The Good-Hard

Writing this afternoon from my infusion chair and wanting to thank you for your prayers these past couple of weeks as I've gone through a series of new scans. Especially in this last day with my (biggest) PET/CT scan and results. 

Rick and I met with my doctor today and are so happy to report things continue to look very stable. One tiny spot of growth in my spine, but overall everything else is shrinking or remaining unchanged. So the plan is to continue with my same treatment. Onward, troops! But please do pray for that L2 vertebrae which is under attack right now. L2! I’m not suggesting a bumper sticker, but maybe a post it note stuck somewhere discreet. I would absolutely be tickled to think that I have friends praying for my L2 vertebrae. Isn’t it all so weird, and yet, strangely wonderful?

Hard to believe, but in the the next couple of months I will be at the 3 year mark of this recent diagnosis. The fact that I am almost at 3 years and my doctors have been able to keep me stable and on my first line of treatment is worth noting. I can't explain how big that is in the metastatic cancer world and how grateful I am.

I am also crazy grateful for my scan team. I have this incredible dynamic duo at Emory-St. Joseph in Atlanta. Rodney and Katarina. Before jabbing me with my radioactive tracer, Rodney makes me feel like I am coming in for a spa treatment when he tucks a warm blanket around me and hands me my vanilla (not a latte) barium smoothie. Radioactive or not, Katarina actually hugs me when I climb out of my machine. She wishes me light and love and this time she said to me, “God is good.”  I almost cried when she said that. I told her my daughter, Sarah, had just given me a sweatshirt for my birthday last week which said, “God is good.” Katarina told me, “I love that and now you need to get her a sweatshirt that says ‘All the time.’ God is good. All the time.”

And He is. Good. All the time. But cancer isn’t. Cancer is hard. Even with this continued stability, let me assure you, the cancer road is fraught with challenge. Good news tonight or not, cancer is cancer. And I can’t help but hate it.  I hate what the medications are doing to my body and the new anxiety it has brought to me and to my family. The constant appointments and tests and blood draws and wonderings. The always waiting for another result or report. The every day management of meds and their side effects. But even in my always wanting to wish it away. Even in my constant craving to crush it. Even in my every day desire to destroy it. I'm going to tell you something you might not believe. 

And you can say you don't believe me. You can. That's your choice. But I am going to tell you anyway. And then you're going to have to think about it and wonder about the possibility--and maybe even the veracity--of my words.

 

So here it is—

I hate having cancer, that is true. But also true, it is teaching me things. Hard things, but Holy things. Things almost impossible to learn in a completely comfortable and pain-free life. Maybe someday I'll sit down and get organized and write out that list of cancer lessons. Maybe. But for now, you're just going to have to trust me on this. There's something here that is good. Good for me. Hard, yes, but good. Good-Hard. It can be both. It's a real thing. Those of you who have walked roads of suffering or battled crazy brokenness, you might know of what it is I write. 

There is some type of not-so-easy-to-explain treasure found in dark places. TREASURE!  Isaiah 45:3 is a verse to which I have held tightly from the very beginning of this trial. And it is more true today. More than ever. "I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the LORD, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." 

More than ever before, I know that God is God. I know more deeply that He is who He says He is. He calls me by my name. I know more fervently that He is for me. With me. All around me. He holds me close. He has my back. He goes before me. He is already there. He has this cancer. He has me. HE HAS ME!

My prayer is that someday when the result isn't so encouraging. Some day when I hear not promising words, but the fearful words of progression. My prayer is on that day I will be able to continue to claim the treasure of these dark places just as boldly and confidently. 

And If I am. And if I do. It won't because of my own power or strength, but because of His. I bring nothing. I know that better today than ever before. I bring absolutely nothing to this fight. The very best I can offer up is my sometimes sunny disposition. And, oh my heavens, let me tell you that is not even close to enough to get me through this. 

If you are in a dark place right now, I want to encourage you to reach out to my friend, Jesus. Ask Him for His power. Ask Him for His strength. Ask Him to show you the treasures He has for you hidden in the darkness.  He is already there and He is the light. 

He will show you.  He will show up. No, these aren't the shiny riches and wealth of this world, these are different gifts. Different givings. Different good. These are the things which don't make sense when measured by the desires of our world. No one is going to want to trade places with you. But, I promise you, He has something good for you in the midst of your hard. Good-Hard. It’s a real thing. 

Ask Him to show you. Go read His word. If you don’t have a Bible, message me. I’ll send you one tomorrow. I will! I’ve got nothing else to do tomorrow. My scans and tests and results are done for the day. Done for the time being. I would love to hear from you. Encourage you. Pray for you. I know I am not alone in hard stuff. So many of you have hard things. Harder things. If you are taking the time to read my words tonight, then you have come alongside me. I'd be honored to come alongside you. 

I am thankful for each one of you … you are my team. 

Happy [early] Thanksgiving. God is good. All the time.

“Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever.”  Psalm 107:1

A Table Before Me

"You prepare a table before me." ~ Psalm 23:5

Psalm 23 and I have been hanging out a lot lately. Between the long acupuncture sessions and the longer scans I get to spend a good deal of time being utterly still and completely alone with my thoughts. Nothing else to occupy me. Zero interactions. No distractions. And this sometimes feels kind of vulnerable. Maybe even a tad dangerous.  Just me, my brain and a solitary, small space.

Early on, I realized I have a choice when I find myself alone in a machine or with my thoughts ---Will I allow it to feel like a prison or a place of peace? I can let the fear and anxiety overwhelm me or I can let the words of Jesus pour over me. I’m not always successful, but I try to go with the latter approach and fix my eyes on Him and His Word. 

And so this week it was me and the 23rd Psalm. You know the one — The Lord is my Shepherd. It’s a Psalm I grew up on. I imagine most of us have some connection to this particular chapter. I remember being forced to memorize it in Sunday school for a gold star and even in elementary school. Probably high school too! It was a requirement. And though, back then, I wasn’t entirely convinced of its power, I’m so glad today to have it inscribed confidently across my brain. I'm so grateful to have it in my repertoire of things committed to memory. I call on it often.

"You prepare a table before me." Psalm 23:5 

Yesterday in the acupuncture chair and today in the MRI machine, it was verse 5 which grabbed hold of my attention.  Possibly due to the fact that this past weekend I spent a good deal of time preparing a couple of tables for guests in my backyard. 

Thursday and Saturday we hosted two events back to back—-a birthday party for friends and a homecoming dinner for our daughter and her friends.  And somewhere along the planning line, I decided to put together an extra large outdoor table for both parties off the side of our basement patio.

It’s that magical time of year here in the south. The weather isn’t too hot or too cool. The leaves beginning to change. The bugs beginning to hibernate.  The days shorter and the night comes sooner. It is just lovely outdoors in Georgia at the end of October. Like I said, magical.

And so al fresco dining seemed to be the way to go for both soirees. Same space. Same table. Different people and parties. Easy peasy.

The woods around our home were the perfect backdrop. Rick and I worked hard to hang extra lighting and set up tables and chairs. It is never as easy as I think it should be. The lights kept falling and our frustration kept mounting. But our resolve was steadfast. We would do this thing. We would make this work. A roll of duct table and 300 zip ties later and we had achieved our desired effect. I say “our.” I mean my.  Rick could care two hoots about an effect, desired or otherwise. But he cares about me and so he persevered. He’s truly the best. 

With those tasks complete, the real fun began. I prepared the table. Because that’s what I love to do. Whether it be with linen and china or paper products and plastic. I love to prepare a table. I love to put it all together. The special touches, the candles, the centerpiece, the color scheme. The aesthetics. The vibe! Especially when nature gets to be the backdrop for my canvas. That is my happiest hostess place ever.

I carefully considered the details. It wasn’t thrown together haphazardly or hurriedly. Not at all. I took delight in each decision. Spent time on each item. I scoured our yard and woods for treasures and cuttings to put into my centerpiece. Leaves, pinecones, a birds nest and fading flowers. If you’re wired a little like this, then you know exactly of what I write. It’s joy.

While folding napkins and arranging placemats, I thought of those who would attend.  I considered the women and then the teens who might sit at this table with the vibrant woods around them and the lights twinkling above them. I thought of their conversations and their connections. The fellowship. Their friendship. It felt beautiful to me. And that’s why I did it. That’s why I do it. 

I love bringing beauty together, but, even more, I love bringing people together. That is the most beautiful. 

And so today thinking about that phrase in Psalm 23, I couldn’t help but resonate with this one line of scripture and its beauty. 

God PREPARES a table before us. 

HE thinks of us. Considers us. Plans for us. He is in the very details and design of what fills our hearts and fits us together. He doesn’t need the magic of a perfect fall evening, He is the Mystery of Perfection. He is the Designer of all seasons and situations. He isn’t limited to the two weeks of the Georgia year when all things beautiful converge. He is the Very Artist of beauty. He is beauty. He, the unchanging, immutable God who choreographs the dramatic color-changing of leaves. He is not just the ethereal light of a fall evening, He is the actual Light of the World. 

And, even in His full glory, like a most diligent and dedicated host, He prepares a table before me. FOR me. For you. He beckons us to come and sit and be full. Full from the bounty of His blessings. Full from the abundant love of His bringing. Full with the joy of fellowship, friendship, kinship and communion. 

The table. A beautiful symbol of what God has for us. A holy place to be filled. A holy filling. A fitting together of His beloved created and beautiful creation. His own Son sitting at His right hand. Perfection embodied. Our Savior. A  Place-Saver for us. A place saved for all who might come. Anyone. Everyone. All welcome.

That second line in vs. 5 tells us that He not only prepares the table, but does so “in the presence of my enemies.” Hmm. My enemies? I always thought that seemed a little odd. Why would the Psalmist, David, include this? “In the presence of my enemies,” is surely a place no one wants to be. It is a place of hard. A place of hatred. A place even perhaps of hostility. And yet God prepares His table there. Even in that unholiest of places.

