Dependence Day [Reclaiming February~Day 3 ]

I love anniversaries. Weddings. Homecomings. Happenings. Historical events. You name it, any milestone or notable achievement, and I’m there to celebrate. Will probably throw a party or at least decorate something nearby. Y’all know me.

Most of the time they invite something wonderful and worth remembering.

However, anniversaries can also, unfortunately, invoke pain, panic, and some PTSD.

Today marks one year since learning my stage 4 diagnosis. One year. It’s hard to wrap my brain around that. Four seasons. Twelve months. 365 days of waking up each morning knowing I have this ugly business of incurable cancer mysteriously floating around in me.

Is this one year mark an achievement? Can we really call it that? I suppose it is at least notable. Or worrisome. Depending on how we want to look at time marked and measured. Regardless, I don’t look too closely. I stay in the day best I can. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. The future, simply too much for me to consider most days. 

We don’t understand that until someone tells us it isn’t guaranteed. I mean the future is not guaranteed for any of us. There. You’ve been told. But that doesn’t fully compute until we have been stamped with something serious. I promise you I would very much have claimed no assurance of my days prior to this diagnosis, but I also promise you I didn’t quite get what that meant one year and one day ago. Of course I knew it in my head, but it is an entirely different matter when you feel the very ungluing of it in your gut. 

It is with different ears these days that I listen to the way we talk: 

“Someday I’m going to travel to Spain and watch the bulls run. 

Someday I’m going to organize all those old photos into albums.

Someday I’m going to hike the Appalachian Trail or canoe the Boundary Waters or climb Mt. Kilimanjaro or take a cruise on the Reine River or write a book or organize my Tupperware or be early to carpool or whatever!

We think we will always have it. This someday. 

Elusive and ethereal as it is, we put it in our pocket. We feel quite secure it will stay safely there if we do all the right things and take all the right steps. On occasion, we peek in and we pat it knowingly. Confidently. Expectantly. We might say “God willing,” but we wink at it anyway. 

This time. This treasure. This someday.

And I don’t want to change that thinking for you one bit. It is a beautiful, comfortable, luxurious kind of thing. But it changed for me a year ago and I am still learning to process. Kate Bowler said it best in her book “Everything Happens for a Reason,” when she wrote, “the future was like a language I couldn’t speak anymore.”

I’ve had a few people ask me what’s been the biggest thing this year. And, without a doubt, that is at least part of my answer — how I speak about the future.

And maybe even that is a luxury. I know some people are diagnosed and thrown immediately into the brutal pain of the right now: Hard treatments and surgeries and side effects. And where I’ve had all of those things this year, they haven’t altered my life too dramatically. Yes, I’ve had to give up some things, but not everything. Not all of it. I’m still me. I’m still living life. I am. 

Yes, the physical has changed a bit, but it’s truly the mental which has been the biggest contender. There’s a battle within which—at least right now—wages more violent than the physical. And there aren’t enough mind numbing distractions to come close to combating it. Not enough Netflix series or trips to Target or suspense-filled novels or house improvement projects. There simply aren’t enough things. There’s no pretending. No spinning. No denying. No disillusionment. There’s no instagram filter which can make it look even one bit more lovely.

So at the end of my day I’m left with the task of wading through it. Wrestling with it. Wondering about it. And, yes, sometimes, weeping over it. And the only way I can do any of that is walking with Jesus in it. It’s the only way. Again, I thought I understood what that meant one year ago. I didn’t. And I probably don’t understand today what I will in one more year, God willing. 

The only way to do this hard thing is walking with Jesus. There is nothing. NOTHING. Which you or I can bring to this level of worry and what-if. I’m not saying my walk looks super shiny these days. Somedays it’s pretty messy. I’m limping. I’m crawling. He’s carrying me. Somedays I sound like I’m hanging out with a big bunch of hooligans and heathens, certainly not the Most High. I’m irritable and anxious and on edge. I’m snippy and testy and tired and, I’m sure if you ask my family, tiresome.

But, crazy thing is, that’s when I know He’s calling me to come walk closer with him. To lean harder on Him. He doesn’t leave me sitting here in my mess. He doesn’t turn away. He doesn’t tell me to go get myself cleaned up and then come back to Him when I’m a better version of myself. He is there. He is right here washing my dirty face, wiping my tears, wrapping His arms around me and reminding me He’s in this battle with me. The physical. The mental. The spiritual. All of it. He’s with me. 

