april 19th & covid-19 & afraid

it was 9 years ago on april 19th when the doctor called to confirm my breast cancer. “i’m sorry, jody, but the pathology is back— the tumor is malignant.” 

i was sitting beneath a giant oak tree in my friend's front yard when i got the call. 

i’m sure i’ll never quite forget that sunny april day —

those blue skies. 

that giant tree.

the feel of the phone awkward on my ear. 

the tears hot down my cheeks. 

the breath leaving my body hard.

that day marked me. seared something deep inside. changed everything all at once. 

i felt like life would never be the same. 

i felt like normal would never quite return.

i felt abandoned by my God and angered at this news. 

how could life be going along so nicely and then in the 30 seconds of a phone call all completely unravel around me? nothing had prepared me for this sudden shift.

i never saw it coming. 

i was blindsided.

and in those weeks of diagnosis, almost daily doctor appointments, and a double mastectomy, i became very afraid. very scared and unsure about what the future might hold. with five young kids, i tried my best to appear calm and in control. i said all the right things. i gave all the right assurances.

but deep within, nothing felt very right or very sure. 

anxiety seemed to be my new found friend. i couldn’t escape it. especially at night. i’d wake to it sitting heavy on my chest. many early mornings i'd crawl out of bed, find a quiet corner and weep. i pled with God. i promised Him everything if He’d only rescue me from cancer and restore my life to normal. 

i didn’t like my april that year.

maybe this april has you feeling something similar. maybe all this covid-19 stuff has brought great anxiety and fear. maybe it has you waking in the middle of the night wondering why. maybe it has you questioning God and His goodness. maybe it has you asking what if and what’s next. maybe it has you longing for normalcy and pleading for things to go back to the way they were before. 

gosh, i get it. 

i’m ready for normal life to return too. 

but as i woke today remembering that april day 9 years ago, i couldn’t help but also remember how God used that hard time in my life to make His holy presence known--louder and clearer and more beautiful than i could have even imagined.

it took some time, yes. but i was able to eventually see how God didn't waste it, but was actually very much at work in it. He hadn’t abandoned me, but He used that time, instead, to help anchor me closer to Him. 
He used that april (and may and june and july) as a wake up call in my life —

a wake up call to new levels of gratitude and grace.

a wake up call to new eyes for His gifts. 

a wake up call to a stronger and more firm faith.

a wake up call to my need for a Savior.

it’s not easy to understand when we are in the midst of suffering or pain. goodness, it isn’t. but it is in these very places—these places of wild wondering and broken weeping—that God shows us His glory. isn't it true, often we have to come to the end of ourselves to see the beginning of our desperate need for Him? 

if i’m honest, up until that point in my life, i kind of was my own savior. i mean i talked the talk all the time, but i really never understood the depth of my need. i just didn’t. it is hard to see a great lacking when things feel pretty lovely.

maybe you’re not liking your april right now either. 

like everyone else, you’re ready for this covid-19 stuff to all be over. but i would encourage us as we are walking through this challenging month to lean into Him … to look to Him … to see what He has to show us--His glory, His gifts, His grace---those things so easy to take for granted when all is going well. ask Him. 

are we in need of an april wake up call? 

that doesn't mean it will be easy. april 19th, 2011 was an incredibly hard day. and it ushered in an incredibly hard few months following. but nine years later, i know that none of it was wasted. God was working even through my anxiety, my anger and in my feelings of abandonment. He used those very things to anchor me to Him. 

"we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the HOPE set before us. we have this as a sure and steadfast ANCHOR of the SOUL, a HOPE that enters into the inner place." hebrews 6:18-19

to Him be the glory forever.

“i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. for the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. for the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the One who subjected it, in HOPE that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the FREEDOM and GLORY of God.” romans 8: 18-20