Tuesday, May 29, 2012

the TO DO list

i woke up early on this first official day of summer.  the school year is over, the parties have ended, and our out-of-town guests have gone home. we have not one immediate thing planned for this final tuesday in may, this first tuesday of summer -- not one thing at all.  a part of me wants to sit in my pajamas and sip lukewarm coffee for hours on end. maybe make pancakes and leave the dirty plates on the table.  you know the kind of day where we don't brush our teeth until lunchtime and might not even get to our hair.  that kind of day.

that's what i want.

but when i crossed over the great divide of busy school year and stepped slowly into summer this morning, i woke with the sense that there's much to do.  i should make a list.  yes, i told myself, a list would help -- keep me on task and focused and moving forward.  i have about a thousand things which i promised to "get to" this week.  in the past month of the great school-year-wrap-up, i was continuously shoving things into the save pile.  continuously pushing appointments and communication and decisions into the "look at it later" file.  and so now here i am in the middle of that later.  and what's a gal to do at this stage in the game, but to make a glorious TO DO list and begin her determined-woman plan of attack.

that's what i did.

a long, excruciatingly detailed list of everything which i have for so long put off.  this list with all of its grievances and annoyances and nuances -- this list which i cannot ignore for too many minutes more without serious repercussions.  oh, this list.  that list. the TO DO list helps.  it will make me more efficient and effectual in my day...my week...my summer.  but as i put down my pen and look at those 36 items neatly numbered on pretty paper, all i can think is, "is this what i am really supposed to be doing?"  i can sit here this morning on the cusp of lovely summertime and write out a list detailing the mundane, but why am i not using my morning dreaming something more marvelous?  i have these quiet hours before small (and actually, rather big) feet come pattering down the stairwell, and i am using my brain to plot out appointments and grocery items.  and what keeps running through my head is this thought:  i know i have stuff to do.  i cannot escape that.  try as i may, i can't hide from the menial tasks and necessary to dos of everyday living.  but, for heaven's sake jody, carve out the time to write down the bigger stuff...the dreams and desires God stirs in my heart -- when i take time to hear Him.  what does God really want at the top of my TO DO list? i am pretty sure, though He is okay with me registering a child for a sport's camp or calling a repairman, what He really wants is me to be listening and looking to the list He has for my life.   what does He want me to do?

that's what i need.

i wasn't kidding
i know i have to make lists. i have practical things pressing at me from all sides.  in fact,  i have an oven door this morning, hanging by a thread and some duct tape (the spring just decided to break over the weekend).  i know i have to make lists about veterinarian and pediatrician visits...but what i really want is to know the bigger lists God has already written for me...for my family.  i want to enjoy the simple tasks of my day with a heart beating wildly to embrace the larger, harder, deeper tracks of my life.  they all go together.  small-big. simple-complex. shallow-deep.

that's what i think you want too.

i am pretty sure we are all wired this way.  i might be an odd woman, but i am not a woman standing alone in this.  whether you are a list maker or not, you are a fellow traveler with TO DO type items trailing behind you --swirling around you.  and this morning...on this lovely, start-of-summer morning,  can we ask ourselves and ask the Creator and the Writer of the morning and the summer and the lists, "what am i really supposed to be doing?"

i know we all have places to go and appointments to keep and mouths to feed and dogs to groom and letters to mail and errands to run...these are the unavoidable details of humble living...grateful breathing.  but can we...shouldn't we...might we...make a list on this sweet morning of summer's edge and listen to His voice.  what has God put on your heart that is hiding behind all of the stuff you have put on your list?  that's a great question for summer's gracious start.  and when you ask, get ready to write, for i know He will answer. because...

that's what He does. 

"call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."   
~ jeremiah 33:3

Saturday, May 26, 2012

asking. speaking. listening. trusting.


this has been one of those weeks which would be pretty hard to sum up.  a week rather difficult to wrap up.    it is friday night and i'm in bed early.  the hamster wheel has finally stopped spinning and no one seems to need me.  no one is calling. nothing is pressing.  sure there are piles of life in some state of disrepair...dishes in the sink...baskets of laundry...random stuff out of order...children to tuck into their beds.  but for the most part i'm done.  the week is winding down.  slowly. softly. quietly. finally.

but as i sit here typing, i'm pretty sure, as much as i'd like some rest, i don't want it to all be over. i don't want it really to end.  this was the final week of school for my kids.  yesterday my children walked through the doors of perimeter for their last time as pcs students and last night tyler walked across a stage and received his 8th grade diploma -- officially graduating from a place we've all called home for many years.  this week brought with it the end of a chapter.  the end of our time in a world which has impacted our family in a way i can't possibly put to words.


last week i underwent an unexpected surgery removing a mass from my breast.  this week another type of cutting.  another type of removal.  another type of pain.  saying good bye to a school, to a people, to an extraordinary place in time.  we aren't leaving officially until mid july, but for us, the school bell in georgia won't ring again....and this is unbelievably hard.  harder than i thought it could be.  certainly much harder than i want it to be.


