Update and Onward!

Good morning, dear friends. My post today is intended to provide an update from last week's MRI, but also to fill in some gaps for those of you who might have missed the earlier posts on how all this got started. 

I realized that my last blogpost about my bone scan must of have felt a bit "out of the blue" if you are only reading it on the blog and not seeing the first couple of posts I shared earlier on my personal Facebook. So for those of you trying to piece it together, below you'll find my initial words as I explained on FB this unexpected news from a CT scan earlier in September. 

(Sept. 19th). My dear praying friends - Here I am [again] asking. Asking because I believe deeply in the power of prayer. Last week we received some difficult news.

A CT scan of my abdomen showed some “concerns” — there is some shading/potential "mass" material in the lower right quadrant of my colon ... in addition, it showed multiple spots on my bones — of specific concern based on my previous breast cancer.

Three physicians weighed in and all want immediate action. It could be nothing, but this week we head back to doctors to begin more detailed testing. Monday at 1pm I will meet with my oncologist for tumor marker testing and consult. Tuesday morning at 9am we will meet with a surgeon to discuss how best to explore more specifically what might be going on.

We are rattled. We are perplexed: Just this spring I ended a 10 year course of tamoxifen and celebrated 10 years cancer free. It feels harsh to be staring something scary in the face again. We didn’t see it coming and, frankly, we are scared.

But we are also, very much, full of HOPE. It could be nothing. Nothing at all. And that is our prayer. That is why I am reaching out to those of you who pray. I believe our Jesus HEARS the prayers of the righteous. I believe He works in miraculous ways.

Perhaps I should wait until we know something definitive, but, honestly, that’s not me. I have always been a pretty open book. I write and I share and I include others and I ask for prayer. If the news is GOOD, we PRAISE HIM and go on our merry way. If the news is unfavorable we PRAISE HIM ANYWAY and we prepare for battle. I don’t write those words flippantly or casually, I promise I don’t. I write them because my entire life is in God’s hands: the very good and the very hard. What other choice do I have? What other choice would I want? It is the only source of true peace and He will be glorified in it. Regardless of results. And so we boldly come before the throne and we ask you to join us in praying this week. Specifically …

* That all tests lead to a big nothing.

* That doctors are thorough and results are quick.

* That our family remains firm with eyes fixed on Jesus.

* That our sleep be peaceful. That has been the hardest for me. Those quiet hours in the middle of the night.

* That when those fragile moments come, we boldly call fear a liar and we fight hard with our faith and trust in God’s goodness.

* That God is glorified and His name is high and lifted up. Always.

We won’t know much until end of this week. We may not know everything for a couple of weeks. I will post again and share updates as we know. In the meantime, stand with us ... on our knees before the One who holds all things.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2

“I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in a secret place, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3

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October 3rd.

As most of you know, we had the bone scan (Sept 23rd) and it, praise God, came back all clear. It did, however, give us the need to figure out the rest of the story. The big question remained: What exactly are these "spots" on my bones? Are they something else? Or are they a cancer? Are they a primary cancer or a metastatic breast cancer? My oncologist isn't sure. 

An MRI was ordered this past week to look closer at my spine. And those results came back to us this past Friday. Unfortunately, they didn't exactly quiet our fears. The MRI confirmed the lesions are present and must be addressed. We still don't know what they are, but we do know they appear "abnormal." They didn't show up on the bone scan because a bone scan only shows issues of  "new bone growth." Trust me, I didn't know that either. You get to learn all kinds of things when navigating medical issues. Even though I've always been a big fan of learning, I'm not sure I want to call this kind of learning a silver lining exactly. 

Here's the deal. The MRI now leads us to a PETscan this Monday (tomorrow). We will see what else lights up in my body. Of course the hope is a big NOTHING, but we must take a peek head to toe regardless.  Is there something metabolic in my body that we haven't yet found? It's not a question any of us ever want to consider. We also have to guard ourselves against "false-positives." PETscans are notorious for lighting up things which end up being nothing. Oh, the beautiful inconsistencies of science and medicine! It's in no way a perfect process, people!

Another thing I've learned is where imagery is helpful, it is not really conclusive. Only pathology can truly tell us what these lesions are and so a biopsy must be done to be absolutely certain. BUT -- and this is a big one -- taking a biopsy from the spine, for obvious reasons, isn't easy or ideal. And it may be a choice we must make at some point. 

What we know right now is that IF the PET scan shows cancer in another (soft tissue) area of my body, that is where we will biopsy. Of course, we don't want anything else to show up. If nothing shows up then we will be faced with a difficult choice: do we go forward with a risky biopsy of the spine in our quest for answers? Or do we just keep an eye on it for a bit? It's a bit of a Catch 22, isn't it?

We are thankful for the things which have come back as marks in the good news column: both bloodwork and tumor markers are reading as normal. That was huge! Again, not conclusive, but affirming. We are praying for a clear path and great answers in this week ahead. 