So today’s anniversary doesn’t just mark my diagnosis, but, much more importantly, it marks the day I began drawing closer to Jesus and pressing harder into Him. It marks the day I learned more deeply about my dependence on Him. I’m never going to be able to stray to far from the fact that February 3rd is my diagnosis anniversary, but because I am determined to Reclaim February, I’m declaring this day my Dependence Day Anniversary. 

“I depend on God alone; I put my hope in Him. He alone protects and sees me; His is my defender, and I shall never be defeated. My salvation and honor depend on God; He is my strong protector; He is my shelter. Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge.” Psalm 62: 5-8

Holding Me [Reclaiming February~Day2]

 

God shows His love for me pretty much every day through this guy. This husband of mine who in this past challenging year has been the physical arms holding me. 

Holding on to me. 
Somedays, holding me up.

When I’ve felt things spinning out of control, and even when I’ve acted out of control (and I have) he’s been there holding the line.
Holding me back from the edge. 
Holding me tight in the storm. 
Holding my hand in the sadness. 
And, maybe most importantly, holding me accountable to God’s Truth. 

When the doctor called to say those first awful words last February, Rick’s arms were the first arms to embrace me.

We aren’t a perfect couple. (We argued last night before bed🙄). Seriously, people. This year has tested our marriage in ways unimaginable. In ways too many to count.

But when God joined our hands together 33 years ago, God knew this bitter dance ahead and He knew Rick would hold on tight to me and love me as Christ loves. What more can I possibly say? 

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her … In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and HOLD FAST to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5

Reclaiming February

 

Happy February, friends. I’ll confess, I was a little hesitant to turn the calendar page this morning. Just the month’s name holds a good bit of PTSD. A year ago, February went drastically off the rails at our house.

It was February 3rd when I received the MBC diagnosis. Normally I love this month. It holds the birthdays of both our oldest AND our youngest (February 5th). It holds Valentines Day and sweet declarations of love. It holds the slightest beginnings of spring (at least here in the south it does). But last year I could barely hold it together as our world rocked with news of cancer’s return and spread. For me, February felt shot to pieces. Cupid and his arsenal of little arrows mocked me. The entire 28 days were a blur as I began digging out from my diagnosis and forming a medical plan, a battle plan and a brand new not-so-quite-so-shiny plan.

So on this first day of February 2023 I’m taking back the month. I’m reclaiming that which felt obliterated and overwhelming. In this “month of love,” my original idea was to share each day “something I love,” but as I was thinking through my plan this morning it occurred to me that’s not really it at all.

Reclaiming this month has little to do with what I love, and everything to do with how God shows His love to me. How even in this first year of an incurable disease, He has, again and again, demonstrated His great, unconditional and incredible love for me. Some of you might roll your eyes and even argue—A cancer diagnosis doesn’t exactly sound like anyone’s version of a love letter. Nope, it sure doesn’t. But stick with me this month and I will hope to offer you real examples of what love looks like even in some pretty unlovely circumstances.

And so today, it feels only right to begin my February Reclamation with Jesus and what He demonstrated for me on the cross. “But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8.

I didn’t earn it. I don’t deserve it. But He came and He chose to bear my sin and become the ultimate sacrifice. He did it for me. For you too. Nothing says true love like someone laying down their life for another. “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13.

Today, while working in the woods I thought I’d try to find something that resembled a cross for today’s photo. And can I just tell you it was crazy—everywhere I looked I was finding crosses. My favorite is the two roots with one growing over the other. 1st photo.

I am not sure I have it in me to post every day. I’m not sure YOU have it in YOU to read my post every day!Lol. So some days you might see my stuff pop up, but I’m taking the pressure off the every day posting.

This isn’t just about me though. I’d love you to also stop and think about how God has shown his love for you. Go ahead and begin listing the examples. I bet, like all my crosses in the woods, you’ll be suprised.

Sometimes we just have to look.

Psalm 18 and A Deep Breath

Taking a deep breath tonight, dear friends. PET scan results showed up in My Chart late today. I’ll meet tomorrow with my doctor for more details, but from what I can surmise we are seeing “a favorable response” with my treatment. There has been a notable decrease in uptake and shrinking of several spots in my bones and lymph nodes.

