the new puppy syndrome

most of you have probably not adopted.  but perhaps many of you have experienced a new puppy at some point in your life.  do you remember the first few weeks? if you had children or if you were a child at the time...do you remember the sense of  I Will Never Again Leave The Side Of This Dog, My Best Friend.  there is something magical which happens when a new puppy enters the scene.  kids get up early to play with it, walk it, feed it.  children race through chores to make sure they are first in line to pet it, wash it, water it.  new puppies can shake up even the most sedate and well ordered homes.  but then a few weeks go by....and mothers are left facing mutts in their kitchens.  mothers go eyeball to eyeball with these furry, family friends.  mothers are left picking off fleas and putting on leashes. mothers are found scooping food into bowls and wondering if the dog has been appropriately hydrated.  i know this feeling.  we usually hover somewhere around the 7 pet mark at any given time.  we've had more, we've had less...but 7 seems to be the lucky or looney number in our home on average.  i am certain if something ever happened to me the pets would all go into kidney failure within the first week.  no one in our home thinks to give them water.  no one.  so just for the record, i am not comparing bella to a puppy.  not at all.  but...bringing home a new sibling, baby or toddler, can sort of mirror the new puppy syndrome.  perhaps i am reaching a bit.  regardless, the kids are All About Baby Bella....at least for the moment.
it was just two weeks ago today we left china. as we walked out of the hotel i thought to myself, "well, it will never again be quite the same."  it is hard to put words behind what those two weeks with bella looked like.  it was intense.  it was emotional.  it was special.  we had two full and somewhat uninterrupted weeks to bond with our new little girl.  as a mom of multiple children, i knew things would look very different when we arrived home and became an official family of seven.  it would still be, very much, intense, emotional and special...but different.  we were so ready to head home though.  so ready to see our other four children...it felt like we had been gone much too long.  i truly felt almost desperate to see their faces. and so we came home. and, yes, it has been different.

i've already written about how quickly bella has transitioned into our family.  she immediately seemed to connect with each one of the children.  it has been amazing to watch.  i felt like our "gotcha day" happened all over again the day we arrived in atlanta.   i was ready to burst watching our four kids welcome their new sister.  these past two weeks have been filled with the good, the challenging and the wonderful. like with any major change,  there has been much to work out, work through and work around.   we were so jet lagged coming home that the first few days seemed a bit hazy.  for me, it felt a little like that sleep-deprived state of new motherhood.  around the 3rd night home i realized no one was sleeping in their own bed....everyone seemed to have shifted.  the four kids had all been sleeping in different rooms while we were in china...younger kids with older siblings, etc... i was trying to get bella to sleep peacefully through the night. her little internal clock was set on china time and so she kept waking up.  finally things have seemed to iron out a bit this second week.  but there have been other adjustments as we've added to our family.


once we got home, the kids began this great and fantastic outdoing of one another.  each one wanted to figure out bella's every need...her every want..her every wish.   so, all of a sudden she no longer felt the need to walk or even talk.  she just started pointing to things and saying, "uugghhh!" she figured out pretty quickly she would have at least 3 or 4 kids running to meet her demands.  i could see her wheels turning, "hey, this is pretty cool, i kind of like it here!"   a couple of days ago i overheard a conversation in the backseat of the car.  bella was whining for something and each child was certain they held that magic something.  each child was convinced they alone possessed the key to bella's complete and everlasting happiness.  i sat and listened to them all begin to bicker and argue.  as their debate grew louder, so did bella's whining.  i finally had to stop the car and say in my most emphatic mommy voice, "children! THIS is not why God brought bella to our home!"  everyone got kind of quiet...even bella.  (my emphatic voice can on (rare) occasion be successful).  i didn't want to shame my children.  i am rejoicing in the depth and breadth of their love for their little sister.  but i began to realize i had to teach them a little bit about what love looks like.  love is not spoiling and giving in and constantly pacifying little ones.   the past couple of days the logical part of my brain has reconnected and my veteran mother synapses have once again fired back up. i began to realize things might have to change a little bit.  i muddled through the dusty shelves of my parenting vocabulary and came up with the greatly tattered, but important, word:  boundaries.  it is time to set some boundaries. boundaries about bella and boundaries for bella.  rick and i have always been firm believers in them. they are necessary with kids of all ages.   but i have to tell you, at first it felt a little different with bella.  she has spent two years living in an orphanage. we don't know for sure what needs were met or ignored.  we have no idea how often her cries were answered.  so, initially, i struggled with this.  i just wasn't comfortable leaving her in her bed to "cry it out."   boundary setting may always feel a little different with bella.  i don't know.  but i do know She Needs Them.  all kids do.  actually all of us do.  the funny thing is, boundaries give freedom.  boundaries bring security.  i know this.   but i just had to let these two weeks be sort of a free for all.  but now it is time for miss-princess-pants to realize she is part of a family.  we are thrilled and delighted with her arrival...but she is Part of a Family.
in just a couple of days the kids return to school.  it is time.  i have allowed them to smother their new baby sister with loads of love.  they have bickered over who can sit next to her, talk to her, stand near her, feed her, hold her, rock her....even change her diaper!  i am so not kidding.  i know all this focus, attention and help will eventually die down.  remember my earlier discussion on the new puppy.    i know very well i will be the half crazed mother in about 6 months saying, "hey...can SOMEone pleeeaaaase come get bella, i need to make dinner or vacuum or trim my fingernails or SOMEthing."  i know this.  it happened with the 3rd child, the 4th child...it will happen with the 5th...no doubt.


in the meantime, it is time to add a little structure.  i have such mixed feelings about this.  we can't hardly look at her and not want to make sure her world is  pic-ture -per-fect.  i mean...we are all willing to bend over backwards for her smile and laughter.   i've personally witnessed six people act remarkably goofy all for a giggle.   we'll stop at nothing to see her big black eyes light up.  this is love.  this is adoration.  but, teaching her to fit in...to be part of a team...to do her share...well, this is also a kind of love.  and though some of you may disagree, 2 and 1/2 is not too young to understand this.  we are giving bella more than just a name and a welcome home party...we are giving her a family.  we are giving her the chance to be a  part of something bigger than she is.  now i assure you i am not adding her name to the chore chart this week. i have no expectations for her to take her turn at the dishes or plans for her to go out and get a paper route.  (does such a thing even exist anymore?)  i am just writing the time has come for her to understand we love her unconditionally.  we love her so much we won't allow her to grunt and stomp and demand her way.  even this sweet, sweet, precious girl has a selfish nature. i know some of you bella fans just might consider egging my house after reading that...but trust me on this.   it is just how we come.  no one is exempt.  we all, even orphaned children, suffer from the disease of MeFirst-ism..  i have even seen evidence of it already.  gasp!  i know.  much of me has wanted to say, "sure baby...whatever you want darling girl... ice cream for breakfast?  finger painting on the sofa?  fine china in the bathtub?  a pony? a peacock? a panda bear?  sure!  your wish is my command!" 