Could it be a reminder to us that even in the ugly, unwanted areas of our life, He is preparing. He is present. He is planning for a feast for us, His frail and fearful children. He is arranging a banquet of love in the very midst of our battered living. He is not ignoring us in our pain, He is inviting us into His peace.

He loves us that much. To remind us—even in the hardest, darkest dwellings—there is a place at the table for our tired selves to come sit. 

My paltry attempts at creating a perfect fall evening of fun and fellowship pail in comparison.  As beautiful as I tried to make each evening for my guests and my girl, my efforts didn’t hold a candle or a hanging string of cafe lights to what God has already orchestrated on my behalf.

He has prepared a table for me.

He has a place card with my name written.

With your name.

He has a seat saved and a spot secured.

A chair is waiting.

He has received my rsvp and He knows someday I will be coming. And, like the most gracious Host in the whole wide world, He cannot wait for my arrival. 


He has prepared a table before me. 

Praise be to Him from whom all blessings flow.

Mondays + Forevers

As much as I have always loved Karen Carpenter I never really agreed much with her feelings about Monday mornings. Or rainy days, for that matter. For most of my life Monday mornings, for me, have felt like a fresh start. A new beginning. A reset for each new week. 

And, for what it's worth, I actually adore a solid rainy day. 

But the past 6 Mondays have brought with them a trek downtown at rush hour for an acupuncture treatment in hope of combatting the knee pain I have from my other treatments. And, unfortunately, it's not helping much. I have other things on the horizon, but this was our first step to keep me walking. Zero pun intended.

I got in the car this morning and felt the gray cloud climb right in with me. As I drove to the hospital, my frustrations and ugly thoughts swirled unswervingly. Suffocating, actually. My brain bounced from one negative thing to another. 

Where was my Monday morning magic? My reset?  My rest-assured? My new-week renewal?

And so the pity party began. I had an hour drive ahead of me fighting traffic-- Did you know at one point there are 9 lanes of traffic going into the city of Atlanta?  And that's only one way. If we doubled that for traffic moving north bound it would be 18 lanes. If it wasn't insane, it would be almost funny! But funny it is not.—Fighting traffic only to arrive at the hospital and join a line which would feel longer than a popular ride at Disney World. And why? Oh yes, so that I could have someone stick about 20 needles into my body.

The whole time I  kept thinking-- and this is the good stuff! This is part of the healing. Part of the helping. Next week I will start a new series of scans and tests and that's the hard part. The really hard. The really ugly. And in keeping with this particular state of mind, I reminded myself all of this goes on forever. There's no end in sight. No stopping of treatment or scans or celebratory bell ringing with what I've got. It's for always. It’s forever.

So, yeah. That black cloud. It was only growing blacker. Bleaker. Heavy and oppressive. I knew where I was headed and I knew 9 lanes of traffic or not, it was a dead end. This kind of thinking is death. As easy as it is to fall into a pattern of pity party grumbling and complaining, it leads nowhere good. You know that. I know that. But it’s hard to avoid at times.

No amount of talking to myself was getting me off this path. So I knew I needed something. I needed to stop the thoughts in my head and decided to opt for music.  But no way was Karen Carpenter going to cut it. Recently I had copied my sweet DIL's Spotify playlist and so, even with my bad attitude, I decided to start with that. I hit play.  

Kari Jobe’s old song "Forever" was first up. Really? Forever? Wasn't that word just part of my utter agitation? Like the 9 lanes of traffic, almost funny. Definitely not funny. Forever. But it didn't take long because within minutes of her music I could feel the cloud begin to lift. The load to lighten. The grumbling to move aside for gratitude. 

Is it magic? No! It’s the mystery of Jesus. It's His words. His worthiness. His worship. It's him which sets me on the road to renewal and a much needed re-set on this Monday morning and every morning. When I forget that, I end up fighting more than my knee pain or the cancer in my bones. I end up fighting fears and frustrations He never asked me to carry. I end up in a place he never intended me to go. I end up with a weight I have no ability to shoulder.

Have you ever been on this kind of dead-end road? If so, you know it gets you nowhere fast.

The music ended and the car was parked and I walked into the Emory downtown hospital campus. And, yes, the line was as long as I have ever seen it. I am not sure it would be an exaggeration to say it was close to 100 people waiting to check in at registration. A hundred cancer patients should never have to line up and wait like this. It is appalling. It is definitely not Disney World.

But here we all were and I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t had that reset with Kari Jobe’s music in my car a few minutes earlier my head would have spun off it’s axis and I might just have exploded all over this Emory Hospital entryway. Thankfully that wasn’t the case.

I remembered the song lyrics I was just singing in my car. The song, the words, the message, the Man of Jesus. Jesus who understands the long lines and the dead ends and the dark clouds and the dark days and the hard Mondays and the hateful treatments. Jesus the Resurrected King. He is it. He is the only thing keeping me from total despair. As I stood there in the long line and limped forward one step at a time, I was more certain than ever that even if this line and my treatments go on forever He is walking right alongside me. He is right here. I might have some sad Mondays, but He is right here with me every day. Forever. 