i think i did a pretty good job this week keeping myself numb and together and slightly aloof. i  did my very best to keep the emotions in check and the tears at bay.  it wasn't easy.  but it was one of those weeks where i felt like i had no other choice but to be tough.  it was one of those weeks where i was certain if i started to cry, i wouldn't be able to stop. have you ever felt that way?  it isn't all bad.  i mean so much of what brings me to this sharp pinnacle of emotion is the pure joy and blessing of it all.  watching my 14 year old son, arm in arm with his childhood friends, young boys turning the corner into young men.  it was watching my sarah up on stage with her best girlfriends in her final talent show act at perimeter school singing and dancing to "we go together."  it was connor running to meet me yesterday afternoon with flushed cheeks, his last time wearing a pcs uniform, slightly rumpled and kind of dirty, of course.  those uniforms have been hanging in our closets and folded in our laundry room and discarded dirty on our bedroom floors for a decade now.  there were so many sweet moments this week as we wrapped up our school year and our time at perimeter.  too many to count.  words and hugs and hands held tightly.  the searing beautiful slice to my soul --  we love and we are loved.  is there anything greater?
ty introducing his mom at graduation 


in the midst of watching my oldest son graduate i also had the distinct privilege of being the commencement speaker last night.  i got the call a couple of weeks ago from the committee,  "jody, the class voted and they'd like you to speak at graduation." i was stunned with that news. as i shared last night with the audience, my first reaction was to get all weepy...but that quickly turned into feeling like i just might throw up.  i wasn't sure i could do this. i mean i knew this class well and loved them deeply, but speaking seemed an impossibility on a night like this, in a week like this, at a time like this.  i wasn't sure i would be able to get through the evening as just the proud mother of tyler, let alone take on the task of addressing these 79 teenagers and an auditorium full of their families.  i was overwhelmed. i mean it,  completely overwhelmed with the thought.  but, because i am a strange woman, i said yes.   "i'll do it. i'd be honored."


24 hours after saying "yes", i found out that i'd need not only to prepare that week for a speech, but also for a surgery.  i saw my breast surgeon tuesday and he delivered the untimely punch that he'd like to remove a troublesome mass (potentially scar tissue - but had to be sure) from my breast and he wanted to do it right away.  i would need to fit that into these final two weeks of school's ending, graduation planning and speech writing.  so as i sat there in his office digesting this news, my thoughts kind of went like this: "okay, so now i truly have an "out"...everyone will surely understand if i pass this opportunity by and hand off the speaking responsibility to someone else.  surely there is someone else not juggling a quick surgery and biopsy results a week prior to graduation. just call them back and tell them, sorry, i can't do it."  i talked to myself like this from the doctor's office all the way to my car.  and as i began to pull out of the parking garage i wasted no time in going directly to God.  i had barely paid my ticket when i started in with my words,  "tell me what to do, Lord...be clear...tell me what you're up to...  give me an answer fast Jesus, because i'm kind of confused here...floundering, in fact...hello God, it's me, jody, again...i thought i was supposed to be spending these next couple of weeks writing and working on a speech...does surgery change all that? help me out here. God? are you there?  are you listening? God? God? God?"


the monologue in my head hardly slowed, never stopped.  i just kept talking all the way home -- and not only in my head.  i mean audibly. if you happened to be driving on I-85 that tuesday afternoon, you may have noticed an odd woman in her black yukon talking loudly to herself behind the wheel -- hands motioning and head bobbing and shaking. all the way home i just talked and talked and talked.  i just told and told and told stuff to God.  i seriously was almost to my street before i realized i hadn't stopped for a breath.  and what's even more important, i hadn't stopped for one moment to listen. i kept asking God for the answer, but that entire 40 minute car ride home,  i never got quiet enough to hear what He had to say.  isn't that crazy? what's crazier, is that this is how i operate so often. i'm pretty good at opening my mouth, but forget to open my ears...my eyes...my heart.  oh for heaven's sake jody lynn, when will you learn?  be quiet. be still. just listen.


i pulled into my driveway and sat for a few minutes.  finally quiet.  finally still.  the impact of a second surgery set in...the craziness of the entire situation began to sink in...but in that stillness, in that sweet solitude inside my stopped car on my empty driveway i felt very strongly God saying, "just do the speech jody.  stop your ranting and raving and wild questioning of me, and just be quiet and do the speech."  and i had my answer.  sometimes it's like that.  clear as day. clear as writing on a wall.  but i first had to stop.  i had to be still.  it just took a few minutes...but i had to be quiet and listen.


and over the last couple of weeks as i have prepared for last night's speech...as i have worked on the words and the message and the timing ....i cannot even explain how God has used this time to work on me.  the surgery took place smack dab in the middle of it all.  more stitches and more sore ...a little more battered and a little more bruised...but reminded, once again,  God isn't finished with me yet.  God is always at work.  He isn't trying to wear me out, but He is wanting to reel me in.  He is wanting to pull me closer. through these crazy twists and turns of life, He is drawing me to Him.  and sometimes it hurts.  hard good byes, unpleasant surgeries, emotional speeches...come closer to me jody.  come closer. eyes on me, daughter.  it was the message He put on my heart  for those graduates.  "fix your eyes on Jesus -- the author and perfecter of your faith."  all last week i typed up those words and practiced them in front of the mirror.  i must have said that 100 times as i prepared to face graduation night.  fix your eyes on Jesus.  oh, isn't it amazing how God works?  those graduates may have voted for me to be their speaker, but God knew i, too, would need this message getting through this emotional time as well.  He wastes nothing friends.  nothing.  that unexpected surgery and the wait for biopsy results kept me raw...kept me close...kept me focused on Him.


i have to tell you, i was probably as scared of delivering that 20 minute speech as i was of that one hour surgery removing what could be more cancer -- maybe even more so.  it is crazy to think, but on the top ten list of greatest fears, public speaking is actually two steps higher than cancer.  (i just googled that).  can you believe that? actually, i kind of can after this past week. i mean i can do the public speaking thing, but something about this night and this audience and this moment in time felt HUGE to me.  it felt serious and grave and completely out of my reach.  i was so nervous.  i wanted to focus only on sharing with those graduates something good from God, but i had to first take my message to heart and listen to my own words -- fix your eyes on Jesus.