hear me on this.  we LOVE her.  we ADORE her.  we are HEAD over HEELS crazy for her.  we love her so much we want her to grow and thrive and flourish.  we love her so much we know she needs the firmness of our "no",  the holding of our hand,  and the safety of our arms.  there are moments where she will run reckless across the lawn and other moments where she will need to sit buckled in her stroller.  we might have days where we picnic on the kitchen floor and other days where she will have to sit secured in her booster seat.  i have to tell you this is never easy.  it wasn't easy figuring this out with our first child and it isn't easy with our fifth.  i am more convinced with the fifth though because i have seen it work. i have also, by the way, seen what happens when it doesn't work.  oh my.


i can't possibly leave this post tonight though without telling you i have a child beginning high school in just a matter of days.  talk about boundaries!  it is sort of amusing to me as i write this post about a two year old.  i really should be spending my words and energy discussing the security and safety of boundaries with teenage daughters.  i'll save that topic for another night though...

bella's heart

since hearing about bella's complex heart issues last summer we have waited (not at all patiently) for the day we would take her to a cardiologist here in atlanta.   i was an english major- a teacher.  rick is a businessman.  neither of us is exactly well versed in subjects of biology. anatomy.  the heart.  i might be able to recite a sonnet about the heart, but i sure as heck couldn't explain how the organ actually functions. again, we had to be a little puzzled about God choosing us to go chase down a baby girl with chronic heart disease.  throughout this year i have stopped several times and asked Him, "are you sure?   Lord, are you sure it is supposed to be us?"  i'll definitely read bella poetry about her heart...but she needs so much more than poetry.


august 6th was the day.  if you've read through my blog you know that appointment had to be changed three different times as we waited for bella.   but finally bella was here and the day was here and we were on our way to see the highly recommended specialist, dr. sabino, at sibley heart center.  as we left the house bella only knew we were "going bye-bye." 

during her EKG bella was not at all happy with the wires and stickers and "things"  (remember, i am not a medical person) they put on her.  i am sure there are some memories in her little head of these items and i can't imagine they are pleasant.  anyway, she was comforted with bubbles and stickers.  but when we went in to do the ECHO/ultrasound, the technician explained bella would have to lie pretty still and it might take about 30 minutes to get all the pictures the doctor would need.  i kind of looked at her and thought, "she's two.  since when does a two year old lie pretty still, anywhere?  let alone on a strange table with machines beeping and humming around her."   we had no choice.  this was what we were waiting for.  this would be the thing that would finally give us answers to our long list of questions regarding her health.  her future.  we laid her down and i crawled up on the table with her.  the lights dimmed and elmo came on the TV in the ceiling.  our technician was amazing.  she kept a big smile on her face and used a soothing voice the entire time.  within 5 minutes bella was fast asleep.  asleep.  10 am in the morning and bella had fallen asleep on a table. shirtless. cold gel on her body.  an ultrasound probe running up and down her little chest.  she was asleep.  none of us could believe it.  this wasn't bella's nap time and she certainly wasn't in a comfy and secure place.  but asleep she fell.  the technician finished her pictures and video. dr. sabino came in all smiles.  we liked him immediately.  he was able to review the pictures, speak at length with us, and compare everything to the notes and files we had with us (scant info at best).  then he decided to do his own ultrasound pictures.  it was a luxury.  bella was still sleeping soundly and he took advantage of her quiet, still body.  he took his time and studied everything on the screen, the entire time talking to rick and me about what he was seeing and explaining all of it in detail.  all in all, over 45 minutes had been spent studying bella's heart.   dr. sabino finished and sat back in his seat.  at this very moment bella opened her eyes.   i am sure if rick hadn't been in that room with me, i would question myself on whether this really had happened. as i sit here this morning and type out the day's story i realize how unbelievable this sounds.   i would have to question myself....had she REALLY been asleep the entire procedure.  really?  only one explanation:   i knew God was listening to the prayers of countless friends and family members. there is no doubt.  none. you prayed for a peaceful drs appointment and that is what we had.  what a blessing.

that was a cool, no, make that very cool moment.  but the best is yet to tell.  after studying everything carefully, dr. sabino looked up at us and said the surgery done last summer in china was a "complete repair."

i wondered if i heard him correctly. he went on to explain, her heart wasn't ever going to be normal and fully corrected, but what had been done had addressed all three areas. (pulmonary stenosis, transposition and the VSD).  we didn't expect that.  the surgical notes we had received did not lead us to believe this in any way. we very much expected to bring her home and find out she needed more surgery. she needed something.   but the REV surgery was a sophisticated, french surgery and the surgeon had been very bold.  he didn't put a bandaid on her situation, he went in all guns blazing.  there is no doubt this surgery saved her life.  she was blue, actually purple, when she went into the hospital last july.  she would not have made it very long without something major.  and something major is exactly what she got.  we still don't know who the surgeon was, or where the surgery was done...we don't know the details.  we are working on finding out this information.   i would love to give this man or woman a hug.  i'd love to give them a picture of bella with her new family.  i'd love to give them a glimpse of her running through our yard or giggling on our floor. i'd love to show them the life they had saved. the life of my little girl.  maybe someday. 

back to dr. sabino. he was amazing.  he took the time to draw the diagram of what bella's heart actually now looks like.  very different from yours or mine.  the plumbing is all quite unique to bella.   but the good news is it works.  her heart has two successfully pumping chambers and everything is doing what it needs to be doing. (i am still not fully understanding all of this "doing"...BUT i am learning).  she will need to have a valve replaced possibly in 5-7 years because of growth.  the valve won't grow with her...so it will need to be changed.  but that's it. nothing right now.  dr. sabino sat us in his office.  he looked into our faces and said, "hear me on this.  don't treat this child as fragile.  don't cardiac cripple this little girl.  she can do all the things other two year olds can do."  he was clear:  no limitations.  no restrictions.  no medications.  "let her be normal.  she is healthy."    oh friends, i can't tell you.  i just can't tell you what those words mean to this mother.  we never expected words so bold.   words so good.  words sounding quite so beautiful.   we know bella's heart will always be monitored...she will always have chronic heart disease....but she has been restored to health. 