FOREVER ~ Kari Jobe.   YouTube link if you'd like to listen: Forever

The moon and stars they wept

The morning sun was dead

The Savior of the world was fallen

His body on the cross

His blood poured out for us

The weight of every curse upon Him

One final breath He gave

As Heaven looked away

The Son of God was laid in darkness

A battle in the grave

The war on death was waged

The power of hell forever broken

The ground began to shake

The stone was rolled away

His perfect love could not be overcome

Now death where is your sting

Our resurrected King

Has rendered you defeated

Forever, He is glorified

Forever, He is lifted high

Forever, He is risen

He is alive

He is alive

The ground began to shake

The stone was rolled away

His perfect love could not be overcome

Now death where is your sting

Our resurrected King

Has rendered you defeated

Forever, He is glorified

Forever, He is lifted high

Forever, He is risen

You have overcome

We sing Hallelujah

The Lamb has overcome.

An Apology

I feel like an apology is in order. An apology from me. I was so caught up in my own storm-drama wondering if the big gala we had spent 7 months planning was going to fall apart in the face of Helene on Thursday night, I stopped listening to what was happening around me. 

We prayed and we re-positioned our event.  We hunkered down and handled all the changes and we—well, at least, I—didn’t look up for a few days. All I could think of was the money that would be lost, the opportunities missed, and the hard work all for nothing.

And so miraculously the worst of the storm didn’t hit us. It went east. And what did come, came late. The benefit began and the party continued and we praised God for allowing it take place safely. I am sure I even felt a bit smug—We had made the right decision. We gambled and we won. I really wasn’t sure until I saw the 400+ people seated in their seats. Dry. Safe. Celebrating.

But then I started reading and listening and seeing what happened elsewhere. When the storm swung away from us it obviously had to hit somewhere else. But that didn’t fully connect in my mind until a good bit later. 

It didn’t fully sink in until my pictures were posted and our event stuff put away. 

This weekend, as a country, we celebrated homecomings and national sons day and football victories. As we should. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, I just can’t quite reconcile it in the face of what I’m reading and seeing today. 

I am struggling with the fact that my team was hugging and high-fiving Thursday night at a pumped up party while others were without power and water.  I can’t stand the fact that so much of eastern Georgia and South Carolina and North Carolina are tonight sitting in total devastation. The reports are horrific. The results heartbreaking.

All I can think is — and I was worried about our fundraiser for 400? I mean, trust me, it would have been a real hit for our non-profit to have to postpone and lose all the money spent for the set up that was already in place … the food ordered …the florals … yes, all of that. But NOTHING in comparison to what I’m hearing about today.

Helene has been horrific in the Southeast. Homes hit, trees toppled, lives lost. Power and water gone. Towns submerged. People still missing. So much shattered.

And yet for the rest of the world life went on. I’ve noticed 100 homecoming picture posts on social media. So much chatter about the football games yesterday. I am worried about a leaky porch roof and too much rainwater in my backyard. But people are truly suffering not very many miles away. And it is hard to wrestle with all of this. 

What is this world which allows some to celebrate and some to suffer? Simultaneously. How can this be?

I mean I kind of know what it feels like to be hit with devastating news and then watch others continue … to continue. It’s a weird thing watching this happen. But what choice do we have? Even if people mourn with those who mourn, they have to at some point wake up one morning and move on. And celebrate homecomings and football games. Of course they do. Like I said, it’s just weird. There’s a wrestling. 

We cannot all live on the edge of loss.  We cannot all park on the place of fear. We can empathize and we can come alongside, but we are all suffering and surviving in our own personal day to day ways. One week it is me. One week it is you. Compassion and community are vital parts to our living and loving, but perhaps can only go so deep and so wide. Can only go on for so many days. And then we must feel badly but … continue on.

We didn’t get hit as hard as they thought we would. But someone else did. Can we rejoice for our fortunate selves, yes! Can we mourn for our unfortunate neighbors, yes! We can do that too. Like I said, it’s just weird.

I got lucky. My neighbor did not. And isn't this how life seems to repeat itself over and over and over again. Sometimes it's me. Sometimes it's you.

The truth is, we live in a “both-and” kind of world. There is both in our every day. Both in our neighbor’s every day. It’s messy. Maybe just as messy as a hurricane hitting. Maybe. I can’t say for sure as the hurricane missed us this time around. But ask my neighbors in Asheville or Augusta. Maybe they can answer this question better than me. 

What I want to express to you tonight is not that it all makes sense. It doesn’t. I don’t have one single answer. I don’t have one clear way of explaining this all to anyone. I am only writing to say that if my celebrating caused anyone else to feel unseen or deserted in their own devastation, I’m sorry. I’m pretty sure this is not the first time. 