that night is over.  the speech went well.  i have sighed many sighs of relief today.  i am so glad i did it and so thankful the kids asked.  but mostly humbled to have a part in an evening like that.  we are so thankful and humbled to have had a part and a place in a school like this ...all these years.  i am not sure i'll ever be able to look back at these last two weeks and completely understand how God poured all that He did into these 14 final days.  it doesn't make sense to my small brain. and though i don't always understand the hand of my God, i am always learning, more and more, to trust His heart.   i know with complete confidence,  no thing happened this week which He didn't ordain, order and direct.  


all things hard and all things good for His glory alone. sometimes we are required to speak...and sometimes we just need to be quiet and listen.  i'm learning. 


"fix your eyes on Jesus --- the author and perfecter of your faith." ~ hebrews 12:2

Saturday, May 19, 2012

this i know

on friday at four i got the call from my surgeon's office.  "jody, good news...the biopsy results are in and the mass we removed is only scar tissue.  nothing malignant."  i was at home depot waiting for my pinestraw purchase to be loaded.   sarah and bella in the backseat.   "thank you jennifer," i said while directing the loader guy to the back of my yukon. "thank you, that's fantastic news," and i exhaled for the first time that day, maybe for the first time that week.  i thanked the pinestraw guy too,  hung up my phone, started my car and the girls and i drove home to work a little more in the yard.  several bales of pinestraw, but 1000 pounds lighter.

so all weekend here's what i've been thinking...

did i dodge a bullet?  was it a narrow escape?  did i avoid disaster by the skin of my teeth? oh, i don't know.  really, i don't know how to process all of this.  do you?  if you do, would you help me to understand?  i used to be a girl with a lot of answers, a girl with a whole lot of information and a bunch of opinions and ideas...  but not anymore.  now i feel like things happen fast:  cancer diagnoses and surgeries and biopsies and results and i just have to sit in the news of it all and let it wash over me.  let it soak in, little bit by little bit.  processing moment by moment.  what does it all mean?

immediately, with this new scare we began to hear from those intending well...what is God telling you?  perhaps you shouldn't be moving to minnesota.  you should.  you shouldn't. you should. you shouldn't.  huh? i felt more confused with every conversation.  if every piece of news resulted in a new direction or a new message from God, i am certain by this point i would be spinning only in circles, crazy and crying.

i don't believe God works that way.  does He have messages for us? YES.  does He waste anything?  NO.  does He want us to see His hand and hear His voice and know His power?  YES. YES. YES.   but am i supposed to sit here and analyze every move He makes and every sign He sends and every little thing which happens to me?   no. no. no.   i don't think my God wants me to live on a roller coaster like that. i don't think He designed me to spend my time deciphering and dissecting every new turn and twist in my road.  i think He wants me to draw close to Him...depend on Him...trust in Him.  but not feel like i have to figure Him out.  i am not sure if, when i decided to follow Him, He asked anything more of me. and the older i grow, the more i am certain, He doesn't want me to have all the answers.  He doesn't want me to be able to easily explain how He is working in my life.  but i assure you,  HE IS WORKING. and that is enough.  i don't know why He leads me down the paths that He does...but He does.  He does.  He does.  and as His child, His daughter, His beloved i am only required to go. go. go. walk. walk. walk.  follow. follow. follow.

i realize this completely contradicts what our culture pounds into our knowledge seeking heads, into our fact gathering minds.   we are supposed to know and understand and research and analyze and take control of it all. black and white and concrete. we are taught to wrap everything up in neat little packages with clear instructions and bite sized strategies.  but what if we don't.   what if we can't?  what if we just cannot understand? what if we just cannot comprehend the hand of God?  what if there are some things which God doesn't want us to understand, because what He really wants is not our understanding, but our trust. what He wants is imperfect us...not our perfect answers.

my friend, job, went through a lot.  a heck of a lot more than me or anyone else i know.  but even way back in the bible, job got it.  he understood that he couldn't possibly understand.  "can you fathom the mysteries of God?  can you probe the limits of the almighty?"  (job 11:7).  "God's voice thunders in marvelous way; He does great things beyond our understanding."  (job 37:5) i love that he, even in the face of ridicule and criticism, could just be okay with the simplicity of trusting his maker. 

i'll be honest, i am not so easily satisfied as job.  but i am learning to be.  i have felt, more and more, a change in my kicking-and-screaming-need-to-know-self.  i am pretty certain if i asked God for an explanation in writing what He would tell me is, "jody lynn, you are on a need to know basis."  that's it.  that's all.  i have said that same thing to my children.  "sarah elizabeth, you are on a need to know basis."  i tell her that because her young mind cannot grasp the way i am moving and managing as her mommy.  she doesn't need to get the whole plan or the whole picture -- because she simply cannot carry it. and there's something beautiful about that, isn't there? 

one of my all time favorite books is the hiding place by corrie ten boom. i remember reading it as a young girl and highlighting page after page.  in it there's this scene between 10 year old corrie and her father.  she recently heard the word sex and corrie asks her father to explain what it is:

He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor. “Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said. “It's too heavy,” I said. “Yes,” he said. “And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.” And I was satisfied. More than satisfied – wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions. For now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping.