And so we sit in another long, quiet weekend of waiting. Feeling a little paralyzed by all of these unknowns and what ifs. Some of you know, in the middle of all this we had just signed off on selling our home and buying a new one--literally days before those CT scan results were first delivered to us. I'm not going to lie, it was weird timing and it's a weird kind of limbo we've landed ourselves in. We wait for further answers for my health, but we also wait regarding our next steps in the new home. We are fully under contract, but have not closed on either home yet. Thankfully our buyers agreed to give us a couple of extra weeks to figure this all out. I just don't even know what to say about all of the house stuff. I find myself wanting to move forward on projects and plans  and packing and then my self-protection yanks me back and screams, "Wait! Just Wait!" Will we really be able to move into a new home if I truly find myself in need of treatment or whatever? I can't even go there. But the yo-yo of my emotions is a force to be reckoned with right now. A verse which has been very present for me over this past year is "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

We can plan and plan and dream and dream and pursue and pursue all we want. But God determines our ultimate path. At times that gives me a good deal of comfort, but it also, humanly, gives me some frustration and maybe--like right now--fear. What exactly is God's plan for my life? And how is He working in the timing of all this? And, even more important, do I really -- I mean, REALLY -- trust Him?

I don't understand the timing. I don't get why those CT scan results arrived (lost and late) after we had signed on the real estate dotted lines. I don't get that. But that's what happened. And this is our situation. And we clearly have some big things to figure out in the days ahead. 

And there's this big part of me which wants to go hide my head under the covers and ask it to all go away. Actually, I've done that. More than a few times. And as you probably know, it doesn't work. It's not going away and it's not the answer anyway. Those words, though, "hide" and "cover," they remind me of God's promises to do just that when I choose to dwell in the Shelter of Him, the Most High. Which is where He desires me to dwell in all my days ... in the good ones, as well as in the not so good ones. 

         "He will COVER you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find         refuge;"  Psalm 91: 4

"For He will HIDE me in His shelter in the day of trouble; He will CONCEAL me under the COVER of His tent; He will lift me high upon a rock." Psalm 27:5

"And while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will COVER you with my hand until I have passed by." Exodus 33:22

Yes, can you see it, friends? Even in my distress over the unknown, God constantly reminds me that He is with me and making a way in the wilderness ... that I am not alone ... that He knows the outcome ... He has a plan ... He holds me in the palm of His hand ... He is my portion ... my Prince of Peace ... He hides me ... He covers me ... He calms the storm ... He goes before me ...  He is for me... He is faithful ...He is healer and comforter ... He is Jehovah Jireh ... He is enough  ... He is my good Father ... He is all powerful ... He is trustworthy ... He is immutable ... He is unchanging ... unwavering ... unrelenting in His pursuit of me ...  He is all-seeing ... He knows the future ... He knows the very hairs on my head ... He sustains me ... He carries me ... He knows my name ... He knit me together ... He ordained my days ... He has promised good for me ... He leads me ... He is with me ... He has not forsaken me ... He has not abandoned me ... He has chosen me ... He has summoned me by name ... He is my resting place ... He is the Joy of my Salvation ... He moves mountains ... He measures the waters of the ocean ... He set the stars in the sky and called them by name ... He is Creator of all things ... He is glorious ... He is a name above all names ... He will uphold me with His righteous right hand ... He will keep me ... He will counsel me ... He will fight for me ... He will make straight my steps ... He is my light ... He is strong when I am weak ... He is a way maker ... He is a promise keeper ... He is my salvation ... He is my dwelling place  ... He is a strong and mighty tower ... He is my helper in times of trouble ... He is my shelter from the storm ... He is the Great I AM ...  He is my tender shepherd ... He is my Warrior ... He loved me enough to take my place on the cross ... He is worthy ... He is my Rock ... my Refuge ... my Redeemer.  He is the Alpha and the Omega ... He is God. 

And so, strangely, on this long weekend of waiting for yet another test and result we aren't quite sure what to do. Pack? Plan? Pray. Yes, of course, pray. 

I woke up Saturday morning feeling a bit perplexed about my hours. Bella is gone on a junior high church retreat. Rick and I have this weird weekend of no kids and no clear plans. Funny enough, it feels like the perfect time to re-do my wedding album which had fallen in a state of disrepair a few years ago. It's been sitting in a box waiting for me to give it a little TLC. I guess 31 years can do that to a wedding album ... or a person. And so, this weekend, I am tackling that task. Those of you who crave the next project more than Netflix, you understand. And can I just point your attention to those massive sleeves on my wedding dress in the photo above? Gotta love the 90's. 

Yes, it's a weird weekend as we wait for more tests and more answers. But it has also been sweet time for Rick and I to talk through all of this and spend some quiet time together. It's hard for our personalities to have things on hold. We are both planners and we like to check things off lists. This should be a weekend full of checking things off the list, instead we work on an old album and we wait for the new plan to become clear. 

One last verse I want to share with you is from Isaiah. This verse has literally come to me about 20 different ways this week. And then this morning I woke up and it was the main verse in today's devotional. Yep, no surprise, this is exactly how my Heavenly Father works. So I guess I'm supposed to pass this along to you all as well!

"You keep him in perfect peace 

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

Trusts in the Lord forever,

for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."  Isaiah 26:3-4

Take a look at that devotional by Paul Tripp -- New Morning Mercies (in the photo up above). I love what he writes about this verse:

 "Peace is found in trusting the person who controls all things that you don't understand and who knows no mystery because He has planned it all.  ... You experience it (peace) by keeping your mind stayed on the Lord. The more you meditate on His glory, His power, His wisdom, His grace, His faithfulness, His righteousness, His patience, His zeal to redeem, and His commitment to His eternal promises to you, THE MORE YOU CAN DEAL WITH MYSTERY IN YOUR LIFE."

Again, thank you for all of your prayers, words, music, meals and love. We truly feel richly blessed by our beautiful community.