throughout this year we are aware of the thousands of prayers which have been said for bella's heart.  we have heard our children pray daily for healing and protection.  we have received your messages and notes and words telling us of your prayers...the prayers of your children.  i know of two little girls in our circle of friends who have prayed each and every night for our little girl.  we have had friends come to our home to pray.  friends pray with us on the phone...in the car....i've had friends type out their prayers in email and inbox messages. it has been an amazing gift to our family.  we want more than anything for bella's story to reflect our God.  a God who listens.  a God who hears.  a God who desires to repair...restore...heal.    this story is not about a little girl who now has cute clothes and too many pairs of shoes.  this is not about bella blowing bubbles or eating an ice cream cone for the first time.  this story is about the God who created her and who sustains her and who will be very much glorified in her.

the story of bella has been a little dramatic.  a little captivating. i am looking forward to the day where i will write to you simply about bella learning to tie her shoes or bella learning to ride a bike. i am looking forward to rejoicing in her mastery of the ABC's or her ability to skip rope.  we have spent so much time this year on big things...like getting her home....like wondering about her heart.  sometimes we go through big things in life.   we've often felt like we were swimming in the bigness of bella's story.  but we know it is not where we are designed to live.  we were at this place to reflect God.   i have shared this story and this blog because i knew even a year ago this was not my story to keep private. initially that was my intent.  i started this blog to just keep my own personal record of bella's story.  i realized soon after, it wasn't mine to keep to myself.  i started to share it with just a few friends and family members and then finally relinquished it.  it wasn't mine to keep.   my prayer is that some of you were blessed by bella's journey.  my prayer is that some of you were encouraged.  even that some of you were motivated.  

there is this little sign in the stairwell going down to our basement.  it reads:  "home is where your story begins."  in some ways bella's story began when a young woman gave birth to her 2 and 1/2 years ago.  in some ways her story began when she was found in a hospital stairwell 2 years ago.  in some ways her story began when she received a life-saving surgery last july. and in some ways her story began when she came home to her forever family.  we are not sure exactly what we should call "the beginning"....we only know it has, indeed, begun...and with every beat of our own hearts we are thankful.  so very thankful.

"arise, shine, for your light has come,

and the glory of the Lord rises upon you...

your sons come from afar,

and your daughters are carried on the arm.

then you will look and be radiant,

your heart will throb and swell with joy." 

~ isaiah 60:1 and 4, 5

homecoming

coming home.  homecoming.   welcome home.  home sweet home. there's no place like home.  these words and phrases seem to imply home is a place to which we return.  we've been there, left, and now come back.  the prodigal son returned home...dorothy and her dog, toto, returned home...even ET returned home.  these are just a few of the joyful examples of homecoming.  but what if you are not returning...what if you are just coming. coming home for the first time.  can it still be coming home?  absolutely!  after this weekend, i can write with assurance it is just as much a type of homecoming.  and it is certainly just as much a celebration.  on saturday, july 31st 2010, bella grace came home.  there wasn't a parade or a marching band and we didn't slaughter a fatted calf.   ruby slippers weren't involved and neither was a spaceship.  bella's homecoming took one year and 24 days.  it took approximately 4000 pieces of paper and at least 500 approvals.  it took a series of official stamps and a series of official shots.  it required us to uncover every corner of our life and disclose every dollar in our account.  it took about 26 hours of travel on two different airplanes.  but bella grace xue mcnatt did finally come home.  and home has never felt sweeter.  

some friends and our children met us at the airport.  bella's name was spelled out in large letters.  there were balloons.  but it was the faces of my children i will always remember.  i am not sure i've ever seen smiles that big.  we couldn't hug each other tight enough. close enough. long enough.  in the last few days before leaving china i was really struggling.  i was missing them so much it seemed physical.  i longed for them.  i longed to see them with bella. i could feel that longing in my limbs, in my shoulders, in my back.   my hands almost ached for wanting to touch them.  as i write this, i think it sounds kind of weird...but that's just how it felt.  when i was able to finally have them in my arms i couldn't get enough of them.  there was one moment in the airport where i had all three girls in my arms and i felt the ache begin to loosen.  and then began the celebration of their union with bella.  unbelieveable joy. it was hardly containable.  after traveling for more than a day we were heavily draped in exhaustion but there was this crazy exhiliration which kept bubbling up all day as i would watch all five kids together.  it seemed like we were moving through a dream.  i had dreamt many times of this very day and so it was this strange deja vu kind of thing.  i was captivated by all of it.

bella fashion by emily

we came home to find something better than a parade and a marching band...we found a clean house!  the kids and some friends had worked the entire day before cleaning every corner of our home.  emily, our oldest, had made a list and assigned everyone a different chore.  sheets were washed, floors were mopped, cupboards organized, carpets swept and rooms picked up.  it was amazing.  the benefits of going to china for two weeks and adopting are endless!   my sweet friend, michelle, had spoken with emily about a grocery list and she and her husband, randy, had shopped for groceries filling our pantry and refrigerator full of staples.  we had meals in the freezer and flowers on the counter.  the kids had also been busy with a few surprises.  they had shopped for gifts for bella, all of which were precious.  while we were gone they had been working on a special scrapbook.  the two girls who stayed with them, holly and lauren stone, had helped them put together a welcome home scrapbook for bella.  each child had designed their own page and written a note to bella.  what a treasure.  it is absolutely beautiful.  again, i highly recommend traveling to china and adopting.  no telling of what your kids are capable!  emily had also taken the time to sew an outfit for bella.  completely little girl chic.  i would have bought this in a boutique...it is that cute.  anyway, we were blown away by our children and our friends. sorry if i sound like i am bragging about our children, just know this is not typical behavior.  what was most important was not the clean house, but that they wanted to bless us as we came home. we felt loved and encouraged.  it was good to be home.

bella. bella came into our home like she had lived there forever.  she didn't seem shy or overwhelmed.  not even when she met our 150 pound golden retriever.  she was clearly excited by it all.  but not fearful or even hesitant.  she ran from thing to thing...room to room...but she seemed to just be at home with it all.  again, we were amazed.  how could she just plop down in the middle of our life and seem to have always been there.  she was coming home.  this was just further affirmation of the fact that this was exactly where she was meant to be.  not that we needed more convincing.  we kind of knew this back in china.  but what joy it was to see her just fit right in like a tiny puzzle piece that had been missing.  the picture was complete.  and our joy was complete.   she played and laughed and enjoyed everything and everybody. she knew immediately she had the attention of 6 individuals and it was clear she liked it.  i watched as my four children tripped over each other trying to meet her needs or accomodate her wants.  they each wanted her all to themselves.  they each were worried that the other kids had had more time with her.  i quickly realized we were in need of an egg timer and whistle.  it was time to put on my referee jersey...not necessarily my favorite role as mother,   but it was all priceless to be watching.  i didn't even mind the bickering so much...they were all there.  all together.  all home.   at the end of the day i came down the basement to find all 5 of them and rick watching a movie together.  this picture is worth a thousand of my blogging words. bella was home. 

homecoming

for this child i prayed...