This is a great direction! Great news.

God gets this glory. All of it.

I told my girlfriend group today two things are going on in this battle … (and, believe me, it’s a battle).

1. These scans cause great exhaustion mentally and emotionally. I’m spent. I feel like a boulder has been literally lifted from my back this evening.

BUT …

2. The scans (and the management of this disease) continue to lead me closer and closer to Jesus. Not because I’m all of a sudden super spiritual, but because I’m desperate for Him in a way I’ve never been before. Desperate. He is opening my eyes every day—Through scripture, through the words of others, through constant prayer, through His unexplainable peace. He is leading and He is strengthening. And though cancer is most bitter, there is a sweetness in this closeness to Jesus. It is not the silver lining, it is the very gold.

Psalm 18. If you get a chance, I invite you to go find a Bible and read it. Close your eyes and see the imagery set before you — the vivid images of God fighting for me … fighting for you.

God swooping in to deliver and defend. See Him reaching down and pulling us out of deep waters. Hear his battle cry! Watch the earth tremble! Imagine the blast of rebuking breath from his nostrils! See him soar on the wings of the wind! Taste the victory.

This is battle.

And He is on our side. He is. He is. He is.

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

he drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16

Tremble - The Worship Initiative

TREMBLE

Peace, bringing it all to peace

The storm surrounding me

Let it break at Your name

Still, call the sea to still

The rage in me to still

Every wave at Your name

Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble

Jesus, Jesus, You silence fear

Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble

Jesus, Jesus

Breathe, then call these bones to live

Call these lungs to sing

Once again, I will praise

Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble

Jesus, Jesus, You silence fear

Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble

Your name is a light that the shadows can't deny

Your name cannot be overcome

Your name is alive forever lifted high

Your name cannot be overcome

Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble

Resolutions & Results: Trust

I’ve found myself this week in a bit of a holding pattern. As everyone has been declaring their 2023 New Year’s words and resolutions, I’ve felt quiet. Not quick or sure what to say. In fact, not eager to declare or proclaim anything much at all. 

After contemplating my strange hesitation all day today I’m pretty sure the reason is that, without even realizing it, I’m waiting for tomorrow. Tomorrow I have another set of scans scheduled. Tomorrow we will measure changes against my previous PET scan last fall. This is definitely not my favorite kind of week.

And it is this worry-ridden pattern that I’m finding myself all tangled up in—Declare nothing until I have some updated information. No resolutions without first some results. Zero January commitments without a concrete picture of what is currently happening inside my body.

As soon as this bit of self-understanding began to unveil itself today, I knew it was time to give my own shoulders a good shaking. This is not how it is supposed to work. I don’t want to be living in 3 month increments from scan to scan. I have never lived like this, why do I believe I should be doing so now? Everything dependent on the next scan’s results. No. No. No.

It’s true, I don’t know the future. I don’t know what these results will be and I don’t know what this year will bring. That is definitely a more pronounced way of thinking these days. But did I really have any guarantees in all of the other Januarys of my 54 years? No. I just thought I did. 

But this year has been different. If I’m honest I’ll tell you that it was kind of a rough weekend and I really wasn’t prepared for it to be so. I didn’t see the attack coming. I’ve always loved the New Year. Always loved to celebrate and anticipate and participate. I’ve always welcomed it with wide open arms and heartfelt expectation. Always. Except this year the New Year’s Eve party felt painful. 

The new year didn’t feel happy, it felt scary. I'm sure that’s true not just for me, but for others out there as well--your own diagnoses, broken relationships, shattered lives, rebellious children, lost jobs, missed loved ones, dashed dreams, and failed plans. 

When you’re not feeling whole, holidays can feel pretty lousy. I’m learning a little more about that these days. All weekend I was seeing and hearing those little New Year’s slogans like, “Cheers to the New Year!” and “The best is yet to come!” And though I tried to rally, I found myself only wanting to run fast from the phrases. 

Because what if it’s not? What if my best years are already behind me? What if. What if. What if. I know what my diagnosis says these years ahead can be, and so why would I ever want to usher them in? Why welcome something so unwanted? What exactly is the future when you are feeling unbelievably fragile?

