I know that. I do. And I am sorry if I've kept anyone wondering. It wasn't my intention. I am just in a place right now where I couldn't find the energy ... or much of anything. I feel so "done" with cancer. It's hard to explain how "done." Trust me, DONE.
And, yet, I'm not. I'm not done. And I am daily reminded that I never will be. There's no bell to ring. There's no finish line to cross. Well, at least not on this earth. It is forever treatment. Forever.
Somedays that is more than I can bear. There. I said it. It is simply too much. That's where I've been these past couple of weeks.
So somedays I choose to think about other things entirely. Like Mahjong. I know some of you are wondering what the heck is going on---Jody was having blood work and worried about cancer's progression and then POOF! All of a sudden she's transformed her basement into a Mahjong parlor and she's teaching large groups of women every week and throwing parties with a few of her friends.
Yep, she is. All of this is true.
And perhaps a tad strange.
No, it doesn't replace the blood work, the tests, the waiting, the results and the reality ... but it helps me not dwell on them. It helps me feel a tiny bit normal. A tiny bit.
If I had to sit home and "take it easy" and just ponder cancer I'm pretty sure my head would pop off. Nope that's not for me. Never was and never will be. I am choosing to live. One week it might be sourdough bread, chickens and gardens ... another week it might be teaching Mahjong to lovely ladies. It is who I am. I don't know how to be someone else. Not even with cancer. I am fighting hard to be Jody. Somedays I weep because I feel her slipping away. I feel old. I feel tired. I feel scared. I feel anxious. I feel afraid. I feel angry.
These aren't feelings I've ever dealt much with. It is new territory for this old girl. When people talk about battling cancer do they know it isn't just the disease one battles? It's also fighting for myself. Fighting to feel normal. Fighting to remain me.
Oh friends, I'm fighting.
Anyway, I know I owe y'all an answer about that blood work. It came back last week not as we wished. Not as we hoped. Not as we prayed for. My numbers continue to rise and no one seems to really know why. And I don't really know what to say to God about it all. Only I wish He would answer differently. I am certain He hears and cares and loves, but I do wish He might answer differently.
So tomorrow I am having another scan. A different kind of scan. The doctors want to make sure we aren't missing something. Has the cancer mutated? Is it maybe hiding? We don't know. The blood work is concerning and we need to "overturn every stone" as my oncologist likes to say. So we are turning over another stone with tomorrow's scan.
Did you ever flip rocks as a little kid? I remember doing that a lot. We used to play in a creek bed near our home and every time I'd flip over a big stone my heart would race a little. What would I find lurking beneath? What snake or awful mysterious water thing might be waiting there ready to pounce. That's kind of how I feel tonight. I'd really like to get out of this creek bed altogether and maybe just go do something else a little less risky. Something like hopscotch or handball. Or Mahjong. But tomorrow morning we flip over another rock. And I wait for another result. And that is just the way it is these days.
So I am going to ask you again: Would you pray for me? Would you pray this new and different scan does not show anything new and different to worry about? Would you pray that I can sleep tonight and go into my weekend without the weight of this stone around my neck? Would you pray that Jesus would lighten this load.
He tells us in Matthew 11 ---
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
Oh dear ones. I believe that He is the lightener of all loads. My load. Your load. He is The Light. He is, in fact, light. I believe it with everything in me. He shines light even in the very darkest places. Even under rocks waiting to be overturned. He is already there.
He is the Light of the World.
"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." ~ John 1:5
Thank you for hanging in here with me. I am so grateful for every one of your prayers. You continue to bless me. And He hears.