"as surely as you live, my lord, i am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the Lord.  i prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what i asked of Him.  so now i give him to the Lord.  for his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.  and he worshipped the Lord there."  

 ~ 1 samuel 1:26-28

perhaps it isn't a perfect comparison.  i wasn't barren and longing for one son like hannah.  our quiver was actually kind of full.  but, nonetheless, her words strike a tender place in me. she longed for something so much it caused her to fall to her knees.  it caused her to beg.  it caused her to even bargain.  her husband, elkanah, asked her why he wasn't enough.  "don't i mean more to you than ten sons?" (eye roll).  her priest, eli, observed her praying and wondered if she might be drunk. "get rid of your wine!" he callously told her.  hannah hadn't been drinking, she had been praying. i suppose sometimes those two things can seem similar. let's face it men don't always understand the great emotions of a woman.  hannah is clearly a case in point.   she prayed and she wept and she poured out her heart to her God.  this was a woman who was ready to pull out all the stops whether the menfolk were on board or not. 
for me,  it was strange to have four children already in my home and yet to feel moved to pray for a fifth.  some would call it indulgent.  some cultures would even find it offensive - at the very least globally  irresponsible.  anyone watching our family knows we have enough on our plates.  but if you've been journeying with us for any length of time, you also know this was something layed on our hearts. it wasn't something we ever tried to make much sense of...it wasn't something we attempted to graph or analyze or chart.  sure, we did a little of that early on...i remember sitting at a pool last summer and making a list of all the reasons why we should say YES to bella.  i never got to the NO portion...never wrote down the "cons" ...i knew there were many practical reasons why we shouldn't adopt.  some people even attempted to bring them to our attention.  but, i never wrote them down.  the YES list was all we needed.   one thing we said early on, was that we didn't know how this story would end.  we didn't know if God would really lead us all the way to china...all the way to this little girl.  we hoped.  but we know sometimes He brings things into our lives for other reasons.  last summer as we began to pursue bella we found out she was admitted into the hospital here in china for emergency open heart surgery.  the very week she was placed on our hearts was the week she was undergoing an operation on her own heart.  the very week.  isn't that mind-blowing? we had shared her story with our friends and family.  we knew at that point hundreds of people were praying for this little girl.  this little girl who was virtually alone in a hospital for an entire month.  i remember thinking that this could be the very reason God introduced bella into our lives.  just for the prayers of so many. i knew that it could have very well been about the prayers for her and not necessarily the adoption for us.   i remember bargaining with Him a little.  telling God, yes, i understood this could be how He worked...but promising, a bit like hannah did,  to give her to Him, if He would just bring her to us.  "then i will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor  will ever be used on his head."  bella's haircut tells me the razor thing is already a done deal...but it wasn't of my doing.  can we modify that just a bit...how about a razor will never, AGAIN, be used on her head?  anyway, i recall the many deals i attempted to strike up with God.  silly woman.  we don't need to make deals with God.  this isn't how He works.  i know that now and i knew that then.  but sometimes, we mamas get desperate.  rick and i agreed to just take one step at a time and do our best to listen to the Lord's leading.  that was all we could do.  it is amazing to sit here this morning on our last day in china.  we leave later today and we have the exceeding and abundant gift of bringing home a little girl we call bella. we weren't sure last summer how this story would end.  we hoped desperately to be at this point some day.  and now we are here.  the truth is, we still don't know the ending.  in many ways we feel like we are back at the beginning.  we are about to enter another new chapter with bella.  a new bella.  a new life. the very thought brings tears.  i thought i'd cried it all out already and yet i sit here in my hotel room and think about bringing her home and i am overwhelmed with the goodness of it.  the absolute goodness of my God.  how can i want anything else but to offer her to Him.  this has always been about His glory and though we don't know how He will use her life, we do know it will continue to be about His glory. 
i think back over this year and remember the tears, the prayers, the pains of adoption paperwork.  they are like the pains of childbirth...soon forgotten in the aftermath of joy.   i look into bella's eyes and i can hardly remember the 5000 forms required to get us to her.  they are nothing.  they are nothing in comparsion to the little girl in our arms.   we will most certainly dedicate this child to the Lord.  just like we've done with our other children, we know she belongs to Jesus.  we might not enter the temple as hannah did, with a three-year-old bull, an ephah of flour and a skin of wine, but we dedicate her nonetheless.  she is His.  she has always been His. and to God be the glory.

"i prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what i asked of Him,

 so now i giver her to the Lord..."

operating instructions

you've heard the expression babies don't always come with operating instructions, right? every new parent secretly wishes the stork would have dropped off a special manual when he made his bouncing baby delivery. i know. i was that new parent once. actually, i would have eagerly accepted a directional booklet for any of my children at any age.  there is always so much to find out...so much to figure out. adopting a 2 and 1/2 year old is no different. we have used the past week to decipher the meaning of each look, sound and mood.  we've figured out little things like bella loves ice cream.  and we've figured out some bigger things like bella sometimes prefers not to be touched. she probably didn't always have an eager mommy or daddy's hands on her and we can see that. she wakes from her nap and wants us to sit near her, but not hug her tight or stroke her arm. at other times she wants very much for us to hold her closely and rub her back. it has been a terrific exercise in reading her body language.  we have figured out how she can be seemingly helpless, asking us to feed her or do something simple and the next thing i know she insists on running ahead or doing it her way. i can almost hear her adamant voice demand, "I DO IT!" we are just weeks, maybe days, away from hearing that expression come squealing out of her determined little mouth. she has this feisty little side that kind of takes people by surprise. she is tiny and delicate and sweet, but completely unannounced bossy betty moves in. she begins pointing and chattering and positioning herself. it is really something to watch. i am a little intimidated, but please don't tell her that...or at least wait until she is 18 or so. no, let's make that 30. in the meantime, i am doing my best to put on my seasoned mommy face, as i tell her, "yeah, been there...done that. you don't scare me, little miss." i find it so interesting that God has chosen for me three daughters who all have this brilliantly strong streak in them. my parents would quickly tell you it is paybacks. at the very least, it is evidence we serve a God with a great sense of humor.   anyway, she is most definitely doing all of the wonderful and terrible things two year olds do. i have a feeling this will be humbling year for me. a blessed year, no doubt, but also humbling. if you happen to see me giving in or bribing her or choosing that lovely path of least resistance parenting, would you kindly look away...or at least smile kindly? i am making her sound like a terror. she is not. she is absolutely delicious. but she is two. enough said.