Now, I realize that last paragraph is fraught with some pretty miserable stuff. Maybe I should have started this post with some kind of disclaimer. But I think it’s possibly important to be aware that not everyone feels like champagne bubbles and fireworks when occasions call for them. I had a little taste of that this year. It was hard to swallow. 

But, you know what’s amazing? Even in these really raw feelings and vulnerable moments, God continues to show up. He continues to show Himself in a myriad of ways. He continues to use others to speak to me. He continues to remind me of His faithfulness and His power and His mercy and, mostly, of His great love.

 Just yesterday when I was sharing some of my feelings with my oldest daughter, Emily, she ministered to me. I told her how hard that phrase “the best is yet to come” has been for me to hear. She stopped me and said, “Mom, but YOU KNOW the best IS yet to come. We will someday be with Jesus in heaven and THAT is the best to come.”  And she is so right. So right. So wise. So spot on. It was like a switch flipped and my darkness literally lifted. What inexpressible joy to have your child remind you that the best years will be our years with Jesus. Honestly, does anything else even matter in the context of eternity? 

I know some of you, on occasion, find little scraps of encouragement in my words. I’m so glad you tell me that. But I want you to know, it’s hard. I’m in the hard. I’m in a fight. A battle. Every day. Every single day. So much of it right now is mental and fear related.  And though God keeps showing Himself to me, I still have some really weak and scary days. I won’t ever lie to you about that. I won’t ever pretend it’s all easy just because I’m a Christ follower. Being a Christian means I have great hope in life, but it doesn’t mean life will be easy. I am learning every day what it means to trust Jesus with the good and with the hard. 

And so tonight as I prepare to think about yet another PET Scan tomorrow, I want to boldly share with you my resolution for 2023 —

To trust Jesus more. 

That’s it. Nothing fancy. Nothing elaborate. Just more trust. I’m not asking to better understand his plan for me.  I’m not asking for more clarity. I’m not asking for more certainty. I’m just asking for more TRUST. 

Trust. Yes, I guess that’s also going to settle the question of my word for 2023 --- Trust. 

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him.” Psalm 28:7

“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:10

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

As It Should

 

The oldest have all left now. Left for their homes and their states and their boyfriend and their girlfriend. And it's just the youngest home with Rick and me.

Chinese takeout ordered. Movie ready to play. 
And it is different. 
But it is good. 

Our kids grow up and go on. They go off.
As they should. 
As they want.
As we want.

Life can’t stay the same. Nor should it. 
We make the moments and we make the most of them— the minutes, hours, days and years. 
As we should. 

Soon 2022 will come to an end. An end to this year’s good and to its hard.
As it should.
As we want.

We wait for 2023 with open arms. 
Where there will surely be new good and new hard. 
New comings and new leavings.
New trials. New triumphs.

Like every year before.
And it is good. 
Good. 

Longing for a Cure

“If you were suffering with an illness with seemingly no cure, you would be desperate to receive not only the correct diagnosis, but also news of any effective remedy for your condition … and if the remedy was paid for and cost nothing but a willingness to come, you would be crazy not to receive it. Right? God’s people and all of creation ached with longing for sin’s remedy. They tried everything to no avail; there was no cure whatsoever for man’s brokenness. God waited for the time He appointed in history—the exact moment chose to fulfill His promise—and declared, “Hope has come.” 

And that hope was Jesus, born to do what we could not. Christmas and the anticipation of Jesus Christ, our Messiah, is precious only to the degree that we are desperate to find freedom from what ails us. Jesus was not to stay in a manger, He was born to go to the cross. And this Jesus—He is the answer we have been longing for.”  Emmanuel

For obvious reasons this morning’s writing resonated. Ruth Chou Simon’s devotional Emmanuel is gorgeous. It is thought provoking. It is exactly what I need walking through this holiday season—“an invitation to prepare Him room at Christmas and always.” 

That “ached with longing” part of which she writes, is something I know so well these days. These are not just words to me. This is a physical aching. Palpable. Deeply penetrating. Constantly present. And though my Savior has continued to give me great moments of peace and assurance in this year of diagnosis, the desperate longing for cure and health and hope is always there. It is the breath in my lungs, the beat of my heart, the underlying cadence of my days. 

It is the question asked over and over and over again— What can I do? What can I eat? Drink? Take? Avoid? Read? Believe? Embrace? Sign up for? Subscribe to? Even sacrifice?