I am certain I’ve posted a picture of my intact family and inadvertently hurt someone who has a family falling apart. I’m sure I’ve celebrated the blessings of my marriage when another was walking the road of divorce. I am positive I’ve posted about a happy child when someone else had a kid not able to get out of bed. These are the things. These are the hard, hard, hard things. We don't always see. Or know. Or understand.

I am dealing with a diagnosis which will probably end in diminished life. Sometimes I read things, see things which make me feel sad. I probably won’t celebrate my 80th or 70th birthday or get to meet my great grandchildren. I probably won’t watch all of my children get married or get to see the births of all of their children. I read about my friends playing tennis or hiking and doing all the normal things. Yet, lately I am struggling to walk. It’s hard. I get sad. Some days, really sad. 

Sometimes the hurricanes in our lives are easily seen. Sometimes not so much.

Oh dear Lord, let us always have hearts to hear and see and embrace those who are hurting. Like I said, I don’t really know how to do it the right way. So I apologize if I’ve ever done it the wrong way. And I pray for eyes that would attempt to see others better. And a heart that doesn’t judge when others don’t see me. 

It can go both ways. But, for the most part, we view most things through our own personal lens. I am so guilty. And for that, I say, I am truly sorry. I know how much we need one another. I know how much good happens when we can walk a mile in the shoes of another. 

It is the VERY reason Jesus came down to earth. To make Himself fully man. To wrap Himself in our flesh. To experience what we experience. To understand and empathize and die a perfect death for us. He isn’t just a random god all up on his throne in heaven removed and resistant to us. No, He is God who loves us so deeply and so profoundly He was willing to come and live among us. To be right with us. To walk alongside us. To understand us. Even, yes, even, to weep with us. 

“And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.” ~ John 1:14

“Jesus wept.” ~John 11:35

We aren’t going to do it perfectly. But I know I want to do it better.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

~ Romans12:15

Just like Jesus did. Like He does.

Plans + Steps: A Health Update

 “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” 

~ Proverbs 16:9

Plans and steps have been kind of strange words for me lately.

I always thought of these years of older kids or even post-kid-raising as full of potential. I had lots of ideas. Lots of dreams. Lots of plans. I was so content and grateful to be at home full-time when the kids were little. I tried never to take that for granted. But as the nest continued to empty I just really thought I’d have a lot of opportunities outside the home ahead when things slowed down within. And maybe I do. But it’s been a struggle lately to put one foot in front of the other. 

Literally. I am struggling to walk these days. And this is a new turn in my health status. Early this summer I woke one day with pain in my right knee. I didn’t do anything to hurt it or cause a problem. It was just suddenly painful one morning. After a few appointments and scans the doctors determined that I had a complex tear of my meniscus. It didn’t make sense. I haven’t exactly been out doing anything super athletic or rigorous. But I was experiencing some pretty good pain in my right knee and unexplained or not, it was debilitating. 

An MRI showed that I not only had a complex tear of the meniscus, but also that I have significant loss of cartilage and the knee is in a serious degenerative situation. 

I have never had knee issues. Why now? Well, it’s a pretty well known fact that taking the estrogen blocking drugs I take to fight my cancer happen to also cause significant joint pain and deterioration. We need estrogen to keep things healthy and working right in our bodies—Everything from our skin and hair to our brains and organs to our joints and bones. I can release the skin and hair stuff, but the other body parts and functions are pretty important. I’m in a crazy catch 22 of sorts. My cancer is estrogen fed, so we have to block it best we can, but I am incurring some significant side effects because of this blocking. See what I mean? It’s a little tricky. 

Early in July, an orthopedic doctor gave me a cortisone shot and that helped immeasurably. It provided great relief right away and I was able to navigate some fun trips and travel through the summer with the pain mostly under control.  

Unfortunately, in early August, the cortisone wore off and the pain came back. Even worse. And now, strangely enough, it was in both knees. Same thing as before—all of a sudden it hit me and since it's return even walking has been a daily challenge.  Especially early in the day. Getting out of bed is the hardest. Once I'm moving a little I can walk so it looks almost normal, but there's still a good bit of constant pain. I feel like I'm suddenly about 85 years old. My dad has knee issues and is looking at a TKR (total knee replacement). Maybe together we can work some kind of father-daughter deal. Funny, not funny.

We haven’t imaged the left knee yet, but I am assuming it is the same issue. Scans and appointments will take place soon. 

So now I am the owner of two bad knees and I am at loss for next steps. The doctors are also a little at a loss. I am meeting with several, but there’s this weird bridging that isn’t always clear between oncology and orthopedics. We need to address both concerns simultaneously. Surgery or a total knee replacement would mean stopping my cancer treatment for a while. The treatments which seem to be keeping my metastatic cancer sleepy, So, as you can imagine, halting this seems a pretty big risk. As much as the cortisone shot helped, that is only a quick fix, and can’t be used more than a couple of times before it begins to add to the problem. So it really is nothing more than a flimsy type of bandaid.