bella did not come with operating instructions, but she did have a few odds and ends with her when we met:


her outfit - bright green shorts and a yellow top and garfield sandals.
a throw pillow - with which she likes to sleep. actually with which she needs to sleep. we haven't attempted to experiment otherwise.
a strange sculpture of a rat - a gift from the orphanage - umm...not sure about the rat thing.
a bag of medicine for her cold - all of which was in chinese and most of which we were clueless on how to use.   we went to see the american/canadian doctor quickly.
a baby blanket and photo album -  last year we had sent her a care package.  these were two of the items in the package. we had never been able to find out if she received them. so we were floored to see them show up with her.  the album had pictures of our family, her home, our pets and our life...perhaps someone did take the time to thumb through it with her on occasion. 
a milk container - she had in her hands a little container of milk when she walked up to us. perhaps it was supposed to be a hint about what she might drink.  when we we first layed eyes on her, we weren't thinkng about the milk container.  the only reason i know she had it, is from the pictures.  we should have paid more attention.


there is one other thing bella brought which i think is worth sharing.  we didn't recognize this gift right away, but we have grown very much to appreciate it.  we can tell bella was well cared for in her orphanage. this is not such a tangible item as those listed above, but i have had so much pleasure in seeing evidence of this gift. let me explain.  bella pays special attention to her grooming needs. she is careful to wash and wipe her hands and face. i know this seems really small, but it isn't. it tells me someone took the time to keep her clean and even to teach her good habits. last night after wiping her hands on a towel in the bathroom, it fell off the rack. she worked very hard to get it back up to where it belonged. she didn't just drop it on the floor or ignore it.  perhaps she can work with her 12 year old brother when we return. anyway, i have noticed this in how she cares for her toys and things as well. she is careful to put things back in their place.  i can tell she likes order.  in addition, if there are crumbs on the table, or a spot of something spills she insists on wiping it up.  what a bonus in a soon to be household of seven!  now you may think i am reading too much into this, but i assure you, it is a good sign. bella lived two full years in this orphanage, during a time where she was developing important building blocks for her future. i will glory in every little glimpse i discover. when the nanny handed her to us she told us (via our interpreter) that she was a favorite at the orphanage with all the nannies. they all loved her and referred to her as the "angel of the orphanage"...that was the first thing we were told about our daughter as she was placed into our arms. i couldn't agree more. when we returned a few days later and watched some of the children and nannies with her, it was clear, she had been well loved.  above and beyond all things, i am most grateful for this.  it was my specific and even desperate prayer the entire year we pursued her.  "please, Lord, let there be people around her to offer comfort, attention,  love, and a soft touch. please, Lord, allow someone to provide a soft touch for our child."
none of these items on the above list are incredibly special.  but i will never forget them.  they are all bella carried from her old life to her new life.  a typical two year old could usually fill a wagon with all their special and favorite items.  our other kids at two were well versed in the expression, "mine!" they had heaping piles of treasures by 30 months. bella held in her hand a small milk container.  is it any wonder rick and i have fallen over one another this week as we've given her toys, touches, clothes, baths, books, hugs, smiles,  puzzles, experiences, food, laughter, memories, drinks, shoes, time, boundaries, naps, medicine, ice cream cones....our love.  is it any wonder?

a sweet spot with bella

dearest bella ~ it is monday morning in china.  i woke early today.  very early.  there is rain on my 15th story window, but i don't really see it.  this past week we have walked in pure sunshine.  i don't really have the words to describe how we've felt since first meeting you, but pure sunshine is as close as i can come.  today we celebrate one week together.  only one week?  can it be possible?  perhaps it was the journey toward you that began this tremendous burst of  love for you. there is no logical explanation.  but it seems you've always been woven into our family.  into our hearts.  we know you so well already.  it might have something to do with the hours of staring we do.  you sleep.  we stare.  you eat.  we stare.  you laugh. we laugh.  oh how we've laughed at you and with you in these seven days.  there is so much to enjoy.  it is like a spring overflowing and we just can't keep up with the rush of water.  consumed and happily drowning.  now, sweet girl, we will board a plane in just a matter of days.  i have no doubt you'll be just as delightful on american soil, but life is about to change.   i keep whispering into your tiny ear, "bella, you are the youngest of five.  repeat after mama, 'youngest of five.'"  it is a place of honor.  a place of privilege. a place of occasional indulgence.  but it is, indeed,  a different place then where we have resided this week.   we have grown accustomed to waking up and enjoying a leisurely breakfast buffet in a beautiful hotel.  people pour our coffee and bring us silverware and stand nearby ready to assist with our smallest want.  oh, my darling, not so in the mcnatt morning kitchen.  it is a place where you get your own silverware (and wash it if there is none clean to be found---always a possibility).  it is a place where the waffles come out of boxes and the breakfast isn't always a warm one.  if you're not especially quick the last cinnamon roll will be snatched right off the plate in front of you and somedays the milk container runs empty.  right now i cannot imagine not making you a special bowl of congee each morning.  i cannot fathom not sitting and spoon feeding you bite sized morsels each meal.  but bite-size-morsel-feeding just isn't on the  menu when you are the youngest of five.  especially when you are a 2 and 1/2 year old who is quite capable of feeding herself.  you have been so funny bella.  i know you have spent two years in an orphanage and have finely tuned survival skills.  we have seen evidence of those most amazing skills.  but you are also so willing to let us coddle and cuddle and comfort you.  you figured out quickly you didn't have to fight for your food and protect your plate at meals.  and quickly you began asking us to feed you.  even raisins and cheerios.  you love to point at each piece of food, asking us with your eyes to spoon it into your open mouth. like a baby bird.  i know by some standards this is ridiculous.  but it is like you have this instinct which knows you need to go backwards a bit.  i imagine your spoon feeding days at the orphanage were short lived.  i imagine you've never sat a table as center of attention.  every child needs that...at least for a little while.  no doubt when we arrive home there will be plenty of people who will continue to promote and protect your queen-bee status.   there will be no shortage of spoon feeders and hand holders. i know of at least four children ready and waiting to gobble you right up.  i am already imagining my job refereeing.    but, life will have to, at some point, resume again in our household of seven.   you were made for our family.  God hand chose you to be our baby.  our youngest.  He knew what He was doing and i have no doubt, somehow, He goes before us in this time of transition.  what we want you to know is how much we adore you after only seven days.  we cannot imagine it had we missed this opportunity to find you.   i lay in bed at night and think how easily it would have been to logically and practically and even responsibly have said, "no."   i am almost paralyzed with the thought of it.  you, bella-b, are a great big YES child.  you are as much a wonderful decision as your four older brothers and sisters.  i praise God even right this very moment that somehow He kept tapping on the door of our hearts.  He didn't allow us to stop.  He pushed us forward in our fear and He knocked down the walls of our logical thinking.  most of all,  He promised us along the way He would be with us.  i cannot tell you that i have always felt at the center of His will.  i wish i could say i live there daily.  but, i am afraid that might not be fully true.  but with you...we have very much experienced the sweet spot of knowing we were exactly where Jesus asked us to be.  and whether at a table covered in fine linen or a counter sticky with eggo syrup...it is a sweet spot indeed.