perhaps my heavenly father feels the same way.  sometimes the answers to all our questions are too heavy. we aren't able to carry the answers or the understanding and so He carries them for us.  i believe that.  and i, too, am working at being content to leave them in my Father's keeping.  

just this morning bella and i were working in the yard together.  well i was working, she was digging for rolly pollies.  as she dug in the dirt for her bugs, i heard her singing the simple sunday school song, Jesus Love Me.  she had most of the words down, not perfect, but pretty good.  i love to listen to her sing --most anything.  it is immediate light and joy and breeze to my soul.  but today as i listened to her what i heard in her song was straight from the lips of my Father... "Jesus loves me, this i know."

and i thought, that's it.  that's all of it.  that's everything.  Jesus loves me, this i know.  that's all i have to know right now.  not why He does what he does or what it all means...just that He loves me.  and if the results had come back with more malignancy, i would still know Jesus loves me.  and if another mass is discovered next year or in ten years, Jesus loves me, this i know. yes, Jesus loves me.  yes, Jesus loves me.

"for who has known the mind of the Lord...?"  1 corinthians 2:16

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

the fragrance of His love

the gardenia bush in our backyard is blooming wildly this week. so many delicate white blossoms nestled in the waxy green leaves.  after dinner last night,  i cut a bunch and brought them into the house.  it was like an immediate pick me up had arrived in my kitchen -- perfect on what could be a gloomy night before surgery.  the fragrance was so wonderful i had to share. and after digging out a bunch of old jelly jars from the basement,  i put one bloom in each and set them on everyone's nightstand --  close to their pillows.  it didn't take long for the kids to come asking, "mom, why did you leave a flower in my room?"  "it's a gardenia," i explained.  "okay, mom, why did you leave me a gardenia?"


i wanted their sleep to be sweet.  that was it.  sweet and peaceful.  that's hard when your mom is having surgery the next morning.  i filled up an old pickle jar and placed a small bouquet near my bed as well.  last night i fell to sleep smelling gardenias.   we all have the need for a little bit of lovely, especially in a time when we feel anything but.  many of you prayed for my sleep last night...and, i want you to know, it was a perfect night's sleep.


i'm home tonight.  resting here in my own bed, the fragrance from my gardenias still strong and beautiful.  i am sore and sleepy from this morning's procedure, but just so thankful it is over.  dr. barber was encouraged by what he saw when he removed the mass.  he feels more confident that the biopsy results will come back stamped FINE -- troublesome scar tissue, nothing more.  that certainly is our prayer tonight.  we are hopeful.  we should receive those results by friday or monday.   this morning, after the surgery, dr. barber approached  rick in the waiting room and before any word of report came out of his mouth he gave rick a thumbs up.  that thumbs up for my husband was like the gardenia fragrance for me --  just what was needed.  the relief of sweet fragrance.


and friends, i have also felt the sweet scent of your prayers in the past day.  amazing.  beautiful.  strong.  i don't know if you've ever had an occasion to be prayed for in the way which i have...but there's nothing like it.  as the nurses prepped me this morning for surgery, i was completely calm.  completely peaceful.  the words and promises of Jesus running through my head the entire time.  i know that was gentle wash of your prayers rising up to our listening God.  it is a humbling thing to know it.  it is a beautiful thing to feel it.


and tonight, between surgery and results, i am reminded again of the sweet fragrance of my Father's love.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

seriously, surgery? again.

there's nothing in me tonight which wants to write this.  nothing at all.  in fact, it has taken me one full week to put anything to words at all.  but tomorrow i will be back in surgery.  same place.  same surgeon.  same spot. literally, the very same spot.


remember that mass which they quickly biopsied in january? by the way,  who gets a mass 8 months after a mastectomy?!?  that mass which was unsettling, but determined to be nothing more than scar tissue.  well that mass reared its ugly head once again last tuesday.  i was in for another routine appointment.  my surgeon took another look at it and deemed it "larger and uglier" than january.  "it shouldn't be doing this," he said.  no, it shouldn't, i thought to myself.  dr. barber went on to tell me it has gotten bigger and angrier and what really bugs him is it in exactly the same spot as the original tumor.  "it needs to come out.  we need to remove it surgically and biopsy the dickens out of it...just to be sure..."  keep in mind, my surgeon is one of the best in the country.  i'm kind of thinking this all sounds a bit quackish at this point, but he isn't the least bit a quack.  he is cautious and concerned, but he is 100% not crazy.  but this is.  this strange mass/scar tissue is crazy. this second surgery is crazy. and tonight, i feel a little bit crazy.  okay, i'm lying...honestly, i feel a lot crazy. who has a lumpectomy after a mastectomy?   


so tomorrow morning i am checking back into piedmont hospital.  because i like nice and neat little packages, i half wanted him to wait until monday, the 21st.  that was the day a year ago i started down this surgical path.  may 21st, 2011 my double mastectomy day.  but i know that's kind of weird to try to match up the dates -- i am certain this odd thought comes only from me not wanting to truly think about the what if's...the what then's...what if the biopsy comes back with some malignancy to it?  what will we do then? i can hear you all collectively screaming, "STOP jody, don't go there...you are getting ahead of yourself...you cannot camp there just yet!"  you say that, and i agree. oh, i desperately want to agree. except that deep in my soul i am starting to shake again. the bottom line:  i am not ready for this.  i am not ready to go back under anesthesia wondering what i will hear when i wake up.  i was only ready to move on.  but that is not the case.  and in this busy, nutty month of may when we are working on school finals and graduation and a move to minnesota, we are forced to pause.  forced to stop in our tracks and do this thing, at a lesser degree, again.