The diagnosis of cancer in my bones and lymph nodes has been a lot to deal with. The heaviness of my worry over cancer’s progression feels often like it is beginning to just flatten me. I am not myself. I don’t feel like myself. I realize that social media paints a different picture. Let’s just all agree that social media does that for most everyone. But the truth is, I am struggling big time trying to carry this load. I know Jesus carries it for me, but it still requires me to continually hand it over and remind myself that He has it and He has me. It is a daily talking to myself and a constant taking of myself to the foot of His cross.  

It was one thing dealing with the loss of my clean bill of health, but now I feel like I am in yet another state of loss as my mobility and independence feel threatened. 

The things I was distracting myself with in these past couple of years are seemingly being stripped away. It is hard to care for our yard and gardens and chickens and home and family and myself with what’s happening to my knees. And I fear there’s no end. I fear this is the way it is going to be. We don’t suddenly heal from degenerative issues. And, I’ll be honest, the distractions have been really, really helpful. Nothing helps me more with anxiety or fear then going out to my yard and digging in the dirt or burning the dead brush from our woods. I know that might sound weird, but it’s how I am wired. These activities have been a cathartic kind of salvation for me. If I was stressed or dealing with something I went outside and I Did Things. Friends and family like to joke that I work like a man in our yard. I do. I did. Right now, I can’t. And it is kind of breaking my heart. 

And that’s the outside story. Inside we have some things for which to solve. We have stairs everywhere in our home. How am I going to continue to navigate this set up? Is it realistic? What if things get worse? I wake in the middle of the night with these questions coming at me like relentless, pelting rain. I sometimes feel absolutely suffocated by the fear and the what ifs. I have been living with those nasty what ifs since being diagnosed, but lately I am sitting with the “what nows.” What in the world do we do now?

And so I am asking you to pray with us and for us. I am asking you to stay on this journey. We are doing our very best to keep our eyes on our Good Shepherd and to keep placing our trust in His plan and His purpose. We are. It’s just that we feel pretty weak and weary these days as life isn’t looking like what we had hoped or planned. 

I assure you there’s much for which we are grateful. So much. It’s not all gloom and doom. I try to walk that line candidly and honestly with you, my friends. I want to be honest about the hard stuff, but I also want you to know it is my heart’s desire to find the the silver lining and to highlight the purpose in the pain. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to find the glimmer in this grave disappointment.

And so that is my main source of exercise and encouragement these days. I have specifically asked that the Lord would remove the “why me? why now?” feelings and give me only praise for His plan and His purpose. 

Maybe you know a little of what it is I write. Maybe you too have been in a similar place of wondering and waiting. A place of questions and concerns. A place of anxieties and unbelievable angst. Maybe the plan for your life is turning out a little different than you thought and hoped it might. There’s a million books out there on the subject, but only we can walk the personal roads of our own dashed dreams. 

So, pain or not, let’s keep walking. Let’s keep journeying together. Even if we can’t walk very well. Even if every step is fraught with fear or pain. Let’s keep going. Keep asking. Keep searching. Keep listening to the words of Jesus who has told us so many good things.

Like, “but He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. … ‘that is why, for Christ’s sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9 + 10

Like, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1

Like, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Like, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:8

And maybe my favorite in this season I’m in …

“Listen to me … you whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried since you were born. Even to your old age and gray hairs I AM HE, I am He and I WILL carry you; I WILL sustain you and I WILL rescue you.” Isaiah 46:3-4

Counting Stitches. Counting Blessings. Counting on Jesus.

 

Dearest Mimi Grace,                    September 2, 20024

I began this counted cross stitch one year ago—the week you were born, my dear granddaughter. 

And all this year I have counted and stitched. Counted and stitched. One small x stitch after another. The cloth traveled with me everywhere -- all over the world, in fact. Back and forth to Europe - twice this summer! Out west for a wedding. Up to Ohio for a quick visit. Down to the beach with our family. Over to the Smoky Mountains for a weekend away. 

It traveled with me on countless airplane trips and every long car ride when I wasn't required to be the driver. It went with me to doctor appointments and even once to one of my infusions. I took it everywhere. 

I have stitched sitting on the quiet of my back porch and on the sofa  watching movies or church or elsewhere in the house just listening to music. It has been my constant companion. My sweet connection to you as you moved from month to month, milestone to milestone.

In this first year of your beautiful  life, I have stitched and I have prayed for precious you. I have counted the many blessings you have already brought to our family. I have prayed for all the blessings you will encounter as you grow and develop and become everything God designed you to be. Because though I am the stitcher of this small fabric, He is the One who holds the full tapestry of lovely you. 

The project is finally finished. My stitching is complete, but I promise my praying will continue all the days of your life.  All the days of mine. You can count on that, dear one! 

But even more so, my hope is that you too will learn to count on Jesus. Jesus—the very one who stitched you together—He is your greatest hope. Count on Him. Always. Wherever you go. Whatever you do. Whenever you can. Count on Him.