shopping, drinking and hoping in guangzhou city china

so in the past couple of days we've had some time to do a little shopping.  we've strolled in and out of  stores and around the markets. i am fascinated by it all.  i could easily stand and watch a duck being de-feathered or listen to a wizened old woman share with me (in rapid chinese) the details of her jade.  no matter, i am delighted. i love just shaking my head and making affirming noises.  i think we understand each other in some small way.   i am, however, driving my husband crazy.  i enjoy weaving from stall to stall, taking pictures and having funny conversations.  he follows me with bella in the stroller doing his best to act as body guard to us both.   he is 6'4...picture him in "the stance"... arms crossed,  shades on and shoulders back.  he is so not messing around.  he knows we are somewhat of a spectacle.  people are fascinated with the fact that,  A. we are americans, and B. we have a chinese daughter...oh, and C.  she sucks her fingers.  apparently sucking your fingers in china is a terrible offense.  we've had countless people try to tell us to make her stop.  several people have gotten down at her level and harshly said, NO!  or something like NO in chinese.   really, we have NO idea what they are telling her.  yesterday one woman kept following us around. she made a sour face and smacked her ear (not bella's ear - that would have been "go time" for body guard daddy).  she kept following us and smacking her own ear.  i had no idea what the ear had to do with it, but  i finally had to tell her in my sweetest american voice to get lost.  bella's lived two years in an orphanage. she's had no one to offer consistent comfort, nothing but her two fingers...if she wants to suck on them, she sure as heck can.  we'll deal with the ortho bills later. and besides, we find it kind of cute.   anyway, going out on the streets is always an adventure.  we are staying in this great hotel, but once you exit off its premesis, it truly is every man, woman and child for themselves.  i have never seen anything like it.  bangkok was busy and crazy, but the crowd seemed more respectful of one another.  new york city is congested and chaotic, but i am telling you the streets in guangzhou make nyc seem almost idyllic.  if you are not paying attention you could easily be plowed down by a pedestrian, a bicycle or vehicle - i use the term loosely.   it is wall to wall people and bumper to bumper cars.   yesterday we had to take a taxi to the medical clinic.  we could not go with our group because i had woken up with "travelers flu" (a whole other story, one that i'm NOT about to tell) and was just not able to get on the bus at 9:30 am with everyone else.   so we were on our own.  it was imperative that we get to the clinic before noon and have bella's TB test read.   our guide had written down on a piece of paper the address of the clinic and when it came time to go we handed it to the taxi driver.  what should have taken 20 minutes and cost 20 yen turned into a 50 minute and 50 yen trip.  it was the ride of a lifetime.  i already had a sick stomach, there was no air conditioning,  some loud clanging music was playing repeatedly, and the driver was weaving around cars and turning sharply in front of oncoming buses...it was the craziest thing ever. about 10  minutes into the trip  i realized the only way i was getting through this experience was to close my eyes.  of course there also are no car seats in china, i held bella on my lap and we were both a sweaty mess by the time we arrived at the clinic, 50 yen and 50 minutes later.  we were all pretty much  in need of the clinic by the time we arrived.

drink shopping at trust-mart

okay, i have to tell you also about the issues we've had getting bella to drink.  you know from the posts and the pictures (and the crazy dinner video) this girl never stops eating.  this is true.  we are amazed at her appetite.  but drinking has been entirely a different matter.   with her cough and cold the liquids are quite important.  we are in a climate with heat so intense it is easily to get zapped just sitting still.   however, bella has been quite resistant about what she will drink.  the nanny who handed her to us last monday said she liked a bottle first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  that worked for about one day...then she was done with her bottle (not entirely a bad thing at age 2).  but since then we've been working on every type of drink,  drinking device and drinking methodology known to man.  i mean it, barring alcohol, there is no liquid in all of guangzhou city which we haven't offered bella.  rick is the most adamant about getting her to drink. when he was offering her a milk yesterday i got up and left the room, i told him i couldn't stand to see him rejected one more time.   now, before any of you get too worried, she is getting enough.  we are monitoring all the signs...and have no reason for real alarm.  and yesterday we finally had a breakthrough.  i allowed miss independent pants the chance to pour her own water bottle into the cap of the bottle (looks like a little cup)...ooh she was delighted!  reminder for jody:  two year olds like everything to be a game. even their hydration needs.   uuugggh.....i knew that...but it has been a few years and i have to get back on my toddler game.   rick would probably also like me to tell you how he scoured the city and came up with a drink called gigi.  it is in a pouch and is sort of a jello-like substance...i like to refer to it as gelatinous gunk...but he is certain it is full of vitamins and minerals.   nonetheless, it has a picture of a young chinese rockstar on it...sort of a justin beiber looking young man.  i don't know if it is the rockstar influence or what, but bella seems to really like her gelatinous gunk.  our guides did assure us it was pretty much only fruit juice.    but between heading off to buy specialty drinks for bella and gatorade for me, rick has been earning his keep.  i wish you could see where he has been shopping as well, the local, "trust-mart."  it is a giant kind of wal-mart.  but think a little more rustic and lot more smelly.  next to the diaper aisle you are sure to find pickled duck feet and fish heads.  it is quite an adventure.  i try to send him at least once a day...he'll never again mind being asked to run in for milk at the publix back home.  seriously, it is fabulous.  i wish i could capture all the wonderful and terrible things that are a part of our experience.  even the stuff that is uncomfortable and unappetizing...it is all good.  different, yes...but good.