Lord, i don't know what you're doing.  really i don't.  but i know you are in it.  i know you have it all in your hands.  every bit of it...and that's what will get me through.  not medicine or doctors or logic.  not the assurance that this just cannot be the case...i am trusting in Him alone...Him.


so tonight i post asking if you'll pray for me again? it feels like i've asked that a lot this year.  tomorrow i'll be back in surgery at 8:30 am.  it won't be anything like a year ago...at least not physically.  a quick recovery and if all goes well, home by the end of the day.  but will you pray?  i don't know how all that prayer stuff really works, but somehow it does.  God hears the prayers of many.  rick's mom, marilyn, sent me a verse this morning which i think nails it. 


    for I know that through your prayers 
and God’s provision 
of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,
 what has happened to me 
will turn out for my deliverance.
~ philippians 1:19

so, here's where i am for the moment.  whether i am delivered again from cancer or delivered right back into it...i will claim deliverance.  my God, my Lord, my Rock is, indeed, a God who delivers. last may...this may...always.



"blessed be the LORD, my rock,
                                      and my fingers for battle;
who trains my hands for war,

He is my steadfast love and my fortress,

my stronghold and my deliverer,

my shield and he in whom I take refuge..."
~ psalm 144:1-2

Saturday, May 5, 2012

some bricks, some blessings and a young boy's heart

connor came home on fire today.  my laid back, easy going, sometimes too cool son, arrived home with a spark in his eyes and words tumbling from his mouth. i was putting away groceries and half listening as he began,  "mom, today in chapel we heard a story about a lady named mama latoisha.  she is a widow and lives in tanzania...mrs. duffy knows her...her baby died...she lives in a mud hut which is falling apart...mr. scott is letting us wear jeans to school to raise money...we are going to help build mama latoisha a new house. can we help her mom, can we, can we? what can we do?"


i closed the pantry door and looked at this boy standing there in his navy blazer and tie, slightly disheveled after a long day at school.  my nine year old who only wants to think about riding his atv or building his legos or buying another unnecessary do-dad from target.  my son standing in our spacious suburban home with hardwood floors beneath his feet.  his cheeks flushed.  his eyes bright. and i leaned against that closed pantry door. thank you Jesus, i whispered watching my son tear into a bag of pretzels  while still talking about today's chapel.  thank you Jesus for this tiny spark in my boy's heart.  he cares.  he wants to be a part of something bigger than our own backyard.  my son, nestled in his nice life, has somehow connected with a practically homeless, widowed woman half a world away.  he wants to help build mama latoisha's house.


our dear art teacher, mrs. duffy, visited with mama latoisha last may while she was in karanse, tanzania.  she found mama latoisha and her children (latoisha - 7 and ester - 6 months) living in a stick and mud hut, sleeping on a dirt floor.  mama latoisha, a christian mother, a widow, an abandoned woman, had nothing.  when mrs. duffy visited again recently, she found out that baby ester had died this year and mama latoisha and her son were still sleeping on a dirt floor in a mud hut.  this is not an uncommon story in karanse, tanzania.


in chapel, on wednesday morning, melissa duffy shared this story with our children at perimeter christian school.  the boys and girls sitting neat and clean in their rows listened as mrs. duffy, through tears, shared the tragedy of mama latoisha.  little boys and girls with fidgeting hands and distracted minds listened.  some of them thinking about a math test they'd have to take later that day.  some wishing they had eaten more breakfast.  some picking at their fingernails.  some passing notes. some twirling strands of hair.  some still half asleep.  but some -- some listening.  some hearing every word and seeing each tear. and some somehow connecting with a woman and her need in a land far and foreign.


since 2002, our church (perimeter) has been involved in ministry in karanse, tanzania.  karanse is a community with a high number of widows, orphans and families living in extreme poverty.  it is place without electricity or running water.  our church has partnered with the church in karanse and has helped provide basic needs while sharing the gospel.  amazing things have transpired in this place in the past decade.  the church has grown, many have come to know Christ, lives are being transformed -- physically and spiritually.  in addition, a christian school was built years ago and our own perimeter school here in johns creek, has been instrumental in helping with this.  we partner with them sending teams of teachers, training and supplies each year.  this school which started with two classrooms and two grades, now serves over 380 students.   they have built one classroom at at time as numbers and need have determined.  


wendy williams, a pcs teacher very involved with this project, shared with me how when the program got started so many years ago the tanzanian pastor said to perimeter church,  “if you aren’t interested in starting a school, i’m not interested.  if you feed an orphan for 10 years and then stop feeding him, he’ll die.  if you give a child an education, he can build himself a life.”   and that was the beginning.  now that school is in place and even has graduates who have gone off to high school/boarding school.  perimeter helps, but this is absolutely a tanzanian school, with a tanzanian pastor, school board and staff.  as wendy said, "we come alongside to mentor, encourage, support ...and learn!"


a drawing diana sent to us
diana
in addition, there are many in our community who have helped sponsor the children and their schooling in karanse.  for approximately $38 a month people can sponsor a karanse child helping to provide an education, supplies, uniforms, school fees, books, medical attention and one hot meal a day.  a few years ago, our family began to sponsor a little girl named  diana.  we asked one of the teachers to send home the binder with the stories and pictures of the kids who were in need of sponsorship.  our family poured over the pages of that book and finally settled on diana.  we chose her for 3 reasons.  1.  her favorite subject is english  2.  she is the same age and shares the same birthdate as our sarah, and 3. we loved her sassy striped socks!  so over these last few years we have been connected with diana.  we send our check and occasionally write letters.  we could do more.  i was deeply convicted of that recently, realizing much time had gone by since we'd last communicated with her.  it is easy to just write a check, but we desire to do more.  in every letter we have received from diana she writes, "i pray for you every day, will you also pray for me?"  i know she and her family appreciate our financial support, but what she really wants is our prayers and our friendship. being even a little bit involved in her life is a blessing for our family. 