 That is my greatest prayer for you.

“I am counting on the Lord; yers, I am counting on Him.  I have put my hope in His word.” 

~ Psalm 130:5

With Love, Your Birdy

Always Prepared

I miss my mother-in-law. Yesterday would have been Marilyn’s 79th birthday. She never saw her 70s. At 69 she was diagnosed with undetected colon cancer the week of Thanksgiving and gone by January’s end. 

It’s important that I tell you she did everything right. She was a nurse for over 40 years. She knew all the things. She ate well and exercised. She kept on top of her health. She did all the screenings and all the scans. They just—somehow—missed it. 

Of course Marilyn did everything right. That’s the kind of person she was. Always prepared. Always well planned. Always on top of everything. But most important, always gracious.

If the paper towel holder was empty, she had plenty of replacements waiting in the wings—or the garage shelves. Oh those garage shelves! Peanut butter all gone? No problem. Pickles? She had them. The amount of bandaids and Tylenol beneath her bathroom sink could have cared for a small village. For the rest of their lives.

Though a trained nurse, she joked often it was really about being a good girl scout. The Girl Scout motto is “Be prepared.” And she was for everything. Other than that unseen cancer in her colon. But even in that surprise, her girl scout ways proved true. She was completely prepared to meet Jesus on that January day when He called her home. Of that, I have no doubt.

She spent her life following Him and serving His people with joy. And I am certain she is taking care of things up in heaven with efficiency and enthusiasm. 

I remember specifically how patient and attentive she was with her aging parents and her own mother-in-law. She would fix a big meal and do all the dishes and be in charge of most everything and then at the end of the evening escort her mom and dad back home to their apartment nearby. I never once heard her complain. I never once heard her sound cross. I didn't realize what I was watching. I am sure I didn't acknowledge how exceptional she was. 

All of these things are so true of Marilyn, but I miss her for selfish reasons too. I miss her wisdom. She was a really good listener and always seemed to know the right thing to say. She rejoiced with those who rejoiced, and she wept with those who wept. I would love to be able to pick up the phone for both the rejoicing and the weeping. 

Life has gotten so incredibly messy in this past decade. More than ever before. So many different things. Yes, my own cancer diagnosis, but much more than that. Relationships. This world. So many issues. So much brokenness and pain and dashed dreams. Some fears. I feel overwhelmed by it more easily than ever before. Some days it simply feels like too much. 

And I wish I could talk things through with Marilyn like I used to do. I know the very first thing she would tell me is to keep my eyes on Jesus. To trust Him with the hard and the holy. To abide with Him in His word and in prayer. And to continue claiming His truths no matter what. 

She modeled that well. Without ever compromising her convictions or beliefs, she was able to love others and move through difficulties with an unbelievable amount of grace. Not that everything was easy and always smooth, but she lived out her faith. Years after she was gone, I, one day, started to thumb through her bible. The way it was underlined and highlighted told me exactly where she found her source of strength. It is such a treasure. 

I don’t think I always received her encouragement especially well. I was young and married to her son and raising her grandchildren and probably trying a little too hard to prove myself. I suppose I was insecure. I’m sure I wanted to impress her. But with this past decade behind me and middle age all around me and my own role as care support for my parents, her words continue to press in deeply in new and different ways. I think that’s what they call leaving a lasting impression. 

Marilyn left a lasting impression. In her quiet, graceful way, she impressed so many things upon me. 

I guess I’m writing this morning to process, but also to praise a familial role that doesn’t always get the right recognition. Mother-in-laws have historically been easy to poke fun at and stereotype poorly. I know lots of you have amazing relationships with MILs. Cherish and protect them.

My encouragement if you’re reading this is to go out and find someone— find a mother-in-law or a girl scout or at least someone who knows how to be prepared. 

Prepared with a kind word. 

Prepared with a willing ear.

Prepared with an open heart. 

Prepared with well-earned wisdom. 

Prepared with God’s truth.

Prepared to rejoice and prepared to weep.

Like my dear mother-in-law, Marilyn.

I'm pretty sure Marilyn would not miss this opportunity to also tell you to start thinking about being prepared to meet Jesus. 

Out of a Job

Funny how this happened to occur on the morning after Mother’s Day, but it seems I have worked myself out of a job. For over 26 years I have been in the steady employment of driving one child or another (or many) to and from school. Every school day, of every year, for decades, I drove. When one graduated to the autonomy of their own automobile and driver’s license, another was waiting in the wings--or kitchen-- for Mom’s Taxi Service. 

For the most part, our kids attended schools without buses and so for all of these years I have been the veritable big yellow school bus leaving faithfully each morning from our garage and returning just about every afternoon for pick up—give or take a few. 

But this morning something miraculous and marvelous (and a little emotional) happened and our youngest child bid us goodbye and drove herself down the driveway and off to school All On Her Own. We released the reins a bit and, with a little trepidation and a whole lot of prayer, watched her head off into the wild blue yonder … or at least into the wild Atlanta morning traffic. 