one of the things we have been doing while we shop is collecting gifts which we will give bella each year at her gotcha day celebration.  we'd like to present her with something every year until she is 18 (i so stole this idea from my friend, anna)... today i picked out a pearl ring for her 16th birthday.   before you get really impressed with our shopping ahead for 18 years, please know we are only doing this because we are in china.  i can't shop ahead for anything anymore.  i tried to do that for a while...it sounded so organized and well planned...but at 41 years of age, i can readily admit, i am too impetuous.  i find entirely too much pleasure in the heat of the moment type shopping - a character flaw, to be sure.  anyway, back to the pearl ring.  i looked at this ring and thought about her fingers at that age...i thought about her at that age.  we have possibly a long road ahead as we figure out bella's medical needs. but i can't wait to get home and tuck away this ring and the other precious items for our girl. it is a little bit like her hope chest.  and we do have great hope for our girl...great hope for her future.  it is exactly what our God promises.  "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  ~ jeremiah 29:11  it doesn't get any better than that.

bella's little body...

so many of you have been asking about how bella is doing physically. she looks darling, can sure pull off the purple tutu thing and has a smile which lights up the room...but we know there is more to this picture. i thought i'd write a short note to fill you in on what we know right now.




a little history...
when we first found out about bella last july we knew from her referral she had been diagnosed with congenital heart defect. bella has pulmonary stenosis with transposition of the great arteries. in addition, she has a vascular septal defect (VSD) or a hole in her heart.


while we were going through the initial adoption process last year, we found out she was rushed in for an emergency heart surgery. she spent the entire month of july in a hospital here in guangzhou city. it made us only want to pursue her that much more.


this was a hard time though. we started to talk with more and more doctors and specialists...some of which were very discouraging. we had more than one doctor tell us she was not a good candidate for adoption. one very sweet doctor cried on the phone with me...she said she could not encourage us to pursue this child...she might only live to see age 5 or 6. we had a couple of doctors warn us that her oxygen levels could have been compromised during her illness. therefore her cognitive aiblities could have been affected. the numbers and readings and figures weren't adding up to a positive result. i didn't know what 95% of any of it meant. i really believe that was a blessing. we seriously didn't know enough to be scared off. we just kept agreeing to take one more step. that is how all this happened friends. one little step at a time. that was all God was asking of us. just the next step.


so...after her one month stay in the hospital we finally received some scant information about her surgery. i mean like a few sentences...that was it. we found some doctors to translate the information about the surgery and discovered what had been done had been excellent work and very sophisticated. we had no idea who performed the surgery or where it was done. her pulmonary stenosis wasn't treated, but the hole in her heart was repaired.


from that point forward we have only received a couple of reports and all they really have stated was, "she is doing well." so here we were with our little girl on the other side of the world and we really didn't know much about her present medical condition. this is when you fall at the feet of Jesus and just ask for His protection and His provision. we could do nothing. we asked to visit her last fall...and were denied. we asked question after question...the answers were pitiful. but we were sticking to the one step at a time theory.


that is all we knew heading to china. so....
now that we have her in our arms we know she looks like she is doing great. clearly all her cognitive abilities are just fine. she is incredibly sharp. definitely not at a 2 1/2 year old level yet, but she will be. we have no doubt. they told us to expect an institutionalized child to be about 12 months behind developmentally. she is teeny tiny physically, only weighing 22 pounds, but she isn't that far behind developmentally. she'll catch up quickly. her little arms and legs are quite thin, and she has absolutely zero junk in the trunk. but...she eats nonstop. i mean it is quite impressive what she can eat at one sitting. i know this is quite normal for children in orphanages, they are not familiar with the feeling of "full." when we met her on monday she had a cold and cough. that worried me because the upper respiratory thing is connected to her heart issues. when she was given to us the nanny also handed over a bag of medicines. all of it in chinese. i will never take for granted my publix pharmacy again. our guide helped us figure out the instructions, but it was quite involved and she was resistant to taking any of it. so, we chose to see an american/canadian doctor on wednesday to figure out more about what was going on with her "cold." i wasn't sure what to expect when we walked her into the clinic. this was a child that had been through two years of treatment and intense medical care. keep in mind she spent an entire month alone in a hospital at age 18 months. keep in mind she has been through surgery in a country where pain medication isn't readily used. i was a bit anxious walking into this clinic. but... bella was delightful. she smiled brightly at the nurses and seemed comfortable with the doctor. we had a glimpse into bella's past though when the doctor pulled out his stethoscope. as he pulled it out of his pocket, bella, on her own, pulled up her shirt. she knew the drill. we all stood there speechless. the doctor, rick, our guide and the nurse...we all just kind of stared at her. she did this two different times in two different clinics yesterday. it kind of made us proud and it kind of broke our heart.


so sitting there in this first clinic we were able to figure out what we needed to do to get rid of this cough/cold thing she has. the doctor prescribed new medications for which we were so thankful. we also were told by the doctor that he didn't hear a murmur. this means that the surgery from last july had been successful. they had patched the hole in her heart and it seemed to be doing well. we knew they only addressed one of the three issues. but we were glad for that info.


leaving that clinic yesterday we had to meet our group and head out to the u.s. consulate medical clinic where they would also evaluate bella and give her the necessary vaccinations for her to enter the u.s. a visa could not be issued until she was cleared of infectious diseases and vaccinated. so...off we went. this clinic was crazy. much more a public healthcare kind of thing....cold, sterile, jammed with people. she did excellent here as well, but i was really struck by the doctor evaluating her. he listened to her heart and kept making awful faces. he said there was no murmur but "she did not sound like other children." that's because she has transposition of the arteries doctor! i wanted to yell at him...of course she doesn't sound like other children. he kept looking at me, clicking his tongue and shaking his head...i am telling you he was one broken english sentence away from asking us if we were sure we wanted her. i could not get her out of that room fast enough. he told us she would need to get the TB test and 6 additional shots. oh poor thing. it was a pitiful moment. we'll head back to the clinic on saturday and have her TB test read.


on another note, we have noticed bella's little left foot goes out to the side when she walks. she is walking and running pretty well. but this little foot kind of turns out. not a big deal at all in our minds. we'll get it addressed when the time comes. we didn't know anything about it before meeting her...but we've been finding out all kinds of treasures since monday. she also has dimple on her left cheek (like her mom) and she is left handed (like her mom)...oh, and she likes to shop (like her mom)! each day another little treasure is unveiled. it is sort of like that little advent calendar where each day you pop open a new door and find a surprise or a treat...we love it!


