My mother-in-law, Marilyn, would have been 76 today. She lives now in heaven and my guess is she’s probably celebrating her birthday with a stroll along some kind of glorious ocean shoreline. Sunrise or sunset, didn’t matter, that was her happiest place here on earth—the beach. We shared that love. Actually, we shared quite a few big loves: the ocean, laughter, mission trips, dessert, Jesus, good books … and her son, my husband.
I don’t know why that strikes me as most poignant today on her birthday, but it does. Out walking the dog this morning and a song randomly hit my playlist which always reminds me of her. It is called “Love Remains.” (lyrics/link below). I'm pretty sure the dog might have wondered what was wrong with the weepy-eyed lady walking him. Maybe a few neighbors wondered as well. But just go ahead and listen and then try tell me it doesn’t stir up something strong in you too.
Melancholy songs aside, in the strangest of ways, it has been in this past year I feel like I have grown to better understand my mother-in-law ... to better know her. That might sound odd as she has been gone for over 6 years. I haven’t talked to her in quite some time. Sure wish I could. We had a wonderful relationship when she was alive, but in this past year, I have felt even closer to her heart.
Her heart as a mother of a son.
I am certain it has something to do with my own sons’ growing up. Our youngest boy is 18 and about to head to college—the same age and place when I first met Marilyn’s son, Rick. We found each other in our first month of freshman year and were immediately smitten. It’s pretty safe to say, like with most college-coeds, I never once saw that through her eyes. Sometimes we can’t see. It takes time and life to show us how to see things from the perspective of another.
I know she was happy to have her son find the girl he would someday marry — but there’s a bittersweetness to watching our children grow up and go away with someone else. We can't help but feel a little bit left in the dust. Even when we fully approve and sincerely rejoice. It's a thing. In addition to my youngest son heading to college, I have perhaps, even more so, been impacted by our oldest son marrying this past year and giving me my very own daughter-in-law, beautiful Brooke. It was an amazing day and I couldn't be happier for him, but ask any mother about her boy getting married -- it's a big thing.
Somehow, it has been my own processing of these two milestones this year with my sons which has drawn me closer to Marilyn. I loved her from the very start, but I didn’t always fully understand her role. I didn't understand her need to stay so connected. I didn’t always understand her desire to ask questions and care deeply for my answers. Back then, I wasn’t a mother and I certainly wasn’t anywhere close to becoming a mother-in-law, I was just a girl who loved her son. And I guess in my young mind, when Rick and I married, it was really just about us. Embarrassingly enough, I wasn't so good at thinking about how our union impacted the others around us; how it felt to those who loved us most; how it felt to Rick's mom.
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| Our wedding day - 1990. The day her son was married. The day Marilyn became my mother-in-law. |
As a mother, Marilyn was never overbearing, she was just appropriately and authentically interested. And though I really liked that, I probably didn’t always "get" all the emotional juggling behind it. I do now. With my recent experience of watching several kids go off to college and two go off and get married, I have a clearer glimpse into the art of letting go.
It’s a fine line with our adult children —
This desire to speak into their lives, but not too loudly or for too long.
This desire to be involved, but not be too instrumental.
This desire to coach, but not to coddle.
This desire to help, but not to helicopter.
This desire to encourage, but not to enable.
This desire to demonstrate our love, but to not demand theirs.
It’s a little tricky, right?
And all of the mother-in-laws in the world give a collective and adamant “A-men!”
Gosh, how we want to love our adult children well. But a big part of loving them well is fully releasing them to the lives God has waiting for them. Lives which we hope include us, but lives which are no longer very dependent on us.
And this is how it should be. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24
And sometimes, like in this year of watching my own grown boys enter college and marriage, I am reminded. Reminded of what an amazing mother-in-law God gave me almost 31 years ago. Marilyn McNatt modeled for me what it looks like to love our adult children even from a little distance. She modeled what faith looks like when our fingers can no longer be wrapped around their little hands. She modeled well how to stay within reach, but with respect for their independence. Mostly, she modeled what it looks like to say less, but to pray more.
She was truly a gift in my life ... and even continues to be one as I enter into this next season. It's pretty awesome to have a wonderful mother (and I do have one), but to also get a wonderful mother-in-law, is an extra special blessing. It's the beauty of two mothers -- and it's a gift I never want to take for granted.
Today, on Marilyn's 76th birthday, I honor her. I loved having a mother-in-law and I now get to love being a mother-in-law. It's all truly connected and love truly does remain.
Love Remains - by Hillary Scott
We are born, one fine day
Children of God, on our way
Momma smiles, and Daddy cries
Miracle, before their eyes
They protect us, till we're of age
And through it all, Love remains
Boy moves on, he takes a bride
She stands faithful, by his side
Tears and sweat, they build a home
And raise a family of their own
They share joy, and they share pain
And through it all, Love remain
Kingdoms come and go, but they don't last
Before we know, the future is the past
In spite of what's been lost or what's been gained
We are living proof that love remains
I don't know, baby what I'd do
On this Earth, without you
We all live, and we all die
But the end is not good-bye
The sun comes up, and seasons change
And through it all, Love remains
An eternal burning flame,
Hope lives on,
And Love Remains.
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