and then from this same community we hear about mama latoisha this week.  our hearts expand wider.  what can we do?  my son stands in the kitchen and asks me, "can we help mom, can we?"  that was wednesday and mama latoisha hasn't been far from our minds since.  friday night sarah spent an hour scavenging around our home finding loose change and random coins.  she went through purses and pockets and came up with a bag of money.  (crazy what you can find when you look).  today she has plans to go and turn it all into dollar bills to donate. she showed me this morning how she had it sorted and ready to go. we want to help build mama latoisha's new house.  


our school is going to build this house.  it will be a three room, brick home with windows, a wood door, a concrete floor and a metal roof. the goal is to raise $4000 - one brick, one roof truss, one window, one bag of sand at at time.  to monitor the progress of this goal, a mock "home" will be constructed on the wall outside of mrs. duffy's art room.   ...one brick at a time!  our headmaster, mr. scott, is allowing the children to wear jeans and t-shirts in lieu of their school uniform any day from may 9th to the 21st.  they can pay $5 for this privilege (that means a lot to kids who wear uniforms each day, i assure you!)


the supplies needed for mama latoisha's new house:


$10 buys bricks                                                 need 100
$10 buys a padlock                                           need 3
$10 buys nails                                                   need 6
$20 buys roof trusses                                        need 8
$50 buys metal bars or a window or door         need 3,5,3
$100 buys metal sheeting for roof                     need 3
$100 buys rocks for foundation                          need 2
$200 buys transportation for supplies                 need 1
$250 buys sand and cement for the house         need 2
$1000 supplies the labor to build the house        need 1


here's the deal though, this isn't about what the mcnatt family is doing, it is not nearly enough, this is about what others are doing and what more of us can do!  there are still 100 students in need of sponsorship in karanse. that same binder we looked through several years ago is still available.  wendy williams has it and is willing to share.  go ask her.  take a look.  there are 100 children in this community still waiting for someone to help them receive a little education...a little love...a little chance at life.  you can write me at emmyandty@aol.com and i'll connect you or click on the link i've listed below.  even if you don't live nearby, you can connect with one of these children. we can make that happen.


one brick at time...
one child at a time...


as connor asked me this week standing in our kitchen, "what can we do?"


project_child_intro_08-01-10.pdf

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

a time to dance

it is early monday morning,  the sun not up yet, nor this mama out of bed.  asleep, i feel his kiss gentle on my cheek and hear his whisper in my ear, "have a good week sweetheart." and then he is gone.  the sound of his carry-on luggage and him moving down the front staircase.  quiet steps before dawn.  he leaves early every monday and returns late every friday.  home now just for the weekends. kind of like a sweet country love song.  except he returns to five children, saturday sports and yard work.  often when he rolls in late on these friday nights, the fridge is empty and the house is wild and the woman is just plain worn out. i am pretty sure we're in the middle of some crazy dance, but a slow country ballad it is not.


early on in all this weekly travel we made his homecoming an event.  in typical sarah elizabeth fashion, our middle daughter one friday night created a welcome home banner, complete with plugged in christmas lights.  "i want to make sure he can see it when he drives up to our house in the dark," she explained.  she knows her daddy returns tired too.  his week is long. his days are longer. the distance from his family grows greater each week. how many more months of this long distance living?


dinnertime without dad is another thing.  clearly we need his steady presence at the end of our oval shaped table.  it has been strange these past months eating our weekday meals without him.  i suppose the silver lining is now we all fit comfortably around the kitchen table intended to seat six. with rick gone, and one less body, it works.  but not really.  i'd much rather be smooshed together with one child perched on a pulled up stool, than have the extra space from a father on furlow. but it is the dance we are doing right now.  this tricky dance of transition where we attempt to balance what we are leaving and where we are heading.  we all feel it in some way. it is different for my husband who comes and goes, then it is for me.  not easier, not harder, just different.  then there's our teenage daughter. oh,  how my heart breaks for her.  people keep telling me how resilient and adaptable children are.  and i have to agree, they are.  but teenagers aren't really children and they aren't really adults and no matter what anyone says right now it's painful. it's just a plain old hard dance for her these days.


so we move on through our weeks in the whirlwind clash of closing down and gearing up.  all of this as we approach the month of may -- the busiest season of all for those with school aged children, mind you.  and when i peek into my calendar something in me wants to shut it back tightly and sneak it fast into the bottom drawer of my desk. something in me wants to pull those covers back over my head and pretend i have nothing to do and nowhere to go. how do i open my hands wide and willingly accept the long list of items in need of attention?  mom's attention. my attention.  how do i look across the breakfast table and meet the eyes of all five kids in need of me, one woman. how do i step into the dance and embrace this season of change.  this season of mondays and fridays, of comings and goings, of the comfortably well-known and the utterly unknown. i'm not sure. if i'm being honest, i'm just not sure how to do it somedays.


but how about you? what's the dance you're doing right now? we all have them.  mine might be unique to me, but the dance of life is intended for each one of us.  we all have some kind of  swaying which takes place in the midst of our given number of days.  God hasn't left any of us to be perfectly still and sluggishly at ease. He wants movement in our life.  it is part of the dynamic way He has created us.  sometimes the dance is about living in the moment and wrapping ourselves fully around the present...and sometimes the dance moves us forward, faster than we'd maybe like to go, madder than we'd like to be, headlong into the future.