Because, as in most things, we make it about us. What we can do. What we bring to the table. What role we have in saving ourselves. And whereas there might be some things we can do to better ourselves and better our situations … we cannot, ultimately, save ourselves. 

We are not saviors. 

We are not even survivors, really. 

We are sinners—the worst of us and the very best of us. Hopeless sinners living in a broken world aching and longing and desperate for a cure. 

For a fix. 

For something.

For a shred of some kind of hope.

We look everywhere. We look at everything. And, without doubt, there are many lovely little things which comfort, console and, even, captivate. But this world can provide no real cure for what truly ails us. 

We collect broken bits which only cause more burden. 

We sweep together pretty pieces which fail to bring true peace.

We gather moments of good and find they aren’t so great. 

This—our human condition playing out on repeat and utterly hopeless without a cure. I guess I can encourage you to go ahead and keep trying. Keep trying to make it better without Jesus. Keep trying to do it on your own. Keep trying to find the answer in self-help books and psychotherapy and, dare I say, stuff. 

It might help, but it won’t work. 

It is as stage four as my diagnosis. 

It is as seriously devastating as my disease. 

These little self-attempts--like putting bandaids on cancer in bones.

There are many, many helps, but only One Hope. 

There are many comforts, but only One Cure.

Many remedies, but only One Who Redeems.

We celebrate Christmas because …

The Cure is the Christ Child. 

Come for us. 

Come in a manger.

Come for the cross. 

Come for our longing. 

Come for our lacking. 

Come for our weeping.

Come for our worries.

Come for our despairing.

Come for our diseases.

Come for our sinning. 

Come for our salvation.

Come, because He loves us.

Let this be the Christmas you come. Come with dashed dreams. Come with broken hearts. Come with empty hands. Come as you are. 

Come and peer into the wee manger. 

Come and bow down before the rough cross. 

Come and meet the Very One come for you.

“For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; …

Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live…” John 3:36

“And whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” John 1:12

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him, 

Christ the Lord. 

For He alone is worthy,

For He alone is worthy,

For He alone is worthy, 

Christ the Lord.

            ~ John Francis Wade 1743

Making Space

In the past few weeks I’ve found myself in the same kind of driving situation several times. It seems whenever I’m about to change lanes there’s been a car in that next lane which has sped up to make sure I couldn’t get over. You know that moment when a driver zooms from behind closing off any opportunity or gap for your vehicle. We all know it’s kind of that driver’s prerogative, but it’s also kind of impolite. 

It’s not like I’m trying to cut a line or cut anyone off or anything like that. I’m talking about just a simple tap of my blinker and a clear intention to move on over. Nothing fast or furious or frantic. Nothing exceptional. Nothing exciting. Nothing extra at all. Just an attempt to change my lane. And yet, lately, time after time, the message has been clear:  No way, lady. Not today. There’s no room for you here in my lane. MY. Lane.

Today that streak changed when a kind driver in the next lane and slightly behind, slowed down and, with a smile, waved me right over. He welcomed me into his lane. And what a difference that made. I immediately felt my mood lighten and my stress level lower. It changed everything when someone made room for me. 

Because, it does change everything when we make room for others. 

Driving or living or any-thing.

I know this is a simple little thing that happens a million times a day for a million types of people. But I guess because of my unfortunate personal string of lane changing attempts, it kind of felt like a big deal this afternoon. 

I’m pretty sure the man who smiled and waved me over had no idea the impact he made on me. And that’s when the deeper piece of this hit me—so often we don’t. We don’t always realize how our little interactions and tiny gestures of kindness can sometimes lead to a much bigger impact. 

Of course driving is just one such situation. But it immediately makes me think of anytime we slide over and make room for someone. In our lane or at our lunch table. The place doesn’t much matter, but the grace of it surely does.  

We all know how it feels to be told in words or, better yet, body language, “Sorry, there’s no room for you here.” Most of us have been on both sides of that message. We’ve been the ones to relay it as well as the ones to receive. Neither truly makes anyone feel very good.

