just me and us (and Jesus)

i remember, 15 years ago, getting my roll of film back and seeing this (above) picture. 

it scared me. 

i am not sure what scared me more —

the fact that somewhere in the midst of my unstable state of pregnancy i must have decided to pre-purchase party glasses for my family …  OR that all these little people actually belonged to me. 

i was always excited about having "one more," but i’d be lying if i didn’t admit to also having the occasional "who in their right mind decides to add a 4th child?" thought.

but we did.

and we are so glad we did.

and today he is 15. 

but, in those months after connor's birth, when i felt about as crazy as a junebug in march, i somehow knew it would be the addition of this 4th child which would probably teach me the most in my motherhood. i was, clearly, in over my head like never before. from the moment this little guy arrived, i couldn’t seem to catch my breath. there was something about the number four. 

we were always on the go. 

always on the way. 

always on to something else. 

we had four children under the age of nine and everyone needed me. all the time. or so it sure seemed. 

maybe that’s the season you’re currently in. maybe you’re the mom who, right now, feels so inundated with what is happening in your home that should even a tiny hamster appear in a cage on your counter, you’d probably sit down and sob.

i know. 

i remember.

that was me 15 years ago. don't get me wrong: it was jam-packed with some absolutely-wonderful too! adding a baby brother  was like the coolest thing ever for our older three. we were all in awe and had so much fun just staring at him --- on the way to soccer practice or tennis lessons, mind you.

even in the busyness, the arrival of this sweet little brother breathed a special kind of joy into all of us.

babies can do that.

but, nonetheless, connor’s babyhood was a blur. he literally grew up in a carseat behind me. when he was a toddler and we’d drop off the older kids at school or practice or lessons, he’d almost always say to me: “it’s just me and us, mom. just me and us.” and that’s how we did life when he was little: just me and us. 

when he'd say that, i used to answer him back -- sometimes out loud and sometimes just

a whisper in my heart -- "yes, connor, just me and us ... and Jesus." because, more than anything, that's what i learned during those years of being an overwhelmed and under qualified (feeling) mother: life with these four kids would require a whole lot of Jesus. 

it still does.

now--15 years later--and my “just me and us” boy is about a head taller than me and no longer in the backseat. tomorrow, in fact, i take him to get his driving permit and he'll probably be driving me home. 

yes, his babyhood was a blur. but fifteen years have been even faster.

happy birthday, c-man. 
we love you!

15 things i love about you, connor!

1. your sense of humor and timing.
   
   
   
2. your compassion and tenderness.
   
   
   
3. your desire to grow your own relationship with Jesus.
   
   
   
4. your constant inquisitiveness.
   
   
   
5. your daily texts asking me what’s for dinner.
   
   
   
6. your 4th-born-ability to go-with-the-flow!
   
   
   
7. your willingness to do whatever i ask (even when it involves things like your mother wearing blue sparkly glasses).
   
   
   
   
8. your servant heart.
   
   
   
9. your sense of direction — literal and figurative.
   
    
10. your sweet desire to hang out with your crazy siblings.
    
    
    
11. your big dreams.
    
    
    
12. your little guy haircut. #amishboy.
    
    
    
13. your love of the outdoors, animals and nature.
    
    
    
14. your calming presence.
    
    
    
15. the unique way you see things.
    
    
    
    
    

    

    we are so thankful God placed you in our family!