i don't know when i will get to it all. somedays i stare at the pile and realize i have no plan and begin to feel discouraged and clumsy.  spinning. twirling. dipping. it all seems too much, feels too fast for my simple steps.  it is at these weary moments though when i am most reminded about the reason we dance.  
"let them praise HIS name in the dance; let them sing praises unto HIM with the timbrel and harp."  (psalm 149:3) 
i am reminded that it is not about dancing gracefully, but dancing gratefully.  i don't dance for myself or even for my family, i dance to bring Him praise.  and even a stumbling, clumsy gal like myself can do that when i keep my eyes on my partner...on Him.  and my weary, overwhelmed self can rest in His arms when i stop trying to direct the steps and allow Him to lead.   it may not be a slow country ballad...but even this wild dance can be a sweet song...a love song...when He leads.







there is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
  a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
  a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
  a time to weep and a time to laugh,  
a time to mourn 
            and a time to dance.
         ecclesiastes 3:1





 (okay, i'll admit, shameless sharing of my girls and their ballerina photos...
emily and sarah - both in 2nd grade.  bella's first recital is next monday!)





Thursday, April 19, 2012

april 19th: the act of forgetting and the art of remembering

it was april 19th, one year ago today, when i sat beneath a giant tree in my friend's front yard and heard "jody, i'm sorry, but the tumor is malignant."  

was that really only a year ago? it seems just yesterday and yet, in a strange way, it also seems somehow a lifetime ago. 
i won't quickly forget that sunny april day. 
those blue skies. 
that giant oak. 
the feel of the phone awkward on my ear. 
the tears hot on my cheeks.  
the breath leaving my body hard and the friends sitting close by, holding my hand tight.  

that day marked me. seared something deep within. it changed a lot.

but now a year later, after surgery and medicine and too many doctor appointments to count, life has gone on. i have plenty of days where i wake and don't even think about the ugly C word. somedays i make it all the way to dinner without giving it a thought. sure, when i pop that tiny white pill in my mouth each evening, i am quickly reminded. but we've moved away from the gut wrenching fear of last spring, from the all consuming cancer and what ifs.

there are absolutely still things i worry about. my friend, beverly (also diagnosed), and i text back and forth at times about the "what ifs" and the worries.  we probably shouldn't do that.  as grown women, we know better...but we have found a little bit of shared comfort in each other's affirming words, "yeah, i think about that too..." we say to each other.  even a good prognosis has its share of concerns and anxieties.  it just does.

this year may have been physically altering for me, but even more so, it has been emotionally, mentally and spiritually altering.  it was a year which taught me the importance of clinging to truth...not just positive thoughts and good wishes, but truth.  in situations like this, boy is the difference crystal clear.   and how thankful i was throughout this journey to know i had a God who was completely in charge...absolutely in control.

just last week our 12 year old, sarah, had surgery -- tonsils and adenoids removed. and as we were driving to her surgery, she was sharing some of her fears about the day ahead.  at age 12 she verbalized the fact that trusting God was in control meant knowing He could even choose to take her life at any time. wow. where do you go with that conversation on an early monday morning in rush hour traffic? 

we had no option but to dig in and address it — "yes, that's exactly what it means. God is in control of each and every breath. He knows the number of hairs on our head and the number of days in our life."  i get why that can be a little scary. but let's talk about the alternative: 
He doesn't know?
no one is in charge?  
life just happens?  
everything is random? 
there is no plan? 
we have no purpose?  
i don't know about you, but to me, that seems infinitely worse.

i've written a lot this year. more than ever before. the stuff just keeps coming, but i'm not surprised.  a year ago, early in the days of first diagnosis, one morning in my devotions, i stumbled across a verse from the psalms: "i will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." ~ psalm 118:17

i'm not sure i had ever seen that verse before. but on that morning, it felt like a special message from God.  this verse sort of became my banner.  my battle cry. it became my lifeline.  i clung to it often.  repeated it to myself frequently and relied on it heavily. my oldest daughter, emily, painted that verse for me on mother's day last year, a week before my surgery.  it rested on the armoire in my bedroom and in those days of recovery where i had to lie still and behave myself, i kept my eyes fixed on that verse. soon after, i began writing more than ever before. post after post came pouring out.  part of my healing-soul.  part of my proclaiming-God.

perhaps some of you are tired of hearing from me.  "oh, it's her again. for heaven's sake, doesn't she have five children to feed or something to clean?"  but my dark dance with cancer somehow ripped wide open in me the need for words and a desire to proclaim what God has done... is doing... and will do.  honestly, i think one of the things i am most frightened by is the potential to stop talking and writing and then to forget.  because we are like that.  we are forgetters.  like the israelites in the desert cursing God, stiff-necked and scrambling for their manna, they forgot this God of their exile was the very same God of their exodus. they forgot this was the God who had parted waters and defeated pharaoh and lit the night sky with a pillar of fire -- this was the God of their rescue.  and just like them, we, too, forget what God has already done.  though there are parts about the cancer i'd like to put behind me, i don't ever want to completely forget.  i don't want to forget God's great rescue in my life. i want to move on from my cancer, but not forget what it gave me.  i want to move away from the fear, but hold tight to the lessons i learned.  i want to stay soft to the sweetness of His presence. 