I know it’s sometimes even easy to justify the lines we draw—

Sorry, there are only 6 seats in the car. Sorry, there are only 10 chairs at the table. Sorry, only 5 spots or 4 slots or 3 tickets or 2 pieces.  Yes, I know sometimes we do have to draw a line and we can’t include everyone who asks every time. But I’m not really talking about those times as much as the ones where it just requires us to move over, to make room, to pull up another chair, to find another way. To include. To invite. To embrace. 

Those times.

My kids have been on both sides. I’ve seen it play out in their childhoods and teenage years over and over. Either way, I marvel at the opportunity lost when we don’t make room for others. When we don’t invite others in to our circles whatever those circles might be. So often they lose. We lose. 

Earlier this month a group of my girlfriends attended a concert together. The concert (Maverick City Music) was AH-MAZING, but perhaps the thing which amazed me most about the night was finding out that the girlfriend who purchased all of the tickets for us, also chose to purchase an extra ticket. She told me she always does this. It’s her thing. Whenever she buys tickets for a group of her friends or those of her kids, she buys one more than what is needed. She went on to explain she does this because there’s always someone else who wants or needs to be there. Always someone who God kind of lays on her heart to include. She plans for it. She plans to make room for someone extra. But wait!--shouts my practical voice--concert tickets are expensive. Absolutely they are. But, a gracious including, wouldn't you agree, well, that is priceless. I’ve never once thought to purchase an extra ticket to anything. But she has been doing it consistently for years and isn't that so crazy beautiful? 

The word is grace. There’s a beautiful kind of grace when we make space for someone who needs a spot. 

Concert tickets. Seats at the table. Lane changes. 

I guess it gives us something to think about. 

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, 

whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, 

you did for me."   ~ Matthew 25:40

Catching Up!

Dear Friends! Clearly I've been a little lazy with this blog the past few months. Though I share pretty often (okay, very often) on social media, I do forget to update y'all here. 

This morning I had a little extra margin and so I played a little catch up with my health updates and such. Going back over the past few months, I did try to include the correct dates. Hopefully for those of you who receive posts via email you won't get a bombardment of Jody Posts. If so, I'm so sorry.  

Thank you for reading!  

I took this photo this morning. Talk about rose colored glass --- It was truly the pinkest morning I've ever seen. Gorgeous!

