Friday, March 30, 2012
brown eggs and in charge
we were just making eggs, the littlest one and me. that's it -- scrambled eggs. i had let her crack one over the blue ceramic bowl. but it didn't go entirely well and i was in a bit of a hurry to whip up these eggs before my lacrosse playing son had to run out the door for an evening practice.
"no bella, just one. let mommy do the rest. you can watch."
bella promptly brushed aside my hand and my answer, cutting me off with, "okay, okay, okay. wait, i have an idea, mom. w'ere both in charge!"
i stopped in mid-crack. did she really just tell me "we're both in charge." and without waiting for my response, bella had another egg in her hand poised and precarious over that blue ceramic.
"whoa...wait one minute little miss," i explained, carefully taking the egg from her tiny hand. "we're not both in charge. not at all. not one bit. mommy is in charge here."
scooping her off the battered kitchen stool, i sat us both on the floor. the great egg rush suspended for the moment. little miss and i had some things to discuss. a few things to get straight. a couple of things to clear up.
the eggs would wait.
later that night, i was laying in bed, thinking about her little assertion over those brown eggs. "i have an idea -- we're both in charge!" and of course i laughed. and of course i thought her both brilliant and beautiful and a little bit bad. but what really struck me is how often i live my life just like this. poised with fragile egg over blue bowl and impishly telling my Father, "we're both in charge."
does He ever get tired of my ideas? ever get tired of my strong assertions and immature demands for control? i truly must wear Him out with how, day after day, i try to step up alongside Him and take charge, take control.
"trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him
and he will make your paths straight." ~ proverbs 3:5 - 6
so i have memorized that verse countless times -- as a child, a teen, as an adult. over and over again, i have committed those words to my memory...attempted to write them on my heart, even desperately scribbled them out on a 3x5 card and taped it to my dashboard or refrigerator door. i certainly desire to live that way, but find it hard. just below this well known verse though, is one more line. a line which, in my estimation, really needs to be included when memorizing this passage.
verse 7 : "do not be wise in your own eyes..."
ah! that's it for me. my eyes. i see the situation and i want my way. i think i am ready to hold alone that delicate egg, but that's the perspective of my own eyes. i often forget how inept and unable and downright small i am in the midst of it all. i forget how limited my vision. i am blinded by my way, my wants, my will. and so, i too, on occasion have to be scooped up and set down a bit. like bella, i need to be set straight on the matter of who exactly is running this show.
so bella and i talked on that dirty kitchen floor one evening this past week. she was quick to come around with her little southern "yes m'am." "yes m'am mommy, i know." "yes m'am mommy, you are in charge...and daddy and my teacher and tyler too." (not sure why she threw in tyler, but, sure...okay...that works for the most part).
she's easy. even with her four year old strong will, she's nothing like her rebellious and broken mama. me? sometimes i think i am a lost cause. hopeless and hard-headed. trying to trust in myself...attempting to lean on my own understanding ...acknowledging him not...oh so wise in my own eyes... and, ultimately, making a big old mess of that pretty brown egg.
fragile and foolish. broken and sometimes slightly beaten.
but He scoops me up and He sets me down... He looks me in my not so wise eyes and quietly takes what i cannot hold, whispering the words, "trust me."
again. and again. and again.