when we get home there will be plenty of time to get more answers. bella will have a full work up at our pedicatrician's office the first week home. on august 6th she will see a cardiologist at sibley heart center. we have prayed for this appointment. we know it will be a long day and it will be the first time we will really have a sense of what to expect for bella's future. but here's the deal...the doctors and all their reports are good. we are grateful to live in a city and a country where we have such excellent medical care...BUT none of it compares to the work we know God can do in her life. her heart is in HIS hands. we have trusted that from the beginning. He designed her this way...she is His creation and somehow all of this will bring Him glory.


when we heard about her sick little heart we were overwhelmed. but we quickly held on to the verse from psalm 147:3..."He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." we really don't know exactly what is ahead of us. we don't know what the future holds, but we do know Who Holds her future and for now that is enough.

lost and found

"suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them.  does he not leave the

 ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 

and when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. 

then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says,

 'rejoice with me; i have found my lost sheep.'"  ~ luke 15:4-6

i know for most of my writing over this past year i have kind of been connected to the bird thing.  perhaps even over-connected.  but today it was sheep.  today i looked at my little girl and thought of this precious little lamb.  this little lamb who was once lost.  as we drove to her orphanage this morning the story of  the lost sheep kept coming to mind.  i couldn't recall exactly how the verse went...but i remembered the part about the shepherd carrying this little lamb on his shoulders back home.  you've probably all seen that famous painting of Jesus carrying home the lost sheep....that was the image which was in my head as we traveled across guangzhou city this morning. 
 we were traveling to the place and to the people who had cared for bella for two years.  i have seen every picture of this place i could find on google.  i have dreamed strange and curious dreams about it.  i have prayed for the people. and though i hate to admit it, i have felt intense anger toward the orphanage director.  he withheld much information from us this entire year...and today i wasn't sure what my reaction might be if we should cross paths.  you've heard about the mama bear...well, she doesn't come out all that often...but if she was to rear her awful head, today could very well have been the day.

we stood outside the gate waiting our turn to go in.  the air was ripe with rain...the humidity oppressive.  we were melting just standing still and my stomach was tied up in nervous knots.   our guide, simon, was so cool and together and just kept talking and joking and attempting to ease our anxious minds.  he walked us around the courtyard as we waited.  we played on the playground with bella.  she held on tightly to her daddy.  the entire time at the orphanage she kept her two favorite fingers tucked securely in her mouth.  we weren't sure about bringing her, but were encouraged to do so.  the advice we were given was that it would be good for bella to see her orphanage and then walk back out the door with her parents.  i had my doubts, but we went forward with the plan. 

when finally it was time to go in, we were immediately struck with how clean and well run everything seemed.  we had been told of the orphanage's excellent reputation, but it was wonderful to see it with our own eyes.  we met several nannies and children who knew bella.  a few of the older children came over to see her and stare at us.  the nannies smiled and doted over bella.  she continued to bury her head against rick.  we had the chance to peek into classrooms and see children well attended.  oh, how i could have taken room-fulls of these precious children home.  in everything we saw, it was bella's dorm room that was most wrenching.  the nanny pointed out the very bed in which she had slept.  i stood over this metal crib with the straw mat and small pillow and could feel the deep, deep tears.  i had prayed so many prayers about this very bed...i had pictured her little body alone in its steel frame.  the beds were lined up in rows, one after another.  i couldn't imagine.  now i was standing in the very place she had been set down night after night.  in the past few nights we've had her with us, she has adored our rocking her, snuggling with her...has even ended up in bed between us the past two nights.  how in the world did this snuggly little thing we call bella, ever sleep in this sterile environment?  i was baffled.    as we left the room, simon pointed out a small chart outside the door.  there were many chinese names written on it...he showed us the place where bella's name had been...it was waiting a new name.  simon said, "it will have another child's name soon...there is no shortage of children here."  i looked at those other names, not being able to read even one, but considered for a moment, what if each of these children were claimed by a family soon? what if. 

it was time to leave.  i was last out of the building.  in front of me i watched rick carrying bella in his arms out into the sunshine.  i believe i had written in several earlier posts how i longed for the moment i'd carry her out of this orphanage and into the china sunshine.  well, with the rain coming, there was little sunshine and i wasn't the one carrying her...but as i watched her snuggled deep in her father's arms i knew it was perfect.
while waiting for our driver the rain began.  i stood in the door of the orphanage and looked out into the heavy storm.  i felt the anger for this director and the anxiousness for this place completely leave my body.  i will never fully understand why we were denied so much information.  i have a better idea about it all now...but i will never completely get it.  but...as we prepared to leave, i realized it was time to let go of this place.  we were taking bella away.  her new life was about to begin and it was time to set down the baggage.  our arms were full of bella...we had no room to carry anything extra.

from the orphanage we drove back into the heart of the city toward the hospital in which bella was found two years ago.  for both of us, this was the more emotional part of our trip.   it felt a bit like a pilgrimmage as we traveled.    i knew with hearing that note read just a few nights earlier, this would be a hard place to see.  simon directed us around the 2nd floor of this hospital until we found the correct hallway/stairwell.    we pushed open a heavy metal door and found a small landing.  the walls were grimy with age.  i immediately noticed a cigarette in the corner.  it was the cigarette that started the tears flowing.  simon left us alone for a bit.  we kind of just sat there in the quiet of this place and held bella.  i thought of the parents who left her.  after now knowing their reasons, i could only grieve for them...pray for them.  i sat in this nondescript place and thanked God for His mighty work in bringing us to bella.  for an abandoned child to go from this stairwell to our arms is nothing short of a miracle.  this is God and only God.  we feel small in all of this. tiny.  minute.  i prayed for bella's future...we know with certainty her biological parents left her with great hope for a better future.  i prayed also for others who are broken hearted and abandoned.  abandonment isn't always about dirty stairwells and orphans...we know this.  but mostly as i sat there, i praised God.  praised Him for caring about the one lost little sheep. i praised Him because He is a God who cares for the least and lost. He cares for the one.  bella had so much against her.  born in poverty.  born a girl.  born with a heart defect. all of these are reasons enough in china for a hopeless future. we all walk around with a long list of reasons declaring our hopelessness.  even those of us lucky enough to be born in wealth, warmth and good health.   this might have been the place of bella's abandonment....but we will always think of it as the place she was found. "...and when he finds it, he joyfully puts the lost sheep on his shoulders and goes home."

"in the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that

 any of these little ones should be lost."  ~ matthew 18:14