Happy November! JM

~~~

"Satisfy us in the morning

with you unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy

and be glad

all our days."  

Psalm 90:14

Good News

Waking this morning with gratitude in my heart and good news in my hands.

Late yesterday, my wonderful doctor handed me favorable news— no progression, no new growth and stable mets. There was even some shrinkage of lymph nodes and a couple of spots in my pelvis. “This is excellent news,”she said. “Your current treatment is working.” I don’t think she had finished her sentence before my tears began to flow. The weight began to lift. Praise Jesus.

For those of you interested in the science/medicine—this week’s scan is something brand new. Just this summer a new type of PET/CT was approved in Georgia. It’s called the FES PET and it measures estrogen instead of glucose. It’s a huge advancement for hormone positive breast cancer. Strangely enough, my cancer wasn’t able to be seen on traditional PET, therefore, last fall (literally a year ago this week) we thought we had received good news when the scan came back “all clear.” But it was misleading. There was, indeed, cancer present, just not readable cancer. As we found out earlier this year with further testing and biopsy. Confused? Yes, we were too. But lobular cancer especially isn’t always read on traditional modalities. So, this new (estrogen) tracing ability is more accurate for women like me.

When I went in for the scan this week the technician told me I was the first patient to be scanned this way at that particular location.

Not that long ago, Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC) was considered a death sentence. In 2022, because of the advancements made in recent years, we now have the ability to (possibly) manage it as a chronic disease. How amazing to be living in these times and get to see such steps forward.

I am thankful for research, medicine and science.

I am grateful for those who push forward in finding new treatments.

I give God the glory for all of it.

In breast cancer awareness month, I urge you to keep in mind, every woman’s journey is different. Like with most things, there’s a wide spectrum when it comes to the diagnosis and disease. We must be careful to get informed and recognize this fact.

Thank you, dear friends, for standing and, more importantly, kneeling with us.

Only Mist

Every morning, on the way to school, Bella and I pass this lovely little farm tucked far back from the busy road.

This week as temperatures have cooled a bit there has been every morning the most beautiful blanket of mist covering the fields. Looks like snow doesn’t it? Well, y’all know we are nowhere near snow in the south at the start of October. No, it is only mist.

Only mist.

Often our lives can look blanketed in something heavy and cold. Blanketed in something too hard for us to handle. Blanketed in something not right for this season.

We see only so much.

We understand only so little.

I feel that way too some days. Especially in this past year.

But I was reminded this morning that even in the hardest of hard, God’s promises remain faithful and sure. Even when things look a certain way, God remains the same.

This morning, my girl, DJ Bella, had chosen to play Maverick City’s song, “Promises.” And, as we drove by, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the beauty

… of those words

… and this landscape

… and His faithfulness

in this time.

“Great is Your faithfulness to me

Great is Your faithfulness to me

From the rising sun to the setting same

I will praise Your name

Great is Your faithfulness to me

When the seasons change

You remain the same

God from age to age

Though the earth may pass away

Your word remains the same, yeah

Your history can prove

There's nothing You can't do

You're faithful and true

Though the storms may come and the winds may blow

I'll remain steadfast

And let my heart learn,

when You speak a word

It will come to pass.”

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” ~ Hebrews 13:8

Link to Promises in comments below.

So Many Promises

It’s been a great summer. A pretty quiet and even kind of lovely 3 months. But tomorrow I face new scans. The plan is every 12 weeks and it’s time again to take a look and see what’s going on or, hopefully, what isn’t going on.

My PET/CT scan is tomorrow at 2pm and results by Friday. I’d love you to join us in our prayers for peace, for strength, for good news.

Yes, the scan matters, but these things have already been found at The Cross.

So though I care much about the results,

I cling most to my Redeemer.

Psalm 27. So many promises. Over the years, I have literally marked the stuffing out of this passage. Words circled, underlined, highlighted and clung to. God’s word is so beautiful.

This passage begins with — 

“The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear?” and ends with “I am confident of this: I will see goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong

and take heart

and wait for the Lord.” 

Psalm 27

Do you need these words tonight? My guess is you might. We are all needy, dear ones.

“My heart says of you, “Seek His face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek.”

Always Something More

I have discovered a rather quirky pattern in these 7 months of treatment. After spending a day in appointments or in the infusion center, I must come home and DO something physical outdoors: weed the garden, clean up our woods, burn debris in the fire pit. The harder the better. I don’t know what this is or why it is (or what’s wrong with me and my wiring) but this is what I do. I DO something and allow myself to process what has transpired earlier in the day.

Because, truth is, there’s always something. I don’t seem to be able to go to Emory each month and leave with only lab results in hand or good medicine in my body.

There’s always something extra thrown into the deal.

This morning was no different. I was in my seat waiting on the IV hook up. Honestly I was feeling a bit frustrated as things weren’t going quickly or smoothly. I was probably feeling a little sorry for myself having to spend it in a treatment room. Lately I’ve been feeling tired of it all. Just tired. Maybe even grumpy.

And this morning the room was extra full, the wait was extra long, and I suppose I was extra impatient.

But because I was there much longer than anticipated my path crossed with a woman who I’m pretty sure was exactly what I needed this week.

I knew there was something different about her. She had a joy and a softness that was noticeable immediately. I was strumming my fingers and tapping my feet in impatience and she only had a smile and kind words for everyone around her.

She was peaceful.

We ended up in conversation. We shared our stories, our sadness, our fears … but, most importantly, our Hope.

Also a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer patient, Lisa, told me she was starting a new chemo drug today as her scans have recently shown progression. She’s had over 117 radiation treatments and 108 chemo infusions.

She told me about her children, her grandchildren, her beautiful, full life. She called herself blessed.

But she also told me about how when the treatments are hard and she can’t get out of bed for a day or two she pulls the comforter up around her and she reminds herself that the Holy Spirit is her comforter. He covers her and He comforts her and He reminds her whose she is.

She reminded me that none of what we are going through is a surprise to the Lord. He knows it all. She said she has never felt so loved by Jesus.

To some this might feel like a fake kind of happiness, but it’s not. Her confidence is in the Lord. It’s the real deal. Dear ones, fake happiness just doesn’t happen after 108 chemo treatments.

I know today I needed my bone strengthening medicine, but way more than that, I needed the hope strengthening medicine of Lisa.

I might have been there twice as long as I had planned for my appointment, but I left doubly encouraged by my time spent talking with this beautiful soul.