Monday, October 12, 2009

a list of questions...

though we have been plenty busy filling out forms and providing information these past couple of months, we haven't really been able to get anything new on xue zhu. the last update we received was a post surgery report and 3 pictures from the first week in august. our agency explained that the orphanage director basically "shut down" all forms of communication regarding matched children in his orphanage. in late july there was some kind of major snafu with an american family adopting a child from this xue zhu's orphanage. something was botched. the government got involved. fingers were pointed. blame was cast. tempers flared. and because the director isn't obligated to provide information, he has chosen to halt all communication. believe it or not, he can do this. our agent spent 3 weeks in china during august...though he petitioned many times to visit with the children in this orphanage that were matched with families in his agency, he was never granted permission. he left china without ever seeing xue zhu.


i had considered trying to go this fall and see her, but was told that the same would most likely happen to me. i could get all the way to guanzhou city, china and would get no further than the orphanage gate. how can this be? we have a pre-approval document from the government of china. they told us our name "is upon her." how could they possibly deny us information? a visit? an update? a picture? a tiny glimpse?


 just this week we received an email from our agent saying, "we have found a line of communicaton inside the orphanage. our source tells us that xue zhu is doing quite well since the surgery." our agent suggested we should make a list of questions we might have and he would forward them to this new source.


a list of questions? really? no guidelines? no number? no word limit? no boundaries? just an open ended list? yes, i suppose i could come up with just a few...i want to know Everything and when i am through knowing Everything, i want to know More. i want to know about her health, and her spirits, and her care...but i also want to know the sound of her laugh, the shape of toes, the feel of her hair. i am greedy in my wanting...in my knowing.
i am just a mother who wants to know her child. so i will ask..

is she happy?
is she held?
is she safe?
is she cared for?
is she comforted?


does she smile?
does she sing?
does she laugh?
does she cry?
does she call out?

is she crawling?
standing?
walking?
running?
skipping?
jumping?
dancing?

what did she wear today?
yesterday?
tomorrow?

has anyone read her a book?
tucked her in?
played a game with her?
rocked her gently?
tickled her tummy?
laughed with her?
smiled at her?
soothed her?
sung to her?
stroked her hair?
praised her?
corrected her?
noticed her?


what fills her days?
her hours?
her minutes?

has she felt the warmth of the sun?
the cool of the breeze?
the drops of gentle rain?
has she ever sat in the grass?
been pushed on a swing?
strolled through a park?
twirled around?
stepped in a puddle?
giggled?


is she warm enough?
is she full enough?
is she clean enough?
is she held enough?

does she like balls?
or books?
or dolls?
or trucks?
or animals?
or bubbles?

is there someone to call her by name?
whisper in her ear?
listen to her cry?
comfort her with touch?
wipe her face?
brush her hair?
wash her hands?

is she talking?
what does she say?
is there someone to listen?
is there someone to answer?

how soft is her skin?
her hair?
her voice?
her heart?


what does she wonder?
wish?
dream?
desire?
think?
know?
hope?
hold?



. . . just to mention a few.

7 comments:

myfourgems said...

tears...just tears.

We love you already, bella grace.

Kelly Laughlin said...

Tears too. She needs to come home. She needs to be here to experience all those things. Say the word.

Shea Gilbert said...

praying for your little girl, Jody.

Patti said...

Yes,Yes,Yes.....everything mommies want to know, don't stop tell us more! I hope it is soon enough when you can answer these questions yourself.

asgue said...

tears here too....

"I lift up my eyes to the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you -
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm -
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore." Ps.121

He is protecting his child, Jody. :)

GoodnessandMercyMom said...

No sprinkle of tears here . . . just a full downpour from a sobbing mess of a woman at her computer. My keyboard will never be the same.

Oh, Jody, your list is similar to mine only I know his laugh, his scars, his fears, his voice. It doesn't make it any easier. We're broken until they are finally in our arms for good.

Love the Ps. 121 that Angie posted and I'm claiming that for your daughter, too.

Praying for you,
Kathie

Nicole said...

Makes me want to hug my little ones a little tighter Jods! Love you.