when we were going through that valley, our family began to treat life dearer, closer, kinder. my kids stopped bickering for awhile. i'd really like that to continue. (especially the kid thing). i don't want to go back to that place where we take things for granted or treat each other as if we'll always be here.  but it's hard.  life returns and so does the nonchalance of hurried living. i snap at my husband and snip at my children and race through the grocery store. i grumble over grass stains and get huffy when i have too much to do. forgetting that even grass stains are a gift. and i find myself wading knee deep, again, in the ugly ungratefulness of a woman stretched thin. sometimes it seems i am almost drowning in my failure to remember.

but God remains faithful and patient with me.  and often, just on the brink of blurry living, i am reminded again of God's goodness when He gently tilts my head and turns my eyes in the direction of blessing.

the april blue sky.
a giant oak tree.
hot tears.
soft touches.
kind words.

the glimpses of loving. the gift of learning. the art of seeing. the blessing of remembering. the beauty of living.  

and a year full of healing.

april 19th.


my blessings

Monday, April 16, 2012

a life well lived

in a post a few weeks back i told you about a friend of ours who has been battling cancer for 16 years. defying all medical odds, he endured four separate stage 4 cancer diagnoses, multiple surgeries and 16 years of different treatments. today was tom's funeral. the battle is over, the pain is gone, the needles, tubes and treatment all behind him now.  and this morning his life was celebrated well.

my oldest three children were in attendance.  as a mother, how grateful i am for them to have a chance to hear the words and thoughts shared in this morning's service. how blessed i was to listen to the beauty of his story. tom maiwald's body may have been taken by cancer, but his life was lived for Christ and everything, absolutely everything shared today, pointed to that end -- pointed to that victory.  in a day where there seem to be few role models and even fewer heroes, i am thankful that tom maiwald and his family have intersected briefly with mine.


for 16 years tom battled cancer hard, but proclaimed Christ even harder.  tom was an exceptionally articulate writer.  his caringbridge site has blessed and encouraged thousands of people over these years -- me included.  a year ago when i was dealing with my own diagnosis, tom's words and fighting spirit were an incredible inspiration to me. in post after post, he declared God's purpose and plan.  he declared peace. even in the midst of his excruciating pain and bitter disappointment, tom and his authentic words pointed always to Jesus.  though our world tries to come up with flimsy alternatives, there is no other answer.


i remember the day he stopped over to return a bike he had borrowed from rick.  it was just a week or so after my diagnosis.  he stood in our driveway, a medical mess himself, and asked me,  "jody, how are you doing?  i mean, how are you really doing?"  i almost felt foolish with him asking me.  my diagnosis paled in comparison to what tom had been through and was going through.  my prognosis was clearly a thousand times better.  but something about the authentic way in which he asked and the sincerity clear in this man's eyes, wiped away all feelings of foolishness.  he genuinely cared and he absolutely empathized.   both rick and i were blown away by that exchange over a borrowed bicycle.


but that is tom.  from all that has been shared in the past few days of remembering him, these are the stories of tom maiwald.  a man who, because of his deep love relationship with Christ, has been able to love others deeply even in the midst of his own incredible and intense suffering.  really, my words cannot do justice to this man's life and testimony. but because i know so many of your stories and know the encouragement so many of my readers seek, i am taking this opportunity to point you in the direction of tom's caringbridge: (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tommaiwald). there's little doubt in any of our minds that his site will someday be published in book form.  be prepared.  it is deep and driven with the passion only Christ can inspire.


to give you a taste, i'll share a tiny piece from one of his posts last month.  tom writes about hardship.  and who in in this world doesn't understand at least something about hardship?  few of us grasp it as well as tom, but all of us have suffered in some degree and each one of us stand in need of encouragement when we struggle in this place of earthly pain. 


tom's words:
What if this hardship we call life today is just a pause between the original perfection of Eden and the ultimate restoration of heaven on earth?
It is. It’s as if a beautiful fabric of infinite value were torn in half, leaving loose strands hanging with no hope for repair. Perfection seems lost. But alas, the God of living hope steps in and the tattered fabric of our lives is repaired. God is up to something, even if we don’t experience it until after we die. But what is amazing is that God doesn’t just patch up the fabric of our lives leaving seams and stitch marks. He makes us beautiful.  No holes. No seams. Perfect.  That is the picture of peace that I hold on to. Although I’m far, far from it today, the Bible’s description of God making all things new encourages me and gives perspective on the bigger, more glorious work of His grand plan that I’m unable to fully see now.


this from a man who knew his days were numbered.  a man who rejoiced even in this knowledge.  a man who continued to live life fully and joyfully to the very end.  what a treasure for those who knew a man who so deeply knew God.  tom's funeral service this morning was beyond inspiring.  i was told he planned and wrote much of it himself.  i know i will not be the only one forever changed having attended such a celebration of a life well lived.  tyler's entire 8th grade class sat a few rows behind me.  they were there in support of their classmate, nate, tom's son.   i couldn't help but think of the impact on these 14 year olds sitting in these rows, sitting on the edge of their future. 


a couple of tom's friends shared the story of how tom walked around always with a packet of seeds in his pocket. these seeds were his reminder of his life's mission. he believed in something called the "harvest principle."  you reap what you sow.  you reap more than you sow. and you reap much later than you sow.  i looked around our sanctuary at the large number in attendance... a harvest indeed.


tom leaves behind his sweet wife amy and two children, abby and nate.  please keep this precious family in your prayers.


one of the verses tom chose for today.
"therefore we do not lose heart.  though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands."  ~ 2 corinthians 4:16 - 5:1