "it sure does."
"i kind of like that mom. you know why, mom?"
"no connor, why?"  i asked a little hesitantly.  for a kid who just turned 7 he comes up with some pretty out-of-the-box stuff every now and then, so i could only imagine where he was taking this conversation. of course he didn't disappoint me.
"i like that because every time i read it i think of baby zuzu. and i sure do read that a  whole lot."
i did my best to continue driving as the tears crept to the corners of my eyes. 
"yes, connor, i like that a lot too. i had never thought about it, but your right that is good." 
"yep, it reminds me of her because she's made in china too!" he said cheerfully and with a self-approving chuckle. "and just like all of these things we have that come from china, she'll be here soon."


a plastic, dollar store, gun set.  a toy i somehow got talked into.  a purchase really quite unnecessary. an item which surely will be broken or misplaced within hours.
...but today a conversation which an anxiously waiting mom really needed.