It marks the end of an era for me. 25+ years is a good run in any job, wouldn’t you say? I received no engraved plaque or flashy watch piece. I just watched. I could only watch. This baby of ours who can now come and go on her own with her keys and her coffee and, perhaps, a tad too much confidence.

It was a big moment for this mama. I know my job as mom never quite ends. They’ll always need me in some capacity in some way. Our older four are essentially out on their own and adulting rather well, but they still let me know I am not completely obsolete.  At least they don’t make me feel cast aside or forgotten. It’s a different role with them these days. I don’t do for them the things I did when they were all little — but there’s still plenty. There are phone calls and questions and advice asked and sometimes just time spent. And I am more grateful than ever.

But this driving thing is different as it has consistently been a very daily and tangible item on my to do list. For many years I kind of had to plan my day around it. 

Plan or not, I admit, I didn’t always do it super well. There were times, on occasion, when I came late. There were seasons when I was for sure one of the last cars in line … or I flew into the parking lot on two wheels and a little too hot. There might have been a time or two when signals got crossed and someone was, unfortunately, forgotten. Not so proud of those moments, but definitely thankful for the gift of driving my kids. I tried not to take it for granted. Even when it felt like all I had accomplished some days was driving multiple kids to multiple schools. Back and forth. Forth and back. 

But I think back to the times when they talked to me and told me things about their day simply because we were stuck in the car together and they could not escape to the backyard or the television set or their bedrooms. They were trapped with their mother and she might have had her eyes on the road, but her ears were free and she could listen. And so I learned to listen.

The car was a place where I learned to listen better and then learned a little bit better about my kids. Sometimes I learned about their friends. Sometimes I learned things I didn’t want to learn. It was a day-in-and-day-out safe place for things to be shared. It was also a time when I had their full attention and I could give them a good talking to should they ever need it. They sometimes needed it.

I believe I gave one child “the sex talk” because I was able to lock the car door and not let her out until she heard what it was I had to say. 

One of my favorite car moments happened many years ago after I had just dropped off the older three kids at their elementary school and was left with our youngest (at the time) in his car seat behind me. As soon as the car door closed, Connor’s little 3 year old voice piped up, “Well, mom, it looks like it’s just me and us now. Just me and us, mom.” To this day we still say that. Perhaps part of him was glad to see his big brother and sisters leave for the day. As he said it best, it was just me and us. 

There are so many funny memories and moments in all of my years of driving. I did some pretty weird things. I tried to use those car-opportunities best I could. After one child forgot to wear her panties to preschool a few times and another couldn’t remember socks, I began keeping a bin in my back with both extra underwear and socks—just in case. There was also a period when I began storing dental floss and vitamins in the glove compartment because it seemed the only time I could remember to make them floss their teeth and take their vitamins. That didn’t last very long though. I’m pretty sure the chewables melted in the Georgia heat and the floss got lost between the back seats.

Speaking of between the back seats: There really is no place in the world quite like between the seats of a vehicle which is responsible for transporting multiple children multiple times a day. There should be a Netflix documentary done on this specific thing.

There was always food debris to be found. Petrified or worse. Once my daughter found worms in the seat pocket because someone had left food and that’s what happens when it rots. That was a proud moment. How do you even explain to your husband you have worms in the backseat and could he please do something about them?

We’ve had bowls of cereal and extra large cups of red slushies spill. We’ve had phones and keys slide into open coffee cups. Permanent markers leak. Crayons melt. Homework wedge into tight crevices and forgotten. Stinky socks and shoes abandoned making the next morning’s drive most miserable. School projects crumble. Body parts stuck in strange places. Tears shed. Blood shed. The dog shed. And, for sure, too many lunchboxes left to even count. 

Once I was driving a neighbor child home and they asked me why my car was so dirty. That was nice. I left him on the corner and told him to find a cleaner car and some better manners. (Just kidding). (Maybe).

One morning I forgot to the baby in his crib and had to turn the school bus back around when my oldest daughter informed me at a neighborhood stop sign that Connor was not in his car seat. Please don't judge. That might have been worse than the worm incident. Maybe. 

When we were in one of our best seasons—meaning at the beginning of the school year when we were fresh and full of hope—we attempted to use our time well. I would ask them to recite their math facts or Bible verses. It helped them, but so often it was me that most needed those Bible verses. Not the math facts. 

My kids tease me that I have so much random knowledge rattling around in my head now days and such passion for interesting and strange facts … I attribute much of that to these years as a driver of kids. They loved to tell me stuff and teach me. They didn’t realize the education they were giving their mom. 

And, so, this morning all of that finally and officially came to a close when our youngest daughter drove herself off to high school. She has joined the ranks of her older siblings.

BUT … I know she will come home later today and she will ask me what’s for dinner or if I could please pick her up an item from Target. She might even crawl into bed with me at the end of the day and unpack a story or two and she will unknowingly remind me that though she didn’t need me to take her to school this morning, she still needs me. 

I still have a job.

And I will be grateful.